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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to hate this expression?

191 replies

ginbin54 · 23/02/2014 15:26

The expression "full time mother" drives me nuts! It's as if when you leave the house to go to work you stop being their mums. We are all full time mum's whether we are stay at home or have to go out to work.

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 23/02/2014 17:28

fideline

"Are you a workwife wannabe?"

Well, I'm a wife that works......so maybe?

MollyHooper · 23/02/2014 17:28

What do you do with your kids when you are at work, turn the batteries off?

:o

waterlego6064 · 23/02/2014 17:28

Gosh, there's some bile on here.

I'm never sure what to say. I usually say 'I don't do any paid work' or something like that. In RL, I have never had anyone criticise me to my face for what I (don't) do. Perhaps they do so behind my back, but what they think of me is none of my business.

My mum worked F/T and supported me in my education. She always said that education gives you choices. My choice, for the time being, is not to have a paid job. I have a degree and a teaching qualification and a place on a Masters course starting in the Autumn. If I decide to have a job or career after that, then I will pursue one. If not, I will carry on watching Jeremy Kyle and going to the gym and loafing about on t'interweb. Grin But will probably balance it out with some voluntary work.

NinjaCow · 23/02/2014 17:29

YANBU. I hate the term.

But SAHP doesn't work in a lot of situations either. Maybe simply saying 'I don't work/have paid work' - if someone said that to me I wouldn't pry further, Confused

Lottystar · 23/02/2014 17:29

Incidentally my post was directed to HappyMotherofOne's last post.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 17:29

Housewife employs I am working for DH and spend my day tidying. I think he would argue that that I was breaking some EU trading standards acts if I were to imply that.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 17:30

Implies not employs! Confused

Lottystar · 23/02/2014 17:30

Also it could be said the term "working mother" is offensive. I work and I'm a mum but my work is all day at home.

Thetallesttower · 23/02/2014 17:31

This is so confusing- what's wrong with saying 'stay at home' mum then? As in 'I stay at home with my children'?

I don't find any of these phrases offensive and neither does anyone I know.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 17:32

If someone is a nurse but only works as a nurse 16 hours a week should they get annoyed when someone who does 40 hours a week refers to themselves as a full time nurse?

You're both nurses. One person is just describing how they spend their hours.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 23/02/2014 17:32

Funnily enough i dont ever hear my dh telling his sahd friend that calling himself a full time daddy implies that my dh isnt a dad when hes in work.

Bowlersarm · 23/02/2014 17:32

Lotty in that case happymummy is being intentionally offensive. She says parenting isn't work in any way, shape or form.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 17:33

There is nothing wrong with that either. Although have heard it described as embarrassing and pathetic before on MN. Apparently the only proper word is unemployed Hmm

Calloh · 23/02/2014 17:33

As Lotty said it would be idiotic for me to return to work at the moment, the childcare costs would cripple us.

My husband is ambitious, works long hours and travel overseas. When the children are at school I will not be able to rely on him to pick up any of the shortfall in overlap between the school day and the working day. I live far from my family. My husband earns well enough for us to afford for me to stay at home and too well for us to get any assistance from the government.

On top of this I put a value on what I do. I think I will still want to be here when they are at school and that I will still put a value on it then. As I value what I do, and my husband lately does to, I do not see this as me living off someone who has a dick.

Once, to my shame, I described myself accidentally as a full-time mother and cringed on the inside. Of course most parents are full time parents, I'm a housewife, sometimes I wish I wasn't but I don't judge you for your choices and would rather you didn't judge me. People should do what works for their own individual families without the need to justify.

StephenKatz · 23/02/2014 17:34

writer She's mine gerroff! Grin

In response to the original point, when someone asks what I 'do', I tend to broadly grin and say 'Nothing!' in a stupid laughing voice, then wildly stammer that I'm having a career break whilst the kids are small. Then silently berate myself for being a wanker and saying 'career break'.

ReadyToPopAndFresh · 23/02/2014 17:34

Men seem to get away with parenting with none of the angst beyond. .. It's a skill I would love to learn!

basgetti · 23/02/2014 17:36

I stay at home despite my DC now being at school. He has some additional needs and both DP and I decided that whilst he is young it is important for me to be there if needed. My DP also had an extended period off work in his twenties due to ill health so is enjoying the opportunity to now build a career, and I have been using the time at home to do an OU degree which I have nearly finished.

The decision to stay at home was made as a family and well thought out to take everyone's needs into consideration and I resent the implication that I'm lazy and forcing my poor partner to carry the financial burden. Why can't people just make the best decisions for their own families and keep their noses out of other peoples?

TheBookofRuth · 23/02/2014 17:37

I say I'm a kept woman, StephenKatz, I enjoy the goldfish impression it causes, plus it tends to stop any "really? But what do you DO all day?" comments in their tracks as they wildly speculate about what I do do.

waterlego6064 · 23/02/2014 17:39

Haha! I might start saying that BookofRuth. It seems that whatever you say is going to annoy someone somewhere, so might as well really go for it :)

fideline · 23/02/2014 17:47

basgetti ignore the cattiness. I think it is born from bitterness.

everlong · 23/02/2014 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaxingGibbon · 23/02/2014 18:02

I work part time. I admit to having been being ostensibly Hmm about sahms I know who have all their children at school full time. The 'what do you do all day' reaction that BookofRuth just mentioned I'm sure leaks out of me. Sometimes I still am, a bit.

I've been away from mumsnet for quite a long time and this has been an interesting thread to read. If I'm completely honest with myself - my Hmm reaction is more to do with me, my insecurity, my envy of some of my friends that their dhs earn enough for them to make different choices, my lack of confidence that my choices are the right ones. I'm working on simply enjoying my choice to work and - psychologically - allowing others to enjoy making their choices that are different from mine.

RufusTheReindeer · 23/02/2014 18:07

everlong what! I'm supposed to think????

Too lazy for that I'm afraid...although I could check that with my husband

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/02/2014 18:09

This is the most vicious sahm/ whom thread I have seen on MN.
Shameful.

BringBackBod · 23/02/2014 18:10

I hate these threads. They're so bloody depressing.
I have been a wohm and am currently a sah (or whatever it is I'm allowed to call myself), although I am currently looking for pt work.
I hope I find something soon, as I feel that women who are mothers and don't go out to work are looked down on Sad