Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

[OkieDokie]

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

[HolidayCriminal]

.

[CarolineKnappShappey]

How was the party?

[Evie2014]

Poor Okie. I think you did the right thing. I feel very sorry for your friend as clearly there are serious issues there. I really hope that things work out- i feel sure they will.

Don't let the thread stress you out just because of a couple of bigmouths.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Her friend is suffering, but at the same time she has treated the OP absolutely appallingly and the OP is right to be upset.

OP I think you've done all you could and that you should just focus on your own baby and family for the moment. If she decides to sort herself out and wants to re-establish the friendship in future then you decide how you feel about her at that point.

I've had PND, I know it is hard to see the wood for the trees and accept that you have a problem. But you don't start accusing your friends of shagging your husband on the basis of nothing.

[Perfectlypurple]

Hate it when people don't RTFT!

Her friend is not a loon. She is suffering and needs help but won't accept it.

[puntasticusername]

change

Read.
The.
Fucking.
Thread.

[changeforthebetter]

You lost me at "caterers for a first birthday party"

Your "friend" is a fucking loon and deserves a very wide berth.

HTJ

[apermanentheadache]

Tatty is that to me? Yes, seriously. I have been where the friend was, sort of, and I'm speaking from experience. Everyone was very concerned, driven to talk to each other, but I was very much in denial and outraged at their implications. Even though with hindsight they were 100% correct. I did need help, and fast.

[TattyDevine]

SERIOUSLY?

[apermanentheadache]

Plus most people are still mortally embarrassed by MH problems. She is likely embarrassed she's been talked about and finds being the subject of other people's concern hard to take.

FWIW I think you did the right thing x

[apermanentheadache]

Okie I would imagine that your friend is angry because she has been sprung. Her secret, which she has been trying to hide for months, is now out. A lot of people try to bat away mental illness by 'putting on a brave face' and doing a good show of coping 'brilliantly'. If you and her DH are now on the case, she can't really pretend any more. That might be hard for her to accept, hence the lashing out at you and pushing you away.

[Hissy]

All's not lost yet Okie, she'll see what you were trying to do at some point, and that it came from love, not criticism.

[Perfectlypurple]

There's a big difference between gossiping 'oooh you will never guess what so and so is doing' and speaking to her friends dh because she is concerned.

Hopefully when your friend gets past this op she will realise this and realise you only ever had her best interests at heart.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

I personally think that having your friend tell you what goes on might give fuel to your other friend's fire if she find out. I'd just step away entirely.

[songlark]

Hilarious....the thought of one year olds playing pass the parcel.??????

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Fair enough, what is done is done and I really do hope things settle down for the OP and for her friend. I have never questioned the good intentions of the OP just the way in which she went about it.

I suggested she not respond to her friends DHs texts or discuss it with other friends before she did it and I understand it can't be undone now. I mentioned it after the event because of other posters suggesting the OP continue to try and contact her friend even though I hoped to highlight that it might be best to do nothing apart from, possibly, sending a note to apologise.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Okie I agree that you have tried, with the best intentions, to help your friend and I think if you read back again you'll see that most posters think that too I hope one day she realises just what a good friend she has and will reach out to you again. She does sound very anxious - hope she's alright. And you of course

Youaretalking to say "well you shouldn't have done this, you should've done that" after the event is a teeny bit pointless don't you?

[sparechange]

Okie, it is sad this thread is stressing you out.
I think the vast majority of posts have been really sympathetic to you given the difficult situation you have been placed in, after what seems to be months of trying to help someone.
That feeling of helplessness when someone acts totally irrationally is horrible, and I really hope your friend gets the help she needs, and finds it in herself to patch up your friendship.

For what it is worth, I think you did totally the right thing with your approach to her, and in speaking to her partner...

[OkieDokie]

We all have our own opinions and what's done is done. I did take a softly softly approach for months but nothing seemed to be getting through and I could see she was getting worse. I don't really see the problem with talking to her partner. He's been one of my best friends for 10 years and we both want the best for her. She'll feel we've been sneaky I guess, but hopefully she'll see we want the best for her.

I haven't spoken to the other friend in any great length about it all, just that we've had a falling out over the party. I would have had to tell her something as she'd have only texted me whilst at the party to see where we were or even worse asked my friend if I'd told her I couldn't make it.

I am giving her space and I think if I was in the same situation I would be pissed off but would think In the end that they had done it for a reason.

Not really relevant but after a bad split of mine, she told me to get a grip, helped me have a shower as I hadn't bothered and looked after me. She's seen me at my worst and at the time I was really annoyed with her but without her I'd have been in a darker place.

I don't really need the stress that this thread is giving me. Thanks for all the advice/opinions though.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Sparechange. I forgot to add that I have no quibble with you for disagreeing about how to best approach this type of situation but I have a huge problem with you suggesting that I am unsympathetic with those with mental health. I just think a more thoughtful and diplomatic approach is better.

You post is quite insulting actually.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

Sparechange. I NEVER said the OP shouldn't help her friend you are wrong to say that. You should read my posts more carefully.


I absolutely agree that you should help out friends but in the OPs case I would have done it very differently. In no way do I think the OP should ignore her friends problems. I just think that by confronting her about it so abruptly she has ended up being able to give no support. A softer more gentle approach from the OP would have been much kinder and would have kept things open and supportive between them. You can't offer help to someone you have just alienated.

I don't think the OP was right to discuss her friends mental health behind her back with her friends husband and, to some extent, their mutual friends. I could imagine that if I was the OPs friend I would be horrified by this and I would not be able to trust the OP in the future. By doing this, it's unlikely the OPs friend will accept any help and support from the OP in the future. It's achieved nothing useful.

The OP decided to force this situation to a head by confronting her friend - I don't think it was her decision to make and I don't think it was the best way to support her friend.

[sparechange]

Sorry YouAre, but I totally, totally disagree with you.

I've had experience with friends with mental health issues - PND, anorexia and depression - and they needed to be told that other people were noticing they needed help, and their partners needed to be told they had friends who were helping to support them. It is hugely isolating living with someone with MH problems, and at times you end up questioning whether you are imagining things. Having some support from the wider circle of friends and family can be a real weight off shoulders and be a very constructive way of helping the person seek the help they need.
Of course some people don't like hearing the truth, but how bizarre to suggest you therefore shouldn't help them [baffled]

Your 'sweeping it all under the rug' attitude and burying your head into the sand over the problems of your friends is part of the reason we have such a woeful attitude towards mental health in this country.
By all means continue to perpetuate that yourself, but you really shouldn't critisise others who want to constructively help their own friends to find help and get better.

[LookingThroughTheFog]

She's been a massive part of my life for 19 years and to suddenly go no contact is like cutting your arm off.

Can you look at it this way; she's been a massive part of your life for 19 years, and she's asked you to give her some space.

[YouAreTalkingRubbish]

I am sorry my last couple of posts were harsh. I just think the OP has handled this really badly. I think discussing her friends mental health behind her back with her friends husband was a mistake. I also think that she was very wrong to discuss it and to continue to discuss it (however subtlety ) with her other friends.
Putting her opinions in writing (texts and the note ) was a very misguided and inflammatory thing to do. Can you imagine that you are in a fragile state of mind then your friend gives you a note telling you that you need help?? Anyone would react badly to that.

I think the best course of action for the OP would be to do nothing or, maybe, to send a note apologising for upsetting her and acknowledging that she handled it badly.

[Floggingmolly]

Yes, I'd have to agree with wannaBe. She really needs help.