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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ok so I posted earlier but I've now had to call the police...

295 replies

MeepMeepVrooom · 25/02/2014 17:14

I posted earlier about my ExH taking pictures from my FB page and putting them on his, he tagged his girlfriend of 2 weeks in them etc etc...

I have just been to pick up my DD from nursery to be told than a woman fitting his new girlfriends description tried to collect DD from nursery. They called me but I was already on my way and told them I would deal with it, they refused to release my DD (obviously) and waited on me.

She was gone by the time i got there and have called 101 once I was home.

This bizarre behaviour seems to be escalating and I'm getting worried. I know where the woman is right now and tbh I'm trying my best to stay calm and not go to her and go through her like a ton of bricks.

Has anyone been in this position? I'm really struggling to sit tight right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
MeepMeepVrooom · 25/02/2014 22:51

Oh and I protect her from him. So sorry but your post is bullshit

OP posts:
HadABadDay2014 · 25/02/2014 22:56

It really doesn't matter what policy the nursery has. He has PR and the nursery have no choice but to hand over a child if proof is in black and white.

If the father turned up with birth certificate and ID the nursery would have no choice.

jamtoast12 · 25/02/2014 22:56

I think what coco meant was that whilst it's an awful situation, its a difficult one for the police as I imagine they can't stop him going the nursery if he can prove PR. He is allowed to give permission to his gf and will probably say he did, so without a court order or something saying he can't have access, there's likely nothing they can do.

legally he hasn't broken any rules. Morally he and his gf are disgraceful. I mean how would your dd have felt getting picked up by a stranger....who would do that to their child, that shows how crap he is. However I imagine the police will chat to him but essentially it will be up to you to address legally, which is probably why they've told you to keep her away.

jamtoast12 · 25/02/2014 23:00

I wander if the gf has instigated the whole thing, wanting to impress him by trying to play happy families? I don't think I'd send her back until you've sorted the legal side out. I mean, if he turned up with proof and they called police and you weren't there, surely the police legally have to let him take her?

Marcipex · 25/02/2014 23:01

If a parent turned up with ID and birth certificate, we would still not hand over the child, if our contract was with the other parent and they had told us not to.

We had to look at our legal position on this because of an identical situation, and that is the advice we were given and follow.

cjel · 25/02/2014 23:06

My dd didn't want her x or his family having anything to do with her dd and we just told the school the people who could collect her and that was enough for them, I don't think it matters if there are court ordesr or parental responsibility, If you are concerned that is enough for the school to make it a safe place for your child. His dad will have to go to court to be able to change your wishes.

rumbleinthrjungle · 25/02/2014 23:09

Agree with Marcipex, the nurseries I've had contact with wouldn't just hand a child over in these circumstances to a parent or any other family member who had never picked up or collected before, who was known to them to have no contact with the child or family, without having been told before hand that this was the plan by the main carer, and being sure it was with their knowledge and permission. They'd ring the parent they expected to pick up to check. They have a duty of care to the child first and foremost.

Possibly this is one of the situations where if the parent trying to collect without agreement was unhappy at being refused they have the freedom to go to court and make their case for contact. It doesn't sound as if that is likely from Meep's posts.

Original poster
MeepMeepVrooom · 25/02/2014 23:10

Sorry coco I think my last post is more to do with my state of mind right now than anything else. I'm going to sign off for the night and try to sleep. Will update tomorrow. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
MoominsYonisAreScary · 25/02/2014 23:20

Regardless of pr status no nursery or school would hand over a child to someone they dont know and who the child doesnt even know

deakymom · 25/02/2014 23:27

my sons nursery rang me to see if it was okay to hand over our son to him which was surprising because we are still married and he is his dad problem was i was the one who signed the papers not him so i had to authorize him! he was a bit Confused but its his own fault really he said just put your name on it im working!

really though get a prohibited steps order you can get a temp one i believe then a hearing and a full one issued yes you should go for a residency order also which won't stop him taking her will assure prompt return by the police because he has the right to see not keep! go to the solicitors first thing if they have no time go to another (where i live we have a road full of them you can just knock on doors till you get one with an appointment) first half an hour/hour is usually free but write down all you want to say and do before you go and it will be faster/cheaper

deakymom · 25/02/2014 23:29

or you can google follow the gov link and apply yourself its about £215 for a prohibited steps order
www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order

Beavie · 26/02/2014 00:06

Yep prohibited steps order is what you need. Speak to a solicitor, you should be able to get into court as an emergency hearing in the next couple of days.

My dd was abducted by her father, who has severe mental health problems and is very abusive, for 4 days, and there was nothing I could do about it as he had PR. Got her back from the police late Friday night, Monday morning I was in court and got an injunction and prohibited steps order. 18 court hearings later and the final hearing is next month, it had been a long process.

When you have your court orders, obviously give copies of them and photos of your ex and gf to nursery and school when your dd starts. But please, get to a court ASAP as you literally have no legal protection against him just taking her until you've done that.

ThatVikRinA22 · 26/02/2014 00:33

do speak to nursery tomorrow and make it absolutely crystal clear that she leaves with NO ONE other than you. They should not hand her over to anyone regardless of PR - she doesnt know the man (or his gf) from adam so PR doesnt really enter into it. Its actually classed as abduction so be assured the police will take this seriously.

and solicitor. tomorrow. you need something legally binding put into place.

you must have had a hell of a shock. Take steps tomorrow with regards nursery, telling family who look after dd, and seeing solicitor. And agree with deleting FB account.

eightandthreequarters · 26/02/2014 00:44

Coco44 - ?? You don't actually get what's going on here, do you?

Hope the police get back to you soon, OP. I'm glad your work were okay to give you the day off, that's brilliant.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/02/2014 02:31

What a shock for you, horrible. Keep your dd close and extract many snuggles from her at every opportunity :)

Hope the police are helpful. Even if there's no clear legal issue, they may well be successful at warning him/ her off.

I wonder if they know of her through other troubles she may have caused, which might help the police be on your side as well.

bochead · 26/02/2014 02:33

Phone a solicitor and get them to apply for a prohibited steps order.

If the police are involved it's fairly straightforward to do.

Phone your local social services and tell them what has happened. It's all about making sure everyone who can help is kept in the loop asap. Nutty GF is already known to the authorities, so the quicker they are informed the quicker they can offer you assistance and the reassurance that I'm sure you so badly need right now.

I got a temp prohibited steps order at the first hearing for 3 months straight away and then one that runs until my kid is 18 at the second. It was surprisingly straightforward as my ex's OW was also known to the authorities.

Basically you need to let the relevant agencies know straight away your child is at risk, as this will make the nursery's/future schools job easier if the situation ever escalates.

Delete your facebook account - it's such an obvious general hunting ground for all kinds of loons nowadays & the security is pathetic. I refuse point blank to use it.

My son uses google products (email/docs) to family members overseas, and so long as you keep any docs/photos set to share with just your circle it seems to be pretty safe. Do be careful who you share photos etc with though, send nothing to anyone who likes to pass stuff on to all their contacts.

RedFocus · 26/02/2014 07:41

My ex can't pick our kids up from school because he is not on the system to allow him too! We live hundreds of miles apart and he has no reason to so I didn't bother putting him on the system. If he turned up tomorrow to pick them up he would be sent away empty handed because only 3 people are allowed to collect and they are my husband, my mum and myself. Nurseries are even more strict with code words now. So all that crap about ID and birth certs is bullshit! The girlfriend basically tried to abduct a child and the police will not take that lightly regardless of who she's seeing as he has no rights to give people permission to collect the ops dc.
Op get to a solicitor ASAP and get yourselves protected. Hope you are feeling better today and that the police have scared those scum bags off.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/02/2014 07:54

I cant speak for the nursery in case there are diff rules but I can say categorically a school cannot stop a parent from collecting a child without a prohibitive steps order in place.

There is Department of Education Guidance on this specifically to stop schools getting dragged into parental disputes. If I remember rightly this also includes RESIDENT step parents.

It is important the OP gets proper legal advice and the relevant orders put in place because at the moment - legally he can do what he wants.

A nirsery may intervene buy legally they would be on v dodgy ground.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/02/2014 08:00

I cant find the specific guidance but here is some Ill keep looking

here

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/02/2014 08:03

School and LA staff must treat all parents equally, unless there is a court order limiting an individual's exercise of parental responsibility

Mignonette · 26/02/2014 08:08

Nobody but friends can see my profile. Everybody else (including friends of friends) gets a blank page. I don't understand why anybody would have their settings in any other way especially if you are posting your children's photos on it.

Yes calling the police is the right thing to do- this is attempted abduction if she does not have your express permission and needs to be treated as such.

Mignonette · 26/02/2014 08:09

This was not a parent trying to collect the child though was it?

it was some random in a relationship with a parent. That is the difference.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/02/2014 08:14

If he gave her permission she had as much right to as anyone else you send or allow.

I am not saying theu are rightly morally or emotionally but you and anyone else on this thread who thinks their word is enough, need to take the appropriate legal steps to protect your children. Which are residency orders AND prohibitove steps orders.

Schools and I imagine nurseries would be on very dodgy ground in cases like this if they refused to hand over a child to some one they knew was a parent.

WeekendsAreHappyDays · 26/02/2014 08:16

He could insist on having gis name down and putting her on a list for example.

It should be fairly simple to obtain a PSO as other posters have explained.

AmazingJumper · 26/02/2014 08:20

What, a parent the child has never seen. Don't be daft.