SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

Mostly introverts look like extroverts. They're just trying extra hard and sometimes its too much. Lots of acquaintances but no one too close.

Maybe.

Lots of posters projecting their own family issues onto the OP's!

OP - think you are getting quite a hard time. I think your SIL was rude and prickly. But I probably wouldn't stress over trying to pursue it or fix things. I'd just always behave in a decent fashion towards her, and ignore her rudeness, however it presents itself. You will find out one day what the issue is in all likelihood.

I think the 'hard to mend bridges' thing is overdramatic really. I agree with Ronald and I do think you seem a bit intense. Apart from being a bit prickly at your last visit I dont see what SIL has done wrong. Perhaps she has just genuinely been busy over the years.

I've read the thread in bits so sorry if I've missed this further up but could it be that SIL and DB have been TTC for some time? I see you mentioned you are pregnant and maybe this has affected her very deeply hence the unpleasant behaviour at the last visit and the gradual withdrawing.

Quite MissMalonex.

Why is everyone making stuff up? Don't you believe the OP?

They were good mates, they saw a lot of each other. The SIL disappeared for no reason and is rude when about.

Er, that's it.

schlurple really? You think it is normal, or acceptable that for every event in the past 2 years (all birthdays, including childrens, get togethers, lunches, dinners etc) she's been busy? Okay.

Fly no, they aren't TTC, DVB had a vasectomy 4 years ago so they wouldn't have any more.

i am flipflopping about

Reading some posts I think the SIL is just being rude and prickly for the sake of it, and then next thing the OP seems very organise-y and in charge and I feel a bit sorry for the SIL

Maybe she feels a bit lost since she has no family apart from her husband and children and feels this massive dynasty is all a bit of a challenge and she can't turn around without being auntied/cousined/sil'd

or maybe she is just being ridiculous and prickly to feel sorry for herself

I still can't decide.

It sounds to me like this is a thread where it's impossible to give constructive advice because we don't have the SILs point of view. The fact she seems to have broken off the friendship and is distancing herself makes it seem to me like the OP and her family have done something which has upset her. The OP either doesn't know or doesn't want to say what it is so it's hard to guess.

It's only a guess but I suspect from the resenment of their family time on Sunday, wanting to see him once a month and the mother getting upset that they're not seeing him as much as he wants; I think from the SILs point of view it might be very overbearing in laws who give the feeling that they are the important core group in the family and see the SIL as a secondary appendage. There doesn't seem to be much acknowledgement on the part of the OP and her family that her brother is now an adult with his own family who has every right to prioritize time with his wife and children to time with his parents and sister.

If the SIL has never really had a family of her own it may be very important to her to build her own family unit. If she feels like her own family unit is belittled and sidelined in favour of the unit which her in laws view as more important (their own), then I can see why she is frustrated.

The holiday sounds like she might have declined it because it was all about her kids being part of your family again. I wonder if she feels like her kids are being taken over and she is sidelined? I think you might make her feel like her husband and children belong to you and your parents and not her. Your parents planning a holiday without consulting them or asking permission would certainly give that impression.

The whole boozy lunches regularly and things sounds a bit much too. I think she just wants a bit of space and doesn't want to constantly feel like she has to be part of a group and sometimes wants her family to have space on their own to be together as their family, not just as part of an extended family that she may well feel she isn't really part of.

Also the things she said may have been a bit prickly but to respond to them by saying you 'never want to see her again' is a huge overeaction. You do that when someone punches you or steals something off you, not if they make a couple of tactless remarks.

I think the OP worrying and fretting over this and seeing it as a huge problem called by the SIL is just compounding the problem by again rejecting her need for space.

TBH I think she's probably just wishing she didn't have her in laws in her face all the time.

You sound incredibly intense. Maybe she wants to concentrate on her own immediate family unit for once, rather than have the "24 for Christmas dinner is bloody brilliant" attitude rammed down her throat.

I disagree, I don't think OP sounds intense. She's just answering Qs on a thread.

Not sure if this has been suggested but are you sure your DB and SILs marriage is ok? Could she be missing family events etc because there's something going on there? Maybe one of then had an affair, or they've spilt up/had a break but for some reason want to keep up the pretence they're still a happy couple?

It's a strange one

Just bloody ask her and have done.

Jeez, this thread is really annoying. Ronald must surely win today's award for most sanctimonious, repetitive, judgemental bullshit posts. "It is clear that you cannot put yourself in your SIL's shoes" - it is clear you're projecting some massive issues of your own. Repeatedly. Patronisingly. And again.

OP - no idea why you're being called "intense" so frequently, maybe it's the new "entitled"? Good luck with your sister in law. You shouldn't have to flagellate yourself because once every two years there's a big Christmas get-together or you quite like gender neutral toys. I fail to see where the naysayers are finding evidence of your absolute heinousness.

Something must have happened to upset her. It might be something that would justify her distancing herself from the family, or it might be something trivial that she's blown out of proportion in her own head. But something has happened.

Most people don't go from being a happy and sociable part of the family, attending boozy lunches with SILs and sending children off on holiday with PILs, to an antisocial, present-refusing nightmare, without any trigger whatsoever.

So you can either sit her down and try to get to the bottom of it, or you can write off the relationship. But I wouldn't be inclined to assume this is some sudden and irrational hatred of you. You say 'nothing's happened' but you can't possibly know that, unless you've overseen every single interaction she's ever had with any family member.

Although, having said that, I think you can reach "saturation point" with minor irritations.

I have a couple of family members who, over the course of ten years, I've gone from liking and wanting to spend time with, to finding their every utterance fundamentally annoying. No single incident - just drip, drip, drip with some low-level selfish/rude behaviour.

stopbeingsilly
stop being silly
stop being silly
stop being silly

Fatima possibly. I don't think so, but then no one really knows what goes on in others relationships. So yes, that's a possibility.

SeaSick I get what you are saying, but really it was maybe, 6 times a year? Maybe a little more often. That is how often we would go out and do things. Is that really so intense that you'd need to just stop?

Er yes Daenerys I do think it is normal to be busy even when special events occur. Its a part of life, sometimes you cant reschedule.

Just ask her outright once and for all and get it over with instead of having a strop because she isnt acceptably sociable with your family.

I had a drink with an old friend recently. She was updating me on her brother's new partner who she originally wasn't too keen on. They are a close family and do lots of stuff together, the grandmother's lovely but quite the matriarch. She is now getting on with brother's new partner now that she has accepted doing things the families way and and has settled more to their routine and way of doing things, not ruffling so many feathers by rocking the boat.

I think this might be faintly normal and many families don't even realise they do this and make expectations or expect people just to fall in line - and sometimes we are happy to fall in line and all is well - and sometimes we don't.

Maybe there is a little bit of that here. And like someone else said - sometimes just o'er time we change our mind about people and start to lock horns, even when we have known them for a while and everything. Used to be rosy.

I agree with SeaSickSal - it does sound as though there is an unspoken expectation that your family (your parents, you, and DB) are the 'core' family and more important than the individual family units. I can see that this could be very annoying for your SIL, especially given that she has no family of your own.

You say that there were six or so 'family events' per year that SIL has missed - you think this is a normal amount, but to me that is too many events to be expected to attend, especially when DB & SIL live 300 miles away! DH and I saw his parents three times last year (christening, FIL's 65th, and they visited us in Dec), and this year he's visiting them on his own in March, we'll visit sometime in the summer, there's a family wedding in the autumn, and we'll spend Xmas with them. That seems a normal level to me.

DH and I have to deal with ridiculous feuding SILs (his brother's partners don't get on), and I must admit this has lowered my opinion of them. However, I do make an effort to be polite and civil when we do see them, and I do agree that whatever her reasons, SIL should make more of an effort. But your 'hard to mend bridges' comment is a bit over-dramatic!

I found your story quite chilling cobaltcow - I wouldn't want to marry into that family!

This thread has been playing on my mind!first of all because your pregnant op and I was very sensitive throughout my pgs so I would say don't bring anything up at the mo. Second because I find my dhs sister an absolute headfuck and I have realised over the years that I am not really their family and will never be treated as such but I am expected to put them first etc. I have massively distanced myself and feel much better for it. When I see sil it's always a bit tense for me.
Not sure if this is relevant but your thread certainly struck a chord on both sides for me.

I think some people here are reading a different thread to the one I'm reading. OP, you have asked repeatedly if anything is wrong, I suggest it's time to ask what is wrong. As in "We used to be good friends but you seem to be unwilling to spend any time with me/our family. Why have you become so distant? What have we done to hurt you?"

Don't be fobbed off with "nothing" If you get that answer stress that something is different between you and give the examples you have here. You could even put it in " it seems petty to complain about this, I might be being over-sensitive but these things stack up and I would like to know whether I am being silly"

I hope you get some answers! Try SIL first, then pin down DB. You're his sister, you know how to worm information out of him...

I have been thinking about this too and I may have been a bit too harsh but I know what it's like feeling like an outsider in a family.
Thing is I am of the opinion that you just let it lie now. You have asked and they won't tell you. Maybe because the simple answer is that she just finds your family all very annoying and/or difficult (though I'm sure you're not).

Neither her nor your DB can actually say that because all hell would break loose and there is no going back so she has chosen just to distance herself. Maybe she will come round in the future.

Just speak to her op!

All this speculation will give you no answers.

If you really used to be good friends then go down and see her and talk to her privately. If you get nothing back at least you've tried; if you do find out answers it gives you something to work on.

All the best. :)