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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask about balance between PIL and DP/DC

124 replies

PerspectiveNeeded · 19/02/2014 22:59

Apologies for the list of questions but I really do want to be reasonable and currently trying to steer my marriage through a potentially rocky patch.I'm so sad that we've reached this point and trying not to be a b*h.

Do you feel that your "primary" family (DP/DC) should be a higher priority than your parents and are there any circumstances in which this might be reversed (specifically, the serious illness of a parent)?

Would you consider it acceptable to move an ill parent into the family home of your primary family even where you knew that your OH was unhappy about this and where it was causing her/him stress?

Would you feel differently depending on the age of your DC? Would it be less acceptable if your DC was newborn as opposed to, for example, 10 or 15 years old?

Really grateful for your views - thanks in advance!

OP posts:
spritesoright · 19/02/2014 23:40

I think it's totally unreasonable for him to ask you to take care of his parents while you have a newborn. Ridiculous. And the fact that he won't take on the responsibility for 'career reasons' just takes the cake. He clearly has no idea how difficult and stressful it can be to take care of a new baby.
I second the idea of someone going to them to help out. When MIL had cancer she hired a sort of au pair who came and lived with them and took care of meals, cleaning and some childcare I believe.

spritesoright · 19/02/2014 23:40

I think it's totally unreasonable for him to ask you to take care of his parents while you have a newborn. Ridiculous. And the fact that he won't take on the responsibility for 'career reasons' just takes the cake. He clearly has no idea how difficult and stressful it can be to take care of a new baby.
I second the idea of someone going to them to help out. When MIL had cancer she hired a sort of au pair who came and lived with them and took care of meals, cleaning and some childcare I believe.

YeahThatsWhatISaid · 19/02/2014 23:45

I really, really wouldn't want to look after my DHs parents in our house. His Mum is a nice lady but I would hate it if she moved in. I would never move my parents in either. I don't complain if my DH spends time and lots of our money on his parents but I like my personal space.

Preciousbane · 19/02/2014 23:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingercat2 · 19/02/2014 23:49

I think it will be physically and mentally too hard for you to care for your newborn and a sick PIL. It would only work if the other PIL can do most of the care for their spouse.

wouldbemedic · 19/02/2014 23:49

I grew up in a home where my seriously disabled grandparents were constantly staying for significant periods of time. There were three of us kids of 6,9 and 12. It changed everything and took all we had to give. Not saying it's a bad thing to have parents moving in (especially if you happen to be very laid-back, energetic and embracing of change). But it required 100% from everybody, more so than fostercare (which we also did). Personally, I wouldn't mind if my partner didn't feel up the task of moving in a parent to live with us and to be cared for by us. This is his home, after all. It's like walking on a tight-rope and makes everything seem very sad sometimes - constant reminders that it comes to us all. You've got to have your head in the right place to deal with it all, it's not fair otherwise, and you probably can't just 'get' your head into the right place for such a unique and draining adventure.

MissHobart · 20/02/2014 00:00

I would say no and I wouldn't move my parents in either, it's our house, if they need caring for it can be arranged with local services/GP. If he wants to look after them he can move in with them no?!

Filofax · 20/02/2014 00:12

A request too much for a mother of a newborn. Are there issues with travel or proximity to hospital or care from the other parent? Have they expressed a desire to move in?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 20/02/2014 00:13

Ha! Riiiight, so it's not actually a case of him wanting to care for his poor suffering parents and you not letting him because you're selfish... it's him wanting YOU to do the care for them, even though they're HIS parents, oh and care for the baby and no doubt keep the house running too? None of which - including his parents' illnesses - he sees as more important than his career progression?

Rearrange the words 'off' and 'fuck' for him. Then reiterate: if he wishes to care for HIS parents in their hour of need, you will support HIM in doing this as THEIR SON, by not expecting him to take on as much of the baby care burden as you otherwise might have done.

His career - no more important than yours currently is when there are caring responsibilities afoot, surely?

Or does not having a penis qualify you for the job of slave?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 20/02/2014 00:15

Oh and this isn't at all about 'balance' between families. Presumably if he was planning to take carer's leave or similar, then you'd be supporting him.

This is about your husband wanting you to do his shitwork for him.

MissHobart · 20/02/2014 00:37

What Bruno said!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/02/2014 01:05

If you guys can afford him taking time off, but he doesn't want to "for career reasons" (does that mean he didn't take any paternity leave?) then he can pay for a carer to look after his parent/s, surely. This just sounds a whole fucking lot like he sees you as a general mopper-upper of messes.

NoSquirrels · 20/02/2014 01:52

Um, Bruno has it!

If all things were equal, then yes, helping out family as much as is humanly possible is what is called for when there is a serious illness diagnosis. It's what you do.

However, if you are required to "look after" 2 extra people PLUS a newborn then no, you are not being unreasonable. Just thinking about our newborn days is enough to knock any idealism on the head!

If his parents (plural) are both on the scene, then surely you do not need to attend to the needs of 2 extra people. One ill, plus one carer, yes? If it is just physical proximity your DP's parents need (i.e. ease of getting to the hospital for chemo) then no problem, surely? Just make your expectations/limitations known in advance i.e. I will buy food/household goods for 4 adults but I will not be doing extra laundry/running waitress service etc for the duration. It may seem harsh to say up front, but better to get all your cards on the table. You can't afford to become default household-manager for an extra 2 adults plus a newborn.

maggiemight · 20/02/2014 02:09

Well, what is the real scenario.
Has the parent been given only a year to live, or less.

How is transport to and from chemo being organized.

How fit is other parent, will they cook and clean?

Is the parent expected to make a full recovery?

How big is your house?

Can you, or parents preferably, afford extra help round the house?

It sounds a bad idea to me, DH's guilt making him want to be seen by all and sundry to be supporting parents (but not actually impinging on his life much at all).

I presume it is DM who is ill therefore DF can't be left alone.

Tell DH if you step in then trained carers, Mcmillan nurses etc, won't and really that would be better for parent (not sure if this is true but it is v likely that if someone else is there then the NHS won't be) so other avenues must be followed up before resorting to this scenario.

zipzap · 20/02/2014 03:27

Agree that even without a newborn I'd be very wary of having both PIL to stay in these circumstances, especially if dh was unwilling to take any time off but expected me to be carer for both of them (whether that was just being household slave or extended to personal care for one or both of them).

With a newborn some of the things that saved my sanity were being able to do what I wanted when I wanted (within boundaries of looking after ds obviously!) so if I didn't end up getting dressed then who cares. Or if I slept whenever ds had a nap and left household chores - great. And having control of the sky box and remote control so that during the day if I was just sitting feeding ds or feeling doxy - I could watch what I wanted. It sounds petty if someone is suffering from cancer but you won't ever get that year back and if I'd had to spend it getting even more tired, watching what they wanted on tv, always needing to get dressed and having to do extra work to ensure they were ok rather than being able to crash and put myself and ds first it would have been very difficult.

Dh was very ill around the time ds ws born and so at home and needed caring for. He was asleep a lot of the time but even so I couldn't put ds's needs first, I had to look after dh. Even little things like when ds woke for a feed in the night my first reaction was to check dh was still alive, not to reach out for ds. It definitely changed that time and obviously I don't begrudge it as it was dh. But for a PIL, neither of whom I'm close to, it would have been a massive struggle.

How well do you cope with PIL visits normally? And how do they? Do you want to throw them out before they've notched up 24 hours? Do they expect life to revolve around their habits and not fit in with yours? Do they help out (and cause chaos!) or expect to be waited on, hand and foot?

Other things I'd want sorting out:
If there are conflicting demands, who gets priority? eg if you are expected to take PIL to all chemo appointments then what happens if it coincides with the baby's jab appointments? Or with the meet up that your nct group is having that you really want to go to, to see all the babies and catch up with everyone? Or watch your favourite programme but it clashes with theirs - and neither of you can stand each other's choice? Or you're feeding the baby and they want you to clean their room? Or they always want to hold the baby or start to wean at 6 weeks because they did and so start to do it when you're not around to see. Would they expect to invite friend's around and make you feel like your house isn't your own? Each one in itself is quite minor and petty but if you are the one that is expected to capitulate each time then it could be miserable for you.

And later on - what if you want to go back to work but dg doesn't want you to as you wouldn't be able to care for PIL? Would they want to babysit the baby if you went to work and you wanted to send it to nursery instead?

And most importantly - What would happen when the ill PIL died - would the other one expect to live with you forever more? Or what if the cancer went into remission - would they still stay with you?

Sorry for so many more questions but the fact that dh isn't willing to do any of the caring for himself but seems to think that you are at home on maternity leave with nothing to do so he can dictate that you will become carers for them both long term... That would irk me and sit very badly to be honest. Hell, the way I felf with a.newborn - I would feel hard done by if he had expected his parents to come for a week of respite, let alone forever!

PerspectiveNeeded · 20/02/2014 07:01

Maggiemight, yes, very sadly the prognosis isn't great. It seems unlikely that FIL will be doing any cleaning up on a day to day basis although we have a cleaner who comes in once a week so it hopefully shouldn't spiral out of control. FIL would be able to drive MIL to the hospital. We do have room in the house and could afford day to day help but they wouldn't have it - we've suggested it before and they are strongly resistant. MIL referred to how important it is to have family around you when you are elderly so that they can look after you.

Am guessing that MIL will be too unwell to look after DD and FIL has refused to babysit or cuddle DD so I don't think that they would do anything like early weaning without me.
Honestly, I'm not sure whether I'm being expected to provide nursing care or just "living in our house" care. I keep raising this and the matter keeps being glossed over.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 20/02/2014 07:09

How big is the house? Will they have their own sitting room.

A prognosis isn't a definite timescale. A friends mum was given a poor prognosis over a year ago, she's still here. Is it just to be during her chemo?

Do they actually want this or is it just DPs idea?

lunar1 · 20/02/2014 07:28

My elderly grandma lived with us for most of her last year, apart from some hospital stays.

I had a newborn and 3 year old. The difference is my dad and aunt ensured that I had carers coming in 3 times a day, and that they came round plenty so I could go out. She couldn't be left due to dementia.

I would do the same for any member of mine or dh's family. The difference is I had support and lots of it. Your dh needs to take leave and your pil need to accept carers if you do this.

DarlingGrace · 20/02/2014 07:40

I don't know really. There are so many factors to consider. Right from your relationship with the ILs to your own mental health in stressful situations.

DH and I always placed importance on our own families as well as our nuclear unit. My father was chronically ill all the way through my first and second pregnancies (which were back to back). In real terms I saw very little of my eldest when he was a baby because when I left work, I would go straight to the hospital and not get home until 9pm.

At one point I did suggest that we pool our resources and buy a bigger house and I give up work to care for Dad and the children but my dad isn't want to be a burden.

On the other hand, immediately after DF began to recover, MIL got quite ill, not so much ill but needy? We also suggested selling up and buying out MIL - retrospectively thankfully BIL queered that idea by suggesting we were gipping him out of his inheritance what inheritance

Even though DF and MIL would have been reasonably physically capable of minimal tasks, they would have been invaluable as a source of support, reading and talking to the children. I do think people underestimate that.

However, MIL and I would have eventually clashed, we both had quite domineering personalities.

Provided your personalities allow it, you have the room and privacy, and ther are ground rules don't discount it.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/02/2014 07:45

Bruno has it. Your DH is being incredibly selfish. You aren't a live in maid. Newborn days are hard enough.

It's all very well mil expecting family to look after you when you're elderly, but it isn't family is it, it's you.

Unless your DH sorts out a care package or whatever, I would keep telling him no. Even then you have very right to still say no. It's your house too.

You say this is a rocky patch, you caring for them could very well break your marriage entirely, if your DH is buggering off to work and leaving you to it.

It's all very well coming up with the idea but he's not actually doing any of the work is he?

Balistapus · 20/02/2014 07:47

So you're being lined up to provide nursing care for a terminally ill woman while you have a newborn? Wow, that's unbelievably selfish of your DH and his PIL.

Although a carer can be afforded your PIL don't want that, they want a family member to do it. Your DH doesn't want to do it. When you raise the issue it gets glossed over....so who's going to do it? They're all expecting you to do it.

It sounds like the only reason they are being moved in is so that you can do the nursing. Make it very, very clear that you will not be doing the nursing. I bet if you do that they may change their mind about moving in.

CookieLady · 20/02/2014 07:47

I suspect that it's being glossed over so that once they've moved in it'll be too late for you to say no.

Your husband's taking the piss. His parents = he should look after them not you.

In fact I would go as far as saying to him that he should move in with them.

Korora · 20/02/2014 07:48

YANBU. It sounds to me like everyone else has pretty strong ideas about what your role should be.

What do you think would work best OP?

attheendoftheday · 20/02/2014 07:48

I think everyone has to be in agreement to move someone into the family home.

I think your p is U to expect you to take care of his parents.

wowfudge · 20/02/2014 07:58

Bloody hell OP - your DH expects you to look after both of his parents. Not on. If FIL can drive, etc how come they can't stay at home and have people help them out there? Is it the case that FIL does none of the housework, cooking etc because MIL usually does it?

It's bad enough having short term visitors who expect to be waited on hand and foot without something like this. If your DP wants his parents in your home then he needs to do the looking after. Does he have any siblings who can help out? You could have a rota between you then and PIL stay in iwn home.

Also when someone is ill, they often prefer to be at home.

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