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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 19:13

No way would I make such a decision on behalf of my child. If you dislike the conspicuous consumerism that comes with inviting hordes to a party, then organise a nice day out for one or 2 friends instead. The day should be about the child having a lovely time. You have the other 364 days to talk to them about charity.

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2014 19:14

And it isn't their fault they were born so near Christmas!

Would you do the same if it was June?

And has this thread made you think again?

winterlace · 23/02/2014 19:14

Don't some of you think you're being a tiny bit over dramatic? Sorry I am risking a flaming here. But I had no parties or presents after the age of 7 as my mum was seriously ill then died and dad was a bit crap really.

Perhaps the loss of parties and presents just paled into insignificance next to losing my mum but honestly it didn't bother me . Seriously our dad forgot our birthdays twice (my brother and me that is) and we found it funny sending him on a guilt trip! He then gave us some money.

I think the ops dd will only be distraught and heartbroken if someone tells her she should!

PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 19:15

I am rather hoping this is a joke or reverse thread too Sad

jamtoast12 · 23/02/2014 19:15

Most people get gifts at Christmas but birthdays are the one day were its special just for them and the whole emphasis is only on them and not everyone else, that's what most kids love about birthdays and presents are a huge part of that.

zeebaneighba · 23/02/2014 19:15

Ha yes I can, me and DS are both boxing day! Can be overwhelming but I do what my parents did - open everything then pop a few away quietly for later in the year. I loved my birthday being on Boxing Day and I'm determined DS will too Smile

verdiletta · 23/02/2014 19:15

Pretty much exactly what trashcanjunkie said.

winterlace · 23/02/2014 19:15

Trash I don't mean just kids stuff , DH gets loads of stuff at Christmas!

TippiShagpile · 23/02/2014 19:16

Party OR presents? Really?

Oblomov · 23/02/2014 19:16

I had this for the first time recently, when ds1(10) was invited to a girls party.
I thought it was lovely and so did everyone else afaik.

SoftSheen · 23/02/2014 19:17

YABU to not buy a birthday present for your own child, especially when you can easily afford it.

PortofinoRevisited · 23/02/2014 19:17

Winterface, that is even more sad, of course. But this is someone actively CHOOSING this course of action.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 19:17

no i dont think i am being dramatic at all if you have birthday parties for children ( i didnt have many as a kid neither did the dds) then you expect to take a gift , and to say oh they get to much i dont want the friends tatt in the house so we will donate to charity then it is sort of taking away the nice gift giving/receiving experience imo

Bowlersarm · 23/02/2014 19:17

winter that is sad for you. But circumstances dictated what happened to you in your childhood, beyond anyone's control. It was what it was.

The OP is dictating her own terms willingly on her DC.

RubyrooUK · 23/02/2014 19:18

I think this strategy is fine if your children are happy and have lots of gifts already, OP.

But I would feel a bit odd being asked for a charity donation as a birthday guest. I have two DC and lots of friends with children so we buy zillions of presents each year.

With two children in full time nursery and major house repairs to save for, if someone doesn't want presents, I would rather they just said so. It would be a huge financial relief. I don't have enough money to spend just for the joy of it at the moment.

I have direct debits to charities I support and volunteer with a mentoring organisation so I'm not unwilling to give to charity or be kind to others. I just wouldn't choose to pay out any more than that in charity donations at the moment as we have such a right budget.

Also, I tend to pick up little gifts that I know certain children would like when I see them on sale throughout the year to be economical. The charity donation would be on top of that and I would feel way too mean not to put in money even if I couldn't really afford it.

But I would probably just pay up and smile. It's not necessarily a bad idea, just wouldn't appeal to me.

bodybooboo · 23/02/2014 19:19

I would assume this was all about the parents trying to look cool at the expense of their child to be honest.

diddl · 23/02/2014 19:19

Presents or a party?
Never heard of that at all!

RubyrooUK · 23/02/2014 19:19

"Tight" budget, not right budget. Smile

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 19:20

I think that too body it is all very right on isn't it

TippiShagpile · 23/02/2014 19:21

It's all a bit worthy tbh. And all about you to be frank. Very sad.

Periwonkle · 23/02/2014 19:21

Yes and can't help imagining what the party would be like.

winterlace · 23/02/2014 19:21

My mum dying was obviously outside of anyone's control but our dad 'chose' not to make a big thing of them.

It isn't sad - it's just he was different to my mum. And OP is different to some of you.

I mean I am not a Jehovah's Witness but would you say those children's situations are 'sad'?

winterlace · 23/02/2014 19:22

Of birthdays I mean sorry

SpookedMackerel · 23/02/2014 19:22

So what you're saying is that you buy your children an excessive amount for Christmas...

...and because of that you are denying your children's friends the pleasure of choosing a small gift for them for their birthday, because you have no room for more gifts?

It does seem a bit controlling - seems like you have to be the only one who buys things for your children, and that everyone else buys such a load of crap that it has to be disposed of immediately in the charity shop.

AphraBane · 23/02/2014 19:23

I really can't imagine the DC are wholly into this. Birthdays for children are not about logic, not about rationally saying 'oh yes, we have enough stuff so no presents makes sense'.

My mum's birthday was on 27 December and she hated people forgetting her birthday but then handing over a single present for Christmas and saying 'this is for your birthday too'. She was by no means a grabby or selfish person, but the experience of not getting birthday presents just because of when her birthday fell was deeply scarring for her - it wasn't about the present being large or expensive, but more about the idea of getting a little something to open that someone had taken the trouble to buy - and wrap - for her.

I don't like the abundance of materialism these days, but we get round it by trying to make at least some of our DCs' presents practical and useful, albeit much wanted. New bikes, a trampoline, horse-riding gear, a new desk, a duvet cover, clothes, a musical instrument are all either birthday or Christmas presents with us.

When DD2 is invited to someone else's party we always ask if they would like a specific present, or if we could go shares with other guests on a larger present. Often the party child will mention a book or CD, the kind of 'smaller' present that parents often don't buy. And at parties round here (not in the UK), the opening of the presents is a favourite part of the whole thing - they spin a bottle to see who gets to hand over a present next and then everyone goes 'ooh' when it's opened. The guests love it as much as the party child. It's not about greed - in fact the average spent on presents here is probably way below the UK - but more about the fun of giving and seeing that your present is appreciated.