to feel a little disappointed that my children have been uninvited to a wedding.

[emptychair]

Just that really.

I get that they can have whatever wedding they want, their day, their way, etc etc. But nothing was mentioned at the save the date stage, or the reserving the accommodation stage.

I'd already RSVPed with a yes from all of us so how do I word my reply? Obv, if we can't get childcare, we won't be able to go after all.

This may sound pathetic to some but I'm actually really sad about it and not looking forward to telling the children they won't be going after all.

I wouldn't pussy foot around them, just be honest. Reply along the lines of obviously there is no way you can bring one of your children without the other and that you will let them know if you can arrange childcare for both of them - and then make a comment like you now need to tell your DD and she is going to be gutted..........they aren't bothered about causing you upset so just be honest and blunt with your response.

I have just had a thread in AIBU about unclear wedding invitations causing upset, So I understand where you are coming from however, in your shoes, I would be calling in favours from friends and sending the kids on sleepovers and going with my DH for a rare adult night out.

People do seem to be a bit clumsy about etiquette these days, we need a nice Mary Berry type person to instruct us all.

I still think there is more to not wanting to pay for the kids meals than anything else about behaviour.

We were at a family wedding and one lady took her child out within seconds of the bride arriving as the child made a noise. I felt sorry she missed it and was sure the B&G would not have minded at all a bit of noise, and I am sure the mum would have quietened him down very quickly. He was under 1.

I can beat all these - BIL (DH's DB) marrying my now SIL - invites arrived, family children only invited. Fine, RSVPed we'd be bringing DS - discussed in person with them getting him a little outfit (he was 18months). They were marrying around Easter, when my parents would normally go on holiday, so in January I got DH to check once more with BIL that DS would be wanted because if not, my parents could have DS overnight, but they'd need to make sure they were back for it. Told again, they definately wanted DS there, but first comment that not in the evening do. I said not a problem, we could sort that.

5 weeks before the wedding (and 8 months after first told that DS would be welcome), I got an e-mail from SIL saying they'd thought about it and decided which children might ruin the day, and DS was no longer welcome at the ceremony or the dinner. (On her side, she did still have the DCs from one of her brothers but not the children of the other side, must have been fun in their family sorting that out).

It then transpired that while DS wasn't wecome at any of the key events, (ceremony, meal, evening do) it was expected we'd bring him in a nice little outfit for photos and the drinks reception. Which meant hiring a nanny for the day/evening - costing around £200.

I was tempted to say sod it, I'd stay at home with DS, DH could go to the wedding on his own, but MIL got a bit upset (there were a lot of other bridezilla moments and it was all getting a bit much for PIL) so for the sake of family harmony, we decided to swallow the £200 costs of a nanny and hte general insult that we'd like DS ruin it (I'd even previously said I'd sit at the back with him and walk out if he made any noise).

Thing is, DH has never forgiven SIL, it still causes problems to this day. DH and BIL used to be close and now they aren't. It's a real pity that some people put having their 'perfect day' above acting with consideration to others. I'm sure if we'd had a 'no children' invite from day one, it would have caused so little upset in comparassion, generally it's the lack of thought that creates the ill feeling.

Tbh I think it may be a regional thing as I would always assume kids are not invited unless told otherwise. I have been to loads of weddings and my kids have never been invited and on the odd occasion they were I simply haven't taken them! Day times are not to bad but I'll be honest, I find kids a nigh are at the evening do!

Kids do get bored, its a long day and I do always consider the expense for the couple as kids rarely eat much and often take the place of an adult who could have been invited. Adults have to watch their back our, language etc, many have to leave early etc. Of course in immediate family I'd understand, as in siblings but I wouldn't even take to a cousins.

I'm fairly sure it must be regional as I don't know many people who take kids to weddings? In your case OP I expect maybe they have similar feelings. Of course, they should have replied sooner and I would be annoyed that it wasn't made clear but as I say, I would always think they weren't unless stated clearly.

If you want to go without the kids then go, I certainly wouldn't be making a big deal about it, weddings are stressful to organise anyway. You can't take one child without the other I agree but there's no way I'd miss it unless you weren't really bothered anyway. Just missing to make a point seems childish to me.

Not sure I agree that you couldn't bring one child and not the other. That's your choice. You might be able to arrange a sleepover for the younger child

oh and it was thrown back in my face that "well you didn't have children at your wedding" - however, DH and I were quite a bit younger when we got married, so only one of our friends had DCs already and they couldn't make it (even though we invited their DCs), and the only family 'child' was there, but my stunning model-like cousin at 15 looked more like 18 and I guess BIL & SIL didn't realise how young she was at the time. It';s easy to have a 'child free' wedding if you get married in your mid-20s before friends and family in your generation start having DCs, if you are one of the last of your group/generation to get married, then there will be DCs around.

Monday weddings are cheaper for the B&G than the traditional Saturday - the reception in particular might well be half the price.

They are more expensive, and more complicated, for at least half the guests. More money is spent overall, just not by the B&G.

It would never occur to me that my kids would be invited unless it was immediate family, not even for cousins. I have never been to a wedding where that would be so

You shouldn't apologise on the basis you misread the save the date, they didn't make it clear there were no under 10s. I wouldn't go now tbh but then I'm not a great fan of weddings unless for my immediate siblings!

It could simply be that the financial situation has changed since they sent out the save the dates which is perfectly acceptable. People often change their plans when sorting a wedding, the save the dates may have been sent out in excitement but now maybe they are short of money. Most close friends and family would understand this so I'd think carefully how you reply as think has the potential to make you look bad IMO.

"A wedding just isn't the same without children. Little girls in lovely dresses, little fat-fingered toddlers poking things on the buffet table, little boys flying round treading cake everywhere.

Sounds like a classic case of people who seem to think that their children and their antics are considerably more endearing than they actually are. Having the food you are about to eat being poked at by a grubby fingered toddler is vile.

We didn't have children at our wedding (principally due to licensing restrictions at the venue) but also because none of our siblings have children, our close family consists entirely of adults. The families didn't 'come together' in any meaningful sense and given that we all live in opposite extremes of the UK, are unlikely to see each other again.

It wasn't a case of wanting to be sophisticated or 'zilla-ish, but a reflection that budget and space were limited. If offered a toss up between inviting and if it is a toss up between inviting my cousins' ruck of toddlers (whom I've never met before) and a long term friend, then it is the long term friend every time.

Marywestmacott -
what a way for your dh's brother to treat his nephew
I've genuinely never heard anything like it !

I don't think taking one and not the other is obviously a problem. Arrange something fun for the younger one and they'll probably both think she's got a better deal.
We went to a wedding where we knew the groom well and they said due to numbers/cost they'd rather not have children, but if you couldn't sort child care then they'd rather have you with the children. We sorted out stuff for 2dc and took (by arrangement with B&G) the third. None of the dc were bothered at all by this.

I think the none under 10yo also makes it easier for you to tell them. It's not dc1 is preferred, just under 10yo can't go. Its not infrequent there are things that are age limited (in either way, too young or too old) and having 3dc with 6 years between the oldest and youngest, this is something that happens. They accept that sometimes they are the wrong age and life is like that.

Maybe some of it is weddings year ago were seen as different to now. Much more low key, more about the couple joining together to live together, both families being involved in an acceptable way.

These days it seems a lot about the bling and the meal and it is "our day" so we will have what we want.

In some cases..

there was no such thing as a child free wedding, (well not up north anyway)

Really Raffles? My parents got married in the early 1970s in a rough arsed industrial town in the Midlands and didn't have any children at the reception. It wasn't considered unusual even then.

Huge "its my day" weddings really get under my skin. People these days use getting married as a way to insult their friends/family, be rude and make people spend tonnes of cash.

A few years ago on a New Years Eve night after we had had a very bad year that wasn't likely to get much better during the next year, I was saying that it didn't matter who let the new year in as it was probably going to be rubbish anyway. My friends DH to be completely jumped down my throat as what I was meant to say was that this year was going to be perfect no matter what went wrong as him and my friend were getting married that Autumn.

I one of the first of my friends/family to get married so didn't have a lot of children at my wedding. I would have liked a few more because they made the day. One of my favourite bits of the wedding video is when my friends little girl gave the camera the biggest cheesiest grin.

And don't even get me started on fucking hen nights.

"I'm fairly sure it must be regional as I don't know many people who take kids to weddings?"

I don't think it is regional. I am from South London and OH is from Northumberland and when both families have weddings the children have always been invited.

That said a) No-one has gone in for expensive blingy type weddings with matchy matchy this and that b) Neither of us is from a large family c) Most number of us got married tens of years ago when to have a child free wedding just didn't happen, unless of course no-one had children.

These days it seems a lot about the bling and the meal and it is "our day" so we will have what we want.

I agree, I have been at weddings where it feels you are a crowd extra for someone else's Hello! magazine shoot.Awful self-centred, vanity filled events. However this has absolutely nothing to do with the person has had children at the wedding or not and all about the attitude and character of the people organising the wedding. I have been to lovely childfree weddings and weddings much like the ones you describe where you can't move for ankle biters.

The thing is to me weddings are family events. So you have your family, who may have children.

You want to celebrate with your friends too, so you invite them. They may have children.

Then you pick a venue that accommodates the people you want there, within the budget you have.

People bring their children or don't, it's their choice.

Seems weird to have a child free wedding, expect people to travel, leave their children all weekend etc, then they announce 6 months later they are having a baby!!

Pussycatdoll - yep, although I don't really blame BIL, he clearly was uncomfortable with it all but is the sort of man who'll do anything for an easy life, even if it involves upsetting people he cares about. Weak, really.

Again, I don't mind a 'child free wedding' - and I don't agree they aren't as good, ours was childfree effectively (ignoring the 15 year old who looked far older) because there just weren't any DCs to invite yet - if we got married now, the same guests have 21 children between them, not counting our two, and they'd be another 3 pregnant woman in the room! I guess it just depends when within your friendship/family generation group you get married.

however, having a childfree wedding, it's best to annouce it early, tell people what you plan to do so they can plan. Changing your mind later on or just not addressing the issue until pushed isn't really acceptable.

When one of my friends DS2 got married he asked his DB to be best man at the wedding. DB and his DW and two DD's live and work in Germany so as it was in the summer holidays they planned to come over for 3 weeks and see family etc. and attend the wedding. They were staying with my friend for the first week leading up to the wedding as the DIL parents and sister were on holidays that week.

All was going well till 3 weeks before the wedding when my friend was told by MOB that the two DD's who were aged 9 and 12 were not invited to the wedding. No invitation was sent as MOB said she wasn't spending money on postage.

No matter what my friend said MOB was adamant, as there was no one else to look after girls the DIL said she just wouldn't be able to go. When the girls godmother heard about it she said they would have the girls for the day etc.

The evening before the wedding godmother rang in floods of tears saying she was sorry she would have to let them down as her DH's mother had been found dead in her house in suspicious circumstances and they would have to go up there at once.

My friend's DH's niece was banqueting manager at the place where the reception was being held so she got in touch with her and said is there a room the girls could go in for the duration of the meal so at least DIL could be there to hear husbands speech etc. She said of course have room specially as sometimes B & G hire someone to look after small children and they would also provide food.

So the girls went to the church in the outfits that had already been bought friend said you should have seen cats bum face on the MOB when she hissed what are they doing here and it was pointed out to her the church was a public place of worship and anyone could go in. Friend also made sure girls were in the photo's especially BG's side of family.

In his best mans speech friends DS1 did explain why his wife kept popping out of the reception room to check girls were OK there was quite a few whispers etc. as to the situation.

Fast forward a few months and DS1 had a phone call from DB asking if they could put him and SIL and her parents up for 5 days whilst they attended a wedding in the city they lived they were told sorry as they already had someone staying then which they did. They were most put out as they would have to pay to go into a hotel. My friend
couldn't believe the cheek of them and she told them so when they phoned her up to complain.

I'd assume an invite from family to family would include the kids unless specifically stated otherwise. I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to a friends wedding.

I think YANBU to not go, it's their loss not yours!

"I'd assume an invite from family to family would include the kids unless specifically stated otherwise. I wouldn't expect my kids to be invited to a friends wedding."

I agree. I wouldn't expect an invitation from a friend to include OH or DD. Family is different entirely, but that is how our families operate.