To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Dead right, Narcissa. The unmitigated cheek of some people, arriving at a child's birthday party armed with a present.
Ban the bastards!

Narcissa, are you all there?

I would imagine that people who brought along gifts assumed that your request for no gifts was as a courtesy to the guests (not wanting guests to fork out) but decided that they'd like to give a gift.

The entitled fuckers.

I can understand your point about the amount of stuff in the house. My Ds has a birthday just after Xmas and wanted a party. I groaned inwardly about the amount of presents, but the sheer joy on his face opening every single one made it worth it. He also has played with every single one. The favourite one was probably the cheapest, a Spider-Man that you threw at the wall and it climbed down.

I put a couple aside thinking I'd bring them out later in the year, but he remembered every present and asked what had happened to x, y and z presents so I brought them out again.

I feel quite sad for your DC that you are depriving them of the joy of presents.

My final post here.
To the OP, I think you should continue to what you feel right. I can see you do it with good intentions. You asked if we thought your actions would offend people. I don't think offend is the right word. Instead I think they probably make some people feel uncomfortable....because they like to give a gift they chose,to a child they know, rather than money to a charity they have not chosen. Whils you tell them they don't need to give, they actually do feel obliged and don't like being made to feel like that.

To Narcissa, I find your attitude more confusing and offensive than the OPs. You clearly don't want presents, but willingness to simply dismiss those who bring a gift, because they think your child will enjoy one, seems heartless and lacking in empathy.

I generally agree that large parties generate too many presents. I don't think huge parties are necessary and that if people really want them, they only need to happen once or twice. Huge parties in my mind do generate huge consumerism from the party giver.....from the often high cost of the party itself, to the food and partybags, to the pile of presents which then appear. Personally, I favour a smaller, simple party, so I as the party giver, am not engaging in huge consumerism. I however plan it carefully so my children and their guests have a brilliant time. I am very happy for my children to receive whatever is brought for them as gifts. They receive enormous pleasure from both the party and the gifts. I think 5 or 6 close friends at a birthday celebration and the same number of gifts given by a few good friends gives them as much pleasure as a pile of 20 odd.
We all have to choose the nature of our parties to fit our budgets and what we sense our children will enjoy. Long live the party, I say.

Narcissa did you mean to sound so pompous abd self-righteous?

You're forgetting the party is supposed to be for your children- you're going to ban their friends for the crime of bringing a present. Do you ask your children if they are happy with this?

I don't recall my son ever getting an invitation saying no presents. If he had and I'd noticed I'd have assumed it was simply being polite that presents aren't necessary not a royal command.

If we did get such an invitation I'd almost certainly have forgotten in the usual last minute rush to get to the venue on time via the nearest Sainsburys to pick up a card, felt pens and a nice notebook (seriously is there anyone alive who doesn't like getting pens and a nice notebook).

The more I've been thinking about this thread the more irritated I am about the "voluntary" contribution to a charity of the OP's choice.

yabvvvvu - children should get presents at their birthday parties. I'm actually ok with you saying to your child we can throw a party or buy you a present, but I think its actually incredibly rude to tell people who are guests at the party what to do with their own money. If I wanted to give money to charity I would. I'm happy for you to ask me to sponsor/donate to a particular charity at a school fete, fun run etc, but not in the context of a child's birthday. I assume you give presents to other people when they invite your children to parties? Perhaps instead suggest that small/token presents are given in the friendship group or that all contribute to one present instead of getting individual things.

No, I had made it abundantly clear that they weren't to bring gifts. The three parents who insisted on bringing gifts made it clear that they had deliberately chosen to ignore our request.

Frankly, our DS doesn't need any more toys. I have (at risk of outing myself) 8 siblings, 27 uncles and aunts, and over 50 cousins, quite a few of whom visit regularly and have brought gifts for DS over the years. This does not include DH's family either. We as his parents are also generous with him throughout the year. Bar continuously moving house or numerous trips to the local charity shops, we physically could not contain gifts from everyone even if we wanted to

Those three parents knew this but decided to override our wishes irregardless. I accepted the gifts graciously, and made the decision to not invite them this year - their presumptuousness was the height of bad manners, even if they tried to mask it as generosity. As it turned out, they were toys DS already had, one of which we (i.e. DS and I) had donated to our local charity shop a few weeks before because he felt he had outgrown it.

We are having a class party for DS this year. His choice and ours. That means 29 individual children. Add family and other children we know who don't go to his school, that means potentially 50 children. Does anyone think 50 individual presents is a good idea? Or shall we uninvite classmates who may not get the chance to attend other birthday parties of their classmates (yes, we have been to enough birthday parties to know that the same children are not invited/left out again and again)? Yes, children need to learn that they can't be invited to everything, but I see no need to perpetuate that just yet (there will be ample opportunity for small intimate parties over the next decade plus).

Still perplexed at the insistence of people on this thread that presents should always be brought. There are few parents churlish enough to deny their kids any presents whatsoever (and the OP is clearly not one of those parents, as she has said she treats her DDs throughout the year and/or when they need things). Like I said previously, if you are fortunate enough to provide your children with ample things (toys or otherwise), why simply accumulate more toys from others for the sake of it?

I understand generosity - wastefulness, I don't.

You've managed to make yourself sound even more pompous and unpleasant in your attempt to explain yourself, Narcissa (ooh the irony).

I would bring a present to a child's birthday party even if told not to. It would just feel wrong not to bring one. If that's the height of bad manners then so be it.

Narcissa oh dear, did you read that last post before pressing "post message" So many polysyllabic words. I'm not sure what you meant to "perpetuate" but the sentence featuring that word doesn't make sense.

@ Narcissa you sound quite the charmer. And a desire to be 'the Queen' - "he who obeys my wishes shall come to the ball^

Nice.

You might think so. I much prefer to bring up a child who understands the pleasure of receiving gifts but does not develop a wasteful attitude of receiving or expecting more gifts than they could ever want or need just for the sake of it. I am content to disagree with you and others on this thread who subscribe to the latter.

OP, I used to think a bit like you. Too much stuff, unecessary, cluttering up the house etc.

Then I came to my senses.

Childhood is short enough as it is and I want to make sure my dc enjoy every minute of it. Birthdays are so important to dc, if that means a pile of presents and plastic tat that makes them happy then so be it. I don't want them to think that my dislike of clutter is more important than them.

Most children don't 'need' any more toys. But so what? Have a clear out, give away old toys, don't stress about too much stuff. Let them have their pleasure.

If you don't want so many presents, do away with that modern phenomenon = whole class party. Bet most children would prefer a smaller party with their actual friends (and presents) than a big party with no presents.

YABU

Rather rude of you to mock my English Caitlin17. For someone who isn't a native English speaker, I think I usually fare pretty well.

I think OP is money laundering and we should all protect ourselves from this in future. Be it, birthdays, weddings or anniversaries.

Yes it probably was rude but if you're going to write in that style it makes you a bit of a sitting duck when you get it wrong.

With up to 50 guests, I can absolutely sympathise with you wanting no presents, Narcissa! If all of them brought gifts, it would be madness.

Can I just say, though - crossing those three children off the guest list seems unkind, because it looks like punishing them for the actions of their parents. Does that seem fair to you?

Could you not consider inviting the children - because if they turned up with a gift, it wasn't their fault? Would three gifts be the end of the world, if it allowed your dc to have their friends at their party?

What would you do if your dc told you that they'd be really sad if their friend wasn't at their party? As I asked the OP, which would be more important, your dc's happiness or your principles, and making a point of your irritation with the parents?

Narcissa why on earth are you inviting 50 children?
It's going to be impersonal, overwhelming and just awful I would think for the majority of the kids! Your DC (and his guests) would enjoy it much more if you just invitea few of his best friends and do something special

Kids like giving presents as much as getting them. How mean. Poor kids will probably grow up and be very generous to their own kids to compensate..

In what style Caitlin17? In English? I'm more than happy for you to disagree with the substance of my argument or to explain why/how you think my use of a word is wrong in a specific context. Mocking my written English though just for the sake of it is rude, unnecessary, churlish and potentially a personal attack (which, last time I checked, was not allowed on this board). However, I won't report your comment - much better for your rudeness to be displayed for all to see.

Luckily SDTG, our friendships with those families have petered out over the year (for reasons in addition to their insistence on disregarding our wishes last year), so DS won't miss the children this year. If the children were good friends of DS, then yes, I would have invited them and would have made clear to their parents that their gifts would be donated to the nursery. If the parents then decided to not let their children attend, that would be their decision to make.

And coco44, I don't think it will be overwhelming - we had the same last year (and the years before) with a similar amount of children and it was great - the nursery has both indoor and outdoor play areas and is large enough to accommodate all those people. I understand people may need a bit of flexibility on timings (though I find this is needed less and less as the children get older), so people can arrive and leave when they wish within a 6-hour slot. I let people know on the invitation what time we plan on cutting the cake, but it is not a must for them to be there for it unless they wish to. Again, that's just the way we did things where I'm from and it means we get to include everyone.

In any event, my point was that I could see where the OP was coming from and saw no reason to mock, attack or deride her position.

unlucky83, I wish you and your DDs the best and hope you raise a lot of money for the charity you have chosen.

Narcissa your style reminds me of letters written by party litigants and barrack room lawyers. They never use one word if they can use 3 and never use a single monosyllabic word if 3 polysyllabic ones will say the same thing. It's intended to impress but the point can usually be made far more effectively in simple language.

Phrases like "override our wishes irregardless" don't help in making your point.

A 6 hour birthday party for 50 children and their parents?

Blimey. I think presents will be the least of it.

Caitlin17, it's simply the way I speak and write English. You are more than welcome to rephrase my posts in a manner you would prefer, but I don't think I have encountered any problems on this thread (or, in fact, on this website) in making myself understood. It may not be the way you were taught/choose to speak or write, but as long as I am not insulting anyone and am able to make myself understood, I cannot see why you think mocking my (written/spoken) English is justifiable.

Mrs - exactly! 6 hours and 50 children and she is worried about some posters approach to materialism/consumerism...