Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

[OkieDokie]

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

[OkieDokie]

Maybe i shouldn't have texted him but i was/am worried about her. She's been a massive part of my life for 19 years and to suddenly go no contact is like cutting your arm off.

I never told the mutual friend all the ins and outs just that we've had a falling out over the party. She said she'd still go and will tell me what goes on.

I hope she will get help/ see sense/ relax and that in time she'll see I was trying to help. I may have gone about some things foolishly, but I did it out of love.

[maxybrown]

Oh dear :(

Just read the whole thread.

I don't see that the op did anything wrong, she isn't having an affair so contacting the DP again wasn't actually an issue.

Hope it all gets sorted :(

[winterhat]

Contacting her directly would be a terrible idea in my opinion.

Why? Isn't communication the most important part of a friendship?

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

So far the OPs 'communication' skills haven't exactly worked out that well.

[LittleBearPad]

It's clear throughout that you wanted to help her. You have a lot going on let alone your friends behaviour.

I think stepping back is a good plan at the moment. I don't think she's bake to see you are trying to help and will only get more angry.

Look after yourself OP.

[TinyTwoTears]

youare, that's quite a harsh tone you are taking there.

The op was trying to talk some sense into her best friend. Her bf who sounds like the worlds best communicator wouldn't get through to her at the moment.

You did all you could op and maybe the best you can do now is give yourself a break from the situation and take it easy on yourself. I am sure you will be there for your friend when she needs you.

[LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName]

Hi op,I'm so sorry it's turned out like this. I don't think you've done anything wrong, I also think she does not believe for a second you are having an affairbut knew this would be how to stop her dp from talking to you.

Leave her alone, drop off /post a card and present for her PFb birthday and add a note for her. If she wants to be friends again once she's calmed down that will give her the opportuity but I don't think she will.

[Morloth]

Sounds like she has shot the messenger.

Nothing much you can do about it really. It sucks, but she will either calm down and come to her senses and apologize or she won't.

Just leave her too it, it sounds like you have plenty on your own plate.

[Squeegle]

I'm sorry it's so hard, but for what it's worth OP I am certain you've done the right thing. You've been honest and caring, and it does sound like your friend is a bit unbalanced at the moment.

If she values you, she would take your views about the party into account. It's a sign that she is not herself that she wouldn't listen. And the fact that she has got annoyed with her husband and suspicious of an affair show she is completely paranoiac.

Her husband sounds like a rock; and the fact he appreciated that you were straight with her at the lunch sounds good. Hopefully he will be able to influence her to seek help.

Don't be hard on yourself OP- you have a lot on your

[Squeegle]

(Whoops)... plate and it's time to concentrate on your new baby.

[MummyBeerest]

Hi OP-

Have just read the whole thing and wanted to say how very sorry I am that you're in such a difficult position. You are an amazing friend, and you sound like you love this friend to bits.

As someone who's been on both sides of dealing with depression, (which, in my non-expert opinion, definitely sounds like she has some form of,) I can tell you all to astutely that this is just the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more that's going on with her; and though it feels like you're not doing enough for her, believe me when I say that the bigger issues are beyond control, both her and yours, until she comes to terms that she needs additional, professional help.

There is nothing harder than seeing someone you love suffer and not knowing what to do. Moreover, it's hard to hear them say such awful things and remember that it's not really them saying it.

You've done all you could do, and when the time comes, she'll be back and you both can pick up where you left off, or better yet, start anew. It will be hard in the meantime, but be kind to yourself. You need strength just as much as she does

[waterrat]

If you love her and think she is suffering then I would write to her directly telling her the truth and saying you are really sorry if you hurt her feelings - that you care deeply about her and were trying to help

It may not get a response but at least it's on the record
If its

[ChasedByBees]

It does sound like she has some real issues and hopefully this coming to a head will make her get some help. You might find that once she's well again she is able to resume the friendship (if you want to by then).

[wannaBe]

At this point I would be more concerned about the child in all this. The woman is clearly unbalanced and if I were her Dp I wouldn't be confident leaving the baby with her.

[Floggingmolly]

Yes, I'd have to agree with wannaBe. She really needs help.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

I am sorry my last couple of posts were harsh. I just think the OP has handled this really badly. I think discussing her friends mental health behind her back with her friends husband was a mistake. I also think that she was very wrong to discuss it and to continue to discuss it (however subtlety ) with her other friends.
Putting her opinions in writing (texts and the note ) was a very misguided and inflammatory thing to do. Can you imagine that you are in a fragile state of mind then your friend gives you a note telling you that you need help?? Anyone would react badly to that.

I think the best course of action for the OP would be to do nothing or, maybe, to send a note apologising for upsetting her and acknowledging that she handled it badly.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

She's been a massive part of my life for 19 years and to suddenly go no contact is like cutting your arm off.

Can you look at it this way; she's been a massive part of your life for 19 years, and she's asked you to give her some space.

[sparechange]

Sorry YouAre, but I totally, totally disagree with you.

I've had experience with friends with mental health issues - PND, anorexia and depression - and they needed to be told that other people were noticing they needed help, and their partners needed to be told they had friends who were helping to support them. It is hugely isolating living with someone with MH problems, and at times you end up questioning whether you are imagining things. Having some support from the wider circle of friends and family can be a real weight off shoulders and be a very constructive way of helping the person seek the help they need.
Of course some people don't like hearing the truth, but how bizarre to suggest you therefore shouldn't help them [baffled]

Your 'sweeping it all under the rug' attitude and burying your head into the sand over the problems of your friends is part of the reason we have such a woeful attitude towards mental health in this country.
By all means continue to perpetuate that yourself, but you really shouldn't critisise others who want to constructively help their own friends to find help and get better.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Sparechange. I NEVER said the OP shouldn't help her friend you are wrong to say that. You should read my posts more carefully.


I absolutely agree that you should help out friends but in the OPs case I would have done it very differently. In no way do I think the OP should ignore her friends problems. I just think that by confronting her about it so abruptly she has ended up being able to give no support. A softer more gentle approach from the OP would have been much kinder and would have kept things open and supportive between them. You can't offer help to someone you have just alienated.

I don't think the OP was right to discuss her friends mental health behind her back with her friends husband and, to some extent, their mutual friends. I could imagine that if I was the OPs friend I would be horrified by this and I would not be able to trust the OP in the future. By doing this, it's unlikely the OPs friend will accept any help and support from the OP in the future. It's achieved nothing useful.

The OP decided to force this situation to a head by confronting her friend - I don't think it was her decision to make and I don't think it was the best way to support her friend.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Sparechange. I forgot to add that I have no quibble with you for disagreeing about how to best approach this type of situation but I have a huge problem with you suggesting that I am unsympathetic with those with mental health. I just think a more thoughtful and diplomatic approach is better.

You post is quite insulting actually.

[OkieDokie]

We all have our own opinions and what's done is done. I did take a softly softly approach for months but nothing seemed to be getting through and I could see she was getting worse. I don't really see the problem with talking to her partner. He's been one of my best friends for 10 years and we both want the best for her. She'll feel we've been sneaky I guess, but hopefully she'll see we want the best for her.

I haven't spoken to the other friend in any great length about it all, just that we've had a falling out over the party. I would have had to tell her something as she'd have only texted me whilst at the party to see where we were or even worse asked my friend if I'd told her I couldn't make it.

I am giving her space and I think if I was in the same situation I would be pissed off but would think In the end that they had done it for a reason.

Not really relevant but after a bad split of mine, she told me to get a grip, helped me have a shower as I hadn't bothered and looked after me. She's seen me at my worst and at the time I was really annoyed with her but without her I'd have been in a darker place.

I don't really need the stress that this thread is giving me. Thanks for all the advice/opinions though.

[sparechange]

Okie, it is sad this thread is stressing you out.
I think the vast majority of posts have been really sympathetic to you given the difficult situation you have been placed in, after what seems to be months of trying to help someone.
That feeling of helplessness when someone acts totally irrationally is horrible, and I really hope your friend gets the help she needs, and finds it in herself to patch up your friendship.

For what it is worth, I think you did totally the right thing with your approach to her, and in speaking to her partner...

[BitOutOfPractice]

Okie I agree that you have tried, with the best intentions, to help your friend and I think if you read back again you'll see that most posters think that too I hope one day she realises just what a good friend she has and will reach out to you again. She does sound very anxious - hope she's alright. And you of course

Youaretalking to say "well you shouldn't have done this, you should've done that" after the event is a teeny bit pointless don't you?

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Fair enough, what is done is done and I really do hope things settle down for the OP and for her friend. I have never questioned the good intentions of the OP just the way in which she went about it.

I suggested she not respond to her friends DHs texts or discuss it with other friends before she did it and I understand it can't be undone now. I mentioned it after the event because of other posters suggesting the OP continue to try and contact her friend even though I hoped to highlight that it might be best to do nothing apart from, possibly, sending a note to apologise.

[songlark]

Hilarious....the thought of one year olds playing pass the parcel.??????