Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 8 is too young to wear a crop top (in place of a vest)

268 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 22/02/2014 00:33

DD wants a "child bra". She means a crop top and said "all the girls in her class have them" (not true). I hate it but I imagine that at PE changing time there is now a discussion over who has them and the fact that those who don't are "showing their boobies". I hate the pressure to conform.

OP posts:
DuckandCat · 22/02/2014 11:17

YABU

When you're at school, you just want to fit in. Why would you say 'no' over such a simple thing that would make your DD feel more comfortable or accepted by her peers? It's not like she wants to wear a G-string or push-up bra!

I teach primary and it's more of a fashion accessory than anything else. Same as all the boys tease each other over wearing pants instead of boxer shorts.

I don't see the big deal myself.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 22/02/2014 11:20

mrsjay "it is not our bodies it is theirs"

Amen.

pointythings · 22/02/2014 11:26

Another YABU from me, OP. You are putting your own 'principles' above your DD's comfort at school. Very harsh and unreasonable of you. I hope the responses on this thread make you think again, you are NOT doing the best thing for your DD by refusing to save her embarrassment. You are forcing non-conformity on her - can you not see how ironic that is, as you are forcing her to conform to what you think is right?

AfroditeJones · 22/02/2014 11:26

I was the only one at school who didn't have a vest at this age and I really wanted one even though there was no pressure from the other girls . I just liked the idea and wanted one but my mum wouldn't buy it for me and I went straight to teen bra.
I know you are talking about crop tops and not vests, but she will still feel that you denied her something so simple and inexpensive, that causes no harm and have the potential to make her feel better about herself.
Why not?

AmazingBouncingFerret · 22/02/2014 11:32

When I see my mum later i'm going to give her a big hug.

She never gave out age restrictions on such things. She didn't want me to be uncomfortable.

YABU OP.

Nocomet · 22/02/2014 11:33

It's their bodies not ours and their peer group.

Depending on how fast they develop, their friends develope and the number of older and younger sisters their class mates have, different groups of girls evolve together in different ways.

There is, of course, a time and a place for teaching DDs to resist peer pressure and have the confidence to be themselves, but thise times tend to be obvious.

They are either things like smoking or breaking the uniform code such that you end up in detention or something your DD herself feels strongly she doesn't want to do.

motherinferior · 22/02/2014 11:37

I too just think it's not worth a row - just get her a cotton one.

I had boobs at her age and really wish crop tops had been available! Conversely DD2 is 10 and flat as a pancake; but if she asks for crop tops I'll get her some as she feels self-conscious the opposite way.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 11:41

there is, of course, a time and a place for teaching DDs to resist peer pressure and have the confidence to be themselves, but thise times tend to be obvious.

yip allowing a crop top doesn't mean you have to allow everything it is basic common sense I think,

My dds are quite non conformist so I dont think me allowing them to wear a crop top affected them greatly they didnt turn want want want because their friends had

Kewcumber · 22/02/2014 11:43

My DS is the same age. They get changed together in the classroom not separated girls and boys. Knowing some of the boys (and to be fair some of the girls) in DS's class I would absolutely let my DD wear a crop top (or anything that didn't need to be removed when getting changed. Making you child expose their body when they feel uncomfortable about it isn't going to boost their self esteem or somehow put off sexualising them, its just going to make them feel uncomfortable and awkward and possibly set them up for (at best) some heavy duty teasing.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/02/2014 11:46

I opened this thread thinking that it was too young. My eldest is 6 so we haven't hit this yet. However, having read the thread I've totally changed my mind and if my dd asks for one, she'll get them straight away.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 11:48

tis the collective power of mumsnet gwen Smile

WaxingGibbon · 22/02/2014 11:50

MrsGosling thank you for starting this thread. My dds aren't quite at this stage but will be fairly soon I think. I have learned a lot from the responses you've received. Where are you at now in your thinking?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/02/2014 11:53

I love mn for things like this though. There's so much you need to learn as a parent that you don't necessarily think of. And it is about seeing the world from your child's point of view which doesn't always come naturally. So thank you Flowers

You're a load of vipers who get on my tits the rest of the time though Wink :o

lljkk · 22/02/2014 11:58

yabu. They're just short vests, DD got one in about yr4. Fine by me.

I think my yr5 DS is the only boy in the yr group who hasn't switched to Boxers for his pants, for similar reasons. He has NO FRIENDS btw, so beyond caring about conforming, I suppose.

It's only sexualised clothing if you choose to see it that way.

cafecito · 22/02/2014 12:00

I don't think 8 is too young for a crop top

Nocomet · 22/02/2014 12:00

By nature DD1 doesn't pick up on peer pressure and doesnt care and DD2 absolutely does.

However, I've found the more I step back and say nothing, the more relaxed and less conformist DD2 is.

Weirdly both seem to be settling to a reasonably middle way with hair, make up and clothes from absolutely opposite starting points.

ProfessorSkullyMental · 22/02/2014 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 22/02/2014 12:01

YABVU. Your DD is not a baby any more and is telling you she's at an age where she would like her dignity to be a little more protected when getting changed. It would be downright cruel of you to ignore that.

My Y4 DD has had some for a while now- she specifically asked for something to wear under her karate pyjamas gi.

lottieandmia · 22/02/2014 12:05

The OP seems to have disappeared. I really hope that this thread has made her adjust her attitude in this case. There is not much that is more damaging to a child than a parent who is dismissive of their child's feelings.

Daykin · 22/02/2014 12:05

My mum was in the 'they're silly' camp. My body was the same as a boy's, I had nothing to look at, who was going to be looking? I was silly trying to be grown up, didn't I know I was just a little girl? All the mum's who bought 'things like that' for they're dd's were silly and we were much better than that. We were sensible, weren't we?

It's a fucking nasty attitude and if I ever tell my dds that wanting some sort of autonomy over their bodies is silly then somebody shoot me. My first bra was a D cup and I had to buy it myself. It's outrageous to tell a girl that 'she has nothing to look at' It's up to her who sees her body.

WaxingGibbon · 22/02/2014 12:08

Oh Daykin Sad

JugglingFromHereToThere · 22/02/2014 12:09

I would get my dd whatever kind of vest/crop top/ bra she asked for, I only wish she would talk to me about it!
I've tried asking but she says she's fine with what she has.
Possibly, now she's 14, she may have bought something herself that she's happy with. I hope so!

K8Middleton · 22/02/2014 12:09

Yabu and a bit silly. It is just a vest really but shorter. I even had one in the late 80s! It didn't turn me into a deviant or prematurely sexualise me or anything else, in fact I am a total Guardian reading liberal feminist do-gooder type Blush Grin

I did chuckle about the not buying children things they want. But my 4yo does have a tablet. Course he can't read so taking a pious attitude like the op's isn't really an option for him Wink Grin

Needsmorecake · 22/02/2014 12:15

out of interest, at what year group do they stop getting changed all together?

daykin, my mother also had a similar attitude. It wasnt great. I wasnt allowed to have my legs till i was nearly 15. Ive got dark hair and PCOS so i had a lot of very noticeable hair. It did me no favours in the fickle friendship groups of teen girls.

insanityscatching · 22/02/2014 12:25

Dd's school has separate changing areas from year four, in year six there is also the option of getting changed alone using the disabled toilet/ changing facility. Boys use the classroom and girls use the nurture room/ family support office. Generally a male staff member supervises the boys and a female the girls.