to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

[rabbitdisposal]

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go . Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

I think the bus is a red herring, you can catch one at any point as an adult with no prior practice

Allowing very young teen to go to places you have not vetted or even know they are actually there gives them the chance to get upto all sorts. Who knows where they actually are or what they are doing.

Parent as lax as you like but dont make out its for the greateer good of the child and not because its the less hassle option.

Can get 4 A's at A level, can't catch 3 trains alone - I think that says it all.

"Universities put on parents events for the simple reason that lots of parents do attend"

Oxbridge colleges (or at least the one I am associated with) put on parents' events for the simple reason that, unfortunately, an increasing number of parents are indeed now attending. They were joining the sessions intended for their children and having an inhibiting effect. Therefore the college put on separate parents' events to keep them out of the way.

It's just one example of the differences within a scale of perfectly normal parenting. I don't see why it's a problem for so many.
The majorityof children who have been protectively parented turn out fine, independent and able to socialise and function as teenagers.
Perhaps it's one of the reasons teens often become stroppy, unco-operative and hard work. They have the strength and stamina to push the boundaries, and because they are not your sweet little sugarlumps any longer, you think 'Fine, be like that' and let them go and get their lumps.

Don't think DS has been on a bus TBH, but he uses the trains a lot, and the underground.

Just because someone can catch a train alone doesn't mean they have to.

When I was 16 I travelled with a fellow 16 year old to London from the north west on the train without any issues. When I went to university interviews my parents came with me simply as a bit of support and company - and because the universities arranged tours for parents and stuff while the interviews were ongoing.

Back when I was a young warthog, the idea of a parent - and mine were appallingly overprotective in many ways - accompanying you to a university interview would have been pant-wettingly hilarious.

Oh good grief, no wonder there was no cotton wool left in Morrisons

I would LOVE my 9 year old to play out in the park with his friends but when I suggested they walk the 3 minute walk themselves I was met with horror from his friends parents. Have now outed myself as some kind of irresponsible parent.
My son walks to and from school, it is across the road at the end of my street. I can see it from my front window. When he has friends over they phone to make sure their DC will not be walking unsupervised.
My eyes nearly roll out of my head.

What would you do differently OP?

I've been on open day visits, I was asked as a second opinion. The life skills bit comes in when both she and I know that she could have managed fine without me.

There's a big difference between not taking a bus because other transport is more convenient & not being allowed to at 13 (which it sounds as is the case in OP). Whether that's because mummy thinks buses are dangerous or doesn't trust her teen not to get up to all sorts it isn't great.

Cometary different if a 13 year old hasn't been on a bus because the opportunity hasn't arisen.

One of DD1's friends is picked up from school every day. Her friends are loyally trying to work out a scheme for easing her into independence

Do parents really accompany their children to interviews? My mum dropped me off for one because she fancied a day out in Brighton but she didn't come near the door (she left me to find a b&b in Leicester - wasn't so keen on a day out there!)

An open day I could understand if parents are there to be nosy & give their opinion while accepting it might be ignored. But in the same building during an interview? Really?

Letting your dc go and become independent is a gradual thing and is different for everyone

We've just accompanied my dd1 to a couple of uni days
However she also took the train to another couple of uni days independently.

She seemed not bothered either way and seemed to enjoy both.
Both my dds were using trains and buses independently at 13.

Whoa there ruddyduck - take a glance at the HIgher ed forum and see the kind of things we're allowed to discuss on there - and the number of MUmsnetters with kids at Oxbridge - there are lots and lots and lots. Nothing to do with boasting - someone said that accompanying kids to uni interviews was over protective. I was giving you an illustration of where it's actually the norm.

Didn't get a twin room for the other two, snowdon unlikely to this time, thanks. Did help them choose their courses and suitable unis choices tho. OMG we're a family where parents get involved in kids' life choices. How dreadful are we!!

Notso, our school wont release a child on their own unless in year 6 where they have a letter on file from the parent giving permission.

I wouldnt have let DS go over to a friends at 9 where the parent wasnt collecting. Not sure why you think that is strange as i imagine lots wouldnt.

Keep your judgey beak out.

I can understand that rule in infants Happy but not juniors. When DS1 started walking home some of his classmates parents complained to the Head Teacher, they were concerned that their children would try and walk home too.
It really pisssed me off. Why should other parents get to say what is best for my child?

I think it is strange that parents can't allow their NT 10 yo (DS is the youngest in the year so still 9) to walk alone for approx 1-2 minutes and cross one road with a lolly pop lady. There is no reason I can see that this would be unsafe.

Do some of you seriously have the time to meet every single one of your DCs friends parents? I understand why you would do it in primary school but by secondary all that goes out the window. They mix with so many different people that half the time I don't even know where she is and she's been perfectly fine so far. There have been mixed sleepovers where I don't know whose going and it doesn't matter because I know she is sensible enough to know these things.

My kids would be seriously embarrassed if I demanded to meet or speak to all of their friends parents. If I pick them up from somewhere I wait in the car outside then text them to say that I'm here.

I was one of the ones who tended to ferry dc around due to convenience but they also all got the train too and from London to visit relatives alone, they also did DofE, they did foreign school trips etc. Not catching buses doesn't mean they were cossetted just that it was convenient. They were sent to the local shops for me from a youngish age but I wouldn't have let a 10 year old watch a 15 dvd without checking it first. My dc tended to play in the garden rather than the street but the garden is big and the road is one of those that drivers ignore speed limits on. The local park is far from local and not got the best reputation.

It's easy to pick little bits and make someone look unreasonable but I did most of the same as the op but my eldest is now successfully at uni in her second year, she's working hard and doing well, she knows I'm here if she needs me but I'm not breathing down her neck no twin rooms needed there

He sounds very caring and responsible.

She* yabu

I usually try to avoid these type of threads as I find them very upsetting.

I can imagine I have "friends" who think I am the kind of parent that OP has described. What people don't realise is that it is a MASSIVE struggle EVERY DAY to weigh up giving my DC a "normal" life and keeping them safe (to the best of my ability)

A previous poster stated upthread "What on earth does someone think can happen to a child alone on a bus?". That person either is very lucky or has no imagination. I had to go to school by bus and tube from age 11-16 and if you will allow me to give some examples of what happened

1. "flashed at"/exposed to by older men
2. someone injecting themselves with drugs
3. "touched up"
4. shown pornographic newspapers and magazines and many other examples of behaviour that Im sure you wouldn't want your DC exposed to.

Now, I'm sure there are people who read the above and think Im bullshitting but I can assure you Im not (also some of the above has happened to many of my school friends)

I was also sexually abused through out my childhood by my father which perhaps has coloured my view on life and leads me to be very protective of my children. Like I said earlier I really try to give them an "age appropriate" childhood but it is EXTEMELY difficult for me not to worry-I wish my Mum had done the same for me so if people want to mock or take the piss out of parents who "wrap their kids up in cotton wool" please try to show a little bit of empathy and understanding.

Thank you.

It isn't a wind up nanny, I know them in RL and the parents really do think it is good parenting- as shown on here.

Do you mean that you know the OP in rl, or the 'friend' Tamer?