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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a little disappointed that my children have been uninvited to a wedding.

181 replies

emptychair · 27/02/2014 22:27

Just that really.

I get that they can have whatever wedding they want, their day, their way, etc etc. But nothing was mentioned at the save the date stage, or the reserving the accommodation stage.

I'd already RSVPed with a yes from all of us so how do I word my reply? Obv, if we can't get childcare, we won't be able to go after all.

This may sound pathetic to some but I'm actually really sad about it and not looking forward to telling the children they won't be going after all.

OP posts:

Tiredemma · 28/02/2014 21:34

so you don't go anywhere without your children? does it work the other way too - do they decline party invitations if you are not invited?

sorry- I did chuckle at this

2rebecca · 28/02/2014 21:40

Kids parties are very short and usually very local, and the adults wouldn't want to go and the kids don't need to arrange babysitters for their parents

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 22:05

I sent my own PFB to the childminders on my own wedding day
Our wedding was very small, we went to the registry office then for a very long meal at a posh restaurant. He was about a year and a half and the only DC in the extended family.

How's that for a child free wedding.

Original poster

emptychair · 28/02/2014 22:47

Hi all. Thanks for all the replies. Some very interesting thoughts (and I'm so glad that I was not being Wholly unreasonable.

Marywestmacott and mowbraygirl - Omg what a dreadful way to treat guests and family.

I've replied with my last draft above. I added the line about it being unlikely we could come. I'm not asking anyone to take time off work to have the children and in certainly not paying anyone.

I do understand the getting married on a week day and although I wouldn't have been able to go during term time, it is during the holiday so it's not a problem. I've always been of the thought that if you give people enough notice, most (of my family anyway) wouldn't mind using up holiday to come to a wedding - dh would have been taking 2 days.

Anyway, I've not had any reply yet.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 22:50

Just decline. 'Sorry, we will not be present. We wish you every happiness.'

SwingYourPantsNow · 01/03/2014 01:03

Did they actually specify within the original 'save the date' that your children were specifically invited?
If not, then you've made a massive presumption that they were actually invited in the first place.
Even if you'd originally replied with all your names, children included, what with all the invites they'd sent out they might not automatically and immediately register that you'd replied with your kids names too.
Seeing as they might not have actually invited your kids along too.
Always ASK if you're not sure!! Don't just think, oh, they're invited too because I am.

YankeeMum8 · 01/03/2014 01:14

I agree with Swing. If all the children's names were not listed right off the bat I'd never assume they were invited. However, that doesn't excuse them from making it clear from the beginning. You don't want kids, fine. But then state it plainly from the beginning. Seems a bit half baked on their part, like they are inviting people and aren't sure just who they are inviting.

YankeeMum8 · 01/03/2014 01:15

Not making it clear!

Pidgy · 01/03/2014 01:23

swing and yankee, no one was mentioned on save the date or invite ! It was done by email. Read the thread!!

YankeeMum8 · 01/03/2014 01:25

Dh's cousin was married and the wedding invitation was Very ambiguous about exactly whom was invited. We have one ds, he was about 7 at the time, extremely well mannered. I read the invite and mentioned to my MIL that I didn't think ds was invited (which is fine with me...to each their own)

MIL then called her brother, father if bride and hinted whether our ds was invited. He then her he's sure my brother and his wife would be excellent babysitters (out of country wedding)

I rolled my eyes and told my MIL that weren't going...I wasn't going to ask my brother who has never even babysat ds to look after him for 4 days. MIL didn't get it and told us just to bring ds. I'm like NO, you can't do that!

So I got a lovely gift and had MIL deliver it...well it's been 5 years and still no thank you. They were miffed we didn't rearrange our life for them. Bloody idiots. Just come out and say they aren't invited!! I hate people that best around the bush.

YankeeMum8 · 01/03/2014 01:27

Pidgy read MY post above. No need to be crass, I DID read the thread and IF they are not mentioned one shouldn't assume they are invited!!!

YankeeMum8 · 01/03/2014 01:36

I'm starting to think a book on Bridal Etiquette would be a lovely engagement gift as so many brides have no clue how to carry on putting on a wedding.

Pidgy · 01/03/2014 03:13

yankee the fact is no one was mentioned on the invite so OP did what I think most would do - respond with all names including DC. Bride should have picked it up then or been specific on save the dates and invites if they weren't to be invited.
Anyway, no point in arguing.

Original poster

emptychair · 01/03/2014 21:44

Update - both children are invited to the wedding. I'm so pleased as I would have been so sad to miss it.

OP posts:

EugenesAxe · 01/03/2014 21:48

Yay!

Bunbaker · 01/03/2014 22:57

Result!

Beamur · 01/03/2014 22:59

Great news - hope you all have a super day!

Dubjackeen · 01/03/2014 23:03

Good! Hope you all have a lovely day.

DoJo · 02/03/2014 00:45

I can't believe I have just gone from 'YA probably a bit U' to 'YADNBU and more gracious that I would have been' to 'WTF - this wedding sounds like a shambles' to 'YAY - glad it's all worked, out now!' in the course of reading this thread.

I hope you all have fun...

Birdo83 · 02/03/2014 07:41

YABU. Space is limited at weddings and most people would obviously want friends and family to fill them out. Unless the invite specifically mentioned the kids you should assume it was just for you.

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 08:32

Those of you saying you don't want "screeching" children during the service don't have much faith in your friends to remove any noisy children, do you?

jamtoast12 · 02/03/2014 08:51

To be honest, given you sent this email, it sounds to me like they are invited because you've made it clear you won't be going without them :(

I feel sorry for the bride actually as now if others complain she'll likely have to invite their kids when there may be genuine reasons such as cost why she wanted to keep numbers down.

If they were invited all along and it was a misunderstanding then that's great but if she's had to back track just for you I think that's very unfair.

Original poster

emptychair · 02/03/2014 11:14

Jamtoast, not so much won't be going without them but more like can't go without the children. The wedding is a weekday so I can't ask people on the other side of the family to take time of to look after them. Due to recent changes of schools, I don't have non working mum-friends I could ask.

The wedding couple needed to decide what they want more, No children or certain family members at their wedding. Also bare in mind it was only 1 child that was potentially an issue as the other child was already at the age included.

The emails received regarding this have obviously been carefully thought out by both parties. I'm really grateful with the outcome.

OP posts:

FabBakerGirl · 02/03/2014 14:02

You can only say whether your emails have been carefully thought out. The bride will now have it difficult on the day when other people see you with your under age invited child and they had to leave theirs, maybe incurring costs.

I think you should be happy that they want you there enough to make things difficult for themselves and be appreciative.

Original poster

emptychair · 02/03/2014 16:32

I think the phrase "really grateful with the outcome" shows that I am really appreciative. DD will not stick out as a lone underage child though.

OP posts:

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