To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

[PerspectiveNeeded]

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b*h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

Really grateful for your views - thanks in advance!

I read a self-help book which suggested looking at the parents' lives to see how their generation had dealt with aged rellies. The chances are it was not your DMIL because anyone who has cared for aged rellies does not wish it on anyone else.

If you find this is the case and the responsibility was landed on some other poor family member it is much easier to stand up to the 'I expect my DCs to look after me in old age' brigade when they spout this stuff.

MIL is probably very frightened just now and wanting others to take on part of this sad problem. Start seriously looking into proper care, even though there will be resistance as that is what is definitely best for her, even if it costs money. Can you get the local health visitor and GP on side? And DH surely can be 'shamed' into not putting his career first at this point.

I mean proper care in their own home. You should not be counted as part of this.

I am undergoing chemo, other than the cancer I'm fit and healthy and well able to look after myself. And my side effects are very manageable and short lived.
HOWEVER, I relish the peace and quiet once DC leave for school. I would hate to be in somebody else's house, fitting in with their lives. I wouldn't cope well with baby crying regularly.
My mom also had cancer. She was cared for at home. My dad never had been involved in cooking or cleaning, but was wonderful. We had a rota for myself and siblings to help out, which involved overnight stays at the end. We all helped out with meals. We had fantastic support from cancer nurses. Additionally, my moms friends used to come visit her. That would not have happened very much if she was staying with one of her children.

So besides not being at all fair to you, I don't think it is a suitable setup for your MIL either.

This needs serious talking through, perhaps with a nurse from her medical team.

What Pobblewhohasnotoes says - looking after someone with terminal cancer is a full time job, and you WILL NOT be able to do it with a newborn.

Maybe you should make plans for you and baby to move out.

It is such a private decision, the new born is a very important factor. My DM was further along, chemo was never even an option the cancer was too far gone. Prior she always stated she never wanted her DCs to be her carers but fear and sadness (and the drugs) changed how she felt. DP supported whatever I felt I needed to do and his family helped. However if it was MIL then if he wanted to be there then it probably would fall to me as he is the main bread winner. Everyone's case is so different my parents had no DCs close as we had moved away which made it complicated. I was pregnant with young DCs, we worked care out but DM passed before DS2 was born which was sad but practically was for the best. The care for your newborn needs to be addressed by your DP.

Your husband is being a complete prick about this.

He thinks that because you are a woman that he can shift all of his responsibilities on to you.

These are HIS parents.

He has no fucking business expecting you to look after them.

Apart from anything else, only one of them is ill.

So there is no need for either of them to move anywhere.

I would tell him to move into their home if he's so bothered about providing care for them, but to stop treating me as his little skivvy woman, there to do his bidding and make his life enjoyable while mine was totally shit and ruined by caring duties.

His parents need to be in their own home. I'm pretty sure if I was that ill I'd want my own bed and my own comforts.

Your dp needs to step up and take some leave.

I think this case is very much dependant on how one person has been raised with a family and family relations. I know for me and my OH it would never be an option to move in a parent for any more than a short period of time (say a month, max) because we're not that way inclined. However, I know many people where this would not be a problem.

Cancer can last for years, or only weeks. It really is impossible to say, and it can at times be extremely challenging for everyone involved. Cancer doesn't just affect the ill person - the whole family is effectively ill. I say this with first hand experience (mum), and it can require full-time care from family for years on end, with no breaks. Him expecting you to take this on in addition to a newborn is absolutely insane - it might be different if you had children who are old enough to look after themselves, but even so it does affect them in a very negative way, to live so close on top of it. It's up to the partner of the ill person to care - not you. If he wishes to care for them and help, he can do so at their house, but not leaving it up to you. Enable him to do the work - not doing it for him.

My dad cared for my mum whilst she was ill for 2 years - the last 6 months full time without working at all - and he's now off work for 2 months to recover himself (mum passed away) - and he's in his fifties, fit and healthy with lots of family round to help, and no newborn in the house. Whilst my younger sister still needed some looking after, she got minimal attention and now got major issues with school etc (she's 16 but very immature). Do not underestimate the major stress and impact it will have on all of you.

I really hope you find a solution, your husband is being so unreasonable I don't really know what to say.

So he wants you to be an unpaid nanny for his child plus an unpaid carer for his parents. Wow.

Nichy - 'unpaid carer for his child': it's her child too. That's rather OTT.

Are you going back to work OP? As I would, and I'd inform my DH of that fact.

"Your husband is being a complete prick about this.

He thinks that because you are a woman that he can shift all of his responsibilities on to you.

These are HIS parents.

He has no fucking business expecting you to look after them.

Apart from anything else, only one of them is ill.

So there is no need for either of them to move anywhere.

I would tell him to move into their home if he's so bothered about providing care for them, but to stop treating me as his little skivvy woman, there to do his bidding and make his life enjoyable while mine was totally shit and ruined by caring duties."

This is the best post on the thread so far

100% agree with the above

As they keep glossing over things when they try to discuss things, I would get your point of view in and put it in there straight that:

• you have a newborn baby that needs lo

Run for the hills. Everyone seems to matter in this scenario except you. Neither the PIL nor DH seems to understand what caring would involve. There is every chance you will end up having to do intimate personal care, and being hated for it by an embarrassed relative who fears being helpless.

It is an incredible grind that strains even the most loving long term relationships (something we are seeing in my family at the moment). The medical appointments, admin, administering drugs, added housework-it just goes on. It is dispiriting drudgery a lot of the time. What chance have you got?

And why on earth do people who can afford care want to take your focus away from their newborn (grand)child?

If this is imposed on you, leave. Honestly. And I say this as someone who is not remotely a poster who shouts 'LTB!' all over threads.

Argh. Stupid phone. I slipped and it posted too soon.

What I was about to say:

1. I have a newborn that needs full time care and then some. I am already sleep deprived and exhausted. There are already things that I would like to do that I do not have time for.

1. I would like extra help and support for me at the moment. I certainly do not have the energy or the time or the wherewithal to take on anything else at the moment.

1. I will not become mil's carer. If she comes here then it is only if she has proper nursing and caring support from the community nurse, Macmillan nurse, social services carers etc. If she refuses these then fil and dh can do the caring, both the personal care and the support care (washing sheets, cleaning, cooking etc). If mil needs care and neither fil or dh are available then she can wait until they return as I will be caring for newborn or catching up on sleep if dc is napping.

1. Anybody who creates mess in the kitchen will bs expected to tidy it up especially you fil

1. There is no such thing as women's work - so fil will be expected to do his share of cooking, cleaning, washing etc. Driving mil to appointments does not provide a get out clause to this.

1. If I am stuck on the sofa feeding dc then I get to chose what is watched on the tv. If anybody else doesn't like it they can go to watch something in their own room (assuming that it's not a linked up system where watching in one room means that is also shown in another room).

1. If I am making a big meal occasionally such as a roast then I am happy to make enough for PIL to eat with us every week or two - this is to be thought of as the exception. However under normal circumstances, as I am usually grabbing a quick snack around newborn's feeding and napping, I will continue to do this and PIL will be responsible for getting their own food and tidying up immediately after themselves. They can have a small fridge and food cupboard in their bedroom to enable this.

1. Under no circumstances will I provide personal care for mil. It's not something I wish to do in any way, let alone someone who is not a relative, and if fil and dh cannot be bothered to do it for mil when they are much closer to her than I am then a) why the hell do they expect me to do something they are not prepared to do themselves and b) that is what professional carers are there for.

1. Baby's needs come first at all times.

1. Etc etc

I am the first to admit that these are pretty harsh. But as an opening gambit to shock the others into listening to you and realising that you are not a pushover nor are you their slave and that they can't just stick their fingers in their ears, sing la la la and assume you will do everything. Or indeed, anything, particularly when they are expecting not to do it themselves.

Just keep repeating to mil and the others that if she does come to you, the only way she will be getting care is from fil, dp and from paid carers coming in. If she says that she wants family (ie you!) to do it, just repeat that you can't so it's this or nothing (if you are prepared to let her stay - if not then it's a moot point). Make sure that you have the number of who to call to order carers from on your phone so if you do get pushed into having them there against your will, you pull out your phone and order them there and then.

I really hope you don't get trapped into doing this - it sounds a nightmare. But I think you have to be very clear up front now about you excluding yourself from all the care arrangements and everytime they murmur about it will sort itself out point out that you will not be doing it, they will.

It might be a difficult thing to say so write it down and practise it in your head lots beforehand so you don't get talked down and ignored or bullied. You could even email them to make sure they get the message that they don't seem to understand that you are not going to be a carer and before anyone moves anywhere you want to know who will be doing everything (and inserting a list of every tiny little task you cam think of).

Also - what would your dh say if you were to say them or me? And if it's them then he needs to move in with them. Very difficult thing to say if you don't want to split up.

Good luck in sorting this out!

Any progress, OP? :)

If he wants them to move in then I would be saying that I meed help. I would be asking for a cleaner for an hour every week day or every other day. A part time nanny to help with childcare so you can rest. His parents may not want help in your home butnit doesn't stop you hiring people to help out.

Tell him you will go back to work now and he can take over your maternity leave and this care that he is proposing.

If that leaves you short of cash, you can live off the proceeds from the sale of PIL's house.

See what he says.

Why does what he wants with his life (career progressin) and what FIL wants with his life (doing no caring including refusing to cuddle your DD, FFS) matter more than what you want for your life and also than your DD's life opportunities? Would he take a job without reading a job spec? No? Then why does he expect you to do so?

You are not a bitch. They want you to fix all their problems and don't give a fuck about what you want.

This cuts close to bone on 2 counts.

Years ago my MIL had a very serious heat attack, spent months in hospital then couldn't go straight home as she was a carer for her elderly FIL and DF and the house wasn't suited to her needs then. She temporally came to ours until a convalescence home could be found, I unwittingly found myself having to care for her and help her shower, she had a bell. Then my husband just casually said to me, of course she could stay for as long as she needed. I'd been made redundant and he assumed I'd give up work. I went fucking mental, had a massive meltdown when she rang the bell to say a friend was coming over and they'd both need lunch. As it was, she took a turn for the worse, went back into hospital and died there 2 months later

Then 3 years back FIL was diagnosed with vascular dementia. I was going in twice a day to help and give pils etc and then he was admitted to hospital and I organised for a care company to do 2 visits a day. In that time I was the primary point of contact as he'd forget where he lived and go wandering. I would have wanted him in a care home a good couple of months before my DH and SIL thought he needed to but they weren't there like I was and I needed to support them so they didn't resent me.

My own mum has an incurable low grade cancer which is managed and hopefully will be kept under control. She's seen how my MIL suffered as a carer, and sly he stresses on me in my limited caring experience and has said if ever she needs help, she would want to go in a home rather than be a burden. With us having a DD at home, having the stress of the practicalities of a terminal familiar member, and the emotional strain this would be on my DD and all of us, we'd not care for anyone at home.

I utterly agree with zipzap. Go in hard first, then bend on things IF it suits YOU.

But tbh, I can't see any one of her points 1-8 that should be compromised on. Point 9 perhaps then, once the definitive boundaries are established.

:)

OP?

OP can you explain whether your FIL is also incapacitated or whether he just doesn't want to look after MIL?

There is no way I would agree to this by the way. DH has a bloody nerve. If he wants them to move in and be looked after he should be doing it himself.

I think you just have to say" no, I won't be able to cope with this, find another solution", and keep repeating it.