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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bank account details on wedding invite!

313 replies

Passthesaltdear · 20/02/2014 17:21

Yep so...got an evening guest invite few days ago, had the usual "we-ve been living together for ages now and have everything we want but if you are so inclined we would love some money for honeymoon etc..." Then at the bottom is the couple's account name, number and sort code so money can be paid directly in! I was shocked, is it me or is this really cheeky?!

OP posts:

thinking101 · 21/02/2014 19:04

no fucking way cheeky gets eh?

Fluffycloudland77 · 21/02/2014 19:13

I would reply "it's great you have everything you need, unfortunately we didn't so we spent what we would have given to you on our new sofa/coffee machine/quooker tap"

Bonus points if you draw a little smiley face.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 20:41

Our list was from Lakeland and Argos and I still think of the people who bought us the gifts when I use them and we were married in 1999.

eeetheygrowupsofast · 21/02/2014 23:04

To the posters saying 'yes this is awful, we would never ask for money, we said we wanted nothing but everyone insisted on getting us stuff...stuff we didn't want', err do you get it now? People coming to your wedding love you, they want to buy you a gift and they will buy you a gift so why not ask for a gift you want?

Caterina, I'm nearly 50 so not your generation but I agree with your thinking.

Hedgehead · 22/02/2014 01:01

In the country my husband comes from this is the norm. When his family insisted on doing this with our wedding invitations I was very embarrassed about it, but they all insisted that it is what everyone does! We ended up having $12,000 deposited into it!

Caitlin17 · 22/02/2014 01:19

I think it's pretty awful for a couple who have been living together and have an established household. 2 gay friends of mine did this but the donations were to be made to 2 charities they had chosen, not them personally.

Robfordscrack · 22/02/2014 05:14

Why not just charge admission? It's more honest surely?

HazleNutt · 22/02/2014 07:00

No I still don't get how "Buy me this toaster" is totally fine and acceptable, but "give me money to buy this toaster" is not

TamerB · 22/02/2014 07:07

Because no one ever says 'buy me a toaster' - they give a list of suggestions. Someone may have a new toaster in the cupboard that they can recycle and it won't cost anything or they may pick an expensive one that is half price in a sale. 'Give me the money' means that you can't make any savings ( or get rid of spare toasters!)

Only1scoop · 22/02/2014 07:11

Grabsville totally ....cash into bank account....directly

How would they even know who had given which amounts.... if it was paid by cash not transfer.

Uuugghhhhh another horrible grabby pair. Lack of manners.

Only1scoop · 22/02/2014 07:13

I'd just take a bottle of bubbly with a big f'king bow on it to reception ....as you are going to evening you won't have to carry it around.

HazleNutt · 22/02/2014 07:16

I'm talking about those wedding lists and yes they are in essence the same as saying "buy me the toaster (or cups or towels)". If a gift list has been sent out, I would guess most people feel they have to buy off that and they don't go find some old towels from their own airing cupboard.

TamerB · 22/02/2014 07:28

I would expect them to produce a list if asked for one- not with the invitation.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 22/02/2014 09:29

I've been invited to a wedding next summer. The invite came complete with the nauseatingly twee poem asking for contributions to the honeymoon.

I am going to give them some water sterilising tablets, insect repellant and some sun cream.

AIBU?

HoratiaDrelincourt · 22/02/2014 09:50

Cunk that's ace. I'd say everyone needs Imodium on holiday just in case.

sarahquilt · 22/02/2014 09:57

Nothing wrong with this. My husband and I always give 150 cash in an envelope or 200 euro as a wedding gift. The details make it easier.

Fannydabbydozey · 22/02/2014 10:03

I've been thinking about this and there is no way I could have asked for money for my honeymoon. We didn't really have one, and I really could not have stomached asking for money for one from friends and family. I'm actually aghast that this has become a "thing."

I honestly think it's grabby and I really hate this attitude of "but we spent all our money on giving you a special day with special wine and special dances and special cake so it's fair if you contribute to our special two/three/four weeks somewhere exotic." My friend did this for an extremely long exotic honeymoon... A few weeks ago he told me that the honeymoon cost less that he thought as they'd downgraded a few places and so he was going to be able to fund another trip this year with the spare cash. I was and told him as much. I know several people who went to that wedding and contributed to that "special fund" who have barely enough to live on at the moment.... Ugh. Grabby, unthinking, uncaring. Really it is.

As someone said earlier, I don't actually really care deeply if someone gets married. Yes, it's a lovely thing but it's it's just a wedding. I'll happily save the date, but it's just a date, not the event of the year. Not for me. It's not an awards ceremony, no-one is being a celebrity for the day, and it's shouldn't really be an excuse to get funding for that round the world trip you've always wanted to be on. At least those weddings where giving money is the norm appear to be inclusive and damn good fun.

SingMoreWhenYoureWinning · 22/02/2014 10:07

I think requesting a gift of any type, cash or present is horrendously rude and crass.

You wouldn't send someone an invite to a birthday, anniversary, ANY sort of party or gathering and give them a list of stuff to buy you.

Why is a wedding different? You get what you're given. IF the person attending chooses to get you something.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 22/02/2014 10:21

Tobias

TamerB · 22/02/2014 10:23

I think that is the problem- I don't give £150 for wedding presents.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 22/02/2014 10:43

Cheers Horatio

Fannydabbydozey · 22/02/2014 10:44

Cunk are you including a mosquito net? And perhaps a hepatitis b jab?

eeetheygrowupsofast · 22/02/2014 10:47

Oh well, the Mumsnet Wedding Rules prevail...

In RL I have been to perhaps 100 weddings over the last 30 years and I have never heard one person complain about receiving wedding lists with invites or outrage at people politely asking for money if guests want to give gifts.

That's because people outside of this bubble where people pretend they do/say things in real life that they really don't aren't offended by things that aren't offensive.

TheCunkOfPhilomena · 22/02/2014 10:47

YES!
Congratulations on your wedding, I have taken the liberty of booking you in for your hep B jab and a prescription for anti-malarial tablets. No, no need to thank me

Fannydabbydozey · 22/02/2014 10:56

Cunk I soooo wish I'd thought of that for my friends grabby exotica well extended honeymoon that has turned into this year's holiday as well.

And a yellow fever jab lasts ten years.... It's the gift that keeps on giving.

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