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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend and her PFB 1st birthday party.

414 replies

OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 08:09

Ok so my best friends DS will be 1 in a couple of weeks. She's having a big party and I've helped her find a room and gave her some caterers numbers for the food.

She's made a few new friends from NCT and some baby groups which I'm happy about as my children are 6, 4 and 2 so probably forgotten what's like to just have a PFB.

Anyway, she told me last week that's she's got some activities like pass the parcel etc but only the one year olds can play the games. She's also renting soft play pieces and getting in some kind of face painter but again only for the 1 year olds.

She said bluntly that I was to keep my kids off the soft play stuff and make sure they don't join in. AIBU to think this is really off? There will be about 20 odd kids from 2-8 and I'm just not sure how I'll keep my 3 off the stuff. Obviously, I'll tell them not to but as I'm 7 months pregnant and I really don't need the extra pressure. The kids will be confused as every party they've been to before they have been encouraged to join in.

I don't know what to say to her and I don't want to fall out over something so silly. I think she doesn't appreciate what it's like to have older kids and wonder why she's invited people with older kids if they're expected to just sit still?

OP posts:
moldingsunbeams · 24/02/2014 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOutOfPractice · 24/02/2014 16:19

I saw that molding - happens to us all! Have a Wine

WElsh I thought PND too. Sounds like her DP thinks so too to me

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 16:27

It gets crazier and crazier Shock Shock

If it were me, I would NOT respond to the DP other than the briefest acknowledgement Whilst it will deprive MN of more juicy updates Confused it would unfair to prolong the 'drama'. It would also be unfair to discuss it with any of your other mutual friends.

RiverTam · 24/02/2014 16:31

I hope her DP is right. Poor woman, I really feel for her, living up to your own perceived standards of parenting perfection is draining and ultimately futile, but it can take a while to realise that your DC will be just fine with loving, imperfect, caring, shambolic parents.

CloverHeart · 24/02/2014 16:43

Ok I second what others have said about PND. Unfortunately (in my personal experience) It takes the person suffering to admit it to themselves before they will ask anyone else for help.

Just be there for her when she needs you OP because to her it will feel like her whole world is falling apart and she will be in desperate need of a friend.

Topaz25 · 24/02/2014 16:45

You have not done anything wrong. Your friend needed someone to tell her she was being OTT and hopefully it will prompt her to get help.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 24/02/2014 16:45

I'm sorry your lunch went so badly. I hope she reads your note and realises you only have her and your DC's interests at heart. Perhaps her DP could put in a good word for you and remind her what a good friend you've always been??

Original poster
OkieDokie · 24/02/2014 16:48

I think some of what I did say got through and I think that's why she stormed off as she didn't want to admit I had a point. I do think she has PND, which I have talked to her DP about. Not in a bitchy way but more in a please try and find a way to get her some support as she says she's fine, just stressed with the demands of a house/working and a baby.

I'm hoping that after a few hours cooling off her DP will be able to get her to see sense and try and sort things out. I've told her countless times you don't have to be perfect, just try your best and accept that at some times things won't go how you planned.

I don't know how it got to all this, but I told her in her note and her DP that I'm always there for her/them.

OP posts:
WilsonFrickett · 24/02/2014 16:51

Aw OP please don't be upset, you did the right thing and as others (including her DP) have said, it might mean she gets a little bit of help or perspective. Keep the channels of communication open but give her a bit of space.

And does DF know you're a MNer? Because if so I'd get this thread pulled....

Hissy · 24/02/2014 16:51

the poor thing! :( sounds like she has a barrel load of unresolved issues there. I hope that she does get some help, or she will stifle her DS and ruin his childhood by trying NOT to ruin it the same way her parents did for her.

Moderation in all things - the middle way is what she needs to aim for.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/02/2014 17:06

You have been a great friend and I think tat she just might need you when things don't go as plan. I would certainly leave it, then give her a call and invite her round for a brew.

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 17:12

I would be furious if a friend discussed 'my' mental health with my DP. Putting these thoughts in writing (the note, the texts) was a HUGE mistake in my opinion.

Sunshineonsea · 24/02/2014 17:25

If you've tried to talk to her about PND and it's not got through then I rink you did the right thing talking to her DH, you sound like a very good friend and although she may be a bit upset at the moment hopefully she will come around and realise you weren't selfish or jealous of her

2tiredtocare · 24/02/2014 17:26

Oh yes friends abd partners should turn a blind eye and not help each other to best help the person suffering [Hmm]

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 24/02/2014 17:30

I agree that you should support friends and offer help and a listening ear. I don't think you should 'diagnose' a friends mental illness and discuss it with her partner. There is a difference, a big difference.

meditrina · 24/02/2014 17:43

"Thanks for all the advice, I only wish it had a happier outcome, although my 2 year old knows where the creme eggs are hidden and has just said I think you need one of these"

It sounds like you have lovely DC, Okie.

And much as I would like to see how this pans out in terms of how you help your friend, I agree with the pp that if there is any chance that she (or other invitees who might recognise the party set up) are MNetters you might want to think about getting the thread deleted.

AlpacaLypse · 24/02/2014 17:48

OP hasn't 'diagnosed' pnd, it's a lot of us who are wondering if that might have something to do with her problems, and looks like OP, and OP's friend's partner, are beginning to think the same thing.

I'd rather my friends noticed there was something wrong and tried to help than let me blindly career onwards towards disaster, and it does seem that's the way friend is going at the moment. Not just about this daft birthday party, but in all sorts of other ways too.

bodybooboo · 24/02/2014 17:50

I think you have said your peice and now back off.

I really would be careful chatting to her Dp behind her back so to speak.

let her contact you now.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 24/02/2014 17:53

That just seems beyond bonkers.

I've only read page one so far so sorry if there is an update that has given more info, it's just a v long thread.

But seriously, how fair is that?

Who expects a 2/3 year old to sit still whilst the babies play? That seems really unfair to me.

Plus who would invite someone (anyone, really) if they couldn't take part. I wouldn't invite someone heavily pregnant to do a sky dive, or someone who had a heart condition for that matter. It just seems to really poorly thought out.

I'd just decline and say you are feeling big and just feel a bit bleugh but hope that the party goes well.

I wonder what all the others will think of this well thought out arrangement?

GlaikitFizzog · 24/02/2014 18:28

You might want to at Least read ops comments gimme, it's moved on slightly.

For all those saying you would be furious if a friend spoke to your DP about concerns of PND, I have been there, I was furious at first, but out of the gloom I am so so grateful they did. I was the woman trying to make DS first Christmas "perfect". Dh was letting me get on with it as he thought this was normal behaviour for someone planning a first Christmas (he didn't have big Christmases as a child) it took my sister and my friend both emailing him to point out I was acting strange and needed to calm myself down. My planning a bird within a bird within a bird within a bird to do myself was the point they though enough was enough!

Anyway, dh spoke to me, I got angry, I cried, and then I accepted that things were not right and I sought help. I'm only just coming through it now two years later.

If my friends and family didn't care, I would have had 15kilos of poultry to cook on Christmas Day!

I would never try to diagnose someone, but ops story sounds so similar to my experience I had to mention it.

OkieDokie your friend is angry, not at you, but at the loss of control she feels she has. She sounds guilt ridden about not being perfect, she needs you and her DP more now than ever.

Call her DP, speak to him. If he thinks it might help, pitch up with choc and wine.

frumpet · 24/02/2014 19:13

So sorry to hear things didn't go well . She really isn't happy is she . I am glad you have spoken to her partner , but i would leave her alone for a couple of days , let her mull things over . Perhaps send her a text , telling her how much you care about her and that your intention was never to make her unhappy and you are worried about her . Good luck OP .

AndHarry · 24/02/2014 19:17

I'm sorry you got such a bad reaction. I hope she realises how much you care.

thegreylady · 24/02/2014 19:56

What a good friend you are.
My dgs had his 5th birthday party on Saturday. There were 22 dc mainly Reception age but one or two older/younger sibs. The party was in a village hall and was from 11 to 1. There was a conjuror, a few games and a party meal. The party bags cost £2 each. Everyone had a wonderful time and it was quite long enough. At one babies can't play party games at all! A few choruses of Wheels on the Bus and Row Row Row your Boat will be as much as they can cope with. There will be breast fed babies, bottle fed babies, weaned babies, walking babies, crawling babies and babies needing long naps.
OP your friend really needs to reconsider.

littlewhitebag · 24/02/2014 20:01

You sound like a lovely friend. I hope you and your friend can make amends and move on from this. It sounds like she needs someone as sensible and thoughtful as you in her life.

Ilovexmastime · 24/02/2014 20:17

I think you sound like a great friend OP, she will thank you for this one day Thanks.