Was I Unreasonable to this child?

[iamsoannoyed]

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a . I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

Let's hope so, kungfu, but sadly entirely possible the child has learned 'I can do and say what I want because my Mummy will always let me get away with it and defend me when other people object to me being rude'.

Agree with that completely edamsavestheday. I had the mother of all fallouts with another parent after repeated incidents like this with her very rude children. She did nothing about it.....EVER! One day, after her kids spoilt yet another event at our house, I finally told her what I actually thought of it all. I said it as nicely as I could. She was livid and never spoke to me again. It was socially embarrassing because we had mutual friends but my god, we were so happy not to have to put up with their kids vile behaviour any longer. Yanbu at all OP. The parent's response explains why her child behaves the way she does.

I spoke to the other mum at school today, it does seem like her DD completely exaggerated what had happened. Her mum said she's spoken to one of the other mothers, who backed up my version of events. Not that she has apologised, she just said "I have to believe DD until I have evidence to do otherwise". Fair enough, I can understand that, but having confirmed her DD was exaggerating you'd think she'd admit it.

I said that while I had not intended to upset her DD, I did think she'd been rude and felt that I should say something to her as neither she nor her DH or GM who had accompanied her to the party, were present to deal with it at the time. I also said that I would have no problem with someone saying the same thing to my DD in similar circumstances.

She has confirmed that she does not want others to talk to her DD about her behaviour or to admonish her in any way, as it's not our place to tell her child how to behave.

She then asked if I'd pick her daughter up and take her to school 2 days per week (we pass near their house on our way in) as she has started a new job and needs to be in earlier, but is completely stuck if I can't help.

I said I'd do it, but I also said if she misbehaves while in my car, I will be telling her off and if that's not ok then I'd have to say no. Mum made a face and said "if you must". I'm now baffled.

I have to say I'm surprised by the whole thing, as I had thought she seemed quite sensible until this incident occurred. My mum thinks I'm mad, and it will just cause trouble.

One of the other mums told me they had issues when this child was with them, e.g this girl threw something at the other child, then refused to say sorry, so was made to sit on the "naughty step" until she could say sorry. Her mum then duly phoned other mum to say she didn't use the naughty step, as being excluded could damage a child's confidence. So it seems it's not just me.

My goodness op the mum is dreadful and is making a rid for her own back. So what does her dd do when she's at school or clubs and misbehaves. Absolutely ridiculous, no winder the dd is a precious little madam. I am shocked you agreed to this arrangement op, did you loose your senses.

OP - I'd be looking to get out of that arrangement sharpish! You're too nice for your own good.

Aeroflotgirl

I'm beginning to think so. I was sort of caught off guard, particularly with the aspect of being stuck etc. I will do it, as I have said I will, but I will admonish her if she does something wrong. If her mum kicks up a fuss about it, I will terminate the arrangement immediately.

I agree that she is making a rod for her own back, but it's not up to me to tell her how to parent her child.

No you can't, good on you for saying your piece to her, mabey more people should and mabey she will listen, or play dates and parties will dry up as a result of mums failure to parent properly.

Iam, I'll give it a fortnight.

Wait until she's 14 and going out, getting pissed and being a total nightmare. Once she starts displaying the kind of behaviours the mother deems unacceptable it'll be too late.

Are you mad op? It doesn't take a crystal ball to see how this is going to end.

I've put this thread on watch. We'll be getting some juicy updates soon. Don't forget us op.

As I said, I am regretting it. But I do feel that having said that, that as I have warned her that I will tell her DD off if she misbehaves and she has (grudgingly) agreed, that she can't really complain if I do tell her daughter off.

Only read first page
And going against the grain here but I think you where a bit harsh on a five year old really

When we play games at home we all tease in a playful way, and the loser gets a wooden spoon
It's all done in good fun

But I can see how to an outsider it come across as rude

And from the op
It does sound a bit like you went on and on at the child

Perhaps something a bit more neutral like well we can't all win would have been a bit kinder
The child is only five

Diamond, it wasn't a game. The child was rude. Maybe you should read the thread or the OP's posts at least?

I don't think you should have this child on a regular basis

You clearly do not like her and it seems unfair on the child to be with someone that's doesn't like them ion a regular basis

You should have said sorry but no thanks

I thought it was about coming last at bowling??.
Isn't that a game.?

diamondlizard

I didn't go on and on at the child. I think I said at most 2 sentences. Hardly going on and on.

I think the op is aghast at the mums lack of parenting, not that she doesent like the child. Just because you correct rude behaviour does not mean you dint like the child

And poking someone in tge stomach

"please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

Does sound a tad going on

I just mean perhaps it could have ben said in a more age friendly way

You are crazy to have agreed to do this childcare thing
Sounds crap for both of you

Are you crazy?

You were completely reasonable to say what you did.

You and the child's mother seem to have completely different approaches and standards of behaviour - I think it is a really bad idea to agree to lift sharing. If you've said yes, please insist you will try it for a short period and see how it goes.

Does sound a tad going on

Two sentences??

As to age friendly - the child clearly understood.

Having read your updates OP, I am beginning to feel sorry for the child because she doesn't stand a chance. She's not going to be invited to many friends' houses at this rate. If her behaviour allows many friends. Her mother is doing her no favours at all.

It's not childcare, it's a lift to school 2 days a week. So around 30 minutes per week in total.

I agree, I should have said no. I was caught "on the hop". I will speak to other mother tomorrow and say that I will do it this week as I have agreed to do it, and under the conditions I've already said, but after that she should find someone else.

I'm one of those weirdo parents who does not use any form of punishment other than natural consequences so in my household discipline is used as a form of education (and no I do not have nightmare children).

YANBU you were really not.

You educated a child who was directly being rude to you in the absence of another adult prepared to offer the child the support and advice needed in order to convey the message.

Rude children need to learn that other people do not like it,they cannot learn unless they are told.

Why faff about with uninformative statements when clear and to the point can be expressed in a supportive and kind way.

You were clear you expressed that you did not wish to be treated in that way and that it is unkind to ridicule other children.

You did not tell the child off you simply told the child that you did not wish to be treated like that. Perfectly acceptable. If the child was one of mine I would have thanked you for your consideration and apologised for you having to respond to her in that way.

with the mothers response no I would really not be exposing myself to the nonsense that is going to happen by doing her the favour of giving the child future school lifts. Not the child's fault it's the mothers fault but I would not be agreeing to help her.

I do not let anyone poke me in the stomach! If they do, whatever the age, I shall speak to them extremely sharply!
Having agreed to the lifts and stated your case stick to it. I should tell the child at the beginning that in your care she is under your rules. If you have a problem with the mother, stop the lifts.