SIL issue..

[DaenerysTargaryensDragonBaby]

My DB and SIL came to visit us yesterday. We don't see much of them anymore, as they live 300 miles away.

SIL was annoying me, and I feel really upset about it today.

First she commented on my maternity leave plans (currently 31 weeks pg) and was shocked at how little time I am taking off. She was quite bare faced about it; open mouth, 'oh my goodness' type comments.

Then, she remarked on some of the items we have in the nursery. We don't know the gender of the baby, so we have things that are blue, pink, green, white.. all sorts. She kept picking things up and saying 'this will be wasted if it's a boy/girl then' and such. I said, as it is a baby it won't know the difference, and she just laughed at me and said 'oh I forgot you have that whole gender thing going on' (I have done campaign work for let toys be toys).

She was then just irritating me the whole time, probably because I was annoyed anyway... so probably irrationally.

When they left, I was a bit pissed off and spoke to DH about it, and then forgot it. But I have woken up today really upset about the whole situation.

So as not to drip feed.. we have a bit of a strange relationship anyway. We used to be quite close, but a couple of years ago she decided to distance herself from us (and my parents) and we barely, barely see her. In fact, this was the first time since Christmas, and Christmas was the first time since last April that we had seen her. My brother brings their DC's up often. SIL harbours resentment that I am close with my parents (and subsequently, they are closer to my DC than hers) and she seems to have an issue with me generally. I am not sure why, and DB always says nothing is wrong when asked.

AIBU to be so upset today? Should I do anything, or just let it go?

diddl it was an offer for their christmas gift, so it happened in December at some point, I can't remember when exactly.

My parents offered to take all the children to the south of france for a week.

At first my DB was really delighted and said thanks so much, that would be great etc, but wanted to check with SIL. She then text my mum to say no.

Maybe wasn't ungrateful to refuse. I guess this is her choice. She could have been more gracious however.

Leaving aside how SIL behaved during the recent visit, I think you might have severely underestimated how difficult it is to cope with large family gatherings when your own family is small non-existent. The first time I met my DH's extended family (on MIL's side) was at his grandparents golden wedding anniversary, and I felt completely overwhelmed by the number of his cousins, great-aunts & uncles, MIL's cousins and their children, etc.

I was used to much smaller gatherings as my grandparents had died when I was younger, I only had one aunt & uncle and two cousins in the UK, and rarely saw the remaining great-aunts and uncles. It was a real culture shock!

The idea of spending Xmas Day with 24 people also makes me shudder a little - it's quite different to being sociable with a large group of friends. Your SIL may find it very hard to be part of this big family group when she has no family other than her DH & DC.

Regarding the visits, you mention that you see your PIL about once a month and they live 100 miles away, but your DB & SIL live 300 miles away - that's quite a distance! It's a long drive to be done in one day - when you include getting up early, having to think about practical stuff like when to stop for food, the cost of petrol, it's not as simple as just 'putting the kids in the car'.

As your DB often visits on his own with the children, is it really a problem?

She's a rude arse.

Whatever her reasons/issues etc.

Just plain rude.

And not thinking about her own kids or anyone but her self.

Hully That sounds good. That is the way I would speak to her, actually, because we were good friends, for years.

I'm torn now about whether to talk to her, or just let her be and make plans around her (as in, assume she won't want to be involved).

I have tried loads of times to ask what is wrong. She always says nothing. She always says she is busy, but things have started getting worse. We've seen her twice in almost 2 years.

I don't think you sound unreasonable, or intense at all!

I fail to see how being open-mouthed about someone's maternity leave plans or making the 'gender thing' comment can be construed as anything other than rude.

I think Hully's summation is correct. She's just a rude arse. No matter what her issues with you or your parents she is not entitled to speak to you in that way.

Ellie I know 300 miles is a long distance - we visit them too! It takes about 4/4.5 hours. We don't factor in food stops - we go after breakfast, usually, though I appreciate they might want to do it differently.

We used to always stay with them or they would stay here if we couldn't be bothered doing both drives in one day. She's never stayed in our current house.

Another one for Ronald here; very thought-provoking.

OP, I read your first post and thought that it could be the basis for nearly every thread. People just can't seem to post or speak without 'having a pop' at somebody else's choices.

For example, your maternity leave; you're taking the right amount for YOU and presumably she would take the right amount for HER. Neither of you would be wrong in what you choose so why does it matter?

Regarding the baby stuff... your SIL is obviously a traditionalist when it comes to colours and you feel differently. Neither of you is wrong but both of you had a little swipe at the other. What's the point of it?

Families are tricky. I'm not particularly close to my SIL but I'd defend her right to choose things for her children and I'm sure she'd do the same for me. I wouldn't expect my husband or my brother to support me against all comers though. If I was being a twit I'd expect to be told that and that would include making an effort - and even more of an effort - if it were needed to keep the peace.

lying I suppose that is my issue - I am saddened that she won't make more of an effort - any effort really. And I am concerned that something must have happened as things did not used to be like this.

You are right that each others choices are just that, and should be respected, however she hasn't been respectful to mine. I certainly didn't 'have a swipe' at her regarding the baby items, but she was downright rude about it. Told me they would go to waste, and then when I said they wouldn't, and I would dress my baby in pink/blue regardless of its gender, she just laughed and made a derogatory statement about my beliefs.

She was also very, very rude about my returning to work. To the point where when I was explaining, she sat with her mouth wide open, then she said 'did you not know you can take a year off?', in a patronising tone. When I responded, she raised her eyebrows. It wasn't nice.

It could be loads of things, couldn't it? She feels you judge her for her response to family events and invites because she's uncomfortable with large family gatherings. She feels your parents favour you children over hers. She could feel that your family is too over-involved in each other's lives and wants DB to be more independent (I can see this with my PIL and DH's brothers and I'm glad DH and I live over 200 miles away).

They could be busy at weekends and resent taking the time to visit, especially when they feel they're being judged for not visiting enough.

I agree with Hully - she was rude! But you might have to accept that she no longer wants to be close to you, for whatever reason.

I think there might be something in the large family culture shock thing. I love most of my in-laws and theoretically enjoyed the Christmas day with 14-15 around the table. But my MiL found me in hiding out of the way in tears because I could cope with how much was going on.

Really, none of us can tell you. You might want to have a chat with your DB about whatever's going on with his wife you miss him and want to see him more, but in this situation she has the choice as she seems to fine your family setup uncomfortable..

One of my SILs doesn't like any of us. We're just not good enough. At least we know the reason. And you know what? None of us have done a damn thing.

True. I just don't know where she would have got the impression that she is being judged? The 'big family gatherings' literally only happen once every other christmas. I cant think of any other occasion where we have all been together, other than my DS christening (and she wasn't around then). None of the other children have been christened.

She may feel my parents don't favour her children, though I would be surprised and upset on their behalf as they really don't act that way.

And being over-involved.. maybe? I guess this could be because she has no family, that even our level of 'involvement' in each others lives seems a lot.

I understand Daenerys, I really, really do.

Could you put what your SIL says through a 'she's a bit clumsy filter'? Either that or ask her what she meant by whatever her last clumsy comment was that upset you? People often revise their statements when asked to repeat them. If she makes a comment about your beliefs then ask her to explain what she meant? That gives you time to come up with a final comment when she's explained, that gives her the message loud and clear that you know what she's up to and it's not necessary or appreciated. Call her on it when she's rude to you.

She sounds a bit chippy and perhaps that comes from insecurity. If you're confident in your choices then calmly say that those are your and your husband's choices - bright smile - and on to the next thing.

I'd really suggest you read Ronald's post again - it actually helped me a lot reading it and I haven't had a run in with SIL for ages.

... If she really, really does bother you then just smile sweetly and ignore. If pressed, tell her about the 'SIL filter' and that's the reason for your serenity. Who can argue about that? I really DO understand.

Hully she sounds like a delight.

I guess my choice is either speak to her and see if there is something we can resolve, or just let her be, and make plans without thinking of her inclusion.

It almost sounds as if she felt invisible & is now determined to be seen/heard.

You hadn't seen her for a while, then Christmas & again recently so twice in a short time.

And she is different.

Like a coping strategy!

lying 'She sounds a bit chippy ' bang on.

I like this idea. I will be on guard next time I see her (god knows when that will be!) and will respond to any statements with 'what do you mean?' and ask her to explain.

It is hard, when we say 'that's just what we've chosen to do' and it's met with an 'oh', with a raised eyebrow and an eye roll. But, I can ignore it.

I think yesterday, because I was caught off guard and I did ignore it, it has played on my mind, and upset me. I guess I know what to expect next time.

I can't understand why people are defending the SIL. I am an only child and I have two SILs, I get on with both of them and we all make sure that our DCs have a relationship, I would never come between my DH and his sisters or any of his family in fact.

OP, I would have to have it out, I would call and tell her you are upset. Could she have a friend who is influencing her I wonder.

OP - there are loads of things in your posts that are really similar to my family, even down to the big family celebrations. It is incredibly painful if you have always been a close family and that changes and it is easy to view the in-law as the problem or the wedge.

I've learned to see it (or trained myself to see it) that people have different ideas about family and that my brother, in the end, is the one responsible for his relationship with our family. My SiL wants to keep us at a distance, for whatever reason, and has grown up with a different idea of what families do. She doesn't have to totally adapt and be like us - we have to accept her.

I had always been really close to both her and my DB and I've found the whole situation really difficult, especially because my parents have been so upset. Things were awful for a while. In the end, what has helped has been to keep things friendly, but at more of a distance than before, not push it or try and force a closeness and accept the way things are.

FWIW, things have really and significantly improved recently for us. In our case, my parents' attempt to "deal" with the problem made it way worse and what helped (I think) was gentle, regular contact, being respectful of boundaries, not forcing lots of visits but making sure she and DB know that they are always welcome and part of the family and trying to adapt some of our family stuff to be more suitable (e.g. having a much smaller family Christmas one year).

Heres another side - maybe she 'thought' you two and the wider had a really great lovely relationship and she could be herself/speak openly to you. She felt accepted and thrilled with this large family.
Then one time she did just that - tease you a bit, speak plainly perhaps and you (or someone else in the family) got the hump. What is SIL doing speaking like that, she's only DN wife! and she realised actually, she is an outsider despite the outward vaneer of acceptance.

Or perhaps, like my IL's do, you just continually ask question after question after question when they see me, like the second they step into my house and it gives me the rage!!!! No chance for convesation to flow, just a one way flow of information that MIL MUST and NEEDS to know. Immediately. I need to step back sometimes, maybe she does too?

Heres another side - maybe she 'thought' you two and the wider had a really great lovely relationship and she could be herself/speak openly to you. She felt accepted and thrilled with this large family.
Then one time she did just that - tease you a bit, speak plainly perhaps and you (or someone else in the family) got the hump. What is SIL doing speaking like that, she's only DN wife! and she realised actually, she is an outsider despite the outward vaneer of acceptance.

Or perhaps, like my IL's do, you just continually ask question after question after question when they see me, like the second they step into my house and it gives me the rage!!!! No chance for convesation to flow, just a one way flow of information that MIL MUST and NEEDS to know. Immediately. I need to step back sometimes, maybe she does too?

Oops so much rage I posted twice sorry.

With bad grammar too blame the phone but I hope you get the gist.

Pixie

Nothing happened though. There was never an incident, never an issue. Honestly, we've discussed it within the family and nothing happened that anyone can possibly consider would have made her behave this extremely.

Not seeing your DH's family in over a year is odd, when you were happily (at least outwardly happily) seeing them every other month of so for 5 years.

And, we aren't like your in-laws. That would drive me mad!

If she felt she needed to step back a bit, I would completely understand. Bit for over a year we didn't see her. She was always too busy to come here, and never in when we went there. We have seen her twice in almost 2 years, and both times within the last 2 months. And neither time she made any effort.

I saw her and DB argue on Christmas day because she wasn't talking to anyone, and then tried to say they had to leave as soon as lunch was over!

I a bit like this sometimes, I don't know why. Very unskilled at small talk, hate it. Hate questions about how things are going, how's work, as i can only give one word answers as i don't want to talk about that stuff with other people. I talk about stuff like that with my husband now IYSWIM? Fine with TV, or news, or clothes, makeup, movies etc. Visits bring me out in a cold sweat. Maybe she is anxious or is struggling with something she perhaps doesn't even understand herself and was able to fake it for a few years?

Possibly, and this has only manifested itself recently, but she is a very sociable person, makes new friends easily, can be shy at first but so can lots of people.

She has a lot of friends, and is quite active in the community with things. Not an introvert or someone with social issues, really.

Who knows. Maybe she does have some internal issue and all this shall pass. Will be hard to mend the bridges though.