To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Actually unless your birthday is very near to Christmas you'll never really understand.

Yabu it's once a year why don't you do it on your own birthday

MrsJ yes exactly. and re the teen dds. it's lovely when they do these sort if presents isn't it?

my dd got a batch of cup cakes baked by her friends with flags on each one and a photo of them all doing daft poses on each flag.

really lovely gift.

Oh the plot thickens - cos you've been a wally and gone mad at Christmas one year (incidentally your ten month old wouldn't have given a shit at two Christmas presents) you're doing this. Sorry op you sound fucking ridiculous. Buy less next Christmas and give them a proper birthday or don't! but yep! I also reckon you're dds will have something to say about this in years to come.

winterlace that you can tackle!

I think it's rather sad.

a birthday is a day you can feel special and treated and friends bring you presents! That's our culture.

If they can't afford much a sticker book or similar is lovely. The joy of Unwrapping, joy of playing with stickers. An activity for a rainy day then disposed of when finished/later.

similarly little craft kits can be kept for a rainy day.

You don't have to go overboard or spend a lot, but to spend nothing is mean. Even a few carefully chosen cheap presents means something to open.

Theres the joy of giving that children are learning in giving gifts and receiving too.

I just think you sound incredibly mean. My dad tended not to do a lot of things as he "never got to do x/survived without x" but I hope not to pass that on.

Why not live simply throughout the year, talk about giving to charity etc (we often give toys away before Xmas for other children to pay with).

Learn about giving and receiving together. Enjoy making presents for each other at Christmas etc.

It can be a challenge in itself to live simply/ethically but that needn't need to result in doing your children out of presents to open on their birthday :(

I'd ignore the request in the invite as its tacky. I'd buy the child a present because it is their birthday. If you want to give to charity, give your own money away not your childrens. Part of the pleasure of a party is the gifts.

It must be pretty awful as a child to grow up with no present on your birthday from your parents by choice and no presents from parties as they are forbidden. Its one day that is special in the life of a child.

Children compare all the time, imagine having to admit you are not allowed presents on your birthday as mum says it too close to christmas and you dont need or deserve them.

op my birthday is in jan and my parents although bloody hard up always made it special.

I suspect your dcs will hold this against you later and think you were mean.

now about those birthday cheques from your parents?? do they go to charity too?

and of course the other children will think this is wierd too and may even tease or question your dcs.

trash oh yes!

My dd loves going to choose a present for her friends. It's part of the whole experience surely?

Oh, I missed the part where you don't give them any other present.

That's mean.

Do you get anything for Mothers Day or do you give something to charity?

Op....when you said dd presents from previous party ended up in charity shop....is that because you just donated them all....or was she allowed to keep some?

There are too many contradictions here . No gifts - but a huge party with so many guests is somehow less materialistic ? Not to mention the excess at christmas . Very well reasoned ...
Do you send money to charity in lieu of giving your kids gifts as you expect others to do ?
What's wrong with a few close friends and a few gifts ? It's up to you how many you invite.
I find this ridiculous . Our party stance is to ask the kids what they want - not to inflict such confused ideals on them.
My son said no gifts one year after I selfishly suggested it .His five mates all turned up with gifts and winking mums . He was delighted ! I saw how ridiculous it was to tell people not to do something they enjoyed .
Better to take the unwanted gifts to a charity shop .

so op come on then. do you donate that birthday cheque to charity or keep it for yourself?

My two have birthdays just after Christmas as well, so I know what you mean about the deluge of stuff. We put a lot of it away and get it out gradually over the next year or two, or pass it on to charity shops etc if they really have got a lot of similar things (craft kits etc). But their birthdays are so special, they love opening the presents afterwards, they love talking about how much they liked the such and such that so and so gave them even months later. They also like choosing things for their friends when they are invited to parties.

I've never come across this charity donation thing at a child's party, only adult's ones. I would find it a bit sad TBH. I would also wonder how my child felt when they saw other children being given presents at their parties. Especially knowing you aren't buying them anything either. Even with a limited budget I would still find a way of doing an inexpensive party AND present.

You could always put some of the presents away for a while then give them to the kids over the year. If their birthdays are on the 22nd perhaps you could give them a present on the 22nd of each month until the presents run out

winter cross posted there! I meant you dhs crap hoard. That sounds awful, so sorry you lost your mum. However, the no birthdays or pressies is a separate issue, and I think it's rotten your dad couldn't pull it off. Perhaps the whole thing is too wrapped together for you, but it sounds a bit emotionally cauterised imo

We all impose our moral and ethical beliefs on our DCs but I feel you're taking it a little too far with yours. Couldn't you get them a modest £10 gift, or ask that their friends bring gifts worth £5 or less? No gifts at all seems terribly sad, 'big party' or no big party.

I don't know I guess I just see it as different people.

I do think the DD should have a present from family. But I can understand why the OP doesn't want loads of cheap toys in the house? And donating to charity just seems a nice way of acknowledging the money someone would have spent?

do you really not buy them a single thing - just the party? That is just mean and i don't care how much the party costs it is still mean.

My dd was invited to a party that specified donations to save the children as a gift, I gave a cheque to the mum and bought the child a book - I couldn't send dd to a party with no gift at all.
The parents of the no gift child are the kind of people that do things for show and to look cool to the other mums - it doesn't work, all the other mums think the girl is a poor little thing that should have birthday presents

I don't know if unreasonable is quite the word I would use but it isn't something I would do myself for a child's birthday. Your children can make those choices when they are older. I would feel very uncomfortable indeed if a charity collection was taken up at a child's party. It just isn't done I'm afraid. If you want to give to charity or run a coffee morning or fund raise by a sponsered walk then do that. Don't use your children's birthday as an excuse.

Unlucky83 - I guess the acid test is this - what would you do if one of your dc came to you and said that this arrangement was making them sad. Would you change your stance on presents or would your principles be more important?

I was pretty sure mum wouldn't have listened, if I had told her how I felt.

Presumably you don't get any presents either OP? Please do let us know.