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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

436 replies

unlucky83 · 23/02/2014 17:48

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 25/02/2014 09:15

Because it's not enough for op to do good, mrsjay, she has to be seen doing good Wink

YouAreTalkingRubbish · 25/02/2014 09:19

Flogging. I think that's an unfair thing to say - there is nothing to say that the OPs intentions aren't good. Confused

Floggingmolly · 25/02/2014 09:22

Maybe, talking. It just seems a little ostentatious to me.

mrsjay · 25/02/2014 09:25

of course giving to charity is good but the op could just not have a birthday party for her children asking other people to give to charity is showy and looks admirable , people don't do it on purpose to be show offy it just is

fuckwittery · 25/02/2014 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ahlahktuhflomp · 25/02/2014 09:33

Even better, why don't you have presents given to DC buf then have a raffle at the end of the party and give them all to the other children.

Better still, let everyone give DC presents, then after the party feed all of the presents into a tree pulper and point and laugh.

Worst idea ever, pretentious wank at the expense of DC happiness. Also, buy the poor little mites some presents :(

SaucyJack · 25/02/2014 09:43

there is nothing to say that the OPs intentions aren't good.

It's easy to have good intentions when it isn't your money you're giving away...........

mrsjay · 25/02/2014 09:46

not everybody can afford a donation for a kids party to charity some parents buy little presents the whole year round this sort of thing is all about the parent at how giving they are we don't need presents lets give to the poor and unfortunate. we all can do our own bit for charity without donating other peoples money, ordinary people like to give gifts or not they don't like to be told they HAVE to donate to the childrens ward , it is ridiculous

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 25/02/2014 09:50

Your kids are children. On birthdays kids receive presents. This is known by children from 2 up.

I wouldn't mind if you did a tin alongside. I'd buy say a cheaper present and a couple of coins in pot. A token for an idea.

However you don't do that. You remove all presents. This then is not about your child it's about YOU. What you want. Your 'ethics' your desires your attitude your image how your kids reflect you. Nothing here remotely sounds like them.

Therefore that has to be one of the most passive aggressive oddities I've seen. For that YABU.

Only1scoop · 25/02/2014 10:07

To be honest many of what has written been about....

Her past birthday experiences....

Also

"I only support small local charities"
And her charity work.

Her making "two birthday cakes with love"

Havn't been able to gauge what her daughters may/may not think....

Because it's all Op's ideals which are reflected in her thread.

Only1scoop · 25/02/2014 10:07

Sorry I meant Op not 'her'
Very rude and uncharitable of me Hmm

Original poster
unlucky83 · 25/02/2014 10:43

Narcissistic Parent - didn't know what that was ...looked it up and I don't think so ..I'm far far from perfect, lots of faults but really not that...

I really didn't know why people might object - and now I have a good idea...the thing about it all being about me isn't right...but now I get how that looks - it was more logic - after thinking though the options.

Your DC wants and has a big party - that means that they get lots of presents but they don't really need any more things. This isn't one or two - even 10 - more than that... Some things they may already have, some they will never play with - they are inundated, they don't really appreciate them....they can't even remember everything they got... It actually becomes a bit of a problem...
so...
As a parent you can send the presents to charity shops - or keep them and give them to someone else for their birthday (this to me seems more than ungrateful). If you (parent or child) ever found out that had happened to a present you bought you wouldn't like it -your present had been the one rejected? One of the unwanted ones? or would you really not mind?

You can say no big parties - but if the child insists they do want the big party (even though they know no presents) and they are still young and fickle enough to be playing with different children every week the list is quite big anyway ...then you look at the class list...that's a whole other thread..have read them on here - only my child not invited to a birthday party etc - an absolute minefield - surely you want to avoid making a child (and another parent) feel hurt & excluded ...and if that means inviting a few extra (if you can) - why not?

You can say no presents - full stop - I think some people will feel uncomfortable with that - sure they would - I would - like the taking a bottle to a dinner party?

You can ask for money towards buying presents for your DC, letting them choose something they want or need - as I illustrated earlier that would offend some people...(and someone has just mentioned the pony fund!!!)

Or you can try and help a charity - people feel they are contributing if they want to, they don't have too...their choice but at the same time helping someone/something else ...

I thought the best solution ...wouldn't/couldn't offend anyone ...obviously I was very wrong!

(I have just done the Thank Yous with pictures of animals from the charity they have helped (cute ones - not the horrifically injured ones) so they do know what it was for - feedback was my DD and the other children had a really really good time too! - still seems like a win win to me...)

OP posts:
MarmaladeShatkins · 25/02/2014 11:20

OP, are you one of The Modern Parents out of Viz?

Original poster
unlucky83 · 25/02/2014 11:26

Not one of the modern parents from Viz - they are so much better parents than I am - they are what I aspire to...Smile

OP posts:
MarmaladeShatkins · 25/02/2014 11:43
Grin

Seriously though, I think you're being a bit mean.

Why don't you just do a pound card thing where each party-comer pops a quid in a card, then your child ends up with thirty quid or so. Then you can ask them if they'd like to donate it to African goat funds or if they want to buy a super soaker and a 5kg bag of Haribo? If you've raised them right, they'll choose African goat fund. Wink

Hullygully · 25/02/2014 11:48

Have only read the OP.

Good on you, more people should be like you.

MarmaladeShatkins · 25/02/2014 11:56

Hully?

Is that you?

Confused
YouAreTalkingRubbish · 25/02/2014 11:57

Unlucky. I think your reasoning sounds sensible enough (but then I tried a no presents at all party.) Confused It all a bit of a minefield.

I suppose you just have to make it really clear that you are not trying to tell guests what to do and that making a donation to a charity is totally optional and they can buy a gift if they or their DC prefer.

I think it is ok to tell a child that you don't mind giving them a big party but that you don't want piles and piles of toys. There are plenty of threads on MN with posters complaining about large toys or crap toys being given to their DC usually by evil MILs. There was a recent one about a MIL giving a dolls house to her DGD. Not everyone has room for piles of toys.

One of my DC once received three identical gifts - and it was a puzzle that he already had! There were only about 10 kids at the party Confused. My kids definitely didn't see gifts they received at their parties as being important. It was the party itself that my kids loved.

Ubik1 · 25/02/2014 12:24

It's Hully

The santa assassin

Hullygully · 25/02/2014 12:28

Ubik - Destroyer of Christmas Magic acksherly

mrsscoob · 25/02/2014 12:36

Unlucky you sound 100% behind your decision which is great. If you are happy, your children are happy and all the other parents are happy then wonderful!

It does make me wonder though, why you felt the need to ask Confused

Ubik1 · 25/02/2014 12:48

I hope you had a good think about your behaviour on what was the loopiest thread I have ever seen Grin

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 25/02/2014 12:50

My fear is that the OP is so committed to this idea, and to the principles underpinning it, that her children may not feel able to tell her if they are not happy with it.

And as others have said, it is ONE day of the year, when they get to be the centre of attention, and there are 364 other days for the OP to live her principles. It seems mean to make their birthdays so worthy.

I bet they have noticed that other children go away from their parties with piles of gifts, and I bet there is a little bit inside them that wishes that they did too. But if their mum is full of crusading zeal, it could be very difficult for them to tell her this - and to be honest, I suspect she would guilt them into having the charity collection, even if they did summon up the courage to tell her they wanted the presents!

She certainly hasn't come over, on this thread, as being at all flexible or willing to listen to others!

givemeaclue · 25/02/2014 12:54

Parties and presents should be fun. Chill out and enjoy op, it's not supposed to be so angst making,you are over thinking it

monkeynuts123 · 25/02/2014 12:58

Op don't you like your kids?