SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

Down I have already answered that - maybe she doesn't like me, suddenly, but seems odd that she used to have such a great relationship with me, and my parents and our extended family. And suddenly, she is being off with everyone.

There are 24 people present at Christmas Day. She didn't really talk to anyone. It isn't just me.

Another possibility is that she maybe has developed mental health issues. But that's a bit of a chestnut on here, so I will probably get shouted down for it.

I am expecting my first and sticking to my guns about buying gender neutral. There have been a few raised eyebrows I expect but no one has been rude to my face.

She sounds very silly in that respect. With regards to your family it could be sour grapes that her parents are no longer there. It could be that her family's dynamics are just different. I know mine and my DHs are and it took a lot of getting used to.

And finally there is no excuse for rudeness.

24 people on CD?

Sounds awful to me!

I guess she's just had enough of all her ILs & can't be bothered to hide it!

There are serious issues if the SIL refused a gift for her child from the child's grandparents

Also
Why would your SIL harbour a resentment that you are close to your own parents?
She might feel loss for her own mother and it might pain her to see you with your mother but resentment??
Maybe you could try to look at things from another perspective?

I wonder if it's something your parents have said.

I have been with DH for 23 years, married for 16 - we only have one child who is 5. My SIL is a bit younger than DH and also has one child who is 2. I spent years having to listen to PIL's going on about how brilliant SIL was (she isn't) and favouring her over DH. It was at the most irritating but didn't really bother me.

When SIL's child came along and they started with the next generation it became unbearable. In our case SIL encouraged it but the tone was very clear - that I and my child were outsiders and not important as their DD's child. I ended up stepping away from them for a while because it was beyond hurtful.

Thing is I doubt they would even recognise the fact they were doing it. It was so engrained. The constant drivelling on about SIL and her child and the endless things they were doing for her. Telling me, in a round about fashion, how much better they were at child rearing than us. They didn't see it was unfair. They couldn't work out why on earth I didn't want to see them.

So it could well be something your parents have done and her answer to feeling that she was at the bottom of the heap was to pull away from the whole family.
So it might not be your fault but she may well feel totally scunnered by tales of you and yours.

In fact, they bought a VERY generous gift for all 4 GC's for christmas. SIL declined it for DN's.

Then it's not YOU. Its the family thing she is struggling with. perhaps the loss of her mother means that she feels 'outside' no matter what your family tries to do to include her.

Maybe she is depressed. Have YOU called HER directly to ask her if she's OK and then if told yes brought up that you notice her frostiness toward you?

If it was the SIL posting, we'd be saying " life is too short. If you really dislike them, stay away"...

I've no idea what's happened and it's a shame, but maybe you all get a bit too intense?

I'd absolutely hate 24 for Cd. You are only related by marriage and maybe she'd like to have Christmas just with her own (immediate) family?

diddl oh no, it isn't awful at all! It is wonderful. My parents have a huge house so plenty of space for everyone too. Their dining table seats 30

Maybe she has had enough of us all. That's fine. I find it very sad. We are their only family, she has none.

Ronald yes, my parents offered the same gift to all the children. She declined the offer.

Yes, but who are these people to her?

And does it happen every year?

It is starting to sound as if you are all too full on.

Family isn't thought of with the same importance by everyone.

Hissy countless times, though not for over 2 years. I asked and asked and she insisted nothing was wrong and she was just busy. She doesn't really answer my calls anymore..

Her mother dies when she was tiny, I am sure it is very, very hard for her (we've talked about it a lot) but I don't think, from what she has said in the past, that it is something that would suddenly manifest so extremely. I could be wrong, of course.

Down I don't think we are intense as a family, in fact I find DH's family much more intense. But then, she has no family so maybe the intensity is there for her. If this is the case, I am not sure how it explains not seeing us for over a year. And being rude when she does.

Diddl These people are her family, by marriage.

They are her childrens aunts, uncles, cousins.

And we do it every other year, not every year. The alternate years everyone goes to the partners family side.

We are a distance away, kids all have sports at the weekend. It can be quite hard to arrange family visits. Unless you have been in the position of living away and visiting family and how stressful it can be, you might not understand. I often can't be bothered to visit my family now and resentment and some bad feeling has arisen. I turned up at my brother's house recently (though unannounced) with the kids. We hadn't seen them for a while and had travelled 400 miles.
We were kept on the doorstep, me and the kids and told it wasn't convenient.

Sounds like you have nothing to lose by sending her a letter telling her you are sad about the situation and is there anything wrong.

Again

just because something is wonderful for you doesn't mean that it is wonderful for someone else

I honestly question how often you have all considered your SIL's feelings. Maybe she is more caustic because she is trampled over by the massive 'family' she has married into.

I'm sure she would consider that she has family of her own...

The 24 are:

Me, DH, DS
Parents
Aunt and Uncle 1
Cousin 1 + DH and 2 children
Cousin 2 + DW and 2 children
Cousin 3
Aunt 2
Cousin 4 + DW and 1 child
DB, DSIL + 2 children

What was the generous gift? It sounds like your SIL is rejecting the whole "Brady Bunch" family thing. I have a huge family and I know at Christmas when one DIL was staying she found the whole mass of people and screaming kids lost in a sea of wrapping paper overwhelming.

I understood and encouraged her to take time out and she appreciated it when we talked quietly after the mayhem. I just thinking if the present related to the children doing something together where she would need to be involved there might be a perception of forcing the family thing.

People are sometimes shy and cannot enjoy the same sort of family get togethers and maybe as she lost her mother early she sees motherhood differently and that why she was surprised about your maternity plans.

So, not really her family!

Does she have any family of her own that she sees?

My bil also has no family. His mum and dad died quite young, his brother a waste of space. He finds it quite difficult at times at Christmas etc as it all about our family.he is fond of us all but he really struggles at times.

cobalt but we do! We live over 100 miles away from DH parents and a further 50 from his DB and family.

We see them as often as we can, maybe once every other month? Certainly more than once a year

Maybe a letter is a good idea? I can only try.

Ronald you know what? Maybe you are right. Maybe she hates family christmas (and played a good pretending game for the first 5 years). But,the children bloody love it, as does DB. So, she should bite the bullet every other year. I would.

I do consider her feelings, we used to be good friends. We talked a lot about her life and her feelings. A lot. I was always very considerate. I really was.

And believe me, she wouldn't consider that she has family of her own. She doesn't. Her parents are both dead, no siblings, no aunts or uncles. She only ever had one grandfather, who died 20 years ago.

diddl no, she has no family of her own.

annie I would totally accept that, if she had been like that from the start. But the first 5 years were just fine?

The generous gift didn't involve her, at all. She would have had no involvement.

I don't know why some people are trying to say it's you- you sound like you are the same as always but she just doesn't want to be friends any more. This is very sad, but I think you need to let it go and stop looking for answers. I don't think, even if you got them, they would be logical and solvable, these things are often very emotional and run deep. Don't write her a letter, she is not obliged to be friends or give you an account of why this has changed.

It is ok to be sad though if you lose what you thought was a good friend and if it changes the family dynamic for the worse.

OP I wish you all the best.

However, you are coming across (just my opinion) as both intense and unable to let things go (see the break down of exactly which of your family members were at the lunch), always needing to be right.

I'm bowing out now as we're going round in circles and I can, cos this is only an Internet forum. Maybe your SIL feels the same way. In RL these things take longer.

Sounds like some really good advice coming from diddl and Ronald. Really might be worth reflecting on what they have said.

Good luck.

Sorry - to elaborate, none of the 'parents' have any involvement in the gift.

I'll just explain (am going to have to NC after this anyway, I think.. too much info)

My parents offered to take the children away on holiday for a week. SIL declined on behalf of her children. (GP's got them bikes instead, so they didn't lose out).

So as not to drip feed... parents have taken the children away on holiday before, so that isn't the problem. More than once, if it matters.
SIL and DB are going on holiday again this year, just the two of them, for twice as long as the trip was planned for so being without the children isn't the issue.
The GP do see the children regularly (they go down often or DB brings them here) so there is no issue with unfamiliarity or anything. Just, SIL is never around when they go.

She just declined. No explanation, just 'no thanks'.

My mum, in particular, was really upset. She thought she was doing a lovely thing.

Really? That's funny! I am not intense at all, just explaining the answer to the questions I have been asked.

Someone asked who the 24 people were, so I explained!

Actually, me and DB are very laid back, she's commented on this a lot!

Your brother obviously knows what's going on but isn't telling you. There's no way he would turn down a present for his kids unless there was a good reason to.
People don't change overnight unless something has happened. I bet it was something your parents said or did.