Bank account details on wedding invite!

[Passthesaltdear]

Yep so...got an evening guest invite few days ago, had the usual "we-ve been living together for ages now and have everything we want but if you are so inclined we would love some money for honeymoon etc..." Then at the bottom is the couple's account name, number and sort code so money can be paid directly in! I was shocked, is it me or is this really cheeky?!

I love wedding lists at least then you feel like you're shopping a little bit! yes I'm that skint I'm doing virtual shopping then you get to enjoy finding the fanciest gift for the least amount of cash yes tight as well AND you get to snoop on what everyone else is buying. But cash, there's no fun there.

PM me! We are staying at this wonderful place now, run by a terrific charity. They could really use the funds , not for some poxy honeymoon, either.

The thing is that when you ask for money (quite apart from the issue of whether or not it's crass to expect any sort of gift at all) .... be it in the form of cash in an envelope, a cheque, or a direct transfer, you really put your guest(s) on the spot because their contribution will be plain to see.

Many posters on threads like these comment how they can't afford very much and worry about being seen as "mean" if they only give a small - very obvious - sum, and consequently, many feel obliged to go without in order to make the sort of monetary gift that'd be seen as "acceptable" - whatever that is. Many families are genuinely struggling these days and regardless of how much you care for the B&G it doesn't alter the fact that weddings can often be a significant expense long before you even get round to the gift. Asking for money therefore just adds to that pressure when it's quite feasible that a guest has already cut back (on necessities sometimes) and saved hard simply in order to attend at all unless the event is local.

Whereas if you don't ask for money - or anything else for that matter - you enable people to use their imagination and come up with an affordable gift without feeling bad about it. By shopping around, by thinking outside the box, by making something yourself - or even by offering your time and help towards some aspect of the day in lieu of a gift - it is possible to come up with something personal and thoughtful even when money's extremely tight.

I'm just getting increasingly cross lately at the insensitivity shown by some couples who are so full of their own self importance that they seem completely incapable of considering for a moment that not all their guests can easily afford weddings these days. Surely you want them there because they mean something to you - and not for the gift/money they'll bring ? .... and if so, that means that anything they do give you is an added bonus, and therefore much appreciated, what with it being the thought that counts and all that. Really gets on my nerves when couples say they've "got everything they need" (well, lucky them) and still go on to ask for more or others who enclose a gift list (nothing wrong with having one for guests who ask) and justify doing so by saying they don't want "any old tat" or similar, which is bloody rude.

Those who thinks asking for cash is ok, name me one other scenario where this would be ok?

What can I get for the new baby? Oh, we have everything so cash please.

Any ideas to give me for your 40th birthday present? Oh I don't need anything, a cheque will be fine.

What would Johnny like for his 5th birthday? He has everything already so here's our bank details instead.

I mean, you just wouldn't. So why are weddings different?

Christening.

It is rude and totally inappropriate to request cash/cheque etc as a gift IMHO... any gift I give is from the heart.....

catsmother you are exactly right.

What annoys me even more is the ones that put some twee bloody poem in the invite asking for the cash, as if making it poetic is somehow less grabby.

catsmother this is exactly how I feel, especially about the "any old tat" part

That's hideous

That is just awful.

Anyone worrying about bank details. If you hand someone a cheque you have their bank, branch, sorting code and account number and also their signature!

Panzee, are you saying this nonsense would be acceptable at a Christening????

you see two of my cousins have done this not with bank details but donation towards honeymoon blah blah , ones getting married in april my other cousin got married a couple of years ago very posh do lots off posh friends etc my uncles a millionaire and paid for the whole thing and I gave a card with a paltry £30 quid it was all I could afford I did think well my cousins owns his own buissness and his wife is a solicitor why cant they pay for their own bloody honeymoon!!!

I think it's rude to be so blatant and frankly it isn't very classy at all. But then, I'm still cross from a no-kids wedding that my DH went to by himself, paying for diesel, a hotel room, a hired tux AND a bloody present......only for the 'happy couple' split up six months later!!!!!

A wedding is about the people who are there and the reason for it, with all the travel costs, hotels etc that so many people have to pay just to be at a lot of weddings more happy couples should just be grateful that people turn up at all!

I've never seen this on christening invites, cant imagine people asking for money!

Absy - you say 'it's not about being grabby, its' about helping a new family have a good start in life.' Decades ago, yes it was. In many other cultures it still is. But very often in the UK nowadays the happy couple have been living together for years. They often already own their own home or they've been renting unfurnished places for years, so they already have all the furniture, bedding, china, cutlery, kitchen stuff, towels and so on and so forth they could possibly need. They may also already have had children. There is no sense in which the wedding in those circumstances marks the start of their new life as a family.

In the topsy turvy world we live in now, many people put off the wedding because of the enormous expense they feel is essential. They deny themselves the legal protection that comes with marriage so they can have an expensive wedding years after they have made the commitment the marriage ceremony is traditionally supposed to be the start of. No wonder the etiquette around weddings is all to pot.

Well, the one I've just received is from the least grabby couple imaginable, they don't live together but both have homes of their own at present so they are starting a new life together and would like to replace some of their old things, the wedding is to be low key, informal and they have gone out of their way to make things easy for the guests, to me this is just another way of making things easy, not grabby at all.

Floggingmolly the fact that you've called it nonsense means you are unwilling to change your mind, so what's the point?

I've never seen a Christening gift list but when enquiring about possible gifts, among the suggestions were money for the child. I thought it was nice to put something in their bank account for the future. Surely better than yet another silver money box.

Its an INVITATION! Not an invite!

I think you win Mumsnet. And the Internet.

I Dont see why so many people on mumsnet get their knickers in such a twist about wedding invite and wedding gift etiquette.

if its a couple who already live together then what's wrong with asking for money?

I certainly don't think its rude crass or offensive...
They're going to get bought gifts anyway whether they ask for them or not so why not ask for something they actually need. Im baffled as to why this is considered such appalling behaviour.

If you don't want to give them money dont give them money buy them something they can regift.

The way i see it if im going to get someone a gift id rather them a gift they actually want as opposed to what i deem appropriate for them.

I don't see why it's such a big deal to be honest.

Most couples live together before marriage now so why would you want to waste your money buying them something they already have? and probably like more than the version you're going to get them

If you're that offended then decline the invitation or givethem a gift Instead.

Err... Giving people your bank details? Are they stupid?