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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 20:13

we do have some kind of primal defence mechanism when it comes to our children

It was the other woman who put this mechanism into action!

I am quite sure, had she, as most sensible, and rational parents on this thread have already said what they would have done which is,

Smile, say hello, swopped toys to distract or told our older child we will not take from the baby....and moved on....I am sure op would never ever have written here.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 20:18

Well, I am amazed at the level of anger being expressed on this thread

I am astounded that so many people think its ok to harshly reprimand a baby who doesnt know better and has no capacity too at such a young age.

I am astounded that people cannnot see the irony in a woman snatching and raising her voice to a baby for.................................................................................................Snatching. The irony they talk about teaching children manners when they are teaching their older child, its ok to shout, snatch and take off a bay because they wanted the toy first.

Its inverted.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 20:20

some posters on here would have

The posters who would have had the knee jerk reaction are not those defending the op, they, we are the ones who would never ever have turned a baby taking something out of curiosity into such a melodrama.

the ones saying its OK to tell off someone elses baby are those who will be having the knee jerk reactions.

SnowBells · 28/02/2014 20:25

YABU OP… this must be a joke?!?

Who on earth told you about that 'no' theory???

Too many parents do not say NO often enough, IMHO.

Goldenbear · 28/02/2014 20:39

You've come a bit late to the party with that one SnowBells! The non reactionaries amongst us have already decided that the OP was not being unreasonable in expecting a grown woman not to snatch a toy, take a toy- whatever, from her 1 year old's grasp as it was a complete OTT reaction.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 20:49

GoldenBear, people turn up all the time during threads. New posters are surely still welcome, no matter how many times the topic has gone round and round.

TamerB · 28/02/2014 20:50

However people will do it- you have no control in public places and therefore you need to deal with it in a calm, unflustered manner.

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 28/02/2014 21:41

TamerB didn't i do just that? I get that you disagree with me but I genuinely don't know what you would have me do instead.

Chocolate yes you did make clear it was a general comment and I agree we can all be a bit sensitive when it comes to our own children. I'm just a bit fed up of various posters saying I'm exaggerating / misrepresenting what happened.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 28/02/2014 21:52

Nobody should be snatching and shouting at toddler group.

Especially grown-ups.

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 22:04

You simply cannot expect a toddler not to snatch/shout if you as an adult cannot control yourself, get some perspective

TamerB · 28/02/2014 22:16

I am only saying that you have to cope with it. In an ideal world adults wouldn't snatch and shout but in reality they will and you can't stop them! It is pointless making a mountain out of a molehill.

SergeantJarhead · 28/02/2014 22:37

Op - I would have had my eye on my child watching his every move so I could have told him 'No' myself however ... if someone else tells my child off, there's going to be a problem >:{ YANBU.

TamerB · 28/02/2014 22:43

Of course there will be a problem - you can't stop anyone. I certainly wouldn't frighten my child by making a scene, I would simply help them find another toy. It is trivial.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 28/02/2014 22:46

Op at the end of the day the other mother didnt need to snatch and shout at your very young child.

For all we know she might be pfb over her child and not like the fact he had something taken away from him.

Either way yanbu, but welcome to the world of crazy parenting where other people think they can shout and snaych from a 19 month old and that is the way to teach him not to do it again

TamerB · 01/03/2014 07:15

It is indeed 'welcome to the world of crazy parenting'!
I don't see any need to go into the rights and wrongs of it - it is just a fact that similar things will happen and you have to cope. You can make a fuss afterwards ( not that I think a scene is helpful for your child) BUT you can't stop it before you know it will happen!

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 08:29

it is just a fact that similar things will happen and you have to cope.

She did. Then she posted about it on MN because she wasn't sure if her feelings about someone raising their voice to and snatching from her baby were out of kilter with other mothers.

It turns out that most MNers think it's inappropriate too but there are, as usual, a few who can't resist the opportunity to make weird accusations about angst and making mountains out of molehills, as if the OP had put the other mother up against a wall and punched her lights out Hmm.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 08:40

You will always get the whole range from those who wouldn't notice to those who would ban the woman from the toddler group.
The only important thing to note is that, regardless of feeling, her child will be very lucky not to experience it again and sometimes completely unfairly. It really is not 'my child, my rules' when out- you can't control others.

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 10:58

In that situation I would have said please don't raise you voice and snatch something from a baby, I was just about to deal with the situation. It might be the big bad world but that does not mean you cannot call out people on their behaviour, that woman was quick enough to do it to a toddler I wonder how she would feel having it done to herself.

2tiredtocare · 01/03/2014 11:28

I'm starting to feel really lucky with the toddler group I go to Grin

TamerB · 01/03/2014 11:33

If she was going to do that to a baby I doubt very much whether she wouldn't give a mouthful back! Much best to ignore completely-for your baby's sake. Some things you just let go, and choose your battles. Do you really think the woman would just say 'I'm terrible sorry, I won't do it again'. Hmm

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 11:47

Do you really think the woman would just say 'I'm terrible sorry, I won't do it again'.

Probably not but she might think twice before doing it again. People who are happy to lay into vulnerable others aren't usually so brave if they think they'll be challenged by an equal.

I'd probably have called her on it, especially if I were an established member of the group. It would be hard to do it on your first visit when you can't be sure that your perspective on appropriate behaviour is shared by others. That's why it's so useful to be able come on MN and ask.

OwlCapone · 01/03/2014 12:27

lay into vulnerable others

Who laid into a vulnerable other??

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:31

People who are happy to lay into vulnerable others aren't usually so brave if they think they'll be challenged by an equal.

Not in my experience! Either they think they are fully justified and will say so or they are embarrassed and so will justify.
There is no way I would do that to a baby, but if I did need to tell a child off and the mother had a go at me I would tell her politely but firmly why I did it and why I would do it again if the situation called for it.

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 12:32

See Tamer I wouldn't care if she gave me a mouthful back I am well capable of defending myself verbally and I am assertive which is a little different than the 19 mth old. I think she would think twice about doing it again having been called out on it she certainly won't without that happening.

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 12:34

*lay into vulnerable others

Who laid into a vulnerable others*

Snatched and raised her voice to a 19 mth old is the equivalent of laying into an adult.