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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I Unreasonable to this child?

364 replies

iamsoannoyed · 01/03/2014 23:24

I was at a party with DD (aged 5)- she was a guest, not her party. It was at a place which has a soft play area beside the cafe (party rooms upstairs). The children had just played ten-pin bowling, and were coming through to play in the soft play area.

I was sitting with some of the other mums having coffee when one of DDs friends, whose mum I am reasonably friendly with and has been to our house/DD has been to hers, came over. She poked me in the stomach and said "haha, your kid came last". Those were her exact words.

I was a Shock. I said to her "please don't talk to me like that, it's very rude. And you can't be the best at everything, so it's not very kind to tease people for being last.". I did not shout or raise my voice and did not get out of my chair.

She went red, ran off and I thought no more of it.

Her granny had brought her to the party. I don't think granny had noticed this exchange, but one of the other mums did and we both just raised an eyebrow. This little girl has been known to throw strops with the other children if she doesn't get her way and is also known as a bit of a madam at times, but is basically a normal little girl.

I got a phone call tonight from the girls mum to say she was very cross that I had "disciplined" her daughter. She thought I should have waited until I got home and then called her to raise my concerns.

I explained what had happened, and stated while I thought it was rude and fairly unpleasant behaviour on her DDs part and she needed a reminder that you shouldn't speak to adults like that, I didn't think it warranted a phone call home after the party (and hours after the "incident") as that was just making a mountain out of a molehill. Had the girl's mother been there, I would have mentioned what had happened.

I imagine her DD would probably have forgotten all about the incident by the end of the party, and would have been a bit confused as to what the fuss was about.

Was I unreasonable? I really genuinely don't think I was.

I would expect any other adult to have acted similarly if my DD had spoken to them like this (and would have been fairly mortified that she had done so).

TBH, I think I should just avoid play dates with DD and this girl, as I will not have a child in my house who I cannot even ask to behave in an acceptable manner in my own home in case her parents are upset by this.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 02/03/2014 13:01

Youthecat- that's the whole point, in this interaction I wouldn't be seeking to affect the child's future behaviour. If you start to think of yourself in this role, you will get mums calling you up to tell you to butt out!

krasnayaploshad · 02/03/2014 13:02

YANBU
and what YoutheCat said above.
I also don't see how the OP interfered as a PP said, given the child came up to the OP & spoke to her!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:03

I think most mums have a lot of common sense and won't react like the mum in the op.

krasnayaploshad · 02/03/2014 13:05

It's not necessarily seeking to affect the child's future behaviour it's making them understand at that moment that their behaviour was rude & calling them on it.
If it was an adult who did this to me I would've done the same thing as the OP so why is it different if it's a child?

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:07

So we don't say anything to children if tgey are not very nice to us or others in case it damages their delicate sensibilities. Tge little girl probably reacted in that way as she was cough iut. It does not seem like this happens at home much. My 6 year old dd would think nothing of it.

YouTheCat · 02/03/2014 13:07

I'm not thinking of myself in any role. I don't react to things thinking 'oooh how will I be perceived?' Hmm The only mum I've ever had call me over something like this thought her rather unpleasant, bully of a child could do no wrong. Now her child is 18 and likes to thump her mum if she doesn't give her what she wants. I'll stick to my way thanks.

It was a fair reaction to some rude behaviour. It's a good thing that she did as the child clearly gets no decent guidance at home.

Sillylass79 · 02/03/2014 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adoptmama · 02/03/2014 13:11

If you simply say something like 'ow that hurt my tummy' you are not telling the child it is unacceptable to poke you.

You are only telling them they poked you too hard or in the wrong place.

If you simply ignore the unpleasant remarks by saying 'mmm ok. off you go and play' you are sending the message that it is ok to go up to other peoples parents and make nasty comments. Nearly 6 is easily old enough to know what is nice and not nice.

You are seriously doing any child a major dis-service if you ignore or condone their bad behaviour, particularly when it is targeted directly at you, because you think that sending a clear message (in a perfectly mild way) is harmful. What is harmful is leaving them with the wholly wrong idea that it is ok to poke, as long as you don't do it too hard and avoid the stomach or that you can go up to any adult and deliver an unpleasant gibe about their children and walk off without consequences!

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 13:13

I'm perfectly willing to take the consequences of my actions re chastising another child. Total non issue.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:14

Exactly adopt, you are not correcting their behaviour by saying ow my tummy hurts, how's any good. Tgey need to know that it's not on to do that and to make fun of another child.

HRHLadyG · 02/03/2014 13:22

You handled this correctly. It takes a village to raise a child...... we all are responsible for teaching children (and clearly some parent)how to treat others.
Good for you! x

clam · 02/03/2014 13:27

I often find that children who are prone to behaving badly, suddenly turn into precious flowers when they're pulled up on it. It's the old "can dish it out, but can't take it," mentality.

The OP was well-within her rights to speak to this child as it was her stomach that was being poked and "her own child being spoken about unpleasantly.^

But I think that the other mother's reaction tells us everything we need to know about how that child could turn out, if she doesn't do something about it sharpish.

RevoltingPeasant · 02/03/2014 13:29

Wow. I grew up in New York where people are generally much more, shall we say, assertive. I remember witnessing a similar incident once and the response was along the lines of "Young man, you are being fresh and I don't appreciate that. I don't want to hear you talking to me like that again!" - said loudly and firmly.

I often think all that stuff about how Britain is not friendly to children and all other cultures parent so much better, etc, is bollocks, but I will say I can't imagine another culture where giving a school age NT child who had just deliberately poked you in the gut a mild verbal rebuke would elicit such hand wringing......

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 13:29

And you may well believe that only approved people should check your child but other most people can and will think differently.

songlark · 02/03/2014 13:31

I really am shocked that anyone should have a problem with somebody asking a child not to poke them in the stomach. Good heavens, where do you draw the line, what if the child continued to poke her or worse still...kick her. The child learnt immediately that it wasn't acceptable behaviour, or would have done if the grandmother had used a bit of common sense and not just listened to the child's story. The grandmother should have realised that her granddaughter had obviously done something to upset an adult and not just listened to the child. Now, because of the grandmother and the mothers actions a vital lesson has been lost and the girl won't realise how unacceptable her behavior is.

BoffinMum · 02/03/2014 13:35

Ignore the other mother. You did the girl a favour.

Rainbow13 · 02/03/2014 13:38

I don't think you were in the wrong.
The child was very rude and badmannered. if the child was disciplined and taught manners from the parents then you wouldn't have had to.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:46

Op has said that the girl has a form of this and throwing strops if she does not get her own way and acts like a Madame. Op did her a huge favour. I can see this the way that mother reacted to her little princess.

Original poster
iamsoannoyed · 02/03/2014 13:49

Newtripley I'm not trying to punish her DD. I'm sure my own DD gets up to things I'd rather she didn't. I know that she has in the past- and in all likelihood will do so in the future.

I would not be surprised or upset if adults correct her if she is rude, unpleasant or being naughty. I wouldn't like anyone to be aggressive, or shout etc, but I have no issue with someone saying "please don't do x, because of Y" or "please don't do/say that because it's rude".

My issue is not that this girl was rude. I would not exclude her (or any child) for this one incident (or even a number of them) in and of itself- it's more her mother's reaction that causes me concern.

I think I should distance us because I don't think that I can have a child in my home that I am unable to ask to behave in an acceptable manner (whether she's been rude, unkind or perhaps done something which is a bit silly/dangerous), but must call her mother later. I think it's more hassle than it's worth.

I also don't think it very fair to allow this girl to behave in a way I wouldn't let my DD behave in our home. I accept others can parent their children however they like, but I can't really have one rule for my DD and another for this girl when she is in our house. I don't think that's right or fair.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:59

I agree op, I definitely would cool it off, as you have a different ethos to her mother.,totally right your house your rules, if mum does not like that than there shall be no play date.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 13:59

I agree OP. If mum is going to be so precious, don't provide the ammo.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/03/2014 13:59

Most of us agree with you op, you did the right thing and are in tge right. If that was my dd I would agree with you and nit call you upx.

KatieScarlett2833 · 02/03/2014 14:03

I would have called you up to apologise and would have made DD apologise too.

Original poster
iamsoannoyed · 02/03/2014 14:10

Thetallesttower

No, she didn't pat me to get her attention, she poked me in the stomach. She came over, I presume she was looking for her granny, who had gone out to the car. It isn't apparent to me that she came to "share" how well she had done or something. I don't think it was her intention to approach me and be rude for the sake of it, but what she did was rude. As I said, It's not the first time she has been rude to another adult, and she does have a reputation for being a bit difficult.

As for asking a child not to interrupt, unless it was the child's parents I was talking to when interrupted (when I'd expect them to ask the child to wait unless it's an emergency), I'm afraid I would say something like "please don't interrupt when I'm talking unless it's urgent".

I can accept that some people think I was unfair, although I genuinely don't think I was. As I said wouldn't have had a problem with another adult telling my DD off like this. As I have also said, now it has been made clear to me that this girl's parents will not allow others to speak to their DD about her behaviour when she misbehaves, I will not do so.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 02/03/2014 14:13

Wow - 250 posts! Of course YANBU OP. How odd that anyone would question what you said. You were firm and the child understood that it was not right to poke you and not right to say what they did about your DC. Lesson learned.

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