to think that 8 is too young to wear a crop top (in place of a vest)

[MrsGoslingWannabe]

DD wants a "child bra". She means a crop top and said "all the girls in her class have them" (not true). I hate it but I imagine that at PE changing time there is now a discussion over who has them and the fact that those who don't are "showing their boobies". I hate the pressure to conform.

This is completely different to a tablet and not giving in to them when they want something.

Dd aged 10 has just started wearing one, but it was me who suggested it as she is now developing. However if she'd have asked when she was younger I would probably have got her one. I don't know your dd but I know it would have taken a lot for my dd to ask me for one,but then she's very private and hates all talk about changes to her body etc.

On this occasion I would give in, they're not at all adult or bra like

YABU

I can't understand why you can't see the affect this could have on your dds self confidence if you don't listen to her. She's telling you that she feels uncomfortable , so please buy her the crop top.

Ps. If you refuse to make her feel better by buying her one then this will be something she'll remember when she's an adult. Don't put her through the embarrassment of feeling the odd one out.

ginger66 Sat 22-Feb-14 02:19:01
"I agree with you, MrsGoslingWannabee, getting your child something 'because they want it' is a crap attitude to have and a crap attitude to teach your children. If you hate the pressure of conforming, then just don't conform. I found that when you actually talk to your kids and explain why you don't think certain things are a good idea, that they usually accept it and understand the reasoning. She's old enough to understand about being an individual and, if she gets teased, you can explain to her about standing up for herself. "

This was very much my mother's attitude. The only problem was, it taught me nothing about standing up for myself as an individual. All it taught me was that I had to conform to her ideas all the time. I was the only child who did not wear a school uniform during my (brief) spells at a uniform-wearing school, I was the only teen who did not use a deoderant.

It took me a couple of decades to work out that this supposed ideal of non-conformity actually gave me far less freedom to stand up for myself and explore who I really was. I still feel vaguely guilty if I buy something that I think my mother wouldn't approve of, or that she would think of as conforming. Though as an adult of course I know that it's precisely this wish to please and conform that is my major problem.

With my own children I try some kind of middle road. I don't buy them everything they want- not least because I have to earn and save the money to do so-. I do think it's my job to use my greater experience to avoid certain looks which may come across as different to what they intended.

But I am totally upfront about the fact that following my ideas is no more a case of non-conformity than following somebody else's ideas. I am their mum so I expect them to follow me (slightly) more than others. But I would never try to con them into believing that doing what mum says is synonymous with being independent or not caring what people think. My attitude towards my parents is the ultimate in conformity.

And really, what's wrong with buying things just because our kids ask for them sometimes? My house is full of shit my kids have asked for, no one died

:o

My house is the same. I have been in situations where my DD has asked for something one of her friends has and we have got in the car and went and got it. Not everytime, but often enough. My mum thinks I'm mad. But DD is well mannered and respectful. So I don't see the issue.

Yabu.

Your child is telling you she feels uncomfortable and that wearing a vest would make her comfortable the only difference is she wants a vest aimed at children of her own age group as opposed to a baby style one.

Grow the fuck up and stop being so ridiculous

these are the ones dd has - they look a bit like sports bras and dd says they are comfy

Another one saying yabu op.

Your dd may be self conscious changing in front of her peers, which may well include boys at this age, she may be experiencing some changes which she would like to 'hide', or she may well be wanting to 'hide' the fact that she isn't changing yet a few of her friends are.

Listen to what she's telling you op, for the sake of a few pounds you can help her trust in you.

Remember that this isn't about you. It's about your DD. It's about listening to her and hearing why she wants one. And respecting her thoughts to. You don't need to give in to everything but you do need to talk and listen and understand that she may be feeling a different way to you. Maybe not conforming is the way you like to do things, but is it how your dd wants to do things too?

Remember that this isn't about you. It's about your DD. It's about listening to her and hearing why she wants one. And respecting her thoughts to. You don't need to give in to everything but you do need to talk and listen and understand that she may be feeling a different way to you. Maybe not conforming is the way you like to do things, but is it how your dd wants to do things too?

It's just a crop top. Why not?

There are girls at DD's primary school with fully formed breasts who are bra-less and dressed like 7 year olds out of some silly misguided principle.

I think a few of us here (myself included) are probably venting our own issues from growing up! I hope the OP doesn't feel like she's getting a battering, it's just one of those buttons that gets pushed from time to time.

DD (9) has had tiny breasts for the last 2 years. I bought her those M&S crop tops because she hates wearing vests, but as it turned out she decided she doesn't like them (tbh she'd still rather go naked than wear anything...).

However she is now wearing full length vests at school, because they get changed with the boys for PE and one delightful little arse started making comments about her "boobs" and she felt self-conscious.

If your 8 yr old is asking for them, I'd say it's a sign she's feeling aware of her body and wants to fit in. It's not the same as a tablet.

That would be me 40 years ago, Bonsoir.

Make-up has always been a big no-no in my family background (we're independent and speshul, you see) and it's not something I have ever felt I wanted to wear myself. No personal interest and don't feel I should be forced to just because others do. I'm a scruffy jeans and walking boots person and that's what keeps me happy.

However, dd is a different person from me. She likes trying clothes, she likes make-up, she likes trying out different looks. That was apparent very early on. I see no harm in it. When her other friends started wearing make-up, I let her do it too.

She knows we have monetary restraints and is fine with that. Occasionally I have pointed out that a certain garment is only ok for certain occasions: for instance, I told her she could only wear the leather jacket that made her look about 15 when she was 10 (present from friend of grandma) if she was out with an adult, as there was good reason to believe it could attract attention she couldn't handle at that age.

My parents were never very good at distinguishing between moral principles otoh and personal likes and dislikes otoh. I'd like to be a bit better at it.

YABU. At this age a lot of girls have breast buds and they find crop tops more comfortable. They are not bras, nor are they sexualising a child IMO.

YABU

My 6.5 DD asked for them this week so I picked her up a couple, I honestly don't see the problem. They are just half sized vests and nowhere near being a bra.

I'd have been mortified if my mum hadn't listened to me worrying about body issues at that age but luckily she preempted most things and I was definitely in crop tops at 8!

I think it's quite insensitive to say 'their chests are the same as boys'

At this age hormones kick in and they begin to get more self conscious about their bodies. It's not really for a parent to decide how their child should feel.

My daughter is 10 and recently started wearing crop tops. She hasn't worn vests for a while but has started to develop and wanted to wear something, like a lot of her friends.

I hadn't even considered them until she asked for them.

I also have an 8 year old daughter who is happy in her vests, however when the time comes to her wanting to upgrade to a crop top I wouldn't object.

Honestly from about Y4 it's best just to chuck a mixture of vests and cropped tops in your DDs draw and butt out.

DD2 wore either or nothing dependent on the weather and how the mood took her (and no doubt the mood of her peer group).

If you're relaxed about things chances are your DD will be too.

(DD1 was a total vest refusnik from birth, she didn't wear a cropped top until she had something to support).

Another YABU here.
You actually sound awful, it's really not your dd trying to control you but about her wanting to feel comfortable. I have 2 dds, they are 8 and 9. They both change in front of boys for PE and will do until they leave that school. The older one wears crop tops because she asked to. The younger one hasn't mentioned them. Why on earth would you deliberately ignore her requests for something that makes her feel uncomfortable?
Oh, and she may not start her periods at 14 just like you, she may start them earlier. I hope you don't refuse to buy her any sanpro because you don't think she should be menstruating until you deem it appropriate.
Are you very old fashioned and closed minded in other areas of your life too?

Yabu, it's a crop top and your dd wants them because her friends wear them. Dd is 11 now and tiny but at age 8 she asked for crop tops because that's what her classmates wore and some were laughing at her "baby" vests. It was quite tough finding some small enough but I got them in M&S and they really don't look at all like bras. I wouldn't want to put my dd in a position where she was teased when all it took was an alternative item of clothing FWIW once the girls started changing separately to the boys the crop tops were abandoned and they wear nothing underneath their polo shirts now.

*I think it's quite insensitive to say 'their chests are the same as boys'

At this age hormones kick in and they begin to get more self conscious about their bodies. It's not really for a parent to decide how their child should feel.*

exactly what gives parents the right to enforce our feelings on our children it is their bodies and at 8 they are not infant girls they are growing up and know the difference between boys and girls bodies ,

I started my periods when i was 11 and dd is 11 this year - yikes! She has breast buds and wears crop tops under her clothes. She says most girls in her class are wearing bras now. Have asked if she wants a bra yet but she has said she is happy with crop tops for the moment.

Yabu its normal

and op how are you going to feel if she wants to shave her legs at 11 or pluck her eyebrows at 13 are you going to decide for her when is the right age to do that sort of thing what about if she wants to use a moisturiser and cleanser on her face are you going to say she is too young for all that nonsense and she shouldn't conform , we as parents of girls really do need to be sensitive to their needs I cant bang on about this enough it is not our bodies it is theirs

DD is 8, I was looking at crop tops just a few days ago, i think she could do with one really. However, she didnt want to, one girl in their class wears one and last time they got changed people giggled at her. Not nice.

So, even though i think dd could do with one, im not going to press it. Im not going to put DD though being laughed at or left feeling bad about herself, because of something i think.

When she wants to wear one, she will.