To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

I still want to know if the OP would do things differently if her DC's birthdays were in the summer.

(If she's answered that already, then I've missed it in the back-and-forth)

This is arse about face in many ways.

This is not about you but about others and your children and i'm afraid you don't really have the right to dictate what they feel they want to do

It also doesn't teach any life lessons about dealing with consumption so is ultimately tokenistic and therefore about you looking 'good'.

How very worthy of you.

Poor kids.

perfectstorm that sounds pretty normal to me. It isn't the kind of showing off party I'm referring to, however.

More along the lines of what eastdulwichbedwetter said

It also doesn't teach any life lessons about dealing with consumption so is ultimately tokenistic and therefore about you looking 'good'.

Did OP ever say whether she donated her yearly birthday cheque from her parents, to charity?

I think she said she donated them 'indirectly' - which means she makes charitable donations at some point during the year, that May amount to similar sums to her birthday cheque.

But if course, she spends the actual birthday cheque on something she wants. This indulgence is supposedly balanced by charitable donations at other times.

The equivalent would be allowing her dds to have presents at their parties, and then to choose to donate a similar number of toys to charity.

I am willing to bet that, if they were given the option to have a present from their parents, and a party and presents from their guests (even if they have a big party), the dds would choose this over the current system. If asked by a neutral party.

I hope you have the same rules on your birthdays.

Hmmm.
I think you can do as you please really.
But fwiw.....

I am overwhelmed by the volume of toys in my house. Christmas, flanked by their birthdays leaves me struggling for storage solutions.
And I think that parties and cake are lovely and celebratory.
I agree there is a vulgarity to the massive mound of presents at a party.
I also hate party bags
But.
But.
I think those issues can be tackled without a complete birthday present ban.
I personally think Christmas is the more "natural" time for minimal gifting and thinking of others. IYSWIM.
So Imho, easing up on the volume of stuff at Christmas, and letting the DCs have a birthday present from family and close friends would be more comfortable.
If you're having a party with 30 kids attending then I think I'd be tempted to let them off gifts, maybe collecting for a charity if you prefer.
I like the idea of a spending ceiling like a fiver tops. I remember the maltesers thread and am hoping that this catches on before my DSs first big party.
But family's gifts are different.

YABU. Donate your own money to a charity of your choice. Don't donate someone else's presents to charity.

And don't make people feel they must donate to your preferred charity instead of one they'd choose themselves.

Yabu, it's unfair to put your charity values on your children and those who wish to give them presents.

Could someone please link the Maltesers thread? I remember enjoying it the first time and being heartened by human nature.