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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

414 replies

OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 08:09

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

OP posts:
AngelaDaviesHair · 24/02/2014 14:35

I also tend to agree with quietly. The OP's opinion has been offered and dismissed, so all she can really do now is decide to go or decide to stay away.

Ev1lEdna · 24/02/2014 14:38

If you are actually being tempted by 200 strangers to ruin a long standing friendship just for the sake of being RIGHT,
then I shake my head in wonderment I really do.
The level of interference some of you have in other people's lives is nothing like my own.
Do you all change best friends a lot?

Nope.

That's why I have said don't show her the thread and do go because she means a lot to you BUT it doesn't mean the OP has to take her kids if they will be upset and bored. However if it was my friends I probably would tell her I'd come but not bring my kids because I know my kids and they would be unhappy. I would also have no qualms whatsoever about saying no to being the enforcer of these rules to a FRIEND because it is an unreasonable request and frankly I would expect a friend to accept that.

Additionally if you are writing on a forum like AIBU you are clearly asking a question and people will respond how they see fit, that's the nature of a public forum. So shake your head as you please at people's responses on the internet (I know I do - not criticising) but if a person asks a question here surely they expect some hardline responses and are under no obligation to follow them.

YellowDinosaur · 24/02/2014 14:38

I can assure you I would say something in real life gillian. I wouldn't put my close friend in the position of a car crash like this when I could do something about it. If she was intent on going ahead despite my advice I'd back off because at the end of the day it's up to her. But I wouldn't go and I'd explain why and offer to go out for lunch to celebrate her pfb's birthday another time.

skinnyflatwhitetogo · 24/02/2014 14:38

Please don't take your kids to this party. They are afraid they'll miss something and will find out the hard way if you take them along. Leave them behind with DH and go yourself, if only to marvel at your friends spectacular party downfall. Be prepared for her to apportion some blame to you afterwards (if only you'd made a banner, if only you'd policed the soft play etc...).

My ass is this party all about one-yr olds. Its about her showing off and impressing other mums.

If you do end up taking the kids, prep your 2 and 4 yr olds to ask your friend loudly at regular intervals "But Auntie Loopy WHY did babyloopy invite me to his party but I can't play...but WHYYYYY???? WHYYYYY?? WHHHY no soft play for me Auntie Loopy WHYYYY????" Repeat repeat repeat until she cracks.

God, if ever there as an occasion for I Told You So, this it is

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 24/02/2014 14:47

Also no respectable face painter is going to paint 1 year old faces. I would only do from 3 up, 2 at a push and generally only something on their arm or hand.
But I would tell her I wasn't going, it sounds awful and I've not even read the whole thread.

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 14:47

Wow, what a lot of posts! I was really honest with her about it all and it was all very awkward after. The upshot is that she thinks I'm jealous of her new friends and the party she's throwing as I only did small family based ones until school.

I told her politely that I don't know how she expected me to enforce these rules and help to look after 3 kids whilst pregnant. It all kind of dawned on her and she just kept saying how selfish and jealous I was being.

She stormed off in hysterics into the loo with her DS and left me and my DD at the table :S.

I wrote her a note about what I thought and that I didn't want to hurt her just that I couldn't sit back any longer and take it. She came back, grabbed her stuff and left and told me not to bother her ever again. I've texted her to read the note I left in her coat and have texted her DP.

Oh dear, least I tried.

Think she wanted me as a bouncer type as she's obviously seen kids playing up, just mine and her family's kids don't appear too bad. Perhaps she presumed my kids would be the worst? My kids can be fairly energetic at times...

Thanks all anyway.

OP posts:
IAmNotAMindReader · 24/02/2014 14:51

Sorry its worked out like this. Hopefully once she calms down she will see you haven't done this out of jealousy. However if she's blown up like this now she would have gone ten times worse at the party should anything have gone wrong as it would have all been magnified by the stress of the day.

AngelaDaviesHair · 24/02/2014 14:52

I'm sorry it went badly. She's being pretty unkind to you really, I'd steer clear for a bit. I take it you're definitely not going now!

Ev1lEdna · 24/02/2014 14:53

She sounds unhappy - are you sure there isn't other issues going on? Someone upthread mentioned PND and how it affected them wanting to get Christmas right, perhaps she is feeling the same way?

Most kids are energetic by the way especially at parties I very much doubt yours would have been the worst (what ever that means).

Let the dust settle, and approach her again, maybe suggest a quiet celebration of her DS with you or something. I think she may need you as a friend.

formerbabe · 24/02/2014 14:53

I think op needs to find a kids party entertainer, and send the details to her friend saying 'this might be a good idea to keep the older children entertained?'

formerbabe · 24/02/2014 14:57

Oh dear..posted that before I read the update...

WilsonFrickett · 24/02/2014 14:58

Actually OP, she really doesn't sound OK does she? (Not that I mean in any way you were wrong to say anything). But storming out of lunches and stuff, that's not really the sign of someone who is on top of everything is it?

Anyone remember the Christening thread, where it actually wasn't the mother's fault but she'd been drawn into a hideous situation by her bitch sister wedding planner???? Do you think something like that could be going on here?

AngelaDaviesHair · 24/02/2014 14:58

If I had just been spoken to like that, I would not be running around trying to find her party entertainers. The friend is the author of her own misfortune, the OP should not be her doormat, let the chips fall where they may.

AngelaDaviesHair · 24/02/2014 14:58

Apols for the metaphor overload.

quietbatperson · 24/02/2014 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neolara · 24/02/2014 14:59

She sounds a bit unhinged. Sorry it went so pear shaped. Maybe she'll calm down later?

MerryMarigold · 24/02/2014 14:59

Oh no, you poor thing. You can go and watch the carnage with a clear conscience anyway. And no, you should definitely not have to play the bouncer, ruining small kids' fun at a party.

saintlyjimjams · 24/02/2014 15:00

Blimey. What a strange reaction - assuming you were polite and kind about how you expressed it. Maybe she'll rethink if she realises she'll have to keep 20 kids off the play equipment.

I think she owes you an apology really. (and lol at being jealous)

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 15:01

Oh dear, your friend is eing utterly selfish and self centred. I would give her some time to cool down (prefebly after the party) and send her another message, when she sees the reality and tat mabey you were right after all (though you don't tell her that!)

formerbabe · 24/02/2014 15:02

Your friend is being so silly.

I would choose an honest/blunt friend who has my best interests at heart rather than a nicey, nicey type who agrees with everything I say.

MerryMarigold · 24/02/2014 15:02

True, Wilson, I remember the Christening thread, with a gift list full of designer bags etc. and the Mum was having a bit of a breakdown Sad. Maybe there is more to this - or maybe she is a bit immature and PFB, hard to tell.

OP, I would talk to the DP again if you can.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 15:02

Let the dust settle and mabey phone her to see if she ok!

AndSheRose · 24/02/2014 15:02

To be honest she should be grateful for your kids being there to show the 1YOs how to do any of the 'games' and give them a hope in hell of working out how they're meant to. Frankly it is exremely selfish and mean. Perhaps gently explain you are quite offended and upset, and your inclination is not to go. Why are your children not entitled to join in? How on earth could they understand it and even if they could, what would they make of it - we are not as worthy as the 1YO babies? If she still doesn't get it, tell her you are having a party, there will be activities for 2,4 and 6 YOs and her 1YO isn't to partake or get enjoyment out of ANY of them. See if she gets it.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 15:03

Oh yes Merry I remember that, and te sister was monopolising everything.

meditrina · 24/02/2014 15:03

OkieDokie: I'm so sorry your lunch turned out like that.

Is it out of character for her to react so strongly and to storm off? Because it sounds rather extreme and, as WilsonFrickett said, she doesn't sound OK.