To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

How is having 50 children attend a party materialistic/the height of consumerism? DS, 29 in his class (should they all attend), with the remainder being DS's first cousins and other children with whom DS has remained friends since nursery. The invitations to his classmates make clear that the whole class and DS's family and friends have been invited, so they already know to expect a high number of people. The majority of money spent is on venue hire, which I am happy to do as it goes to the nursery and helps them continue their fantastic work. My family all pitch in to help decorate, provide food and clean up afterwards - it also gives us an opportunity to get together and catch up. I find that we don't generate very much in the way of general rubbish - most of the waste is recyclable or can be composted, and we dispose of it accordingly.

I think class parties are great for younger children - they get to socialise en masse outside of school hours and have a shared experience to talk about come the next school day. I also get to meet as many as possible of DS's friends and their parents (as a working parent, I do not often get the chance to do this at the school gates, so it's great to meet them in one go). We have lots of other opportunities for intimate get-togethers - I'm always happy to have a few of his friends round to our house and/or take them out over the course of the year (and I find that their parents, having met them at DS's birthday parties, are happy to oblige). I am sure the older he gets, the parties will reduce in size. For now, he is happy to have the whole class, and so are we.

Whether or not we have a party for 50 children is a separate question entirely to whether someone thinks forcing a gift on someone (which is what it is, especially when it has been made clear that the person neither needs nor wants any because of the sheer amount of stuff they already have) is a good thing.

I just think the OP wants to be seen as different and special - and wants to make sure everyone else knows she is, too. Everyone must be made aware she is soooo worthy, and donates to charity too...perhaps Im being a bit wicked but thats how Id feel & Id roll eyes at a mate who couldnt simply accept a present/allow a present for a child. Puts me in mind of a post I read (not sure if here) where an OP wouldnt allow her DS to have chocolate, made sure this was widely known and parents hosting kids parties were also told, too. Until 1 day she turned up slightly early to collect him from a party and saw another child slip him a chocolate biscuit...he was literally shaking with pleasure as he ate it and it shocked her into allowing him the occasional chocolate. & he didnt die. Nor did the sky fall in or Armaegeddon ensue.

OP just say your child isnt allowed any big presents but small gifts are fine, but if charity donations are preferred then thats welcome. Dont make a great big song and dance about being worthy via your child.

Blimey .
Just caught up on this thread and I am a bit surprised its still rumbling .
I don't mind the no pressie thing , its the self praising that gets my back up .
I always thought it was a rule of living that charitable works not mentioned by yourself .
Anyway , my golden rule is to always be busy elsewhere when there is a large kids party . Why inflict misery on myself ?
Like weddings . It's all me me me .

Im still vaguely wondering whether OP donates the birthday cheque she receives yearly from her parents, to charity...

Thank-you for answering my question, Narcissa - that sounds utterly reasonable to me. And I like your written English, too. There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the vast resources of the English language to their greatest extents and to their best effects, IMO!!

so how will it be different to the kids being sent to nursery?

Here are some mean posts on this thread. .

My heart sinks at the thought of our first class party present pile next month. I am a hoarder. I have a big family. The presents at Christmas really stress me!

But is rude to tell people to give to your choice of charity instead of bringing a token gift.

I enjoy thinking of something nice to give to DC's friends with the DC. When they came to play here, what did they love? What has been mentioned lately in the playground?
I do remember opening presents as a child. It was exciting!
You are sounding petty and controlling to complain about someone bringing a present despite your rules and instructions.

I think if you, as an adult, ask your friends to donate to charity rather than buy you a present then fair enough.

I think if you're inviting the whole class it's OK to say don't worry about gifts on the invite ( I'm assuming that you and the family will still come up with a few goodies so the birthday child has something to open )

I think getting the hump with people who don't conform is seriously weird and rather controlling - they haven't poisoned your dog or spat in the trifle, they've just spent a few quid to make your child smile!

It's not about you, it's not your birthday, it's their special day, don't piss on their chips just for the sake of showing the world how rightious you are.

Everything feckless has said!! at 'spat in the triffle' - brilliant!!

I think a party with 50 odd kids sounds like my own version of hell, my dds party for her 8th bday she had 7 friends and went bowling, they all had a brilliant time. She had two friends come back for a sleepover and they all really enjoyed watching her open her presents and it was lovely to see. If you don't want a ridiculous amount of presents - don't have a ridiculous sized party!!

You're hiring the nursery for 6 hours, Narcissa???

So the entire nursery class go to nursery, they're not allowed to bring presents or make any nod to the fact that it's a birthday party, and the only thing different from just another day at nursery is that you'll cut a cake and sing Happy Birthday at some point? (in case you're unaware; this generally happens at nursery on kid's birthdays anyway, and the kids are perfectly well aware it's not a "party"... )
Does your child realise it's supposed to be a party?

A 'Bussmans holiday party' for tinies....

The nursery is a relatively local one - however, I never said it was one that my DS or his friends attend (they don't). Most of the local community (myself included) refer to it a nursery but really it is a centre that provides free/subsidised childcare for children (0-11) whose parents work but cannot afford usual childcare costs. The majority of children that attend the centre are nursery age though

The centre hires out spaces for corporate events and birthday parties. For the latter, they have special play areas kitted out for children. The main purpose of those areas was for the children cared for by the centre and for SN children and their families in the local community who either could not or did not feel comfortable attending other local playcentres. The former get to use those areas every day, the latter now have somewhere that hosts private sessions for them at least four times a week.

The centre can only afford to carry on the work it does by way of government funding (which has been reduced in recent years) or donations. If DS has stated he does not need or want any more gifts, why accept more stuff just for the sake of it? Better that money spent goes to the centre - that way, everyone wins. DS has a lovely party in a great space (and can continue to do so for as long as he wants to and as long as the centre remains open), guests get to enjoy the party and the centre carries on the good work that it does. Most of the parents I know who also hire out the centre for their children's birthday parties do exactly the same thing.

I would pretend to misunderstand the narcissistic message of the invitation and take a present for the child anyway, because oops. I would also accidentally personally hand the present to the child.

If the parent wants to get their personal jollies by robbing a child of its birthday presents you can at least fail to support that.

Why would you deliberately ignore the request from the host like? I was the same when my DS was younger and just didn't want any more stuff in our lives. When DS was Christened we put 'no gifts please' on the invitation, (nothing about a charity) most people respected our request but a few ignored it and I know people don't like the word 'tat' but these gifts really were 'tat' and I hate to think about the money people wasted buying a gift.

Why is it so hard to understand that some people just don't want (or even have room for) any more stuff? Fine, if you don't like the charity request, ignore it, but don't give a present if it is not wanted.

And yes, I made exactly the same request at my own 'big' birthday party recently. If that makes me and my family 'worthy' then I would prefer that to being considered materialistic.

I've not read all the thread, but my ds2 is early December birthday and ds1 is October, so what we do is have a sort out of older toys and they go off to the charity shop or local kids hospital. I would never deny them presents on their birthdays, especially ds2 as he's so near to Christmas! I give ds1 now he's a bit older he choice of big party or big day out or smaller party and smaller day out, he still gets a present though! You strike me as very mean and controlling and the type of parent who thinks they're better than everyone else!

likegulliverstravelsbutmorebit, I fail to see how you can presume to know what is best for my child, especially when he is not being harmed and if he and I make it clear that we disagreed with your stance - although, make no mistake, I am his parent and therefore, I am entitled to make decisions with and/or for him. My DS would smile and thank you, and at the end of the party hand it over to me and ask if he could donate it to the nursery or our local charity shop, not because he is ungrateful, but because he doesn't want or see the need to accumulate things just for the sake of it.

Of course I raise DS with my values - don't all parents? I just don't see how charitable values (in the absence of unreasonable self-deprivation) are a bad thing. DS gets a lot of money from my family, and gets to choose what to do with it. He knows he can ask for a toy if he wants one (within reason - at 3yo, he asked for a life-size speed boat(!), whereas now it's mostly Lego purchases), and it's not restricted to birthdays and Christmas. He will sometimes splurge on a new Lego set, other times, he'll want to scour eBay for specific Lego pieces to build something he has seen online. He (and this surprisingly came from him, after I told him what I was doing with my birthday money!) has a standing donation to Cancer Research (both his grandmothers lost their lives to breast cancer), and he sometimes asks to buy gifts for his friends (again, not restricted to birthdays or Christmas either) - I check with the parents to make sure it's something their kids would like/need, and then DS gets to buy it for them. His friends also get to do the same for him.

(I don't admit this to him and won't do for a while yet, but any money he gives to charity or spends on friends, I put aside an equivalent amount in a special savings account which I don't touch - for me, it's a record of his generosity and it makes me happy to see that amount grow year on year - I'm sure he'll be pleased to get a nest egg at the end of it - that, or give it away (which, at this point in time, I wouldn't put past him!)).

We are lucky enough to be financially comfortable and I had worried that my DS would grow up to be spoiled and entitled, but he hasn't. Don't get me wrong - he has much more than most children of his age and is by no means a saint, but I'm proud that he recognises that there is no need to accumulate things just for the sake of it. It might make you see us/me as 'worthy', 'mean' or 'controlling', but I have no problem with that We enjoy our parties and so do the other willing attendees, DS gets a reasonable amount of gifts (money/toys) in the course of the year and the centre gets money it otherwise may not have.

Like I said before, I'm happy to disagree with people on this thread, and will leave it there (pretty much like the OP has). It's been an interesting debate, that much I'll say!

Just caught up with this thread, it does make an interesting read.

I don't get this thread, my kids, especially the boys, wouldn't have been bothered if they didn't get presents from their friends when they were younger. They loved their parties though.
They got all the presents they wanted from family.

You - I wonder if it is more a 'boy' thing then, I too have DS who had zero interest in presents and even less interest in choosing presents to take to friends' parties. He loved having a party or an outing and even now he is a teenager we have organised a big 'outing' type event for a load of his friends plus the dreaded sleepover.

NarcissaPoetica - Having read your flowery worded posts about the saintliness of your son and your strong moral values i was very shcocked to se that the kind people who bought your son birthday presents last time will not be invited again. My children are grown up now but there were always one or two parents of their friends who had similar controlling views about how their children should behave. On the whole the children parented in this sort of way have turned out into rebellious and troubled teenagers and young adults. Trying to turn your son into a saint will seriously backfire.

The attempt to present one's child as saintly, obscenely large birthday parties (the more the merrier to see how revered and envied in equal measure host should be), and presenting oneself as an absolute beacon of moral values is quite simply just a form of showing off. Nothing more, nothing less. Its as necessary to some as air

I think it depends on a few things. One is the charity: if it's say for the school PTA, or a local children's hospice, then I can see the point. With other charities things get more problematic. Look at the furore over the Samaritan's Purse, for example - and if it was an anti-abortion charity, or an Israeli support one (DH is Jewish and would be vehemently opposed to that; he's not a supporter of Zionism on a range of fronts) as examples, I'm afraid I would point blank refuse to donate. I'm also very sceptical of micro-finance initiatives, for example, which sound great but have some very serious issues alleged against them.

I can also see the point if the kids are very small - at 4 and 5 the toys are really overwhelming if the party is a big one, and I don't think small kids process that volume of new stuff well at all. My son had 46 presents at his last b'day, because we had a whole class party, plus friends from playgroup plus family. It was bloody insane, and we actually held some back for his Xmas stocking because there was no way he could process that volume. I'd have loved to ask people to just bung some cash towards the venue, actually, which is a charity in itself for disabled kids. Brilliant indoor and outdoor play areas with a range of activities, masses of space, and great kitchen facilities too - so fab, lots of parents of able bodied and NT kids hire it at weekends for parties. It's a really, really great community resource, and relies a lot on donations and fundraising, and nobody could object to it as a charity, I don't think. But it never crossed my mind. At that age, too, parents choose the presents, it's a big hassle, and you have to either buy something your kid already has, or they want it for themselves. So no harm, no foul in suggesting an alternative (though I would still have phrased it as a welcome option, rather than flat out request).

If they're older, I don't actually think it's fair on their friends. It's fun, selecting gifts your friend might like, and it encourages generosity/altruism. And it sets your kid out as different, which they mind more and more as they age. I also assume older kids have smaller parties, as you can't bung them all in a venue and let them go wild in the same way, so it just seems less appropriate and more impersonal - plus it's a genuine deprivation for your child at that age, which at preschool and Reception years I don't think it is.

And I would never, ever deprive guests of a party bag. They love them, and I think childhood treats are important. Nor would I ever suggest the party is the present - it's transient, though lovely. I think kids deserve a day that's all about them, in a way Christmas (rightly) can't be. Christmas is different, in that it's reciprocal and universal, and in many ways all the more special for it. But a birthday is about celebrating your child's life specifically, and I think gifts they can keep is a nice way to do that, myself.

MistressDeeCee, we had a whole class party because DS is one of the oldest in the year, and I wanted every kid to get at least one party invitation that term. It wasn't as expensive a party as plenty far smaller at say soft play are, because I paid a single-cost venue hire, and then did the catering myself. Huge parties aren't necessarily expensive, and honestly needn't be about showing off. I just have memories of being the new kid a lot at school (frequent moves) and not getting asked to many. I don't like the idea of little children knowing parties are happening, and not being included. (Once they're older - and I mean, 6 plus - then I think far smaller ones, doing a fun activity, are the way forward.)

Well as a Christmas day baby who never had many birthday parties I think your idea a little sad for the kids. I used to get birthday and christmas presents from family on the actual day which was fine but spending the rest of every single year going to other peoples parties and buying them presents when I knew the reverse would not be happening made me feel left out and a little wistful every single time. Its hard enough that you have to wait a whole year for any sort of special day but then to also know your friends won't be doing that nice thing of thinking of you and getting you a little gift is sad. I would never have dreamt of saying anything to my parents about it because that would have shown me up to be 'selfish'. I hope your kids don't feel the same but I suspect they would feel it difficult to be open with you about it if they did.