SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

OP - what you see as difference in opinions, other people can hear "your choices are wrong" - is your SIL a bit more "pink for girls, blue for boys" - because while you thought you might just be critisising a general societial gender stereotyping, she may well have heard "you are some sort of 50s throw back and a crap feminist", you going back to work after a short length of time to you is just what works for your family, she might hear "I can do it, you could do ifyou just put a bit of effort in" - some people are very prickly about other people making different parenting choices, because they see them as critisism of their choices. She would only have to hear it once to feel that way, even if you never mentioned it again.

This doesn't mean you are wrong, just that this might explain why she's got more distant.

It also could just be she doesn't like you.

If she was jealous, why so suddenly? We used to get on great, actual friends. We would go out together, talk on the phone once or twice a week, and suddenly, she stopped.

Honestly, i've been over and over it a hundred times, nothing happened. Nothing changed. Not specifically relating to me, anyway.

I'm still saying she's jealous then - jealous of the relationship you have with your mother/parents, and maybe that jealousy has eaten away at her until she just can't stand to be around you. If you're not a jealous type, you won't understand that - but it can happen.

How suddenly after either of you having children did it stop? I'm betting the children have a large impact on this situation too.

If your parents favour your children (and I don't see proximity as an excuse), which you understand hurts because of your own situation with your ILs, can you not intervene with your parents?

Alternatively, can you not ask her what her problem is rather than guessing?

Mary possibly. She isn't really 'pink for girls', they have boys and they have dolls, kitchen, etc for them to play with. So I don't think so?

I may well have offended her, inadvertently, though the way she belittles and laughs at my feelings suggests she has very little time or respect for my way of thinking anyway, so I would be surprised if I had upset her to this degree over it.

Possibly she just doesn't like me. I can't think why she would have suddenly decided she didn't like me any more though, one day a few years ago. Everything was fine up until then.

Nanny my parents do not favour my children, they are just closer as we see them a lot more often. Proximity is entirely an excuse we are physically closer so we can pop round for half an hour, and do. Often.

They love their DC too, and are always trying to get them to come and stay/trying to arrange to go down to visit them.

Thumb My eldest was already born when DB and SIL met. They were together for 2 years before having children. Everything was fine until about 3 years ago. Youngest child is 5. So, doesn't seem to be related to their births of any children.

Maybe it all just got to much for her, regular arrangements to see her ILs?

I know what you mean about your children.

My parents used to come & see me & the children in the week, staying to say a quick hello to husband when he got in.

ILs would never do this-had to visit when husband would be there for the whole visit.
So they saw us less as neither of us wanted to see them every weekend.

You are quite a distance away & she probably just doesn't want to give up too many weekends on visiting her ILs.

I know of a bloke who is twice divorced because his family are very important to him, but he couldn't grasp that his wives would appreciate it being a bit a bit less full on!

Maybe it is not about you -perhaps she is unhappy and being generally negative and reluctant to go out? Or her marriage could be in a rocky patch and she is pulling back from her dh's family.

Maybe. But I don't think 3 or 4 times a year would be unreasonable?

She didn't see my family, at all, for over a year. She went out whenever any of us went down there. She wouldn't come when they came here, she was always 'busy'. Finally, we managed to see her at Christmas but you could see she didn't want to be there.

Holey I don't think so - they seem perfectly happy and they go out together a lot, and are going on a holiday later in the year just the two of them.

She goes out a lot with her friends. It's all over facebook.

It just sounds to me that she doesn't get on with you - for whatever reason- and she has decided that she will reduce the amount of time she spends with you - I think this is reasonable tbh- you still see your brother and the children; she hasn't created a rift she has just withdrawn. But I can't work out why you are worried - you don't seem to get on with her either-.
Nothing she said would warrant getting so wound up about in itself to be honest - if you liked her. the maternity leave comment is just her opinion - she could have been non -committal about it but it doesn't sounds like she said that you were wrong too just thta she was surprised.
The gender stuff- didn't sounds much of anything tbh-if you were campaigning etc - you are obviosuly quite ardent/proactive in this - so her comments don't seem that unreasonable

If she's like this with all of your family, not just you, then maybe it wasn't you who "upset" her in the first place, but someone else - but she is assuming that you would take their side, so hasn't even attempted to explain.

For whatever reason, she has clearly decided she doesn't need your family in her life, which is sad but again, there's really nothing you can do about it that you aren't already doing.

tom I assume you must be right, she's taken some dislike to me. I will probably never know why.

And I do still see DB and the children, but sadly nowhere near as much as we used to/I would like. So it is causing a rift. My parents feel the same way, they miss the children.

I wasn't wound up, I was upset. She openly criticised my situation re maternity leave, fair enough she didn't say 'I think you are in the wrong' but the implication was, quite heavily, that. She overly reacted to my answer to her question, and then made quite a fuss about it.

And the gender stuff. I am all for people having their own opinions, and I don't expect that she should share mine. But I don't think she should laugh and belittle mine either.

If you don't see your brother & the children as often as you used to, that's not necessarily her fault.

And how is it causing a rift?

Is your brother happy with the way things are?

Maybe you give her a cramp and she can't be arsed being in your company anymore?
Perhaps as you have aged your opinions have changed and you no longer fall into a category of someone she can be bothered to spend time with?
Perhaps she finds your campaigning strident and dull?
Maybe you have hugely offended her?
Perhaps she feels that you trample all over anyone else's opinions and she cannot bear you?
Maybe she has social anxiety now?
Maybe she is depressed?
Maybe she hasn't even noticed and is just involved in her life 300 miles away and you are bottom of her list of priorities.
Maybe your brother should make more of an effort?

Maybe maybe maybe

Unfortunately all you can change is your reaction to and processing of the situation.
Unless you speak to her, with an ability to listen also, nothing will change.
Even then maybe nothing will change

Have your parents asked her or your DB what the matter is? It seems obvious that someone or something has upset her.

diddl It is, I have countless times made plans with DB only for him to say later that actually, they can't because she is out, or she just plain doesn't want to.

I don't think he is happy about it, but she is his wife and he loves her.

Ronald I wonder if you are SIL too?
Perhaps I give her a cramp
I have never once spoken to her about my campaigning
I cant think of an ocassion where I may have offended her, but this is possible, of course.
I definitely don't trample all over anyone else's opinions, this is not me
She certainly doesn't have any social anxiety with others. She is very outgoing and often makes new friends
Possibly she is depressed, though why this would manifest solely in dealings with me and our family is odd
How terribly sad that her only SIL and her only nephew/niece (not to mention her own childrens only GP's) would be bottom of her list of priorities? If this is the case, I would be devastated.

We've all asked DB and he keeps saying nothing is wrong. It is odd, and we don't know what to do.

It's really, really upset my mum over the past couple of years.

This was the first time where she has been openly rude to me. Though this could be because we haven't seen much of her.

"diddl It is, I have countless times made plans with DB only for him to say later that actually, they can't because she is out, or she just plain doesn't want to."

But how does that stop him from seeing you if he wanted to?

Well, it doesn't essentially. And sometimes he still comes up. But often we make plans, and then he calls the next day to cancel them as actually she has said they/he can't for whatever reason.

I do not think it is a dislike in you, she has extracted herself from her DH side of the family the reason she knows and maybe your DB knows. I do disagree with closeness of GC, I have a niece and nephew in the US, I make a huge effort to remain in their lives, I do not see them in same way as I see my other nieces and nephews but I phone, Skype, email and send little gifts to compensate the cinema trips and other treats they would receive if I saw them regularly. If she does not want to communicate there is little you can do, her problem could be serious or pathetic but until she or DB speaks all you can do is try to have the best relationship with DB and his children.

cobain that is true, I guess I will just have to muddle through and get on with it.

To clarify the closeness with GP's thing - my parents are absolutely closer to mine that theirs, because they see mine twice a week, sometimes more. They know more about the day to day life than with DN's. They do phone often, and they certainly don't favour one set over the other when it comes to gifts or anything.

In fact, they bought a VERY generous gift for all 4 GC's for christmas. SIL declined it for DN's.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but maybe she just doesn't like you very much and so it seems a drag to have to come and visit? I'm sure you are a lovely person, but no one likes everyone.

It would be lovely if you could all be one big family, but as long as you see your brother/ nephews & your parents see them, does it really matter if SIL doesn't want to play with you all too?

How often do you visit her and your DB? How often do your parents visit?

Does your DB need your SIL to be there to come and visit you and your parents? Perhaps he uses her as an excuse?
It is interesting to see how often familial relationship break down is blamed upon the in law. Easier to blame the outsider than examine the family or themselves perhaps? Something for you to consider perhaps?

Maybe your SIL hates the way that you all treat your DB? Could be the case..?

How has this all occurred with no one speaking to the previously close SIL about it?

BTW it still doesn't sound to me as though she was rude. She simply disagreed with your opinions and ideas. She may not have voiced it in a way that you wanted to experience it but rude sounds like a stretch to me.
Have you considered that you might be a little touchy?

If you are interested in improving the situation - as you say you are - make time to go and see your SIL and speak with her.
You seem reluctant to do this...I would examine this reluctance