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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a little disappointed that my children have been uninvited to a wedding.

181 replies

emptychair · 27/02/2014 22:27

Just that really.

I get that they can have whatever wedding they want, their day, their way, etc etc. But nothing was mentioned at the save the date stage, or the reserving the accommodation stage.

I'd already RSVPed with a yes from all of us so how do I word my reply? Obv, if we can't get childcare, we won't be able to go after all.

This may sound pathetic to some but I'm actually really sad about it and not looking forward to telling the children they won't be going after all.

OP posts:
WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/02/2014 17:20

I dont think that it is a problem to have a child free/child attended/child centric wedding. However if a wedding invitation is sent to a household then I do think it is the obligation of the host to ensure that precisely who is being invited is made clear.

I dont think that it should be down to the guest to have to remember to study the envelope closely for clues before it goes in the bin or the dog eats it.

It is only good manners and IMO is yet another thing where if you feel there are too many people to contact directly to clarify then the wedding has got too large.

When my DCs were small I would have assumed that invitations to family weddings meant to include the DCs unless otherwise stated. Wedding invitations from friends are a completely different matter.

ComposHat · 28/02/2014 17:28

The thing is to me weddings are family events. So you have your family, who may have children

Yes, to you they are family events. To us, it was very different. Our respective families showed no interest in coming together and in the eight or so years we have been together, have never shown the slightest interest in meeting each other and met for the first time on the day of the wedding

We saw it as important to have our friends there, rather than every last living relative we could drag up (and all their children). I have much closer emotional bonds with my (almost entirely child-free) friends than I do with all but my immediate family. My wife has a very strained, relationship with her mother, neither of us have nieces or nephews or any children whom we have a close relationship with.

Weddings mean different things to different people I guess.

Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 17:28

I agree Worry. There are too many threads on mn due to ambiguous wedding invitations.

OwlinaTree · 28/02/2014 17:34

Yes compos your family as in the family that is important to you, not every relative you can drag up! And friends are equally important too, I said that!

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 28/02/2014 17:40

...and it not just wedding invitations Confused - it's all sorts of invitations. There are ambiguous birthday party invites, unclear play date invites and invitations to meals out where no one knows how and if the bill will be split.

It's as though some people think its cool to be really laid back about these things. I like to spell things out clearly so there are no awkward misunderstandings and no potential for me ending up as Mumsnet Thread fodder Blush

Nerris · 28/02/2014 17:44

Out of order on their behalf to say one thing originally then backtrack.

I would probably make a point of saying how disappointed the kids will be at this stage. Pretty off as you've booked it all in. Unfortunately wedding parties will do as they please and justify it "well it is our day" which is obviously true, but still...

TheScience · 28/02/2014 17:46

Agree with those who have mentioned invites should be crystal clear. I would also assume everyone was invited to a family wedding unless individuals were named.

I recently had an invite to a friend's wedding and was told immediately that one DC was welcome but the other wasn't invited - since we knew upfront it was no problem.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 17:55

Very, very simple. Decline the invite.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 17:58

If it causes upset, so be it.

FabBakerGirl · 28/02/2014 17:58

TheScience - you really don't mind that one of your children is not wanted at the wedding?

TheScience · 28/02/2014 18:05

It's more that one is being made an exception for as a babe in arms.

momb · 28/02/2014 18:06

YANBU to be disappointed. YWBU to let it show.
It appears to me that they had every intention of including your children but MOB has pointed out that if the groom's cousins' children are invited then the bride's side will be also, and there are some children there that they want to exclude, perhaps with good reason. It does seem that they have contacted you in good faith and tried to reassure you that this isn't about your children without actually naming names.
Go back with your email asking them to hold off the RSVP until you can arrange childcare. Send your two off to lovely exciting sleepovers and go and enjoy the wedding (while trying to work out which of the Bride's family have nightmare children...).

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 18:13

Lovely, exciting sleepovers? What if they don't know anyone to host them?

FFS.

It's on a Monday, too, a school night. Just decline.

momb · 28/02/2014 18:19

No need to be testy! I just meant that it could be made into a treat for the OPs children, especially if they haven't done it before.
The OP has already said it's a school holiday as she is a teacher and wouldn't be at work on that day.

expatinscotland · 28/02/2014 18:22

A treat, to be told they're not welcome. Tell them to sling their hook, OP.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 28/02/2014 18:26

If you are a teacher OP does that mean your Head is granting you leave of absence and that you'll lose a day's pay?

It would have to be a very close family member for that to be allowed round my way.

TBH I wouldn't go after being buggered about like that.

Caitlin17 · 28/02/2014 18:31

I'm really surprised at the assumption that just because you have children an invitation to a wedding which names you and your partner includes your children if they aren't named.

Does this apply only to weddings or do you assume 30th,40th etc birthday party and other invitations mean all of you?

The last 2 weddings I was at had no children at them.

When our son was still a child we were at weddings with and without him. The ones he was at were ones which named him as well as us on the invitation. I wouldn't have dreamt of taking him uninvited and didn't take it as a slight he wasn't asked.

TheScience · 28/02/2014 18:43

For a family, day time occasion I would assume children were invited unless specifically stated otherwise - eg. a cousin's 40th birthday BBQ starting at midday. If it was clearly an evening do - in a pub or restaurant starting at 8pm - then not.

BalloonSlayer · 28/02/2014 18:46

I'd just say

"Thanks for your email. Sorry but of course this means that we won't be able to attend now. Have a great day! Will raise a glass to you xx"

Note the passive-aggressive "of course" . . . you know and they know you are actually saying: "you KNOW I can't bring one child and not the other you utter turds" but they can't call you on it. Smile

By the way, don't know if anyone else upthread has said this, but you don't "rescind your RSVP" you "rescind your acceptance" (or I would prefer "withdraw your acceptance.") RSVP means "respondez s'il vous plait" - please reply and it is what they are asking you to do: You are invited, you are asked RSVP, and you give your acceptance or your apologies.

FryOneFatManic · 28/02/2014 18:50

Different assumptions are made about invitations all over the country. Round here, an invite to a wedding would most definitely include the children unless explicitly stated otherwise. It's just how we do things.

In other areas, it is the thing to assume the invite only covers those whose name is actually on it.

In this case, no-one's name was actually on any of the communication, so the OP made an assumption in her reply that wasn't challenged until quite some time later. Which makes me think that either they are playing with numbers, or they want to exclude a particular child/ren and this is how they are doing this.

60sname · 28/02/2014 19:17

We have limited (in an upfront manner) the numbers of children at our upcoming wedding precisely because we don't want screeching during the vows or small children underfoot on the dance floor.

However. Fudging/changing the terms of the invitation is pretty low. This is one of the few occasions where I would suggest putting the B&G on the spot.

indigo18 · 28/02/2014 20:43

Oh do read the posts! OP is a teacher who will be on HOLIDAY. No exceptional leave of absence needed.
I got married aeons ago; no children invited. One older mother among the guests brought her 6 year old anyway, dressed as a page boy in a blue satin suit, and kept putting him in the photos. We smiled and made the best of it.
When my DSis married some years later, we had one year old twins. I was matron of honour; the twins were not invited to the wedding. We smiled and made the best of it.
People are so easily offended these days. I do not agree with posters who think their precious offspring "make " the wedding; or that the bride would be happy for a wailing baby to remain in church. Get over yourselves!

BabyMummy29 · 28/02/2014 20:59

It depends if the "save the date" definitely applied to all of you, If that's the case I wouldn't bother going at all.

We were once told that our DD was going to be invited to a family wedding, only for the invitation to have just us on it. We had bougnt her a new dress and she was really excited about it.

In the end, I was so annoyed that we didn't go at all,

OwlinaTree · 28/02/2014 21:20

We told people they were welcome to bring their children to the wedding but that we would like parents to take them out if they started screeching!

Everybody did. Of course there was child noise but it was fine. I'd rather people be able to come than not tbh.

2rebecca · 28/02/2014 21:28

I had children at both my weddings and no kid was going to drown out my vows, I'd have just shouted them out if they'd started trying to compete. You don't have to whisper them. I can't remember what my last vows were now (civil wedding) but I'm sure I meant them most sincerely at the time.

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