SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

Perhaps that is the reason distanced herself from her in laws? You obviously have no idea how horrible and toxic it is to see your kids being treated as second best by their grandparents.

I do - we have the same issue with the other set of PIL's! I certainly am not rude to DBIL and DSIL about it - it isn't their fault.

I don't think I would ever laugh at someone regarding their views. And I certainly wouldn't do it to someone who was 7 months pregnant, in relation to things they had bought their baby.

Ronald, are you the sister in law??

"And, it's definitely affected my relationship with DB. We are nowhere near as close as we used to be."

Well he's married with kids now!

diddl yes, he is.. but for the first 5 years of him being married with children, we were still really close. Spoke all the time, went out together, saw each other a lot.

We don't really do much of that now.

Hard to tell as it is all from your perspective obviously. Maybe she feels your stance of gender neutral toys etc (is this your first child) is a bit idealised and even having a dig at how she has brought up her kids, maybe she thinks you think she is foolish.

They live 300 miles away and have several kids spit gets complicated making lots of trips. I'm 400 miles away from family, when the first baby came along I used to visit home all the time - now several kids later and it's such a hassle and costly and stressful. We only go home to visit once or twice a year. Always us usually doing the visiting and then often they can't really be bothered once you have made the effort.

There can always be two sides to every story - wonder what hers would be.

She visits she annoys you, she doesn't visit she annoys you. Maybe it is for the best she keeps her distance.

No, this isn't my first child.

There's nothing 'idealised' about campaigning for gender neutrality, surely people don't think like that?

They have 2 children, I don't think that makes the journey complicated. We manage just fine - we all fit in the car.

I do wonder what her story is, as I would love to know why she has distanced herself from me so much. I think we are just very different people and she obviously doesn't want to spend time with me.

My issue is that this affects how often I see their children (and subsequently the cousins relationship).

Cobain She has annoyed and upset me, yes. And it upsets me that she doesn't visit, yes.

With regards to the closeness of the grandparents with the DC; my kids are closer with my mum than they are with DHs mum. The reason for this is that we don't spend as much time with them. There's nothing unkind in the fact that MIL knows SILs son better than she knows my DC. We keep our family at a slight distance from MIL, for our own sanity.

It sounds like the SIL here just doesn't want to make the effort with the OPs family which is a shame, but if she's being so rude its maybe for the best. You can't make someone like you. Sitting with her coat on and repeating " we really must be going" sounds particularly rude.

" but for the first 5 years of him being married with children, we were still really close. Spoke all the time, went out together, saw each other a lot."

So what's changed?

Was sil ever included or let to look after the kids?

Also, I get that you are closer to your parents, but hiow does that mean your kids are closer to your parents?

Is it because everyone is busy in the week and that only leaves weekends or has she never been invited without your brother?

I meant to add that I'm sorry its affecting your relationship with your DB. Could you try to rekindle that by spending some time together, just the two of you?

I think that often we get ourselves worked up about things that are important and close to the heart of us.
The problem is that the other person in the equation could think that our thing of importance is the smallest, least important thing in the world. They can be offhand or even, in your opinion, rude about your important thing.
Obviously this can cause problems.

Accepting that things that are important to you might not be important to others will really help.
The way you might communicate is also not the way others might communicate and it would be good if you bear that in mind also.

Examining if you are sometimes touchy and rude will probably also help when considering this and other issues.
Trying to see things from another person's point of view will help

Something has broken down in your relationship with your SIL

You haven't discussed that relationship breakdown and yet you say that it upsets you and affects your relationship with your brother and nephews. That seems to be an odd situation to me - however that is my view on familial relationships

I think that you cannot expect your SIL to respect and agree with all or any of your decisions and viewpoints. If she is being antagonistic and rude and you have thought through the above points then perhaps speak with her.
As I have said this might involve you having to hear some things that you may have to spend time processing.
Relationship breakdown is usually a game of two halves.

Your parents are closer to your kids? By your own admission in the op.

Suspect this is the crux of the problem tbh.

No, I'm all for gender neutrality in toys, clothes and activities but some folk can bang on a bit about this kind of thing (not saying that's you OP) and seem critical and patronising to those who go for a more gender stereotypical approach, sometimes it's the kids anyway who choose the gender stereotype rather than the parents.

diddl

I'm not sure what's changed. Nothing, as far as I am concerned, but she just started saying they couldn't make it to things and it escalated into never being able to make it.

She was never left to look after the DC. We used to go out as a foursome often (DM and DF would take the children), or we would go out as a family.

I used to go out with her (and other SIL) once every 3 months or so for a boozy lunch and wine. The men had the children. She stopped coming to that too.

Our DC are closer to our parents because we are closer to them - as in, we see them very often (at least every week) so they spend more time with them.

Some people are plain mad and/or nasty

nothing to be done about them

norma it might well be, but why would she be stopping seeing me because of this?

First, she knows that my parents spend more time with us/our DC because we live less than 5 minutes from them, and they live 300 miles away.

She can't blame me/us for this, surely? That's ridiculous.

cobalt I literally never go on about it. I've actually never had a conversation with her about it, ever.

But they live 300 miles away - would be difficult to see a lot of each other.

Op, I'm not saying you are wrong, I also have had issues with family since having the kids. It can be all quite stressful and hurtful. Maybe you could just have a heart to heart with her and see if you can clear up any bad feelings.

Do your parents treat the grandkids differently?

The resentment that can breed when someone treats your kids unfavourably is ferocious.

I do - we have the same issue with the other set of PIL's! I certainly am not rude to DBIL and DSIL about it - it isn't their fault.

So could you support them about it with your parents?

She didn't take her coat off the whole time, and said 'we need to get going' about 6 times.

Well that's just plain rude. I presume your house isn't ridiculously cold and she doesn't have any health issues that would cause her to feel the cold? If a guest did that to me on a scheduled visit with no reason to behave like that, I would be very .

It does sound like she has an issue with your family, in fact issues in general. However (without knowing otherwise, of course), it's not your fault. The best thing you can do is let it go and let your DB know that you're always enjoy seeing him and his family. Rise above it. It says far more about her than it does about you.

OP - my siblings live 5 mins from all the family (we are the only ones to have moved out of our small town) and all their children grew up seeing the GP's and family all the time. Birthdays and Christmas, Easter etc. It is our choice to live away and I accept that but it hurts to know that my kids have not had the same relationship that the other GC had. Quite a lot of issues and resentment have arisen - people are only human and sometimes can't help feeling what they feel even if they can rationalise it at times. Family dynamics can be tough.

Scrambled no, the house was roasting. I had to take my jumper off.

I think you are right. I need to forget about it. It's sad, and I wish things were different but if this is how she wants to behave, I can't change that.

NannyOgg I don't understand your question?

I also think she is jealous.
Does she have a good relationship with her own mother, do you know?
Her criticisms of everything you mentioned could be down to her wanting to find fault, because she hates that you are closer to your mother etc.
Moving further away from your family would make sense in this context - she may feel that she can't compete with you, the daughter, so she's going to bow out of the "competition" by taking your brother and their children away.
But every time she sees you, she is reminded of her feelings.

This is pure conjecture, she might be fine with her own mother! But it's also a possible scenario. And if it is the case, then there is absolutely nothing you can do to change it, because you can't ever not be your parents' daughter, and she knows it.

Her own mother died when she was little.

The moving away thing, they moved to the place she is from. So really, DB moved to live with her (though they sold her house and bought their current house) in her home town, he made that decision. She didn't 'take them away'. DB seems to be very happy there (it's been 8 years).