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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

124 replies

PerspectiveNeeded · 19/02/2014 22:59

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b*h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

Really grateful for your views - thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Annunziata · 19/02/2014 23:01

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

For me, my parent would come first in this situation.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/02/2014 23:03

If I had a seriously ill parent who I wanted to come and live with me so I could look after them, but my OH said no, I would think him to be a right bastard.

However, it's hard to judge or offer opinions for you because of how vague your scenario is. In reality a lot of factors would influence the final decision that was made so perhaps you could be more specific about what actual situation you are in?? I.e the severity of the illness and why you partner feels having his parent at home is the best thing? And why you disagree?

whois · 19/02/2014 23:06

Well it depends.

If DO was objecting to moving in a parent who was basically nice and trouble free apart from being ill, and we had space, just because he didn't want someone else there then I would be pretty annoyed.

However if we didn't have a spare bedroom, parent was difficult, DP was having to sacrifice a lot to care for them etc then they would have a point.

If there were young children in the mix that would also complcate things.

It's heartbreaking to watch your parents suffer, especially if they are receiving less than adequate care.

kat0406 · 19/02/2014 23:06

I know in theory, the ill parent should be able to move in to your house, and I know this is totally unreasonable but whereas I would want my parent to live with us, if my MIL were to come I think I would have to move out, it would literally make my live here unbearable!

goingmadinthecountry · 19/02/2014 23:08

Outlaws have not spoken to me for about 4 years since I unintentionally made sil look not too clever. Mil told my friend I was a bitch. Yes, nice. Have pointed out to dh he should see them. My bit done. They've always despised me and everything I stand for.

rabbitlady · 19/02/2014 23:10

immediate family first. do what you can for your parents but as my counsellor said to me today 'they need help. it doesn't have to come from you.'

Original poster
PerspectiveNeeded · 19/02/2014 23:25

DH's parent has been diagnosed with cancer and is starting chemotherapy. We have a newborn DD and I'm having very little sleep and struggling to hold things together and not sure physically how I'm going to look after two more people. I have suggested to DH that if he wants us to look after his parents, he could apply for statutory parental leave so that we'd have another pair of hands at home, which we could manage financially, but he doesn't want to do so for career reasons.

OP posts:
iamsoannoyed · 19/02/2014 23:26

Hard to answer your question without more facts, but while I can understand why you'd want to care for an ill parent there may be perfectly acceptable reasons why a DP may say "no".

For instance, not having room and the prospect of a long period of caring (with all the stress of that, without adequate space, having an impact on home and possibly work life). Or there being a safety issue, or a major financial one. Also depends on whether you are expecting a major sacrifice from your DP, and other things such as any issues with your DPs mental and physical health which may impact on their ability to cope with what you are asking of them.

And yes, if it might have a negative impact on your children, then I think that is a consideration that has to be taken into account. I actually think a younger child might be less affected than a child who is a bit older and more aware (or a child about to sit important exams etc).

Overall, I'd say it's not at all unreasonable to want to care for a parent, and to discuss a parent moving in with you/your family with your DP and to ask for their support and help.

However, I think to unilaterally decide that you will move a parent in without consideration of the impact upon your family and without a discussion with, or agreement of, your DP would be unfair and unwise- especially if you a) want their assistance and support and b)value your relationship.

Likewise, I'd say if your DP loves and respects you, they should consider very carefully before refusing such a request and only refuse if their are genuine reason for objection/insurmountable obstacles.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/02/2014 23:27

So he wants to move both parents in and expects you to look after them as well as look after the new baby whilst he goes out to work as normal??

In that situation I'd say *Hell No!"

WelshMaenad · 19/02/2014 23:28

Parents, multiple? So the ill parent has a spouse still alive and with them? Sorry, but unless that spouse was severely incapacitated, I don't see why they both need to move in with you and have you look after them. You have a newborn baby to take care of.

Martorana · 19/02/2014 23:29

Hate the term "primary family".

anothernumberone · 19/02/2014 23:29

I would look after and live with mil because I live her very much. I would leave the family home if FIL moved in but then so would DH. I do not think your husband can ask you to take care of his mother, that is his responsibility. I would offer in the case of mil, but DH would not and should not expect it.

anothernumberone · 19/02/2014 23:30

Live = love. This fecking phone.

bideyinn · 19/02/2014 23:30

He wants them to be looked after by you even though you have a newborn? I'm not sure how you would manage that either

Maybe83 · 19/02/2014 23:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
PerspectiveNeeded · 19/02/2014 23:32

Martorana, perfectly reasonable. I'm not that keen either, hence the " ". Just wasn't sure of the correct terminology.

OP posts:
Jolleigh · 19/02/2014 23:32

So he wants you to look after his ill parent while he works, and somehow do this around a newborn?

When I was 15, I was banished to the sofa for 3 months while my terminally ill nana needed my room. I was much older than your child so could fend for myself and understand what was going on. Also, my mum (nana's daughter) took time away from work to become nana's primary carer. Others chipped in, but as she was her parent, mum saw it as her job.

Cranky01 · 19/02/2014 23:33

I think it would come down to what would be expected of me, and if they could cope at home

Would they want me to nurse the person, or just support with company.

The fact that your dh isn't prepared to take time off of work would sit badly with me.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2014 23:34

So he wants you to be a carer for 3 whilst he goes about business as usual? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/02/2014 23:34

Is your DH expecting you to look after his parents as well as a newborn baby? I take it he will be at work? In which case YANBU and that is unfair.

Why can't your fil look after your mil? Is he ill too?

pomdereplay · 19/02/2014 23:34

In this case, YANBU. It's awful that one of your in-laws is so unwell, but your priority has to be to your newborn child. When I think how much I struggled with the newborn weeks/months with a supportive partner and no extra worries, the scenario you describe could have quite literally killed me. The fact that your husband is unwilling to assist you in any meaningful way just means you should be even more resolute in refusing this request. Horrible situation though.

iamsoannoyed · 19/02/2014 23:35

Sorry, had not read your last post.

I'd say that you have genuine reasons to be cautious- taking in another 2 people, one of whom is seriously ill, in addition to a newborn and being expected to manage on a day-to-day basis by yourself is a very big ask.

You have suggested a compromise (him taking statutory parental leave), which would allow him to have his parents move in and you to keep your sanity and your physical health intact. He is not keen to make any sacrifices or compromises, yet he wants you to agree to a major undertaking which will cause a great deal of stress (and they are his parents)?

I'd explain your concerns, and suggest that he thinks again about parental leave. If he won't, I think you'd be perfectly within your rights to say "no". Actually, I think you'd be within your rights to say "no" anyway- but he really can't leave the bulk of this to you.

HauntedNoddyCar · 19/02/2014 23:38

There's no way I would move my parents in and expect DH to be their primary carer.

exhaustedmummymoo · 19/02/2014 23:39

Depends on so much. What's the illness? Long or short term? What are were relationship like with PIL prior to illness. How much care of PIL is needed? How much space in house available. Could PIL go for respite to take burden off carer? Has main career got othe jobs / commitment?
Is PIL demanding? Sorry to ask so many qus but I would need all these factors. am also really horrible, would make rm for my mum but not my mil

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/02/2014 23:40

Why is your DH leaving the caring to you and not enquiring into organisations that help people with cancer?

So he wants them to live with you but is taking no responsibility for it or making any sacrifices himself.

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