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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
Yika · 23/02/2014 19:44

I agree with persimmon - put a value limit on presents, like £5 or £10. People can get creative on a small budget and the giver can still have the fun of choosing while the recipient still has the fun and specialness of opening.

I think it's mean to make them choose between presents and a party. I think it would be absolutely fine to suggest as a one off once they are 10 or over, but not every year. Children need to feel special.

CromeYellow · 23/02/2014 19:44

Children shouldn't have their birthday toned down because it happens to be so close to Christmas, they should be treated the same whether they're born in December or July.

If you genuinely give too much at Christmas, why not go for one less Christmas present and use that for their birthday?

whats4teamum · 23/02/2014 19:47

Is this a reverse AIBU because if not then it sounds like its all about you and your image with the othe parents.

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 23/02/2014 19:47

Do you actuality like your children? Are there jealousy issues or resentments from your own childhood? I honestly don't see why you'd not want your child have presents.

For the sake of 20 quid or so you could buy a present and you could cut back elsewhere in life in lieu of the gifts being given by others.

If you look at your life as a whole why should your childs birthday be the bit you cut? Can you buy less for yourself?

bigboobsbertha · 23/02/2014 19:54

Do you knit yoghurts and weave lentils too

hang on, that could be a great party idea, while you sit there reading the guardian and humming kumbayah

HappyMummyOfOne · 23/02/2014 19:54

I'm sure the OP gives the birthday cheques to charity, doesnt get presents from her DH for birthday etc and ensures she asks for charity donations for mothers day etc Hmm

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 23/02/2014 19:57

I find this really sad.

GoodnessIsThatTheTime · 23/02/2014 19:58

We're fairly lentil Weavery and know done extremely lentil Weavery people. They often have "alternative" presents but still books etc. One family wraps presents in silk play scarfs which are reusable each birthday which i think is lovely.

It sounds like yours isn't an ethical issue but something else though? Do you feel you spend too much in general/interesting childhood? Could be any number of issues!

RightsaidFreud · 23/02/2014 19:58

If someone asks for 'no gifts' in whatever situation, birthdays, weddings whatever, I don't understand why people would then buy a gift. It doesn't matter if YOU want to buy a gift, you have politely been asked not to. In that sense, I feel the gift giver is being quite selfish, because they have been asked not to and they are more or less saying to the host 'screw you, i'm going to do whatever the hell i want.'

Original poster
unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 20:03

I don't directly donate my birthday money from my parents to charity - I don't donate DDs they get from the family ...I don't get a birthday present from DP or get one for him - we make cards and a cake (I do usually get a Christmas present from DP and DCs but would actually rather not get anything) and just get a card for Mother's Day ....
I do do lots of voluntary work, make up the amount we raise at birthdays to a round number and constantly donate to local charities throughout the year ...so I am very very worthy Grin .. but not a vegan I'm afraid... (maybe I need to work on that...?) And don't read the Guardian or weave lentils either ...
I think the people who get it are the ones who have had the big parties - and seen the volume of presents they get...and the fact they don't appreciate them...
The lots at Christmas thing - I think it was a mistake (posted the same on a Christmas thread) and once you have it is very hard to change because it isn't coming from you - it is from Santa - why is Santa suddenly going to stop buying lots of crap? Have they been naughty that year?

The present or party thing - it isn't as vicious as that - some years they have had small things but the big party is a 'big present'- one year my DD1 got a DS for Christmas with lots of games (can't remember - some special offer?) so I kept one of the games back and gave her it on her birthday too...(she didn't know that was why!) - same for DD2.

And now DD1 is 13 she had a sleepover party (took over the house!), got presents from her friends and is getting a new phone - still deciding which one...
Yes DD1 got to keep her presents - we still have some now (Jenga springs to mind)

All the must have a present people - do you remember every birthday present you got? Maybe the odd one...but every one? Do you remember your parties?
(The only thing I remember about birthday's as a child was I remember my mum made me a mouse cake ..and we had house parties every year - only 10 children in my class at primary though)
I bet if I ask my DD1 about her birthdays she will talk in terms of parties...although she surprised me recently by remembering a cake with an octopus on it I made for her third birthday (no party - taken into nursery) ... usually I make boring chocolate ones....

OP posts:
RightsaidFreud · 23/02/2014 20:06

I for one, certainly remember my birthday parties as a child more than the presents that I received.

Stockhausen · 23/02/2014 20:07

We had a party like this recently, we did as asked but some people still took presents, some even took a gift and a donation, which surely defeated the object...

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/02/2014 20:08

I looked on in horror as the presents mounted up at whole-class parties. It is indeed absolutely obscene.

So I didn't let DC have a whole-class party, and make sure the friends' parents know how much we like books, craft materials, etc that aren't expensive and don't take up half the house.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 23/02/2014 20:09

As for remembering presents, no I don't remember most of them.

But I can tell you every single thing about the year I didn't get any.

Think on.

diddl · 23/02/2014 20:10

I don't get what you mean about Christmas tbh as your two would have been too young to remember who had how much and be thinking that they much have the same amount at the same age!

whatever5 · 23/02/2014 20:12

I don't directly donate my birthday money from my parents to charity

If you don't "directly" give your birthday money to charity then you keep it for yourself. The fact that you do things for charity (like many of us) is completely and utterly irrelevant. What a hypocrite.

polythenespam · 23/02/2014 20:14

So you don't get them a present and to really rub it in, they can't have one from their friends either?

That's one of the meanest things I've ever heard

betman · 23/02/2014 20:15

I don't remember individual gifts but I remember the excitement when I got them. My parents didn't get us much for birthdays but always got us something.

I would probably still take a small gift as I would feel sorry for the child.

Pepperglitter · 23/02/2014 20:17

I think yabu. My child likes choosing gifts for his friends. Even if we give his friend money ( quite often now at 9yo this is what they want!) then I want my money to go to the child to chose something they want. I would be very annoyed to know my present to the child had been donated to charity.

If you want to support charities, do it with your own money.

RightsaidFreud · 23/02/2014 20:18

But if you received an invite that said 'please don't wear red' would you really turn up wearing something red? I don't see the difference!

Beavie · 23/02/2014 20:18

I am shocked at this thread. I have never heard of anyone doing anything like this, and I feel sorry for your kids. It is the norm in this country to give birthday presents, especially to children. They have a whole lifetime of birthdays being a non-event as adults, so why not indulge them as kids? I know my dc look forward to their birthdays because of the presents, and no other reason. Unlike Christmas, it's THEIR big day, not to be shared with anyone else. The party and the cake are part of it but that's not the main event.

I am a single mum and about as skint as it gets, but my dc always have presents and a party (and a cake!). I'll happily go without to make sure that happens. It's part of the magic of being a child.

Needless to say, YABVVU.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/02/2014 20:21

YABVU. So your child gets a party but no presents, from anyone? Awful.

I was skint last year, so the choice was party or presents. They both chose presents!

PikaAchooo · 23/02/2014 20:23

I think YABU. If a parent wants to buy a child who's party their child is attending then that's entirely up to them.

I personally wouldn't do what you have done with regards to a party or present but that's your choice. However I think it's a shame your DDs friends aren't aloud to give her a small gift.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 23/02/2014 20:29

Poor kids!

Waltonswatcher1 · 23/02/2014 20:29

I think it's totally pointless asking what we think !
You seem happy with it . The issue is ?

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