SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

I do think you need to actually -ask- her. atm you're just guessing, guessing, guessing. You won't know until you ask her and get an answer ... If you get one. Second guessing atm is just winding you up.

The only problem I can see is that she rather sneers a bit at you and so if you ask outright you might get even more sneering. But that's a risk you will have to take, unless you want to keep on guessing. Could things be worse than they are now? They've gone from close to pretty darn distant.

It can be phrased tactuflly, something on the lines of 'we used to be close, but aren't now and I am not sure why. It may be that I've done something but am unaware of it. If that's the case could we talk it out? I'd be willing to, because I liked the closeness we had at first and miss it. "

DH's SIL is the same as yours! but we don't have any solutions.

She lost her mum when she was a child. She's busy in the community, appears to have lots of friends, camping trips, hosts big parties, etc but after initially being very friendly pushed us all away. We're never included and DB is restricted in his contact with us, other stuff is always arranged in order that he's late or has to cancel.

DH & I used to house share and holiday with DB then we moved out, had the first grand child and DB met SIL.
In my opinion she was insecure and DB did n't/could never reassure her enough, she was jealous of our closeness. She had a baby within a year of ours and got competitive where competition was n't called for. eg 'Who had the most organic baby', 'Who sourced the prettiest baby stuff'.

I think the sadest thing is that we mourn what could have been, it should be better.
We miss seeing DB, we should enjoy being with the woman he's chosen and being able to be close to our nieces. On paper we have loads in common with SIL but she pushes us away with her insecurity, chippiness and lies. We saw DB for 24 hrs this weekend by himself and it was lovely, he's such a nice man and DH misses his brother very much.

Daenerys, it wasn't just the nights out 6 times a year though was it? It was a night out slightly more than once a month and visits at the weekend as a family and attending big family occasions..

I think she may well have been feeling smothered. I think the fact you're so cross about them seeing you less illustrates exactly why she might have been feeling that way.

I think you need to give her space.

I think your brother sounds quite drippy really. His wife has an issue with his family, that's clear. No idea if the issue is reasonable or not. They haven't really resolved it, she's doing very occasional visits but in a grudging way (coat on, saying they have to leave, being hissed at for not talking to anyone at Christmas), no one is saying what the issue is, you ask and he fobs you off but cancels visits and lets her decline a generous present by text without explanation, although he apparently disagrees with this. Meanwhile your parents are missing out on seeing their grandchildren, even though officially there's nothing wrong.

Really feeble. So in your shoes, I'd be cornering DB to say your current approach to this isn't working, just be frank and stop pretending there is no issue when every encounter we have with you and your wife makes painfully clear that there is.

24 people of DH's family at Christmas = nightmare.

It's not that (mostly) they are nice people. But all together it's like 20 children at soft play. They're very noisy, their way is always right and anyone who doesn't enjoy it is plain wrong. They're very overwhelming on mass and I don't really enjoy it, I either join in feeling uncomfortable, or don't join in and they look at me askance.
They also all live close and know the same people I don't know, so a lot of the time is spent gossiping about people I don't know from Adam.

We did it several times when we were first married and when the children were small. Then we came to the realisation that actually our own small Christmas is lovely. When the children were small it was great to have someone to do the cooking and organising. Now they are older and less work it's much nicer to do things at our own rate.

I don't think you can claim she never makes an effort to see you if she's come 300 miles to see you. Have you gone to see her recently?

I've said "No thank you" to some things the ILs have offered (and my parents too). Because it hasn't been suitable/convenient etc. It doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. for example one of mine was invited to stay at half term once. I refused on their behalf, knowing that they would be disappointed, but knowing that they had a week of performances (late nights) the week before half term and they would be exhausted, and needed the half term to recover otherwise they would have struggled getting back to school.

I would like to hear the SILs side. I think we'd hear a complaetely different tale then.

Just read through this thread - what a tricky one. Like catsmamma I can't work out what I think.

I do think SIL's comments to the OP were rude - don't see how they can be explained away just as a difference of opinion - & I think the text telling her PIL they could buy the GC bikes for Christmas sounds very cheeky! Though not rude to decline the holiday idea, IMO.

But I would definitely feel smothered by the level of contact described here (previous level of contact, that is) & by the huge family Christmas gatherings etc.; so I can certainly see how that might be an issue for SIL. We live a similar distance from my PIL & see them 3-4 times a year at most.

I also can't help finding some of your statements a bit over-dramatic, OP - the never wanting to see SIL again in one post, & then in the next post how sad you are that you don't see more of her; the stuff about breaking your heart because her kids aren't going to be going on holiday with the GP - all slightly OTT, I think.

And if I were your SIL I'd really resent the implication that comes across in several of your posts, that your family - the ILs - are the only ones with SIL's children's interests at heart. I'm sure they do love the big Christmas dos, & I'm sure - unless they're very different from most other children - that they love quieter family Christmasses too. The suggestion that SIL should bite the bullet re. having extended family Christmasses "for the sake of the children" sounds a little sanctimonious.

Anyway, as others have said, you won't know anything unless you ask her what's wrong. But if it is a case of her having reached "saturation point", as someone put it, with minor irritations, & /or feeling overwhelmed by the whole extended family situation, then it will be difficult for her to be honest. And you're just going to have to respect her position, at the end of the day, if she has decided to disengage from it all.

I think you said that your brother does still visit, & GP do see the GC, so I do wonder if it's really as much of an issue as you're making out. You can't force someone to have a close relationship with you - even if they used to - if they don't want to, after all.

I'd just phone your brother up and ask him what's going on. It may have been something that happened, we've all read enough threads on here where its advised to withdraw from situations.

Of maybe she's just a bitch. But the not knowing would drive me mad.

SeaSickSal

Daenerys, it wasn't just the nights out 6 times a year though was it? It was a night out slightly more than once a month and visits at the weekend as a family and attending big family occasions..

Um, no? We go out on these 'nights out' 3 times a year (maybe 4 or 5 people at these). Then, there are maybe a couple of times when we bother getting together for birthdays etc, mostly the childrens. The only time we all get together for a family occasion is every other Christmas.

I think she may well have been feeling smothered. I think the fact you're so cross about them seeing you less illustrates exactly why she might have been feeling that way.

Smothered? I have seen her twice in nearly 2 years!

I think you need to give her space.

See above.

PLEASE ASK HER FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE BABY JESUS

I would probably send her a message saying "Hello. Was nice to see you on your visit; reminded me that we haven't spent quality time together in ages. Fancy a night out/spa day/visit etc?"

Then work from that. If she doesn't want to meet, you could say "are you just too busy? I understand. Or have I upset you? Is there anything else going on? Would love to see you."

At least that would be my first tactic.

I've no idea why she is upset or distant. I've definitely cut down on seeing my own SIL/BIL in the last couple of years because of grandparent treatment of the DC.

It isn't that the IL even know they are doing it. But every phonecall is about their kids. If I am up all night feeding the baby, then going to my very competitive, intense job, MIL will say "oh poor you - I'm just popping round to SIL because she doesn't want to have the kids today so she is off for a pamper day and I'll give the kids back tomorrow so she can have a good sleep" and making stupid comments like "oh we have to pay BIL/SIL rent because it wouldn't be far on SIL if she had to work when the kids are small", seemingly forgetting that DH and I have to do that.

Anyway, MIL says she adores all grandkids the same and BIL/SIL gloss over everything with "well, it's natural our kids are close to them as we live nearby, it's just a shame yours aren't so close."

Even though this is not BIL/SIL's fault, I find myself resenting them a bit. It has reached the point when if they grumble about IL, instead of laughing and agreeing as I might have previously, I feel deeply annoyed. The whole thing has eroded the relationship. If I spent time with them regularly and the IL didn't accidentally favour their kids, our relationship would be fine. I think BIL is a sweetie and SIL can be lovely.

Not saying this is true in your case. Just making a point about how relationships can change and derail over time.

my only comment about maternity leave is what i did i would see how it goes and i was right i could not return to work after a few weeks my cousin did she is very career oriented i suppose that put me off hearing about her little book the childminder gave her about how her child took her first steps that day and sometimes a pic to go with it potty training was done there everything was done there i mean the child has grown up fine i always thought i should be the one to raise my kids not work 12 hours a day but its me and my opinion a few of my friends are the same as me a few are not we don't argue and mock horror like your sil does!

i would say nothing a problem is only worth sorting if you see it all the time

I've been musing about this thread, on and off, for a while. I think it's because DH and I are the ones who have moved away, so it does resonate (though DH moved away from university, where I met him, so not quite the same).

Daenerys you keep countering people's comments about suffocation by pointing out you've only seen your DB & SIL twice in two years. But it's clear you don't think that's enough, hence people's comments!

A couple of other people have said that for them, it was lots of little incidents rather than one big thing. So your SIL might have enjoyed being part of a big, friendly, extended family at part - such a contrast to her family. And she makes an effort, because she's the new partner, and becomes friendly with you and it's all going nicely.

Fast forward a few years, and the novelty of being a part of an extended family has started to wear off. Perhaps it's clear that despite everything, she's still an outsider; perhaps she's finding her in-laws just that bit too intrusive into her lives - how many threads have there been where people complain about parents/ inlaws commenting on every aspect of their lives? Then she and your DB decide to have children, and she realises that her children will grow up as part of her hudband's family only - where are her family traditions, her family memories? It's all big gatherings and Xmas Day at the PILs, and she can't refuse to go because then there'll be the guilt - why don't you want to spend time with us, when you're just around the corner? So they decide to move back to her hometown to have some of her family history and memories, and perhaps she'll be less irritated with the inlaws (who are perfectly nice) with a bit of distance. But's there's probably a bit of resentment about taking 'beloved DB and his lovely children away', and she thinks she just can't win.

I'm not saying your family have been nasty, just that relentless comments of 'it's s shame we don't see you more' can really get too much after a while.

But we won't know unless you ask her!

Sigh.

Should be "a big, friendly, extended family at first" and husband, not hudband!