To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OMG - seriously no presents from family? That really is mean, tight and downright shameful! My birthday is a couple of days after Christmas and my mum and dad made sure it was celebrated in it's own right - with presents!
Your kids may say it's OK with them, but they'll go OTT when they have their own kids to make up for it.
I think YABU - but each to their own I suppose.

Agree with SDTG.

I also don't think the OP wanted our opinions either. I think she's not content enough with wanted the whole school to know how wonderful and giving she is, she is also wanted a whole bunch of other people to know how great she is. Hence her opinion being exactly the same on page 1 as to what it was on page 13.

I wonder if she gives her birthday presents to charity??!

YABVVU, but it seems as though you will carry on BVVU despite canvassing our opinions. You are being far to worthy at the expense of your DD's. I would be very surprised if it did not come back and bite you in years to come. The whole thing makes me very

We do this with my DD but with a few exceptions, her party is her party not a present, she get presents from us and the grandparents and close family, when she has her party we put a note in the invite saying if you want to help DD raise money this is the charity and any donations will be welcome but please no additional presents. If people do choose to buy a gift instead that is their choice and I would never stop DD from having, enjoying and being thankful for what she gets, gift or donation.

I feel really sorry for the DD. She's basically being deprived to allow her mother to feel good about herself.

She shouldn't be so smug, there's nothing to be smug about if you're not the one making the sacrifice.

Not making the sacrifice AND not being the one making the donations! But, no doubt, getting a lot of the gratitude and kudos when the money, or items bought with her DDs' friends' parents money, is dropped off at the local charity...

Bollocks - there are none so blind as those who will not see...
I can only repeat myself so many times ...I asked why would someone have a problem with it -I really didn't understand why they would - I've said I get why now - they don't get the motivation
I have laid out in detail the reasoning behind it more than once...

(unless people haven't read the thread?)
I will say again I won't change what I do (unless someone comes up with a better suggestion?)

but yes I'm mean, yes I'm miserable, yes I am self-centred, yes it is all about me, yes my children have miserable birthdays and lives - except none of that is true ...

...but think I might word it on the invites a bit better, make it clearer there is a tin and they have a choice whether to donate or not...

Do you do the same for your birthdays, OP?

Unlucky - are you 100% sure that your dc are happy to have no presents from friends, and are you equally sure that they could tell you if they weren't happy, confident that you would listen to them?

On this thread, you have come over as rather inflexible, and highly principled, and it is my worry that, if that is how you are in real life, your children might not feel able to tell you the truth about how they are feeling, if it runs counter to your principles.

My mother was a very strong character, and that made it extremely difficult for me to approach her about anything - and often, when I did, she simply overwhelmed whatever I was feeling, and left me no choice but to go along with her. Maybe I am projecting, but you would hate, surely, to find out that your children couldn't approach you.

OP you can get as irate as you like but people are reacting emotionally, understandably.

For myself, I do have a problem with you saying you don't 'directly' donate your own birthday cheques to charity. Most of us on here (I assume) donate to charities, and we don't think we are in any indirect way forfeiting any birthday money for this! But your child has to do so.

Moreover, I think it's rather grand to give any kind of direction to guests on what they can or can't buy for a bloody small child's birthday party! I'd be really quite taken aback by this request.

And I come from a hand-wringingly over-thinking MC area too!

Never seen the like!

Marmalade I said upthread - I don't spend my cheque on anything special just goes into the 'pot' so if I wanted to say that paid for a donation I made I could...but equally it could have gone towards the council tax or gas bill...or even a treat for my DCs!
SDT - I honestly think they could say ... I do give them a choice -big party no presents - smaller party and presents ...
When they don't have the big parties they do get presents from their friends (and us) ...and they have had big shared parties in the past where they have got presents (so not awkward for the child they are sharing with)...so I am not such a tyrant ...

Why are people getting emotional about my DCs birthdays? They are happy, their friends and their parents are happy, I'm happy - just one person seemed to not to be - so I was trying to find out why...

Instead I keep getting told the reason I do something - I say no it isn't -didn't even think about it like that -now I have I am aware I need to be clearer ...I keep getting told yes it is ...
As to 'gratitude from the charity' to me - if I could do it anonymously I would - but then how would someone be able to check I wasn't just keeping the money for myself?

I just wonder why if you are happy and their parents are happy and their friends are happy why do you care what just one person thinks? They are in the minority surely and if you were that concerned about it, why not just ask them?

Sorry I just re-read where you said you didn't, I must have missed an entire page out.

Oh dear.

"As to 'gratitude from the charity' to me - if I could do it anonymously I would - but then how would someone be able to check I wasn't just keeping the money for myself?"

You can make a one-off bank transfer payment to many charities. Do it that way if you truly want to be like Jesus. If anyone asks, you have proof.

Cos they have never openly said 'I don't like this' ...and not a parent I know that well - so a bit difficult ...
If you had doubts about someone paying a charity donation would you like to ask them directly for proof (as DD1 would say - awkward) - this way if they do they can check with a third party - and I'd never need to know...(this year will be a bank transfer anyway)
Ok - my birthday cheque - thinking about it - last year I would have topped up DDs birthday collection by more than my birthday cheque (more than usual because we were buying things and overspent) - and no I don't tell anyone that before anyone has a go - so lets say I added my birthday cheque in too...if that makes it all alright!

yeah but most of us donate to charity. big deal. i never think 'here is my birthday money. i will now tell the donor i am giving it to charity'.
you should do this if you make your kids do it.
and donate presents to charity

When I said 'reacting emotionaly' I don't mean people are weeping over this, I mean their reactions are emotion-based ie they empathise/sympathise with how a kid might feel about this.

And yes exactly what I said, mercibucket. I donate to charity, I don't consider any presents I get or money I receive as somehow translating into an indirect charity donation when I donate - that's complete lunacy!

Do your kids get stuff throughout the year?

I haven't read all of the thread - but enough of it to get the general jist!

What happens if your kids need a new bike/ scooter/ book/ clothes/ lego/ playmobil/ dvd/ arts and crafts stuff??

My dd (8yo) has a party and presents for her birthday which is 6 weeks after Christmas and sometimes she has ended up with a lot of stuff but it is a good mix of lego/ craft stuff/ clothes and sometimes money - which she chose to put into her savings account. However she does not get any other stuff randomly throughout the year - if she wants anything in particular she would have to buy it for herself.

I don't get why you would want to take gifts for your children away, i am honestly if dd came home with an invite like that I would ignore and buy a gift anyway - if I subsequently found out that gift had been 'donated' to a charity shop I would be very

I can seriously see your kids coming to you when they are older and saying 'wtaf was the no presents for my birthday all about?'

i agree it is lunacy, eeetheygrowupsofast

worse because as adults we get birthday money plus our salary monthly. for kids, their only chance for money to choose stuff independently is xmas and birthdays, maybe with pocket money or maybe not. it is super mean to make them donate it all. titheing was only ten percent

You have your cheque to decide how you spend it; on your children, groceries or give it away but your children have no choice, it seems. Can you really not see the difference?

Yes they get stuff throughout the year - said up thread - DD2 probably will need a new bike this summer - if she does she will get one...no problems
Their money from the family cheques they get in cards is to do what they like with it...
And the reason my brithday cheque is being translated into a charity donation is because people said it was hypocritical of me to keep my own birthday cheque and expect DD to do a charity collection - I said I don't normally keep track -don't usually buy anything special for myself with it ...and if I wanted to say that is where that money came from I could -so I have donated my birthday cheque!

That is the most crazy 'logic' I've ever heard OP.

Your birthday cheque has not directly or indirectly gone to charity!

Most of us donate to charity and do not consider that anything that comes into our bank accounts, whether salary or birthday cheques, can be passsed off or translated into 'a charity donation'.

Do you not get that? It's actually offensive what you're saying!!

"if dd came home with an invite like that I would ignore and buy a gift anyway - if I subsequently found out that gift had been 'donated' to a charity shop I would be very "

girliefriend, once you have gifted an item, it is no longer your place to dictate what should happen to it. Also, perhaps you should show some manners and display common courtesy by respecting the original request to not buy a gift.

Why are you even receiving a birthday cheque in the first place and not just asking the giver to make a direct charitable donation?

If they did it at Oxfam, you'd even get sent a card saying what your money has bought.

I wouldn't mind if they were a teenager and could make their own informed choices, but I think for younger children it's exciting to get and open presents. If you feel it's a waste and don't want a stack of presents, don't invite a stack of kids. Or don't have a party at all. Donate to charity whenever you like, without advertising it to people.