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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate this expression?

191 replies

ginbin54 · 23/02/2014 15:26

The expression "full time mother" drives me nuts! It's as if when you leave the house to go to work you stop being their mums. We are all full time mum's whether we are stay at home or have to go out to work.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 23/02/2014 18:11

That's an honest post waxing

Tbh, I'm really quite shocked at some of the anti SAHM posts that pop up regularly on MN. I would say that amongst my circle, for want of a better phrase, I am fairly typical. Some of my friends work in both high powered jobs, and more menial jobs, but probably most of my friends don't.

Most of my friends/people I know wouldn't impose their opinion on others. It is whatever works better for your family set up.

And it is hardly as if you don't have any conversation/opinions at parties or dinner parties or when talking to the DC's teachers etc. The little SAHM with no conversation seems to be a stereotypical view on here, relying on their husbands for monetary handouts. Very puzzling to me.

I don't come across prejudiced comments in RL.

everlong · 23/02/2014 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 23/02/2014 18:12

I hate the term 'full time mum' as much ax I hate the term 'housewife'.

mrsscoob · 23/02/2014 18:18

Does it really matter what someone wants to call themselves? I wouldn't for one moment think that by someone referring to themselves as a full time mum meant that they were insinuating that I was a part time one because I work! I would just think they had little kids and no job. I am amazed how people can make so many things all about them

RufusTheReindeer · 23/02/2014 18:20

everlong yeah! you know I was joking about checking with my husband

I should have put some grins there, I keep forgetting!!,

My bad everlong Grin

I think the SAHMs are being very restrained!!

everlong · 23/02/2014 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

everlong · 23/02/2014 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenofKelsingra · 23/02/2014 18:26

So to condense the issue - Full Time Mum implies that mothers who work are 'part time mum'. on the flip side Stay At Home Mum implies all I do is 'stay' with my DC.

I would call myself a Full Time Mother and Housewife as that is what I do. I work full time (plus overtime) at raising my DC and managing the house for my DH. I do not just 'stay' with my kids, I entertain them, feed them, clean them up, take them out, do arts, crafts, cooking etc with them. I also clean, cook, and do all other household chores. I treat my life as a full time job and therefore I will refer to myself in that manner.

I think it possibly says more about your own insecurities if you feel offended by the term. I use it to explain how I feel about what I do, not as a judgement of what you do.

MollyHooper · 23/02/2014 18:29

Very restrained.

I normally never post on these type of threads. I just lurk and roll my eyes but there are certain posters who seem to appear on every thread that has any mention of SAHM's just to bash them.

It's beyond bitterness, they are clearly insecure about their own choices otherwise why attack other peoples so much?

RufusTheReindeer · 23/02/2014 18:32

everlong Grin

I have never been slated for being a SAHM and I have never slated anyone for being a WOHM

I have only ever seen that on Mumsnet!

I did know a lot of SAHMs but as our children get older they are beginning to get part time work. Some of those who have been in part time work for a few years are upping their hours

Until recently I only knew one person who worked full time

Lottystar · 23/02/2014 18:33

Restrained because I don't want to criticise another woman (and her families) choice to work, as much as I think they should respect my right to stay home if that's what suits my family. Both roles are hard and we should support each other not criticise or think the other has an easier lot. What people call themselves is rarely a vindictive attack on those who would chose to take offence for whatever reason.

WitchWay · 23/02/2014 18:36

I describe myself as "a housewife who goes to work" as I do 100% housework/shopping/cooking/cleaning 95% gardening 30% car maintenance stuff. I'm part-time & DH is full-time.

It's a professional job too!

Nocomet · 23/02/2014 18:49

Otherwise, I'd have to use house wife and if you saw the state of my house.....

LouiseAderyn · 23/02/2014 19:25

Sahm here ( for want of a better description) of 4 dc, who are all in school.

Firstly, I want to say that education is never wasted, whether you use it to directly generate income or not. I benefit from my degree every day, not least when helping my dc with their GCSE and A level homework!

I don't 'live off my husband' - we divide up the necessary work between us and play to our strengths. His is in earning more money than I would have in my previous career and mine is in taking primary responsibility for our children and home.

I have chosen a life where I don't have to work my arse off all day, then come home and work my arse off all evening doing all the house and kid stuff. Same for dh. Of course, there are downsides to sah, just as there are to woh. Nothing is perfect.

My children will grow up learning that it is important to be able to earn money, but also that there are choices in life and it's okay to do what suits you personally.

lechers · 23/02/2014 19:25

I think my issue with the term, is that for any term to have meaning, it has got to differentiate itself from other words, otherwise it is vacuous. So, for the term "full time" to have meaning, there has got to be "not full time", otherwise the term "full time" is meaningless. "Not full time" is part time. Therein lies the problem.

So, women use this term to mean that they are with / look after their children 100% of the time. So for that phrase to have meaning, then it must imply that anyone who is not with their children 100% of the time, is not a "full time" parent (aka part time parent). Therefore, their husbands (who work) are only part time fathers. Same as mothers who work - if 'full time' means with children all the time, then women who are not with their children full time cannot be described as such. This would mean any one who works (even the smallest of part time jobs), children who attend nursery or children who go to school. Yet I know women who describe themselves as "full time mothers" when their children go to nursery and school.

Then, this then becomes madness when you end up with women who work school hours, so they are with their children as much as any woman who does not work. So are they also full time mums? But then this becomes ludicrous because how can you have a full time mum that works? Doesn't that just become competitive madness???

QueenofKelsingra · 23/02/2014 19:45

louise I think I love you! I am going to write that down to give to people who criticise our choice for our family.

LouiseAderyn · 23/02/2014 19:51

Queen Smile

puddingsforsandy · 23/02/2014 20:05

If I could find a very rich husband I would never work again. Work is so over rated. The most I would do is design at home.

plantsitter · 23/02/2014 20:06

Perhaps you people who object to 'full time mum' would prefer me to say 'I am a childminder for my own children'. If you believe in parenting as a verb then you can't object to me saying I do it all the time.

And if you think that while you work out of the home you do everything that a sahm mum does - no you bloody don't. You pay somebody else to do all the bits you don't while you're at work. And presumably you are a bit less disrespectful to the people you entrust your children's care to than you are about people who do it themselves.

I consider myself a human being rather than an economic unit and so I just find all this bollocks about my responsibility to earn money quite amusing. Perhaps if dh and I paid me per hour my role would be acceptable to you.

Topaz25 · 23/02/2014 20:08

I hate that expression too! All mothers are full time mothers, whether they are at home with their children or working outside the home to provide for them!

fideline · 23/02/2014 20:11

"It's beyond bitterness, they are clearly insecure about their own choices otherwise why attack other peoples so much?"

YY Molly

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 23/02/2014 20:20

Plantsitter, i guess there are a lot of men in the world (few of them married to mners though) who claim to 'babysit' their own children when their wife goes out for an evening, so yeah, why wouldnt a woman be a fulltime 'childminder' Grin

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 23/02/2014 20:22

Me, i'm a referree! Wink
In no world am i a 'housewife' as dh does the house stuff

parkin2010 · 23/02/2014 20:35

God this is so boring!! Do you think blokes sit and argue about who works harder- stay at home dads, working dads, full time yummy daddy dads? Pathetic! I couldnt give a shiny shite what other mums do or how they class what they do.

BellsaRinging · 23/02/2014 20:35

plantsitter; maybe you have hit the problem on the head. In this context I don't think 'parenting' is being used as a verb-the word/description 'mother' is being used. That, I think, is the reason for the contention-because the implication is that one stops being a mother (noun) for the time one works outside the home. Which is not correct. However, one is not actively 'parenting' (verb). So a description along the lines of 'I look after my child full time' is less pejorative-maybe? Although it's likely to kick off on this subject whatever! :)
BTW fideline and Molly I wohm and am not 'bitter' or 'insecure' about my choice to do so-it's unhelpful to suggest all, or even most, wohm are-and inaccurate. In fact it is upsetting in the same way that you are upset by some of the generalisations on here about women who do not enter into paid employment and look after their children full time.
What I find strange is that no-one will criticise fathers who work outside the home, or don't. Why is it that women are the ones who can't win this debate?