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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:35

Well I would care-not for me but I simply wouldn't want my baby in the middle of it-it is far, far worse than the original which the child will have long forgotten while we argue about it for days!
It was something and nothing-distract your child and move on.
I don't get babies and small children in the middle of rows by adults who should no better. I ignore and keep the moral high ground.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:35

should know better.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:36

People always underestimate the power of ignoring and think it weakness.

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 12:38

It doesn't have to be a row Tamer you can express your point of view firmly without raising your voice and you can walk away when your point is made all perfectly possible.

OwlCapone · 01/03/2014 12:39

Snatched and raised her voice to a 19 mth old is the equivalent of laying into an adult.

Nonsense. This has all got exaggerated beyond belief.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:39

OP used the words 'a bit miffed' and I expect we would all feel like that but I certainly don't waste time getting into rows if I am merely 'a bit miffed' -the woman took the toy back and gave it back to the child it was taken off-perfectly reasonable. It would have been better if she had offered another toy and said 'sorry x is playing with it, you can have a turn in a minute'. However we don't live in an ideal world and you will come across minor irritations.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:41

Nonsense. This has all got exaggerated beyond belief.

Exactly-I can't think why I am wasting time on such trivia or why OP didn't forget it by the time she had left the hall.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 12:43

It doesn't have to be a row Tamer you can express your point of view firmly without raising your voice and you can walk away when your point is made all perfectly possible.

And then you deal with the possible backlash where you either get into a slanging match or do my first suggestion of ignore. It makes the assumption that having made your point the other woman will ignore-unlikely if you can't!

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 12:54

How many children would have to be subjected to her behaviour before you think adults should step in tamer.

Original poster

MogwaiTheGremlin · 01/03/2014 13:19

I guess I didn't forget it because it was the first time it had happened to me (and we go to a lot of groups) and it was my first time at this particular group. I'm not saying it's a big deal and I've made clear that I'm looking forward to going back next week.
Loads of people have called me 'pathetic' etc for posting about it but given some of the crap that gets put on here I thought it would be ok! It is a parenting forum after all.
As Golden says it's sometimes nice to gauge other people's opinion and, as a first time mum I've learned loads from MN. I presumed if people weren't interested they would just read another post, as I do when I see posts that don't appeal to me.

OP posts:

KatnipEvergreen · 01/03/2014 13:46

Depends on how it is done I think.

Someone shouted at DD1 "Don't you ever hurt my son again!" Her crime: accidentally stepping on her son's toe. DD1 was really shaken by her nasty tone and got very upset.

Ghostsdonttalk · 01/03/2014 13:54

I haven't read the whole thread but I think your are in no way being unreasonable . The other mother was wrong and Showed herself up. Your 19 month old is a baby and cannot be expected to fully play nicely for at least another 12 months. You are quite rightly teaching him now but the other Mothers tone was wrong.

I would have been upset and I would have said so to her.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 15:18

Tamer, I see no reason why asking someone not to raise their voice to my child in future would result in a full blown row which traumatised any children present. Most people can disagree with having a screaming match. I am, however, fairly sure that any adult who had been called for such behaviour would think twice about doing it again, even if they felt able to try and justify it at the time.

There are times when ignoring is the best course of action and times when it's appropriate to make a comment.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 16:50

So ladies, do we think that every time someone uses a tone we are not too keen on, or behaves in a way we don't like, we should pull them up on it and point out the thing we don't like?
People are a bit rude, or a bit loud, or a bit aggressive, or a bit rough, or a bit in your face......everywhere you go. It's just part of being out in society. There is a time and a place to point out things, but they are few and far between. What is being suggested here just sounds a little bit precious to me. Lots of different people out in public, will have I traction s with our children. Sometimes they will speak to them in ways we don't like, or use language in front of them that we don't like, or jump the queue in front of them. Are we always going to point out their rudeness?

Probably the woman at toddler group was a bit rude ......I cannot believe the child has any recollection of the incident now and is certainly not scarred. Perhaps considering it that way, is a good approach to deciding if something needs to be said.

MyDarlingClementine · 01/03/2014 17:15

If someone picks on my baby I am gonna pull them up on it for sure.

No one should think its ok to be nasty to a small child.

MyDarlingClementine · 01/03/2014 17:20

It turns out that most MNers think it's inappropriate too but there are, as usual, a few who can't resist the opportunity to make weird accusations about angst and making mountains out of molehills, as if the OP had put the other mother up against a wall and punched her lights out hmm

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 17:20

MyDarling, I guess we just have different views of 'being picked on'.
Not sure the OP saw her situation like that. She referred to feeling 'a bit miffed'
A lot of how you view all this, depends on if you are prepared to allow your child to be corrected by someone else, or immediately defend their behaviour when that happens I think.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 17:33

A lot of how you view all this, depends on if you are prepared to allow your child to be corrected by someone else, or immediately defend their behaviour when that happens I think.

Not at all. I live in a community where we all pick each others children up on their behaviour when it's appropriate and I've never had cause to take anyone to task. That's probably because nobody has ever felt the need to raise their voice to my toddler.

I'd have said something whether this was my child or someone else's.

There is a time and a place to point out things, but they are few and far between.

You don't think this is one of those time. I do. That doesn't mean either of us is wrong, too confrontational, doesn't care about traumatising our own child or is unable to maintain our perspective about our own child's behaviour.

ChocolateWombat · 01/03/2014 17:50

Tbh, I couldn't say for certain if it is one of those times or not, not having seen the incident myself. The fact that the OP didn't speak and later said other people who had been there couldn't believe she was going to post about it because they felt there was no real issue, makes me think I probably would not have.
I am not a pushover. I am quite willing to voice my concerns when I feel I need to. I have learned over time, to count to 10 and think again, because I am naturally a bit hot headed. As my children have got older (and I know this was a very little one) I have also learned to back off a bit. I have not got involved in some incidents my younger one have found themselves in, that I would have done with the eldest......guess As time has passed, I have encountered more people and situations and just am more selective now.

Goldmandra · 01/03/2014 18:05

Chocolate I'm sure you're very measured and mature.

TamerB · 01/03/2014 21:05

Very sensible ChocolateWombat- it is nice to have someone putting it into perspective.

anothernumberone · 01/03/2014 21:15

Goldmandra I have to agree completely I would have no problem with people chastising my children but I would have a problem with someone chastising a baby most particularly my baby. I do not think am adult has any business doing that .

TamerB · 01/03/2014 21:18

The whole point is that you can't stop it, other than removing your baby. I am hardly likely to shout at a baby but if I choose to tell off a child and the mother is 'assertive' in telling me she doesn't like it I shall just point out politely that she has no control other than removing her child.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/03/2014 21:23

Could someone answer a few questions for me on this

When does a baby stop being a baby?
What exactly is something serious? surely its subjective.
We have gone from quite loudly to shouting, which is it?

TamerB · 01/03/2014 21:28

I remember a mother of a 6 month old telling off my 18 month old, she didn't see him as a baby - it is subjective.
She spoke loudly and OP was miffed- it has been wildly exaggerated as the thread went on.

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