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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you shouldn't discipline another child...

382 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 27/02/2014 11:54

...unless it's something quite serious?

My ds is 19 months and this morning we went to a new playgroup for the first time so I didn't know any of the other mums. Ds went over to an older/bigger child and grabbed a toy car off him. The other child didn't seem too put out (no outraged squawk / crying) but I made my way over to return it to the child as he had clearly been playing with it. Before I got there the child's mother / carer had grabbed it back off ds and said quite loudly "No! Don't snatch. He was playing with it".

I was a bit miffed because I wouldn't discipline a child I didn't know and also I try to save "No" for serious crimes. We are teaching ds to pass things nicely (failed!) and an adult grabbing something sets a bad example. Also because she raised her voice a few people turned to look and it made ds' behaviour seem much worse than it was. Just a bit embarrassing as we were new.

I realise it's not a big deal but AIBU?

OP posts:
2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 14:25

That is so different it is ridiculous

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 14:26

I don't tell other people's kids off but if they go to run in the road, touch something hot I would grab them without a thought, any right minded person would!

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 14:28

2tired....but did you see the point I was trying to make. I said my example was extreme. I said we were MOVING in that direction.

TamerB · 28/02/2014 14:29

Some parents, especially new ones, seem to think they can control their child's whole environment and it is 'my child, my rules'. This is only if they stay at home and don't have visitors! If I think it necessary to tell a child off I will do so. 'It takes a village........' is far healthier.

Thumbwitch · 28/02/2014 14:29

2tired - I agree, any right-minded person would - but there are some people out there who would then actually shout at you for daring to touch their child, even if you were saving them! Honestly.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 14:34

Yes Thumb! They would.

A Toddler group should be a safe place. You all have children in common. You know some people and could well become good friends with others there too. Isn't that in itself, some kind of community....isn't it possible that you all want the best for the children.
I find the idea that only an immediate parent has anything to say that. An be helpful for a child to grow, bizarre. Increasingly, more and more 'outsiders' will have an input. The ones in the Toddler group can be embraced.

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 14:49

I wouldn't care if they shouted at me from pulling their child back from a busy road (although I imagine that'd be a rare reaction) I can handle it, I'm an adult. So if I don't want adults shouting at my baby and snatching from them, I should stay at home? It does take a community and we are in it together so mothers of babies should recognise that when they snatch they are being a baby and shouting is unnecessary

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 14:50

I don't remember anyone saying that don't want any 'outsiders' talking to their child

anothernumberone · 28/02/2014 14:58

OP I completey agree with you here my two real objections are to her raising her voice and snatching the toy

Personally I have had occasion to deal with many other people's children (not babies, which I believe your little one is) over the years and I have never snatched nor raised my voice. I also don't really discipline 19 month olds because I think they are babies so I am probably absolutely no use in backing up your case on this thread

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/02/2014 15:04

I do think the other mum should have waited for you to come over, Mogwai, using the moment or two to comfort/explain to her own DC that babies don't always know not to snatch and, for what it's worth, in your shoes I too would have been a bit 'miffed'.

I remember back when (at the age of 18 months) my youngest did much much worse, actually bit a little boy of about 3 or 4 on the arm! Hard! The little boy (quite rightly) screamed and before I could cover the few feet to reach them, the other mum had slapped my baby on the hand/arm!
I was raging!
I could totally see that she had been shocked to core by this unwarranted and unexpected attack on her son (it was a hard bite!) but in that moment I wanted to wrestle her to the floor and punch her senseless! Blush Blush
I didn't, of course!

Sorry, I'm going off thread here. It's funny how you don't forget these things, isn't it?

PourquoiPas · 28/02/2014 15:11

I dunno, my 19 month old is quite capable of being aggressive and snatching (perhaps she is just incredibly advanced), she does have an elder brother though. IMO 19 months is not too little to understand that you don't just take something if you want it, and I don't think I should have to teach my older child that he should give my younger child whatever she wants just because she is younger.

I would expect my 4 year old to let another child share some of a group of toys (so if there were four trains and a toddler took one I would tell him to let the other child keep it because we share nicely) and to let the younger child have a turn, but he is quite entitled to play with a toy and not have it snatched and just have to accept that.

At a playgroup I would probably take it back gently and say "X is playing with that at the moment, would you like to have this instead? Or would you like to have a turn in a minute?". But I think you are being PFB to expect others parents to let yours do as he likes in the hope that you're are going to deal with it. Unfortunately many parent's don't bother so once you've been going for a while you tend to deal with things yourself.

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 15:38

You could've had her arrested Adish

Original poster
MogwaiTheGremlin · 28/02/2014 15:39

I want people to interact with my child - the whole point in going is for the socialisation - but I don't want strangers to raise their voice to my ds for something so minor.

I go to some kind of group / activity every single day of the week and this has never happened before. But it won't stop me going and I think it's unfair to say I should stay at home.

AD Oh. My. God!! Cake

OP posts:
2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 15:40

I certainly wouldn't mind that Porquois otherwise you are essentially tussling with a baby/toddler

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 15:41

If all the people that didn't want their DC's shouted at or hit (!) stayed at home there would be precious few people at toddler group, if you can't control your temper you shouldn't expect such high standards from toddlers surely

Goldenbear · 28/02/2014 15:43

TamerB, it could equally be argued that the mother of the child in the OP's scenario is trying to control her child's environment- life is not always fair and people will upset you over minor things. IMO, It is imperative to encourage children to not be fussed by such small incidents. It is also important to encourage patience and tolerance of babies and very young toddlers. I have a nearly 7 year old who I have encouraged to be understanding and protective of his nearly 3 year old sister as it is important that he tolerates the difference in age. I have done this since she was a baby and they are really good friends now. When his friends come around to play and some behave impatiently with her, he reminds them that she is only 2.

ChocolateWombat · 28/02/2014 15:44

2tired, what you have just said, is exactly why some people would feel they could not help a child who was running into the road.
I am not justifying the person who hit the biter mentioned above. Of course not. However, the reaction that some people have of 'Im calling the Police' extends to the point, that people fear they will be reported for almost anything....so sadly decide, the safest thing is to avoid any interaction with children at all, in case a gobby person wants their rights protected down to the nth degree. I kid you not, a friend of mine saw a child throwing litter all over the street. They didn't say anything, but the parent didn't like the look my friend gave the child and threatened to beat her up.

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 15:56

She SLAPPED a baby!! She didn't stop one from running in the road, you can't compare the two things.

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 15:59

isn't it possible that you all want the best for the children

In all bar one incident in one group I went too, Yes most Mothers and other careers were sensible and friendly and kind.

The one where the lady snatched my babies toy and gave her evils was only emotionally immature and unable to empathise with a small baby, she was more out raged for her own child.

No, not in every case is another adult in the room thinking of the wider picture.

TamerB · 28/02/2014 16:01

Speaking as the oldest of 3, Goldenbear, my youngest brother got away with murder because he was 'the baby'-and boy didn't he know how to play it!!
I really can't see what was wrong with the OP scenario-the child snatched a toy, she was told not to and it was handed back. The child she snatched it off might have been bigger but since he was at toddler group he can't have been much older!

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 16:02

When his friends come around to play and some behave impatiently with her, he reminds them that she is only 2
yes my older child also does this when she has friends over. She will say
" she doesn't understand she is only a baby"

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 28/02/2014 16:02

FGS of course any adult who could would grab a child who is running into the road. I don't think any right minded person would think twice about the parent's opinion when it comes to saving a child's life.

I would be upset if someone hit my child but I have witnessed a child being bitten at playgroup and it's hugely shocking and upsetting - she probably reacted in the moment and lashed out to defend her child. Obviously still not right, but actually probably not the end of the world (and I would never hit a child for biting so I realise this is a bit hypocritical!)

IdRatherPlayHereWithAllTheMadM · 28/02/2014 16:02

At our groups you get babies up to 4 years, quite a big diff there.

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/02/2014 16:05

"You could've had her arrested Adish"

That was (just) one of the things I threatened her with, 2tired Grin

2tiredtocare · 28/02/2014 16:11

What did she say?!