To have a chairty collection instead of presents at my child's birthday parties?

[unlucky83]

My DCs don't get a birthday present - they get a party instead. They have a great party ...creates memories... and I don't have to buy them something just because it is their birthday (they are both just after Christmas anyway)... I think a great experience...only one problem - presents!
When DD1 had her first big party I hadn't even thought about it - then after I watched her open 20+ presents and honestly it made me feel a bit sick - it was just too much and although the presents were lovely they weren't really needed...we have too much 'stuff' anyway (clutter everywhere) and whatever someone buys if it ends up in a charity shop it is never going to make what was paid for it...
I then decided that if she was going to have a big (whole class) party that she wasn't going to have presents as well but in case people felt they should contribute something we would have a charity collection ...
And we stuck to that until she started having just a few friends - except when we had a shared party (would be awkward for other child)...and it worked well
Now DD2 had a couple of shared parties when little but for the last three years has had big parties on her own (she now has girl only parties - unfortunately most of her class are girls so still not small!).
She has agreed to the arrangement, she wants the party instead of a present and gets to chose the charity to support - I give her options (small, localish ones). In fact last year she had great fun because we collected for the children's ward at the local hospital and they didn't want cash (too much hassle accessing it apparently) - so she got to go mad in Mothercare choosing baby toys!
We put a tin out and say on the invites 'no presents please, there will be a charity collection' - if people feel they want to contribute fine, if not no problems and even if they put money in the card I have no idea who contributes or doesn't or how much they put in...
Another parent always ignores the no present rule and from a couple of things she has said she obviously thinks it is wrong....
(other parents do understand -in fact some have 'copied' my idea)
So am I being unreasonable?
Have I missed something that might offend someone?

Hi. Interesting, as I have never heard of this with childrens parties.

I think it is one thing as an adult to say, please don't give me a birthday/wedding/anniversary gift...please contribute towards X charity,or but me an Oxfam goat, but it is different when it is children.

I do understand that most kids have too much tat and you can look at it and feel it is almost obscene. You could also view the having of large, excessive parties in the same way. I might cut conspicuous consumption by reducing the party size and numbers too. This would also reduce the number of party bags,meh in are also usually full of unnecessary stuff.

Even if the children have been given a choice (and surely they are pretty little still, if you are talking about very large parties) I do wonder about how free they feel to choose....but I accept what you say about them making the choice.

I would not like my child to have absolutely no presents, from either us or friends or other family. I would prefer them to have a slightly smaller party so they also got a gift.

So, I guess my question is about what you are trying to achieve.
Are you trying to reduce the amount your child has? Are you trying to reduce the amount of tat in the world? Are you trying to be ethical and reduce overall spending? Is this about your child or a wider attitude towards consumption? And where does the having of big parties fit into this?

Not quite sure what I think overall....might come back a bit later when I've thought about it or if OP feels able to answer. my questions.

Gawd! Some posters are like a dog with a bone with this thread The OP has said she will be donating her birthday check how she does it is of no concern to anyone but her.

But ChocolateWombat, don't you see how strange your suggestion is i.e. if you don't want any gifts, have a smaller party - so essentially, leave people out who you would like to invite and your children would like to see just to help others feel better about being able to give gifts which are neither wanted nor needed in the first place.

I still find this thread bizairre..

You aren't going to change your mind so I see it pointless debating it..I see no point why you posted it as seems you are going to do what you are going to do...

I have missed the middle but IMO..I would chuck out the hoard and get some more up to date presents for your children.

A party is not all about gifts but yes they are nice and why don't your kids deserve nice things?

Kids can be very manipulated at a young age we ..They often agree with what an adult says there values because they are taught that...

Yes you do charity work but because there are people suffering does not mean your children don't get to enjoy the nice things in life...You can receive and be greatful..

I also hate people telling me what charity to donate to...If you want to do this why don't you ask people to make a donation to charity themselves rather than it been a charity you decide

"You aren't going to change your mind so I see it pointless debating it..I see no point why you posted it as seems you are going to do what you are going to do..."

To be fair, the OP did ask why someone might be offended by this, not whether she should do it in the future.

Unlucky

I think money in a card would be seen as bad form here - (Know from shared parties - just the odd gift card from Waterstones)

Why would money in a card be seen as bad form?

This thread has given me food for thought.

I do have a personal question though - we are throwing a birthday party for my child soon, as the child wanted a party at a specific and costly place (well costly when your inviting the whole class) as a result my child won't be receiving a gift from us as it's either gifts or party ( because we are also going to disney the day after the birthday).

So is it ok just to allow a birthday child presents from their friends or is this mean too?

Shouldn't have put 'too' on the end btw. I was not trying to insult the OP. I apologise for any insult caused.

I personally wouldn't have a problem if a parent requested charitable donations and have done this with my own occasions in the past.

No Reindeer, that's fine!

Your DC will still have something to open on their birthday.

I think it's the not allowing any presents from anyone that's a bit mean-spirited.

samlamb, as a few of us have said already, £1/5 euro parties are really taking off now! I don't think it's bad form at all and don't know why OP thinks it is? I'm going to do the £1 party thing for DS (but will stress that it is ONLY if the party-goers wish to give something) I'd be bloody chuffed if I was asked for a mere pound for every child's party that DS goes to!

Narcissa, I made my comment, wondering if the OP is trying to avoid conspicuous consumption.....one element of this could be seen as children getti g heaps and heaps of presents. Another aspect of it could be seen as having very large parties for huge numbers of children involving lots of expense, food, party bags etc.
Personally I am not especially against either. Was trying to understand the OPs motivation behind saying no presents and give to charity instead.

If children are very little, I agree that you might want a big party, so no one is left out. However this does not have to be 'big' in terms of expense. I know people who have had whole class parties in a Church hall, costing £15 to hire for 2 hours. They don't have an entertainer, but do lots of games and give a sweet as the prize, very very simple party food and a party bag which probably costs 50p. They can have hoarders of children and they all seem to have a great time. I think the OP meant large in terms of numbers and expense.

I think a lot if people find giving to a charity not of their choice, instead of giving a gift uncomfortable, whether it is for adults or children. As someone said, they prefer to give to a charity of their own choice. It can also make people fee under pressure to give more than they may spend on a gift (I know the OP clearly said she takes no notice of how much anyone gives or does not give...but I still feel it makes some people feel awkward)
If the OP doesn't want gifts for child, I think it would be better to say so and not bring charity into it. Should be aware though, of this also making people feel uncomfortable about attending without giving a gift....people feel they are contributing/covering the cost of their child that way....might not be correct, but people feel like it.

Final thing, I think it is important to make guests feel comfortable. I'm sure the small children attending dont bother about it all one way or another, but the parents do and adults do in situations when they are invited to parties. If the OP is keen for charity to benefit, perhaps she should consider making a donation herself, as part of her party planning expense.

Once children reach about 6 or 7 I have found the large parties (in terms of numbers) significantly reduce, so this issue is fairly short lived anyway. Once only 5 or 6 are coming, can't see any prob in receiving. Few presents. OP can give to charity if she is keen. Not sure it is helpful to make others feel they must.

IMO, if a child is offered the choice of party and Disneyland vs. party and a present from parents, then that's fine because it's their choice to make. The reason why some people are saying it's mean because the OP has not given them a choice about getting presents from friends.

candy coated....well summarised.

Makes me think of the Oxfam Goat present. These have evolved over time, because of how people felt about giving to charity instead of giving a gift.
Initially you could give you £10 or whatever and the recipient got a picture of their goat. Turned out both giver and receiver did not like this all that much, although both giver and receiver felt they ought to like it.
After a couple of years Oxfam introduced a scheme where people paid their £10 and recipient got picture of a smaller goat, along with a small gift of ethically sourced chocolates or a scarf...or whatever. Both giver and receiver liked this more. People like to give and receive an actual physical thing, not just a donation to charity. Oxfam actually raised more money, not less from the newer scheme.
Also reminds me of years at work where people have been asked to put money in a charity pot and not send Christmas cards. Again, people feel it is worthy, but miss sending cards. I don't think it is our job to persuade people to give to charity over giving presents. If we are heavily involved in local charities we can make friends and family aware of them, but I wouldn't muddy the charity giving issue with that of gift giving.

People do like to give a gift. It is a cultural norm here. People like to treat the birthday boy or girl and think of the pleasure the carefully chosen gift gives them. Children perhaps more than anyone enjoy getting a gift. I think it's this denial of both the giver and the child recipient which makes people uncomfortable. It is possible to instigate the £1 gift idea or as they get older, to keep the party numbers down. This seems better to me.

Any child Ive known with 'worthy' parents..the type that wont allow their little one any sweets or treats, no presents for bday theyve got to know the value of things...hasnt stuck with that as theyve grown up. So whilst its nice to be 'worthy' with good, ethical values just dont take it too far...its your choice not your child's and they probably just want to be like other children with the occasional fun and excitement of present, treats etc. Children dont think like adults and nor should they, so Id say it should be about them 1st & foremost

YABMMU.

re birthday cheque

in future, i suggest you clearly state to all gift-givers, in advance, that you would like a donation to charity in lieu of your own birthday present

to do otherwise would be hypocritical surely. set your kids the example you wish them to follow.

i wonder if perhaps you actually dont want to do this.maybe you just feel it is bad form, not the done thing. perhaps you think the gift-giver would be upset? does it seem a bit worthy? i wonder . . .

What a waste of money all those parents wasted not knowing you would take the presents away. Hope your DH takes half of yours away as fairs fair

I always believed if i bought a child a present it was for them to enjoy and discard when grown out of or used up. MN has taught me either the parent will deem it not suitable, confiscate it as they dont want things in their house, use the gift vouchers or cash themselves or regift to others.

Its never crossed my mind to take his party gifts or his vouchers, they were given to him not me. If he has a rare duplicate or something very similar he takes it for the wet play box at school so he can use with his friends.

Narcissa unless the child had written the invite and I was 100% convinced it was the child's wish ( not the parents) that instead of a gift they genuinely want money in to be donated to charity, I would ignore as I think it is bizarre and frankly quite cruel and unnecessary to do that to a child on their birthday.

Likewise if the parent took the gift I had given to the child and stole donated it to charity of course I would be massively pissed off - it is sod all to do with the parents!!!

"Stole"? When do you deem a gifted and unwanted present as "stolen"? After one day? One week? A month? How utterly ridiculous and self-centred.

I shall keep an eye out for that attitude at DS's party and make a mental note not to invite those parents and their children again (those who, contrary to our entirely reasonable request, insisted on gifts last year have already not been invited this year). Then again, if they felt so strongly about going against a reasonable request, I would hope that they would simply RSVP and decline to attend. Luckily, the majority of people we know were raised with good manners, so I'm not too worried about this year's party.

Taking something from someone else without their consent is stealing as far as I know

If your child decided for themselves that they didn't want the gift and decided to donate it to charity I would be mildly annoyed that I hadn't got them something they wanted. However if the parent decided for the child that the gift is unwanted and took it from them then I would be

I think the comment about you deciding who can and can't come to your DS's party just about sums it up!!

It is not all about you horror!!

Narcissa, I find your last post really odd. Are you really saying that if a guest came to your party with a gift, when you had asked for none, that you would not invite them again? Are your friendships or those of your children worth so little?

I understand you don't want gifts. People don't always have the same values as us, yet we can continue to socialise with them. For many people, giving a gift to a birthday child gives them huge pleasure. They do it for this reason, not to be rude and I'll mannered towards you. They don't understand your thinking and so they do what seems kind and generous to them. I can see it isn't what you want, but is it really worth cutting them off for?
It makes me wonder exactly what is behind all this. Such a strong reaction against people whose only wrong was to buy a gift for your child (perhaps in their busy lives, they never even noticed your request for no gifts) indicate its all about something beyond gift giving.

At least you won't have to worry about next year's party Narcissa - you and your child won't have any friends left anyway with your delightful attitude.

Threy are your children's parents from their friends.You don't come in to it.What right have you got to dictate? If you want to donate do it with your own resources,Quietly. Not this ostentatious child-bulldozering gesture.
Charity is a matter of personal conscience -not something you force people into.Your stance is quite likely to put yuour DC off charitable giving in the future.

It's mean to deny your child and their friends the joy of sharing presents. Children I work with often want to tell us adults what present they gave their friend at their party because they took pleasure in choosing and giving their gift and it makes them feel good to have done a nice thing, even when it is the expected norm.

I also don't like being told which charities I should be donating to on behalf of other sanctimonious people. I give plenty of money and time to charities of my own choosing, and if other people want to donate to charity they should do it out of their own pockets. There are quite a few seemingly worthwhile charities that I don't want to give money to, and I'd resent being made to feel like I had to or risk being seen as tight.

It's bad enough that children are targeted by charities already, especially when it's done though schools and things that nearly every child will want to participate in.