To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

[PerspectiveNeeded]

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b*h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

Really grateful for your views - thanks in advance!

YADNBU! Do not do this, you will resent it forever and you will never get the time with you newborn back.

I can't believe your selfish arse of a DH is expecting you to do all this while he blithely goes about his everyday business! And your FIL doesn't sound much better - why isn't he stepping up?

For me, parents are hugely important. I would (and did) do everything in my power to facilitate DH's wish to care for his terminally ill mother, as I did not want him to have any regrets. It was not easy or convenient at times, but it was important to him and so I had to suck it up.

However, enabling DH to care for his mother was one thing. Caring for her myself would have been entirely different. I could not have done this, and DH never expected me to. I think your DH is BU to expect you to take this on, especially when you have a very young baby.

And another thing - if FIL can do so little apart from drive, what happens when MIL passes away? Does he stay with you? No thank you. I understand the woman is ill, but it's not for you to be their carer.

My Ps have made it plain to me that they do not expect us to look after them in their old age and have also said that if we can afford child care we should pay for it and not expect them to do it for free. Which seems completely reasonable to me.

My friend looked after her terminally ill mother-in-law whilst pregnant and with a new born. She had to give up breast feeding after a week as she just couldn't get the time to sit feeding despite having fed her first ds for 18 months. she feels it has affected her whole relationship with her ds.

You need to look into what care they really need involving the professionals and whether their needs would be best met arranging the care in their own home. If the move in with you dh needs to take the time off to help you.

I'd also be concerned that once FIL was establiahed in your house then he won't ever move out again, even after MIL has passed.

OP you say the prognosis isn't good but when i was a child, my Mum cared for my terminally ill Dad for three years.

Please don't underestimate how hard this will be, not only on you but your children. My mum spent a lot of time at hospital the more ill he got. I had a very different child hood (although she tried to make it as normal as possible). I remember her cleaning up the vomit, the wheelchairs starting to arrive, him being in a state, not knowing where he was.

Caring for someone with cancer is a big responsibility which will only grow the more ill she gets. Who will be looking after your DD when you're cleaning up the vomit, getting her washed and dressed, calling the ambulance at 3am when she goes downhill?

I don't think your DH or his parents realise what's involved here.

TBH, the chemo itself is unlikely to make her very ill. Tired, yes - but all other side effects are very well controlled. My DH worked all through his and his prognosis was also very, very poor.

Another thing to consider is her immune system. With chemo; bugs and illness become very threatening things indeed. It's possible that an elderly lady living in a house with children would be exposed to way more germs than she would have done living in her own home.

I am unsure what would be gained by moving them in with a young family. For someone who is going to have some fairly punishing treatment, it will be an enormous strain. Chemotherapy is awful, overwhelming treatment but it doesn't make you ill as such.

I think you need support to prevent you getting railroaded into this. Macmillan nurses are good, your mil should have one already. Age uk, citizens advice, mil's hospital should have a Maggie's centre, they will give you lots of advice and help you navigate this. Use them, they're all free.

Mil obviously comes from the old school where children look after elderly parents. She wants A, B and C, and screw what you want. Just because someone has cancer it doesn't mean their wants override everyone else's practical boundaries. Sounds harsh but it's true. Grinding an unwilling family member with no professional knowledge of cancer into the ground, shouldn't be acceptable to your husband, marriage issues or not. Everyone needs to work together with the support of the professionals to cone up with a solution workable for everyone.

Does your DH have any siblings? What support are they intending to provide?
The obvious solution is to pay someone to clean and possibly cook in PILs house. DH can pop in on his way home from his fabulously important career and you could probably commit to dropping by a day or two a week as baby gets bigger. Then you can see what else is needed as she gets iller.

But having them in your home where you will be doing the caring, just because you are a woman? No and no and no.

Actually I think wowfudge has a very valid point. I do not do childcare for dgs. I will take him in an emergency or occasionally to let dsd go out but I know both she, and others have think I should take him whilst she works. I do not expect my step children or children to look after me in my old age. However I can see the dynamics may be different in a family where grandparents have given up a lot of their time to look after grandchildren.

it can't be glossed over. You have to sit everyone down and say - who is responsible for shopping? cooking? cleaning?
providing company. It sounds like it is something you could do but with a nurse and cleaner coming in frequently. Is that something you can afford? DH needs to make some sacrifice here, either in terms of time or money, to facilitate the care of his parents. It can't just be left to you alone.

Are there cultural factors involved here, OP? I know that some Asian friend have been under huge pressure to care for their elderly PIL, as it's considered the done thing for DILs to take this on.

My grandfather lived with us for around 6 months while he was terminally ill with cancer, when I was a teenager. From a personal point of view, I'm glad I had that time with him before he died, but it was incredibly tough on my mum, and that was looking after her own father. I think it would be difficult to care for someone who wasn't your own parent in such circumstances.

My primary family would come first. Surely any partner would have as much say in who moved into their home as the other. So if one says no then no it is.

If personal care and nursing is required for your MiL that can be provided so you won't have to do that.

Your OH only has one mother and it isn't unreasonable to want her with the family at this time.

My concern would be getting FiL out if the worse should happen to MiL.

It sounds like you (as an extended family) have the money to pay for professional help. You must not agree to anyone moving in unless the professional help is arranged. That's going to mean you having access to both sets of finances, as you won't be able to do a lot if your 'DP'/'DFIL' don't see what help is needed and won't pay. It would be a lot better for PILS to be supported in their home.

I actually think you need some form of family mediation with a trained mediator - this could ruin your and DD's lives and break up your marriage if important things are simply brushed under the carpet (do you have a job, by the way - are you expected to give that up too?)

Try this agency or a similar one for some advice, or Macmillan: www.consultuscare.com/contact-us

My friend had his parents to stay for an extended period while his mum had chemo, to cut down on travel for them. It was basically like a B&B arrangement but with more emotional support. No-one was expected to give up their life, and he is their blood relation after all (the other son has a young family and no space).

I think it's outrageous to dump responsibility on your partner, although of course one would expect support with organisation. Even very career orientated people I know have taken carers' leave etc - organisations do understand this happens.

I wouldn't want it, no.

My mum looked after my dad's dad for 7 years!! I was 11 when he moved in after a stroke and he stayed until I was 18.

My mum lived 300 miles away from her parents and had to care for my grandfather while my dad was at work, of course...

Seeing that growing up, made my mind up that no, i would not do it... not fair on the family... and similarly i would not want to impose on my daughter. or her family at all (she is only 2 so it will be a long time coming)

you are not BU

having a newborn is such hard work and you need the peace to cherish that

Your dh is being incredibly u.
If he is so concerned about his parents, let him arrange proper care for them!
Also very good points about your mil and her needs. Sharing the house with a child when you have a compromised immune system is a really bad idea.
It's admirable that your dh wants to care for his mother....except he doesn't does he? He wants you to do it!

Link that links. I have no connection with this agency, but my DPs found them a lifesaver.

www.consultuscare.com/contact-us

Its hard to provide care to a terminally ill person but i'd like to think i would try if this was DHs mum or dad and it was what he wanted.

A persons parents will always be that and getting married makes them no less important. Its quite sad how many see them as second best once they are married.

Make your decision wisely, you will have to love with it the rest of your life. What if this was in reverse and you wanted to be there for a loved one and your DH said no way. Would you be happy?

OP, I think your DH is a good and kind son for wanting to help.

However, you need to sit down and figure out how this will work in practice! Will you end up being everyones carer? If that's the case then you need to say that's unreasonable.

No parent will be moving in with us EVER.

Do not do this. Many people badly underestimate the emotional and additional financial costs when it comes to being a carer. Your H has not given this enough, if any, thought frankly.

My mum had my late nan to stay during chemo treatment and it did impact on the whole family in a myriad of ways. We were all adults by this stage but it was still extremely difficult. I would never suggest anyone takes on such a responsibility like this because it is extremely draining; it made my mother ill with stress and worry. With a newborn as well, its just not possible.

Don't do it. There are support services out there who can help if things get more difficult. I'm not saying don't be involved at all, but don't allow yourself to fall in to the martyr role. I can see what's in it for everyone else - how lovely for everyone else to have you there being the carer! We have never really had an upfront conversation about this, but I gave told my OH that I will always put our child with SN first. Not sure if he picked up my drift but seeing as he didn't set foot in the hospital once when my dad was dying, I'm assuming he's not expecting me to take on the primary caring role for his parents! I'm not saying don't be involved but this scenario sounds like a nightmare and isn't necessary to be fair. As a family, you need to be looking forward and working out what help is available. It will break you if you do it all yourself.

Caring for a newborn baby is a full time job - that's why maternity leave exists.

Your DH has wonderful motives but is an area for refusing to discuss the ins and outs of how this would work.

I feel sorry for his mum. It's clear that FiL will not wash the sheets, do toileting, make food - so who will? No wonder she's laying on the emotional blackmail she must be terrified.

Will you constantly be facing a messy kitchen because he's never had to put a cup away? That would have broken me in the early baby days (if on the rare chance I tidied up it got messed up again).

I worry that this is a decision being forced on you with everyone else's needs coming first. It may be that this does happen but you and DH need to agree a clear set of "rules".

What he can do is take his 2 weeks. FFS if the Prime Minister manages it so can your DH.

Arse not area - my auto correct is very prudish