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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I Unreasonable to this child?

364 replies

iamsoannoyed · 01/03/2014 23:24

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a Shock. I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP posts:
TheGreatHunt · 02/03/2014 07:34

It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

Op YANBU. Children learn how to behave through parent discipline, peer pressure, and how other people respond to them. They cannot live in a bubble whereby only the parents tell them off.

That is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

By the same token of course adults should talk to children respectively but the OP did from my reading of this.

As for I have never and will never reprimand someone else's child well more fool you. If a child came up and walloped you, for example, would you sit there and do nothing. Or wait around for the parent and hope they will? What is the result? Child learns nothing.

ivykaty44 · 02/03/2014 07:37

The phone call hours afterwards explains fully why the child is like she is

ivykaty44 · 02/03/2014 07:37

Don't worry about it op

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 07:39

YANBU, but I do think you could have chosen your words more carefully. Children can be really floored by an adult being unkind (and I'm sorry, I do think you were a bit unkind) and you could have got the message across in a nicer way.

TheGreatHunt · 02/03/2014 07:42

I am trying to work out why people think you're mean OP. And reading again what you said I think it's the bit about saying you can't be the best at everything or something. An extra dig as it were.

Zzzzmarchhare · 02/03/2014 07:45

If DS had poked someone in the stomach I would tell him it was wrong- and I would expect other people to tell him if I wasn't there. How else is he going to learn to be kind and respect people's boundaries?
DS is 2, and my pfb/ only, I don't think the other
Mum is doing her DD any favours

BratinghamPalace · 02/03/2014 07:48

How so MSRISOTTO?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:05

Bratinham well mabey you should. If a child does something to you or your child and parents and carers are not nearby it bloody acceptable to correct them, it is a public service. Many parents like tge mum in the op do such a piss poor job and kids end up being entitled so and SOS. Your in the minority Beratingham thank goodness.

LurkingNineToFive · 02/03/2014 08:06

It may be that offence in question isn't something the child's mum would have disciplined for. Being 'sassy' and 'having a joke' with an adult isn't something all parents discourage.
Imagine if your dd had been eating messily (or something else only some parents get bothered about) and she had told her off.i think telling off another child should only be done for safety or if they are hurting or being mean to another child because you don't know what is naughty in every family.
Having said all that I wouldn't have minded you saying what you did to my dd but just trying to put another perspective on it.

TempusFuckit · 02/03/2014 08:06

On the question of telling the girl off, YWNBU.

I think you lost the moral high ground with the raised eyebrow though. And if granny saw that, it would definitely explain the phonecall ...

msrisotto · 02/03/2014 08:06

If you make your children feel entitled to treat other people badly (by refusing to allow consequences to their actions) then they won't learn to be nice. If you treat others badly, they should definitely stand up for themselves which is all the op was doing. She didn't sound mean in any way, just assertive. Feedback to behaviour like this needs to be immediate otherwise the moment is lost.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:07

If I was bloody poked in the stomach and teased by a child or adult of course I would say something. That is not acceptable behaviour!

lunar1 · 02/03/2014 08:10

If my five year old poked someone in the stomach they would be shouted at! If I wasn't there is hope someone else would shout at him for me, it would have a much bigger impact!

Luckily he has never done anything like that. I think we know why this girl behaves the way she does.

Tailtwister · 02/03/2014 08:10

"please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude."

This is the part which I think was unkind and overly assertive. It's fine you're speaking to an adult, but not a child.

'And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last."

This sentence alone would have been enough imo. It would still given the same message, but not come across as unkind.

Missdee2014 · 02/03/2014 08:13

You are definitely not being unreasonable!! I'd be happy for anyone to say what you did to either of my dd's had they said what that little girl said.

CSIJanner · 02/03/2014 08:14

YANBU - a child poked you in the stomach! That at least warrants a "please don't do that - it hurt" remark. If an action isn't spoken about at the time of occurrence, then its unfair to discipline later. The seeking out her peers parent to gloat is something else.

Just as a question, so those opposing others either having quiet words or disciplining their children would have the same objections in school?

PeriodFeatures · 02/03/2014 08:15

god no. ywnbu. id be mortified if my dd said this to someone!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:16

Oh my goodness Tail what the hell was wrong with that! Are you the girls mother. Good mabey she won't do that again. Tge child won't melt to be told the truth, she is old enough to do the behaviour she is ok'd enough to be corrected for it. When I was that age, I back chatted the teacher, boy did I get a dressing down (this was 30 years ago), but I learned not to do that again.

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 08:16

didshe that's what I would have done, just said 'did she?'

No need to say another child is rude, I don't think I've ever said that to a little child ever, and yes over the years there's been the odd slightly rude incident.

The poking in the stomach- did she really just run up and poke you? Or was she patting you to get attention?

Sometimes children who are little do say rude or inappropriate things, I would say something softer than 'that's rude' and give them a telling off at a birthday party. No need to amplify the situation.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:17

Tail what about the poke in the stomach, that is totally unacceptable and op was so right telling her not to talk to her like that it's rude. It is! Next time somebody might not be as nice as op was to tge little girl.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:18

I was slapped deliberately in my heavily pregnant stomach by a 4 year old so yes children can do that

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 08:19

I also wouldn't tell a child off for interrupting, many children are not taught not to interrupt and at a party they are very over-excited; that's something I would reserve for my own children and even then I might not care that much.

My dd's teacher would never talk in such a condescending sniffy way, she is lovely and finds a way to transmit difficult messages without making the children feel very bad. I think being admonished at a party and called 'rude' for a really throw-away remark when they are all over-excited is just not appropriate.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 08:21

I don't think so she was and very rude to pike op in the stomach. If she cannot handle that goodness help them. So what age is it acceptable to correct a child then!

Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 08:22

The Op wasn't nice. This little girl thought she knew her and ran up to her to share something. I think it extremely unlikely she just ran up for no reason and poked her, it doesn't make sense.

For the poke I might say 'be gentle'- but again, children have tugged my arm, even pinched me absent-mindedly.

The OP obviously feels in the right and isn't obliged to be friends with this child or the mother, though, so no real harm done.

littledrummergirl · 02/03/2014 08:23

Many years ago a group of dcs were "playing" by pulling my ds1s hat off. He joibed in the game and did the same to the main protagonist.
His mum then told ds1 off gently totally humiliated him in front off everyone. They were waiting to go iton school.
Unfortunately for the mother it was my dm there with him who wont stand for crap. When the dcs had gone into school she told the mother in no uncertain terms that she had no business disciplining giving permission to bully a small child.
Years later, my dc is doing ok and I am not the one whos had the police on my doorstep.
I think ywbu.

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