To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Hmm. I feel sad for the birthday child and can't really explain why, tbh.
Also I would find it a bit tricky as a parent as I have a present cupboard and buy things for it when they are on offer, so would find it much more of a PITA to find some spare cash for a party than to just go and pick something out of the cupboard.

Your children will be disappointed if they don't get any birthday presents. The worthy charity collection might make you feel good.It won't make your children feel good though.

And how will they get anything if they never get presents.? I bet you serve carrot sticks and homous don't you? And - oh wow - they get a cake? Brilliant.

I don't think the OP is being at all unreasonable.

Her child, her choice. I am sure that if someone posted to say they couldn't afford their child's birthday present everyone would be quick to reassure!

We don't do Santa at Christmas (although we do buy presents) different people do things differently.

Will there be presents in pass the parcel by the way?

I am struggling to find the words to say why I don't like this as a general idea. There is alot about it that I agree with in principle. Many of our children have a vast amount of stuff that they don't really need (so do I actually). I give alot to charity and do alot of fundraising throughout the year and encourage Dd to join me in this, I think people are going a bit OTT with parties, party bags etc, feeling they have to invite everyone etc.

However, I think what irks me about this is that you have decided this for your daughter (s) and I think the suggestion about having a collection for charity rather than presents should come from them or from you as a suggestion. I also think saying that you do this partly because their birthdays are after Christmas is mean and wrong. As one with a birthday just after Christmas (which I hate!) I think it is very unfair to celebrate this any less generously than you would a birthday later in the year.

One thing that does piss me off about this is you saying that it's because their birthdays are just after Christmas. Mine is just before and my parents always made sure that it was celebrated in its own right and didn't 't just get lumped in with Christmas festivities.

Same here.

Would you do the same if their birthday was in June?
Do you do the same for your birthday?
Do they get Easter eggs?

You also give the impression that as soon as your DC are given presents they head straight for the Charity Shop.

Your plan is good/worthy/kind etc.

But joyless for your children. Where has all your clutter come from anyway?

I can't say I agree with it no, but I do think its a bit rude if you have clearly said "no presents" for someone to turn up with one anyway

I think choosing to not buy your child a birthday present is a bit mean tbh.

Look, you know the amount of crap that accumulates after Christmas - can you imagine two birthdays on top of that?!

What I think would be nice would be for both DCs to have a treat day later in the year. DD is a December birthday - beginning of though - and we will let her choose a day in the summer holiday where it's all about her and she can do/ have what she wants, within reason.

I would second the idea of smaller parties if you feel a bit sick at the sight of all those presents. I understand what you mean about that. I know someone who had 65 children to their twins party and all brought a present for each. It was bonkers!

One of the things I like about my DS getting presents from other people is that often they’re things I wouldn’t think of myself and he might not think of either. Sometimes he doesn’t want them - and then the charity shop is my friend! - but sometimes they’re a big hit. So if you don’t have much local family and they tend to send money, to me that’s a reason to accept presents from friends.

I never did whole-class parties though, and I think that for huge parties presents can get out of hand and it’s not too unreasonable to do something else. But if someone did bring along a present that would be fine too. And I would ignore other parents disapproving, they do things their way, you do them yours.

If your children are happy about this, I think it's a great idea. We have parties but TBH, often I wish folk wouldn't bother with presents - especially when we've had 20 odd guests. But, I would hate my child to feel sad about it and that they were so different from their friends.

I think some Mumsnetters have spacious homes

We have a 2 bed flat. I love this idea!

well not everyone is going to agree. seriously if in all this time you have only had one parent object you are doing well.

My kids have been incited to parties like this and I once tried to do it myself - it really didn't work. I found it confused people and it ended up being a bit awkward even though I was friends with the parents of the kids. People understood why it was being done but they AND their children (?) still wanted to bring a present.

It was a big. Mistake when I did it and I think it was a mistake at the other parties my kids went to where this happened.

I would go with the idea that you can do ate any presents to a local hospice or charity.

To be honest this feels to me like you are getting to make a posturing ethical stance at the expense of your child. It allows you to feel smug and good about yourself whilst making absolutely no input or sacrifice yourself to earn said smugness.

And all I can see in your post is 'I think', 'I decided', 'It makes me feel'. It's all about what you want rather than what your daughter wants.

And re you not giving her presents, she has only 'agreed' to this because you threatened not to give her a party if she didn't.

I feel incredibly sorry for her. Birthdays don't matter when you are older, it's something that is only really special in childhood and you're denying her that experience purely because it makes you feel good and it's what you want.

I'd be irritated if I saw that in the invite to be honest. Point of getting a gift for the child's birthday is that you are getting something the child will enjoy and make them feel good. The child may have been persuaded that they would rather have a party than presents, so fine, say no presents. No probs with that. But when you then tell me that I should donate to charity, which has nothing to do with the child (unless they came up with the idea themselves not just that you let them pick which charity) and everything to do with how you want me to spend my money, that would irritate me. I give plenty to charity without needing to do it to make you feel good.

Yabu i think its not 'your' day to decide really. Do you feel the same about your own birthday and xmas presents?

I also think it's telling that you're asking if you're being unreasonable to the other parents rather than your daughter. You don't seem to have considered her at all in this.

This is all about you. There are easier and less insulting ways to teach your children whatever lesson you are teaching them. It is insulting to the other children who might like to spend time and effort thinking of something nice for their friend. It is insulting to their parents who might feel that their hard earned money has gone on "stuff". Sanctimony isn't charitable.

Being brazen about your choice isn't the correct way to do this. Let your children keep their presents and you quietly donate a sum to charity. If you can't afford it, invite fewer people. Heck, don't have a party at all! Just invite three or four close friends for a meal and give the money you would have spent on a party to charity. Or, accept the gifts and them take them to your local children's hospital /refuge/charity shop yourself.

You betrayed yourself with the reference to Xmas. Your children shouldn't be made to suffer your life choices at this stage. This is too much like that thread about a woman who wants to raise her kids on a raw vegan diet...

You are being so unreasonable.

Hope it's a joke thread. I suspect not. I feel for your DC

I could understand it better if your dc were getting a birthday gift from you, but no present from you and no presents from their friends seems mean, frankly.

I really hope you are right that your dc are truly happy with this arrangement, but I am absolutely sure that I would have felt dreadfully unloved if my parents had done this - my birthday is just before Christmas, and my parents did try to keep the two separate, so my birthday felt special. It was only when I wanted a pair of boots that was too expensive to be just for my birthday that I had a joint Christmas and birthday present.

My mum was also very good at guilting me into things, and making me feel like I couldn't tell her my true feelings - one year, the main present in my stocking was yarn and knitting needles so,I could knit a scarf for my dad. I did actually dare to tell her that I thought this was unfair, and it was a present for dad not me - and she offered to give me some money instead, but then guilted me into keeping the yarn etc 'because your dad would love to have a scarf that you knitted for him!

It is always hard for a child to be the one who is doing things differently, and I always worry that they will resent this, especially when it is due to their parents' beliefs, not their own. Your family is your safe place (or should be), and I worry that children won't challenge their parents on things like this, where it is based on their parents' deeply held beliefs, because they are afraid, on some level, of disappointing their parents or making them cross, and thus making the foundations of their security unsure.

This reminds me of an episode of The Inbetweeners. Neil is asked what grow getting for his birthday and he says his dad is getting him a party. Jay says, 'You don't get a party for your birthday. That is the crapest present ever."

It is slightly oh look at us we are so worthy we eschew mere presents preferring donation
Up to you,but don't expect others to want to contribute to charity,or like the rules
Traditionally minded will want to give gift,not donation