Was I Unreasonable to this child?

[iamsoannoyed]

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a . I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

It is such a shame for the child, her mother is making her into the one everyone will avoid.

I usually tell friends, when dd is with you, you are in charge, tell her if she misbehaves.

My poor dd, she's learnt with teachers, relatives, neighbours and friends that rules still apply and we expect good manners EVERYWHERE!

After all, I won't be there in a few years and I'm sure adults in the street/shops/work will tell her if her behaviour is rude.

I can't imagine why you've agreed to give a lift to this child on a regular basis. It's up to the parents to sort out proper childcare and surely you'd think about how to get your kids to school before taking a new job. The other mother is unreasonable to make any of this your problem (couldn't do it without you ...) when it doesn't even sound like you are good friends.

Personally I'd give a lift once or twice only and then say it wasn't working for me.

There is nothing wrong in establishing yourself as a bit of a dragon!

For gods sake i would have laughed it off and said yes she came last I'm really pleased for her! And its not nice to poke! I really wouldn't have got defensive about my daughters bowling skills with a five yr old .

I don't laugh off rudeness and people poking me!

I wonder when it was that adults were supposed to become such doormats and put up with anything from children? [ hmm]

I think that way she would have learned that it really is fine to be last. Children who get nasty when there is competition are often like that because they get put down themselves so they feel the need to ridicule others, that is why, IMO, it can be more effective to turn it on its head.

Yanbu, op. I cannot stand this kind of precious "you can't tell off my child when they misbehave" attitude.

It wasn't so much what was said, it was the poke and the way it was said which annoyed me. It wasn't said in a jokey way, it was done in an unpleasant way.

I wasn't defending DD, as I'm not bothered that she came last and as far as I can tell, nor is she. I was, however, irritated by the girls behaviour- she was rude and unkind (I would have been just as irritated if she'd said the same about another child). Admittedly, it is possible my reaction was partly informed by my previous experiences of this girl's rude behaviour (although in the past I have only chided her).

Perhaps I could have dealt with it differently if I had sat and thought about it, but I reacted to this at the time and not with the benefit of hindsight, Although, I have to say that I genuinely really don't think I was cruel, mean or overly harsh and I have to say (again) that I would have no problem with another adult saying the same to my child in a similar situation.

I also don't think children always have to be treated with "kid gloves"- I think if this girl was told "no" a little more often, she'd be a lot nicer to be around, and possibly happier a child.

I would be extremely cautious about giving this child a lift on a regular basis because if something happens and she makes an allegation against you then it's going to be her word against yours and in terms of child protection they will side with the child. I would say to the mum that I wouldn't do it for the reason that her child will be alone with me and I don't want to take the risk if a problem arises. IMVHO I only ever look after dcs other than mine in an informal arrangement, and let others look after them if I know them and their dps extremely well and we had very similar parenting styles and values.

How the hell will these poor, precious darlings ever manage at school?

Being told off by someone other than your parent is a life lesson and unfortunately one I'm having to teach children over 7 because they can do no wrong in their parents' eyes.

How the hell will these poor, precious darlings ever manage at school?

Their ridiculous parents will helicopter in every time a teacher dares suggest their behaviour might need improvement...

So, let me get this right. This other mother phoned you up and had a go at you for telling her child off, and in the next breath she's asking you to do her a massive favour by taking said child to school twice a week?

God she's got some cheek!

Mumzy has a very good point. I think that I would just go around to the mother and say that although normally you would be happy to help you are not going to put yourself in a position where this child could make allegations against you.

I would be loathe to say that Mumzy and TamerB. I wouldnt want to give the mother any more ideas that she may already have.

I wouldnt take the child either though.
I think I would just say a polite firm no. And if she says anything else, just a no thanks. I wont be doing that. And let the mum think what she wants to.

I expect I would cop out too! However I wouldn't take her. The mother can't pick and choose her 'it takes a village......' bit.

Not unreasonable at all. The kid sounds like a rude, spoilt brat and her mother sounds like a pompous cow.

Well, you were all right. I should have steered well clear. Bear with me, this is long.

Child (we'll call her A) was a pain taking into school. DD was listening to an audiobook when we picked her up- she wanted something else. I said, as DD was listening to this already, we'll continue as we are but next time you can choose. Queue face-pulling and sighing. Which I ignored. Then "A" and DD fell out over who would hold a toy DD had in the back. I took it away and said if you can't share, neither can have it. DD said sorry, "A" huffed. I then noticed her poking DD, DD said "stop it", and she said "I didn't do anything". I then said "well, I saw you do it. Please don't do that". She scowled, and said "my mum says I don't have to do what you tell me". I said, in my car, you will do as I say, and I will be speaking to your mum about this. Then we reached school and I dropped off.

Phoned her mum when I got home (I'm off today) and I told her what her DD had said and done. I said I really couldn't continue with the lift to school under the circumstances, as I thought the whole situation unacceptable and her telling her DD she could ignore me both rude (as I had agreed to do her a favour) and very silly- what if her DD had been doing something dangerous and had ignored me because she'd been told she could? The mum then said "well, she would know not to ignore you in that sort of situation". I said, I really doubted that a child of her age would be able to discern that. Mum was not happy, but we left it at that.

Went to pick DD up from school. They tidy class and then leave in pairs (not all at once) to collect coats/bags from cloakroom. "A" and another girl (call her "B") say to me as they pass "we can't play with your DD as she's been lying". I said "what do you mean?" she said "I'm not telling you". The girl "A" started to say something, but "A" said "don't tell her". I went into the classroom to tell DD I was there, and asked her teacher if she knew anything about this as this is what they had said to me. The teacher said she had no idea what it was all about, and DD had not been in trouble for anything recently.

She suggested we ask DD if everything was ok, as A and B had said she had lied about something and we wanted to sort the problem out. DD then got upset and said that "A" has been saying she doesn't want to be her friend and that's she's been telling others that my DD has been lying about things, so nobody else should be friends. DD is adamant that she hasn't lied, and she's so upset I tend to believe her. DD has also said that most of the children have ignored "A" and still play with her, which is reassuring. Teacher said she had noticed a few tiffs, and "A" is quite dominant, but she had thought it nothing to worry about. She has said she will be looking into this further and we'll meet tomorrow after school to discuss it further.

A and B then came back into the class, and when they noticed I was talking to the teacher, became quite uncomfortable. When I said to DD "don't worry, we will sort this out, your teacher knows all about it now", they went scarlet, so I don't think it's all completely invented by DD.

I feel terrible that I hadn't noticed. She has seemed happy. Infact, DD said she is mostly very happy at school, and it's only sometimes this is "not nice" and she gets upset.

It seems this girl is not just rude and ill-disciplined, she's also quite a vindictive little bully (ok that's maybe a bit harsh, she is only 6, but I'm really cross and feel awful for DD).

I'm now waiting for a phone call from other mum to tell me how angelic her DD is and how it must all be a big mistake......

You're right. She is a bully, or at least she is well on the way to being one.

Your poor dd.

I agree with that. Definitely stay away from the child and the mother. There is a fair chance she has learned her awful behaviour from her in the first place.