To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

[PerspectiveNeeded]

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b*h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

Really grateful for your views - thanks in advance!

I'm sorry but I wouldn't do it. Your in-laws actually sound quite selfish if they can afford to get help but are refusing to do it and instead except a mother with a new-born to run around after them.

If FIL is well enough to drive to appointments then he is well enough to look after MIL surely. You can arrange for a carer to come in once a day, organise a weekly online shop for them and a weekly cleaner. They don't sound like they plan to be very helpful around the house either.

How far away do they live from you? Could you not do the above and DH just visits them as much as possible.

We had a hypothetical discussion about our parents ageing - whereas I would look after my own parents, I certainly would not volunteer to look after mil. Our dc are primary age but I would not even bother using that as an excuse - it's a massive impact to your daily life. Dh has made it clear that he would not be welcoming to his mum to live with us at all! Yanbu - you obviously have reservations and you feel pressurised into doing something which is a gigantic commitment. Say no! It's his parent - he has to arrange alternative practical support. Tell him to swap places - you go back to work and he can be the full time carer!

I would be quite prepared to have inlaws live with me whilst one was terminally ill, I would also not mind doing washing and cooking a main meal for them but that is were it would stop. My dh would be told in no uncertain terms that unless he took a career break to look after them professional carers would have to be employed as my duty of care is to our children and their needs come first.....

I've recently lost my mum to cancer, luckily she lived a five minute walk away but no way would I have been able to care for her with my own DCs to look after.

While chemo doesn't always make a person ill, my mum was exhausted for a few days once she had it and couldn't cope with me visiting with a baby and toddler for more than an hour or so. No way would she have coped living with us even if we had the space.

It's very unreasonable for your DH to expect you to do this. It sounds harsh but its his mother, if he won't take time off to care for her then he can't expect you to care for her and a newborn.

Fair enough that she wants family to help her and not strangers but if family can't help then she needs to accept that.

You say the prognosis isn't good but my mum was given two months and she was still here a year later. Towards the end I spent as much time with her as possible but I couldn't have cared for her full time and looked after my DCs and I didn't expect DH to take unpaid leave to care for our DCs so I could care for my mum. With help from carers my dad took care of my mum and I did what I could round my family. My mum would have hated to have me care for her at the expense of my own family even though her mum lived with us from when I was tiny, though not for health reasons.

It's very hard when a parent is diagnosed with terminal cancer but its unfair of your DH to expect you to look after a newborn, his ill mother, his father and the house while he goes to work. Yes he's earning to support you all but that doesn't mean he can expect you to do this.

Unless you have a big house with enough spare bedrooms and the money to hire a cleaner and carers then for me it would be a no chance.

I really feel for you OP. My MIL is currently terminally ill with cancer. She has been in and out of a hospice a few
times and when she's at home it is unbelievably hard for my FIL - and he has carers and nurses going in everyday, excellent support from friends/neighbours, my SIL & I go round one afternoon each a week (we both work PT with DC under 2) and either DH or BIL pop in every evening after work. FIL is still drained & exhausted

The dealbreaker here for me is your newborn. If I had no or older children, I would consider agreeing BUT ONLY IF carers/cleaners etc were put in place. I just can't understand how your OH expects you to host his parents and look after a new baby while he just carries on as normal. Your priority is your baby, not his parents, especially when there are perfectly acceptable other options that they seem to be dismissing out of hand.

It's hardly going to be a restful experience for your PIL either, with a newborn baby in the house, waking everyone up at all hours.

No. Becoming a carer for someone with a terminal kooky, with hardly any support from your husband, with a cared for person who rejects professional support, while looking after a newborn baby is a recipe for disaster. How far away do they live?

And the point about whether your MIL should be in close contact with the infection-breeding ground that is a small child is an excellent one. Chemo wards will not let children in the door usually due to the risk to immuno-compromised patients.

It's not going to work is it? Someone who is feeling very unwell + small noisy baby = not good. I really don't think it would be in your PILs best interests (or yours!) to stay with you. Maybe the healthcare professionals can point out the disadvantages?
You can still help, of course. Offer to cook a few extra dinners for the freezer, organise an online shop for them (if they can't do it themselves) and your DH can pop round after work to put a load of washing on and hoover round. And if your FIL can drive he can certainly learn how to change a bed and wash up.
I know it must be difficult for you, but Mr Foot has to connect firmly with Mr Ground.

This is totally not reasonable. You have a newborn to care for and that is a full time job. You cannot also be a full time nurse to a terminally ill woman and a full time housekeeper to an elderly man - those are the jobs of 3 people ( and you are presumably also recovering from the birth).

Being in a house with a newborn baby is really not going to help your MIL - what happens when the baby cries and disturbs her sleep? What happens when MIL needs some kind of care at the same time the baby needs feeding ? What happens when you want to take the baby out ?

Is your husband normally this controlling? This might well be great for him - he looks like the caring son while you exhaust yourself doing all the work and save everyone else money

The best solution would be for pil to stay in their house with their own space and where it is quiet, and pay for professional carers.

Your DH really is being unreasonable here, although it sounds like his mum is putting a lot of pressure on him which is awful.

The main issue here actually appears to be FIL. It should be him stepping up to care for his wife, with support from outside agencies and family. He obviously views it as 'women's work' though.

I think that if your DH thinks this is that important then he will take leave from work. If he won't then it can't be that important to him. The fact that he is more prepared to fuck up his marriage than his career doesn't paint him in a great light tbh.

My immediate family are more important and come first, I wouldn't even consider moving my parents in and putting dp in that kind of situation. Dp's mum was close to death just recently and it was never even mentioned that she could stay with us, she stayed in hospital and then at home with carers coming in and dp going round to help when he could. We also had a newborn at home at the time.

Neither of us have had a particularly close relationship with our parents though which may put a different slant on our attitudes.

Your DH is being deeply unreasonable to expect you to care for his terminally-ill parent and other parent while you are on mat. leave with a newborn, while he is too busy scurrying up the career ladder to do anything himself.

I agree that there is a huge difference between supporting him in his caring for a sick parent, and being expected to do it yourself.

In answer to your question, not for a second. My mother's unpleasant mother lived with us for years in poor health when I was a child - we had a tiny house and were already terribly overcrowded, and my grandmother shared my parents' bed with my mother, while my father spent most of seven years sleeping on a sofa - and it was a miserable way to grow up, with my father exhausted and frustrated and trying to hide it, my mother thinking that being a dutiful daughter was more important than her own children's quality of life, and us four children tiptoeing around as if we were in an old people's home.

I don't often suggest showing someone a thread, but in this case I reckon it might be good for the DH to see the opinions here.

I am another who says DO NOT DO IT.

I saw my parents caring for my grandad. Mum had 4 siblings who between them did as little as possible and left 99% of the care on mum and dad's shoulders. I resented the fact that my mum's sibling quite clearly expected me to help mum, while I was a teenager. This didn't change until I finally snapped and told them it was their responsibility, that I was only a grandchild and they were the children.

It had massive impact on my parents sanity, and their marriage only just survived. Their health was also massively impacted, and even now, more than 10 years after grandad died, they still haven't fully recovered and probably never will.

And that's with both my parents working as a team. In the OP's case, with her 'D'H putting his career ahead of looking after his parents, I feel that is is grossly unreasonable to expect her to do everything, while also looking after a newborn.

It's clear to me that they are glossing over the details precisely because they all expect her to do this.

Agree with Fry - they are glossing over because they expect you to do it.

You need to make a list of everything that will need to be done as a result of them moving in ie

Nursing care - daytime weekdays
Nursing care - evenings
Nursing care - night times
Nursing care - weekends
Driving to appointments
Additional cleaning
Etc

And make them put someone in each of these slots - only then can you make a decision.

You also need to make it very clear that the baby comes first and that you will not be compromising baby's care for MIL. So if the baby needs its nappy changed at the same time as your MIL falls down the stairs you will step over MIL's body on the way to the changing table, sort out baby, then call an ambulance. (Slight exaggeration but that is how I would feel.)

Personally I wouldn't touch this with a barge pole unless firstly dh was willing to take the time off (partly to help, partly to prove it is important) and a large amount of nursing care was being brought in.

OP I'm currently watching my Mum and in laws running around after their elderly and ill parents, doing all the shopping, going to the bank, hospital trips, visits to A&E and hospital admissions, cleaning their houses, picking up medicines, trips to the GP, etc etc. they are so stressed over it and they have carers everyday. I can't tell you how much my Mum worries.

Add this to what you'll be doing 24 hours a day. What happens when your mil needs medicine picking up, trips to the hospital, calling an ambulance in the middle of night when she's sick, the emotional support when her hair starts to fall out because of the chemo. When she has horrible mouth ulcers and needs mouth care, when she gets sick and can no longer eat and drink or feed herself, when the chemo makes her sick and she's vomiting, when she's soiled herself or needs washing and changing. What about when you're feeding your DD and you want go out and meet friends? What about if you want a holiday or time off? Who is going to step in? It's a full time job. How are you going to do this, look after your DD, oh and wait on your fil hand and foot?

Your DD deserves her Mum around and deserves a childhood too. I remember being on holiday as a child and we had to cut it short as my Dad needed to go to hospital.

Where will your time off be?

It's not just as I'm sure your DH thinks it is (if he's thinking at all), making cups of tea and meals. It's nursing care (I'm a nurse too).

It's all very well your mil saying she doesn't want help, well that's not realistic or fair. Expecting you to pick everything up isn't fair on you or your DD. Show your DH this thread, he hasn't a clue.

I would be extremley pissed off with my DH. Telling me i can care for HIS parents, whilst looking after a newborn, recovering from giving birth and keeping a household running while he goes to work because of his career and how important it is?!

I have a 6 month old and a 4 year old.
Some days, i dont get time to eat

I would tell "D"H that if he wants his parents to move in he will have to do the care and i'll support and help out.

He is being a twat. Sorry.

This will be an impossible situation and you will be in a bad place with your newborn.

Chemo is no joke.. nausea, insomnia hallucinations and bone weariness.You can not cope with many smells.I could not cope with a half hour visit from beloved friends.

Was lucky to have an (unmarried son) and DH around to make little meals often.Who will do this as they monitor the frightening weight loss?Also the auto immune thing...I had to avoid babies and children.

Please show your husband this.There is a lot of help available if they ask for it.You could not possibly do this alone!

I looked after my daughter when she was having chemo for leukaemia. It was a FULL TIME job. Ad he wants you to skivvy for your FIL, too, who will never move out once your MIL is gone. You say NO. it is not 'looking after' someone, it is nursing.

I had a spreadsheet with all Dd1's drugs and dosages.

And when they get near the end, you will live on Red Bull and coffee.

I agree that for relatives to move into a couple's house both of the couple have to be happy with it. Also he is expecting you to do the looking after, that's unfair. If he was single would he still be moving them in to his house?
Looking after frail enderly relatives is very time consuming and carers have to clarify how much time they are willing to spend on this and how much will have to come from home helps/ social services etc to ensure their own physical health and sanity.
With a young baby he's asking you to take on alot. I'd be moving them into near by shelterd accommodation.

Gotthmoon makes a very valid point about the nausea associated with chemotherapy - is your MIL going to feel particularly unwell given the smells associated with nappies, vomit etc?

What will happen to FIL if/ when the worst happens if he gas been living with you for 1 yr +. Will he want to go back to his house, will he be able to care for himself without MIL?

Personally I would support them in their own home ( if they are further away encourage them to find a property that meets their needs close by ) you can then look at providing additional support (paid careers or dh etc).

I would not be moving them in . Especially as you have no idea how when of how this will end.

Your dh feeling guilty us not a reason for you to take this on.

My mum has just gone through chemo, the week she was diagnosed we moved an hour away. If we'd known i wouldn't have moved but even so, with a 18 month old and a mahoosive baby bump i was next to useless to her.

As time went on it became clear that we couldn't help, her immune system was destroyed, she didn't see any dgc's for 6 months.

She sleeps fitfully, spends hours wandering the house, she hides from the news as she can't cope with sad stories or tragedies. She was on a very restricted diet and even then ate like a sparrow. She just couldn't cope with life and people, i think your dh needs to talk to people who have been through this for a reality check. We had no idea how hard this was going go be, she couldn't have lived with us and nor would she have wanted to but it was heartbreaking not being able to help.

She wouldn't contact macmillan as that meant acknowledging she has cancer so i don't know how they can help.

This might come across as a bit brutal , but you mention in your OP that your marriage is already rocky. Is it worth pointing this out in family meetings - not only is your marriage at risk from the extra workload being put on you given that DH and FIL won't help and MIL won't accept outside help, if the marriage breaks down then moving everyone out of the marital home would be huge upheaval while MIL is unwell.

How are you doing Perspective? As other posters have said, the detail really needs thrashing in respect of who would do what/what would be expected, etc. However you have every right to say no to them being in your home and your DH needs to respect your wishes as his wife and the mother of his child. I really believe you shouldn't ask another person to do anything you wouldn't be prepared to do yourself. Your DH needs a reality check.