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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

248 replies

rabbitdisposal · 19/02/2014 20:13

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go Hmm. Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

OP posts:
Weliveinabeautifulworld · 20/02/2014 07:59

never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own

I wouldn't let an 8 and 10 year old play outside alone either!!! What if someone snatched one of them?!?

MeMySonAndI · 20/02/2014 08:00

Yeah sure because it's easier for an emmetophobic to be in the constant look out for a wonderfully clean public toilet to wash her hands all the time Hmm

Each to their own...

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:00

You don't have to home in on buses, Sirzy. They can do Duke if Edinburgh awards etc- lots of places you can do life skills in a safe environment.

saintlyjimjams · 20/02/2014 08:01

Should be a gradual process of letting go.

We live centrally in a city so playing outside isn't an option for younger kids. When I knew ds2 would be bussing to
school from 11 I started sending him down the shop to pick up bits & pieces for me. Talked him through the traffic & crossings.

That's where it starts - by the time he's in 6th form I would expect him to be able to get himself anywhere in the country alone on public transport. Fgs he'll be a young adult - able to vote in upper 6. He shouldn't be making important decisions if he can't get on a bus without help.

harrietspy · 20/02/2014 08:02

My ds (11) gets a bus and train home from school across a big city, but I wouldn't let him watch a 15 film. The former gives him confidence and independence, the latter potentially exposes him to images he's not ready for and can't 'unsee'.

BeckAndCall · 20/02/2014 08:03

The fact that the OP hasn't come back to comment once in 6 pages shows us something.

When I read it, I thought she was describing me. Except my kids are now 23, 21 and 18. But they'd never been on a bus at that age ( doesn't work for us where we live - they got lifts , now take the train). Hand sanitizer - I work in the NHS so perfectly normal to me. Film ratings? - there to help me make my decision. Tea at somewhere I didn't know the parents? Very rarely - friends of friends only.

And I hate to say it, they've turned out well adjusted, independent, able to travel thousands of miles alone, capable of making their own decisions.

Rats, fell for the OP's plan and took the bait.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:04

Case proved- someone who thinks it perfectly reasonable,and good parenting , to never let an8 yr old and 10 yr old play out alone. Nothing will convince them it is lazy parenting so there is no point in even trying! Also proves OP is not a wind up - although it could be a reverse.

IsitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 20/02/2014 08:08

I'm still reeling from a post on page one saying that she wouldn't let her 13 year old on a bus alone!! Shock Shock

I live in London and my ds, 13, has been allowed to get buses and go out alone since year 6. My dd, 12, and her friends have walked to school together since year 4.

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2014 08:10

You seem to be in the minority viewpoint, Tamer, but just trying to shout people down who don't agree with you.

IsitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 20/02/2014 08:10

Sorry posted too soon!

Kids are perfectly safe and able to be independent from pre teens pretty much no matter where they live.

My kids would die of shame if I picked them up or took them to social events, unless it's arse end of nowhere and they need a lift!

theynevershutup · 20/02/2014 08:11

I think it's personal choice, she sounds like she is just trying to look after them. I use hand gel when I am out if I am going to eat and can't wash my hands and will give to DCs too but only because it makes my hands feel cleaner. The film thing I totally agree with, my 9 yr old DS would have nightmares watching something scary. The bus thing maybe a little OTT, but depends where u live live I suppose, but I totally agree with knowing who the parents are before letting them go around (for primary age definitely).

My mum was quite protective and I was quite an immature child, but I developed in my own time and by the time I was an adult I travelled all over the world, including going to work abroad by myself so it didn't do me any harm. I'm not a nervous/anxious adult at all. I think saying she is ruining their childhood is OTT, at least she cares about them!

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:13

I know- the sad thing is that I am a minority viewpoint. Even sadder that my children still think me a 'mother hen'!
All recent research backs me up. Over protection is bad for children. They need to learn to risk assess for themselves.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:14

I am heartened by the fact that although in the minority I am not alone.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 20/02/2014 08:14

I can't understand the bus thing either. I can only imagine that some parents worry that on a bus their delicate children might be exposed to the -shock horror -working class.

saintlyjimjams · 20/02/2014 08:16

I'm stunned that Tamerb is a minority voice on this thread. All the secondary school kids I know get themselves to school via public transport/walking & arrange to meet friends in town etc and they're year 7.

twosmallbuttons · 20/02/2014 08:18

Is this a reverse AIBU?

IsitwrongtofancyHarryStyles · 20/02/2014 08:20

Of course secondary school children should go to school on their own!

It's part of becoming independent and growing up.

All kids I know in real life do this - no matter if it's by overland train to another town, walking, or local buses.

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2014 08:20

It also depends on the dc themselves.

Ds1 was taking himself off on buses to meet friends from aged 13. Ds2 who is now 15 has never been on a bus. He has no interest in meeting up in town with his friends-seeing them at school is enough for him at the moment. I don't doubt that when he wants to, he'll be more than capable of taking a bus!

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 20/02/2014 08:21

Are you the 13 year old, OP?

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:23

Thank you, saintlyjimjams- same here! In fact my children would have said that I was over protective! I just wish they read MN so they could appreciate that I obviously wasn't!!
We live in a village and it does make you over reliant on the car and lifts because the last bus is 5.30pm. I can only think people have much younger children and haven't faced the fact that a bus is safer than a lift with the newly qualified driver friend - or that there will be a spate of parties in the 6 th form etc.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:26

And they haven't had the situation where you are lying in bed waiting to hear the key in the door at 2am when you know exactly where they are and who they are with.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:27

Mine said 'how will you cope when we are at university and you don't know where we are or who we are with'- but it hasn't the same, you don't know so you can't worry.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:28

Isn't not hasn't.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 08:29

I don't know any secondary school pupils who don't get to school and home alone, either walking, bus or train.

motherinferior · 20/02/2014 08:30