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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that 8 is too young to wear a crop top (in place of a vest)

268 replies

MrsGoslingWannabe · 22/02/2014 00:33

DD wants a "child bra". She means a crop top and said "all the girls in her class have them" (not true). I hate it but I imagine that at PE changing time there is now a discussion over who has them and the fact that those who don't are "showing their boobies". I hate the pressure to conform.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 22/02/2014 12:27

Year 6 in my dd school.

Body hair is one I have discussed with my dd, when she wants to we'll do something about it. Being self conscious and unable to confide in my mum made me painfully shy and affected me my whole life. I don't want that for my dc.

cory · 22/02/2014 12:31

ooh, the shaved legs- I was over 30 by the time I picked up confidence to buy a razor and shave my legs, despite the fact that I hated the hairy sight of them so much I never wore short skirts

where's the independence in that?

RaspberryRuffle · 22/02/2014 12:31

YABsoU OP. I feel sorry for your daughter who is on the cusp of puberty and not getting any reassurance form her mother, quite the opposite with your dismissive attitude.
Like others, I had crop tops in the 80s, they very often came as a set with matching pants (much like the Care Bears vests and pants sets that I had worn previously, but with a shorter vest).
At that age my body had started to change, my sisters and I all started our periods between age 8 and 10. My mum had to ask to get sanitary bins in the girls toilets FFS. And she was one of those who avoided "those kind of subjects" as she had been brought up to be so embarrassed about her body/periods etc but finally came through when she had to.

BoyFromTheBigBadCity · 22/02/2014 12:31

We didn't get to change separately for PE until year 6, and even then the separation was boys in classroom, girls in cloakroom, then swapped the next week - the other class wasn't always in sync though. I wanted a crop top and bra long before my mum was comfortable with that idea, but she let me have them from age 10 - I wanted them earlier than that.

OP - your dd's chest is not the same as a boy's. Arguably, one of the most important things to teach kids is that they, and only they, get to choose who sees their body. I think this is an issue not to relate to peer pressure, it's different.

K8Middleton · 22/02/2014 12:33

Well said Daykin. You have summed it up beautifully and I am sorry you had to experience such an awful time.

You are spot on.

Daykin · 22/02/2014 12:37

I was 'allowed' to shave but the piss taking she did made me too self conscious to do it for ages. She was probably quite proud that I wasn't bowing to peer pressure. I think she was oblivious that bowing to maternal pressure is every bit as bad. I don't understand why girls are ridiculed for bowing to peer pressure when nearly every boy and adult is conformist to their own particular tribe. I would never dream of asking my 74 yo mother exactly why every summer she and all her friends wear white trousers and floral blouses but she thinks its fine to question the fashion decisions of everyone under the age of 25. She has spent the whole of the winter olympics talking about how ridiculous the eyeliner is.

SauvignonBlanche · 22/02/2014 12:38

DD had something like these, they're just short vests FFS, theyre hardly a Wonderbra!

thinking101 · 22/02/2014 12:38

I think life at school with all the work, and friendship politics is hard enough. This is one of those comming of age things. I wouldnt want either of my DC's feel they dont fit in because of a piece of clothing. Children are pretty much like sheep at this age reguardless of what you teach them. I tis i not until mid to late teens they start to firm up their identity. It is natural to become more influenced by their peer group, it is a healthy sign of growing independence.

I think you are imposing your generalised ideal of not conforming onto your daughter. There are plenty of opportunites to teach this not buying an item simply because she wants it.

Have you thought she is maybe self conscioius that her development may not be in line with her immediate peers, but the cropped to can at least be a way towards looking that little bit more grown up. Its a crop top, it is not going to harm her in anyway. In fact I think it gets her used to the idea that her body is going to be changing. It does seem terribly young but they do start their periods earlier these days.

Daykin · 22/02/2014 12:38

Don't feel too sorry for me. I have fabulous underwear now Grin

Needsmorecake · 22/02/2014 12:39

i just posted on a self esteem thread, about how to get it, i do think, one of the most damaging things parents can do to their children, is not to listen, and then to dismiss when its something that is important to the child.

It makes the child feel like their needs dont matter, that how they feel is not important. That she has to seek your approval.

Its not right.

SomethingkindaOod · 22/02/2014 12:39

YABU, DD1 is 8, very young for her age really so not at the feeling uncomfortable stage just yet but when she asks she will get whatever she needs to feel comfortable and secure. I started at around 10/11 so am on look out for any potential signs.
It's not the start of a slippery slope into drink and strange piercings!

thinking101 · 22/02/2014 12:40

OP are you a bit upset about how quickly she is growing?

kslatts · 22/02/2014 12:42

I think my dd's wore crop tops from around 7 or 8, don't really see a problem with it.

cory · 22/02/2014 12:44

Are you my long-lost sister, Daykins? Grin

I don't suppose my mother would have forbidden me to shave either: it was just the enormous exertion of peer pressure. Peers here being defined as birth family rather than other children of same age.

It really took my own daughter to point out how completely I had internalised family expectations.

HadABadDay2014 · 22/02/2014 12:50

I am so glad my mum listen to me.

I alway remember a friend mother saying no to crop tops and bra and when she started her period was to scared to ask her mother incase she said no to buying pads/tampons

TheRealAmandaClarke · 22/02/2014 13:35

YABU
Everything else has already been said.

whomadeyougod · 22/02/2014 13:38

if my dd was feeling self conscious and asked for a crop top to go under her clothes i would not hesitate to buy one , i really cant see the problem ,i dread to think how she will feel talking to you about periods and when to start shaving etc , she will probably talk to someone else .

Bonkerz · 22/02/2014 13:51

My dd is 8 and been wearing crop tops for a year now. She does have bumps in that area and is self conscious so it helps with that side of things well. It's not inappropriate because it's hidden under normal clothes.

KidsDontThinkImCool · 22/02/2014 14:18

I'd be really interested to hear from the OP. I wonder whether this thread has changed her views at all?

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 14:28

oh dear daykin that is horrible
my mum was a bit like that you are to young what do you want that for, my nana bought me my first bra thankfully i had a sensible adult in my life with things like that she told my mum that i needed one mum disagreed nana said well i will but her it then It was all so bloody awkward for a 12 yr old I vowed i would try and not make issues or huge deals with my dds . growing up is hard enough for them without parents saying they are being silly or whatever

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 14:29

when she started her period was to scared to ask her mother incase she said no to buying pads/tampons

I had to ask for them every flaming month till i was 15 and just bought them myself

NannyPeach · 22/02/2014 14:40

My mum also said 'why would you want one of those?' when I requested a crop top in y6. I ended up buying one myself when on a shopping trip with a friend Hmm. My dd is 10 and has had crop tops since age 9 - it's no big deal - we bought them together and she is happy.

mrsjay · 22/02/2014 14:41

thats the thing nannypeach it is no big deal

Fluffyears · 22/02/2014 15:07

I had crop tops probably from age 9 or 10 but didn't start getting boobs till I was 15 (body hair at 10 and period 13). I'm so glad my mum was decent about it all. She told me where she kept the sanitary protection and told me to let her know if it was running low. She got me my crops tops, deodorant and trainer bra's and let me shave when I needed it (I have very dark leg and armpit hair that grows like wildfire).

My dad on the other hand was embarrassed by all things feminine. He once went mad at my mum cos a backing strip from a sanitary pad was left in the bathroom because what if my teenage brother had seen it. My mum laughed at him saying it's a normal thing like weeing.

OP this kind of attitude will make your daughter awkward about discussing things she needs as she grows up Like sanitary protection. Don't be that stupid mum the others make fun of for not letting her kids develop. Grow up and listen and discuss openly so she can do the same and come to you when she needs help. My friend was clueless because she had a mother like you. She thought you stuck the sanitary pad to the body like a plaster!

jamtoast12 · 22/02/2014 15:34

I think this thread is going a bit off topic tbh. The OP hasn't said she doesn't want to ever talk to her dd about stuff, she just doesn't want her wearing crop tops!

so all this talk about ignoring periods etc is coming from people's own stories of their own parents and has nothing to do with the OP question as such. Mums who want to delay crop tops are not doing so out of ignorance, I'm sure if her dd was developing etc and needed support then she would let her wear them!

I also wouldn't let dd wear a crop too (she's 8 half) but that doesn't mean we haven't talked about periods etc as we have. I started at 9 so well aware dd would be young too. My dd has no breast buds etc so for me, she's fine with a vest. To be honest all this talk about kids being aware of their bodies and becoming self conscious, my dd wouldn't have a clue! None of her friends are like that yet as only year 3. if the OP dd is like that then I understand why she doesn't want to go there til she needs to.

I absolutely agree the op should ensure her dd wears something as it's not fair for her to change without something, but a vest would be fine. To be honest, I think a crop top highlights breast buds or smaller boobs much more than an actual vest due to the elastic at the bottom whereas a vest kind of skims them. A vest also covers more of the stomach area which I find kids are much more self conscious of!

If they are of size to need support then of course, but the OP hasn't said that. Neither has she said she is afraid of her growing up etc! She just doesn't like the idea of a crop top when her dd doesn't need one!

There is a time when kids need them for support etc or when vests simply become out of fashion but I don't think 8 has to be that time. I'm only 37 and I remember being in crop tops for only a short period and then it was bras.

I have to admit, its easy for me at the minute because no one in dds class wears them and I may too have to reconsider due to peer pressure :(

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