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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a little disappointed that my children have been uninvited to a wedding.

181 replies

emptychair · 27/02/2014 22:27

Just that really.

I get that they can have whatever wedding they want, their day, their way, etc etc. But nothing was mentioned at the save the date stage, or the reserving the accommodation stage.

I'd already RSVPed with a yes from all of us so how do I word my reply? Obv, if we can't get childcare, we won't be able to go after all.

This may sound pathetic to some but I'm actually really sad about it and not looking forward to telling the children they won't be going after all.

OP posts:
Snowdown · 28/02/2014 05:48

I just wouldn't go, you don't want to. Weddings are expensive to attend, and there are better ways to spend that money - am I the only one who finds quite a lot of wedding to be incredibly dull?

I'd use lack of suitable babysitters as the excuse.

Snowdown · 28/02/2014 05:51

And I wouldn't say anything rude or draw attention to one child not being invited...just say you can't find a suitable babysitter...it's not your day, be annoyed and just don't go but be seen to decline politely without a fuss.

olympicsrock · 28/02/2014 06:33

bochead's reply is excellent

bedraggledmumoftwo · 28/02/2014 06:38

Now i myself had a child free wedding, but now have kids and didn't realise how controversial it was until i came on here! It is their day, and it does depend on the venue and the atmosphere they are going for. Dh and i attended a child free wedding just before planning ours and thought it was the most fabulous, sophisticated thing, champagne, canapes, stately home etc. and went for the same thing ourselves. We made the token children we wanted to invite(our own two nieces and nephew) bridesmaid/page boy, but then had a blanket no child rule outside the wedding party. It was unclear whether it was your brother/sister at first, in which case i would make an exception, but if it is just your cousin, and you admit you are not actually that close, then i don't think it is unreasonable for your kids not to be invited. Had we not had that rule we would have had 20 kids just from my cousins, and over thirty kids in total. That would have changed the whole dynamic, and as the limit was 100 for the venue, we would have had to exclude our own friends instead. Although there may not be many kids on your side(literally just my dhs niece and nephew on his side) they may have a lot of children to consider on the other side.

fwiw, dh and i are attending a child free wedding later this year, and look forward to it as an adult event, which i think we hoped would be how our own guests would see it.

however. Yanbu as they should have made this clear from the start
or certainly when you mentioned the children in your email in january.

notnowImreading · 28/02/2014 06:41

Reading threads like these, I realise how much I must have offended people with my own wedding invitations (we had a wedding list; I emailed friends with kids and said that their children were invited but could they tell me before the rest of the invitations went out whether they wanted to bring them so that I could invite other people if they were going to leave them behind). I had absolutely no idea at the time that it might upset people (no kids of my own, hadn't started mumsnetting, it was a whole mysterious other world) and I'm so grateful to all my friends who said nothing at all except lovely things and just showed they were happy I was getting married.

Thing is, if they haven't got children of their own, they just don't know. A lot of people think you should know things which are outside your own experience, but until someone points it out, you often don't. The immediate run up to your wedding, which is stressful and fraught with emotion, is not a great time to be told you're an arse by someone you hoped would just be happy for you.

So, OP, your kind reply sounds perfect. If you swallow your upset for your cousin's sake, it's a lovely thing you're doing.

oranges · 28/02/2014 06:48

We attended a child free wedding. The only exceptions were the bride's sister and I were allowed to bring our newborns. I left my older child at home. What was striking at the wedding, is that although my dd was in sling and slept most of the time, the guests, who all didn't know each other that well, swarmed round us. A baby was the best icebreaker possible and made conversation flow. It made me think that leaving children out actually makes it a less sociable do for adults.

ceres · 28/02/2014 07:42

"A wedding just isn't the same without children. Little girls in lovely dresses, little fat-fingered toddlers poking things on the buffet table, little boys flying round treading cake everywhere."

exactly why I am a fan of childfree weddings.

ceres · 28/02/2014 07:44

"TBH I'd my kids don't go then I don't. We're a package deal."

strange attitude. so you don't go anywhere without your children? does it work the other way too - do they decline party invitations if you are not invited?

WorrySighWorrySigh · 28/02/2014 07:44

YANBU

If you can do it politely then you should make clear to B&G why you are not coming. If they dont have children then they may be really unaware of how difficult a child-free wedding can be for guests especially if it is a family wedding so normal childcarers are also attending the wedding.

If the B&G receive a lot of declines then they may reconsider their position when the guest list drops from a jolly family group to a couple of elderly aunts and uncles who's names nobody knows!

A lot of B&Gs have an image in their mind of the type of wedding they want without actually thinking through the logistics of it. They may want something cool and uber chic but if their respective families arent that then the choice is have the wedding party the family guests will bring or buy in different guests!

mashpot · 28/02/2014 07:54

Ridiculous! I assume that we can't bring kids to friends weddings but that they would be invited to family ones. You absolutely can not introduce an age cut off! No way woud I be making an effort to go, insane expecting you to leave one child at home!

My 2nd cousin got married last year, my mum and dad and 2 sisters plus partners were invited but me and other sis with kids weren't even invited because she didn't want kids there! I have family on DHs side who could easily have left DS with for the night but she didn't even give us the option! That one was a bit weird too in my opinion.

bodybooboo · 28/02/2014 07:55

it's perfectly easy op. life is short. if you want to go then go, if you don't then don't.

FabBakerGirl · 28/02/2014 08:03

I think you are getting a hard time from those saying you are silly to assume that the children are invited if not names on the save the date card. IME we have received cards with no names at all, are we to assume it is the house that is invited? Hmm

The bride should have "owned" the decision and not blamed it on MOB.

Don't say you might not be able to go now. That makes of blackmail even though it isn't. Just say no. And don't apologise. It isn't your fault your kids aren't invited and you have done nothing wrong.

bochead has it perfectly.

Our children weren't invited to a wedding that we were but there was no save the date first and we had a lovely letter from the bride explaining why the children weren't able to come. All down to the venue and while we were upset, and didn't go as DH had booked our holiday before I suggested he go alone, it was their choice with acceptable reasons, ie not finance, not about mess or noise, etc.

bochead · 28/02/2014 08:15

childfree or not childfree is one debate. No rights or wrongs, just be clear on the invites, so everyone knows where they stand.

Blatantly excluding just one sibling from an event the rest of the family are warmly invited to is just plum wrong. To do so 2 months after Mum has emailed to clarify just compounds the offence.

Why is basic kindness and consideration for others becoming as rare as common sense?

ComposHat · 28/02/2014 08:23

Thanks for clarifying op. On the fence now.

I guess aass email conplicates things as with written correspondence whom the envelope is addressed to normally a good clue. I think botg of you should have been clearer in your emails.

I'd put it down as unfortunate crossed wires.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 28/02/2014 12:59

Monday wedding? WTF?

On the other hand, do the DC have good school friends who'd countenance a weekday sleepover?

redcatblackcat · 28/02/2014 13:12

i don't think it's a big deal.
You don't have to have kids at weddings! I think it's a bit precious to assume that most people should be happy to have kids at weddings - kids get bored and start misbehaving and whining.
I'm getting married next year and i don't want any whiners ruining the ceremony like my sister's twins did at my brother's nuptials!

redcatblackcat · 28/02/2014 13:12

What is wrong with a wedding on a Monday?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/02/2014 13:13

Monday wedding, sudden decision to exclude children.

Sounds like they are trying to do it on the cheap to me...

emptychair I wouldn't send your first sentence 'I'm sorry if this puts you in an awkward position'. Why on earth are you apologising for their rudeness?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 28/02/2014 13:14

redcat people can have a child free wedding, but you can't invite whole families and then change your mind when you realise you've over-invited!

redcatblackcat · 28/02/2014 13:14
Bunbaker · 28/02/2014 13:15

"I think it's a bit precious to assume that most people should be happy to have kids at weddings"

I also think it's a bit precious for the bride(zilla) to throw a strop when lots of people decline their invitations because they can't get childcare.

redcatblackcat · 28/02/2014 13:16

Bunbaker - fair enough!

anklebitersmum · 28/02/2014 13:18

I'd be cross too. To 'uninvite' the children, seemingly at the MOB's request at this stage is unthinking and inconsiderate at best.

I'd e-mail and decline politely along the lines of

"Dear Bride & Groom and MOB who's clearly running the show

Thank you for your message informing us of your change of plans. Unfortunately this means that we will now be unable to attend. Please do be sure to send us your wedding list and we hope you have a lovely day. oh, and well done to MOB on saving a few quid

Obviously don't send these bits though Grin

miaowmix · 28/02/2014 13:23

Agree with redcat. I've hardly been to ANY weddings ever where there were children, I certainly didn't go to one when I was a child.
It wouldn't bother me in the slightest to go without my child because we're not actually joined at the hip, and thankfully enjoy seperate social lives.
Plus, why assume children would be invited? That seems so strange to me but I suppose we move in different circles.

anklebitersmum · 28/02/2014 13:29

'Hatchings, matching & dispatchings' are traditionally family orientated events aren't they?

Especially weddings..the joining of two families and all that.

I've never been to or had a wedding that didn't invite familial children.

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