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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

414 replies

OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 08:09

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

OP posts:
yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 24/02/2014 15:04

Oh dear, that sounds awful. She's getting herself in a right state keeping up with jones's or trying to top them. I hope her partner can get her to see sense when he sees her.
It just makes me think of the present photos on Facebook every year, which to me is look at all the stuff I've bought I love my kids so much.
People tend to shout the loudest about things like this, when they are feeling crap on the inside.

lottieandmia · 24/02/2014 15:05

OP, it sounds as if you feel that this is out of character for her? If so, maybe she really is unwell. I assume you would not have been friends with her for the past 19 years if this was typical for her?

pickles184 · 24/02/2014 15:07

She actually sounds like she needs help, no person behaving normally would behave like that surely?

You say you've know her for so long, has she ever displayed similar behaviour before?

Perhaps worth considering that she is struggling to cope and putting unnecessary emphasis on this whole thing to avoid giving herself time to think about or discuss how she is feeling?

RiverTam · 24/02/2014 15:10

it sounds to me that something is going a bit wrong for her - I wonder if she is struggling and clinging onto these new friends and their bonkers ways for a reason.

Poor you, sounds rubbish. Hopefully her DP can help her sort this out.

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 15:15

I think it might all stem from her childhood as her parents never really spent much time with her. I met her in the first year of secondary and when she used to come around after school she was amazed that we all ate together, would sit and chat or we'd play board games and all do the garden together and other general stuff.

When she was pregnant she said she wanted everything to be perfect and she obsessed over diet and anything else she could control. She said she'd never be like her parents. Whilst she was pregnant I had said to her that not everything goes perfectly, do what you think's right and don't take advice from everyone etc and she seemed to take it all on board. She spoke to me about a month after he was born saying that she just couldn't cope with being perfect anymore. She was worried about everything and also putting herself down because of not losing baby weight and her DP not fancying her. I encouraged her to speak to her GP and partner and over the next couple of months she seemed like she was back to her pre pregnancy self. Then as her DS was about 3/4 months she said her new friends were always saying how long their kids slept and stuff and she started getting worse again. I've told her over and over all kids are different/you're doing brilliantly/ most are probably exaggerating. She says she's fine though so there's not much I can do. Her DP is worried about her, but not as if he can force her to see the GP or anything.

It's just like she can't live up to her own expectations and is now punishing anyone who she thinks is trying to stop her.

I'm going to leave it a few days and hopefully she'll be in contact. Just I never wanted to upset her.

OP posts:
Tiredemma · 24/02/2014 15:18

Baby Groups with a lot of first time mums as the attendees tend to place an awful lot of pressure on people. I went to one recently with DD and was alarmed at the pushy attitude of some of the mums there- I was ostracised for sharing that DD slept well at night.
Fortunately I dont care whether I fit in or not and dont need any more friends so didnt bother going back but I can imagine that the pressure as a FTM to 'fit in' to such groups must be immense. Its the first test of the 'school gates' shit that goes on in later years.

I would imagine that she feels great pressure to have a stonking great 1st Birthday in the eyes of her new friends.
That is very sad.

saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 15:19

well to be honest it sounds as if she has more issues than a friend can help with. Maybe her OTT reaction will help her realise she needs to seek out some help.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 15:21

Well, as predicted there was an 'outrageous' post lunch time meet-up update.

(Shame my prediction wasn't completely right. I was hoping it would be 'hilarious' too. Sad It was far from that)

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 15:22

In that case I would leave it for a bit and phone her again, or arrange for her to come round to yours for a brew. You were friends this long for a reason, she might be depressed and putting a lot of pressure on herself to be perfect for her Ever so perfect NCT 'friends'. This does not sound lie rational normal beaviour! she might have taken your advice quite literally to do things the way she wants and not worry about what others think!

puntasticusername · 24/02/2014 15:25

Oh, no. She's not quite ok, is she? Poor woman.

Hopefully you guys falling out over this party madness will act as a useful prompt to persuade her to face the issues she's struggling with.

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 15:31

Yeah I will leave it although I think I've probably cried more than her. I just want to go around with wine (for her), cake, ice cream and chocolate and give her a big hug.

Her DP has texted me back saying that this might trigger her getting help and he's glad in a way things have blown up. He's apparently tried in the last few weeks to get her to open up but he says she just starts arguments about him wanting her to have no friends and things.

Thanks for all the advice, I only wish it had a happier outcome, although my 2 year old knows where the creme eggs are hidden and has just said I think you need one of these :).

OP posts:
2tiredtocare · 24/02/2014 15:39

Bless him Smile You sound like a caring friend, she'll be back and you'll be there for her

SlightlyDampWellies · 24/02/2014 15:50

Oh OP. Thanks

AlpacaLypse · 24/02/2014 15:52
Sad

Flowers Wine and Cake for you and your friend.

I'm so glad I had (functional) family near me and wasn't cast onto the NCT for support when I had dtds, the local group were obsessed with hygiene and comparing their children. Only stayed on to get early access at the Nearly New sales!

thatswhatimtalkingbout · 24/02/2014 15:55

Oh dear. Poor Okie. Poor Okie's friend.

There is a reasonable way to do this, I have seen this lots of times at big parties with a range of ages: you just have informally timed, periodic announcements, "Big ones off the soft play! little ones on!" and vice versa. You could offer reasonable strategies like this, generally calm her down by sitting down and talking about logistics in such a way that the littles get a go of everything first and then taken off for lunch or whatever and then the big ones go on....?

4 hours is still too long though, and those activities aren't suitable for one year olds, and they will end up on their parents' hips grizzling for snacks because they want to go to sleep. This is ok if the parents and the big kids are having a good time, everyone is relaxed and the babies can be held or put to sleep in pushchairs. That would be a sort of jolly informal family affair that she probably doesn't want though.

Sad because it sounds like a lot of energy and money is available for this and it could potentially be the sort of party whole families remember fondly for years.

Well done okie for biting the bullet. one way or another it will work out better that you confronted this.

5Foot5 · 24/02/2014 15:58

Oh I see her DP has already been in touch. From what you said up-thread I thought he sounded like a sensible chap and was going to suggest maybe contacting him to say that you hadn't meant to upset her and letting him know you are still happy to see her when she has calmed down.

You sound like a good friend and hopefully she will realise that when she has worked through some of her current issues .

maras2 · 24/02/2014 15:59

Don't upset yourself love.You sound like a very good friend and you certainly have more patience than me. I'd be all ' Catch yerself on ye mad bint '. Just leave the ball in her court for now and just be there when the floodgates open. You're the sort of mate that she needs.

Viviennemary · 24/02/2014 16:03

Don't go. The whole thing will be an utter disaster but let her find out for herself. How can she have a party with such a huge range of age groups unless she has an army of helpers and different activities for each group.

wannaBe · 24/02/2014 16:04

do you think she could have undiagnosed pnd perhaps?

I would call (not text) her dp and have a chat with him along the lines of that the reason why you talked to her was because she obviously wants her pfb's first birthday to be memorable, but this will be so for the wrong reasons if she follows through with the plans she has. that a friendship is not worth losing over a birthday party, but that she stands to lose and antagonise a lot of friends/family if she goes ahead with this plan. but I would ask him if he thinks she is ok or whether she perhaps has pnd/needs some support.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/02/2014 16:06

Oh OP how upsetting for you. Hope you are OK.

I'd leave it a few days and maybe text her that you love her and ony want to help.

Cake
moldingsunbeams · 24/02/2014 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/02/2014 16:10

Perhaps you might want to read the whole thread molding as the OP is very upset Sad

moldingsunbeams · 24/02/2014 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Groovee · 24/02/2014 16:11

I think you have been a great friend to her and tried. Now she needs to see it for herself. She sounds like she puts too much pressure on herself to get it perfect from her own childhood.

Hopefully in a few days when things calm down she'll be in touch x

WelshMaenad · 24/02/2014 16:16

Jeepers. Has she got PND?

You have been more than supportive and reasonable OP. Give her time, she'll come around. You'll laugh about this one day.