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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

248 replies

rabbitdisposal · 19/02/2014 20:13

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go Hmm. Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

OP posts:
TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:04

Are you sure this isn't a reverse AIBU?

saintlyjimjams · 20/02/2014 07:09

Stunned by how many people on here think it's good parenting to not allow a 13 year old to travel on a bus alone. I dread to think how needy the soon-to-be-adult generation are going to be.

12 year old ds2 said to me last night that he'd been asked into town to meet some friends & see a film. . I said 'that's fine, but I can't take you as I'll be out with ds1 & ds3 so if you want to go you'll have to take a bus'. We don't even live in London

Yep she sounds over protective to me as well OP (more to the teen than the younger ones) - I guess at least one of the three will have a teenage rebellion at some stage.

The hand gel stuff is not healthy - but I doubt there's any point trying to explain that.

Lets just hope she manages to cut the apron strings when necessary - that's when it all starts going really pear shaped IMO (see a million threads on here re controlling parents & PIL)

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:21

There is no point whatsoever, explaining. These people honestly believe they are good parents and nothing will convince them otherwise. You shake your head in disbelief in how many children and young people are treated- but there is no point in doing more.
Lilystem is 33 and never been on a bus and thinks it reasonable!
The mind boggles that she has never been on an airport bus, school trip, journey to school, met friends in town as a teenager etc etc that are normal experiences.

chrome100 · 20/02/2014 07:26

YANBU. I'm surprised by the number of people who say you are. Of course a 13 year old can get a bus on their own! In 3 years time they can leave home and get married. What on earth do you think is going to happen to them?

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:30

On another thread at the moment we have hoards of people saying that they wouldn't let their 6th former get a coach to a university interview alone, when it is a straight through journey- they get out on one end and get off at the other! We have now got the suggestion they do a dummy run with a friend at half term!! Goodness knows what these people think they will be doing in less than 24 months when actually a student- but I think a direct coach journey will pale into insignificance! Someone says they think they might be ready to do it by 19 yrs!! Since they have been an adult for a year by then you would have hoped they would have cut the apron strings by then and gone off travelling around Thailand - as many have!!

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:31

Sorry- get put on one end and off the other.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:36

You get one of 2 results- either they are fearful of the world because it is a dangerous place away from mother- or they cut the apron strings and run for the hills at 18. I don't like either.
As a parent your aim is to make yourself redundant. You give them roots and you give them wings. If you do it well they keep coming back because they want to. Clipping those wings is never a good idea.
It is also lazy parenting- so much easier to protect and do everything for them.

saintlyjimjams · 20/02/2014 07:38

If my 6th former was unable to get themselves to a university interview I would think I has failed as a parent tbh. Surely a big part of the role of a parent is to teach our children to be independent.

Snowdown · 20/02/2014 07:39

As a package she is OTT, damaging - not sure. Depends how her dcs take her behaviour - if she fails to flex and allow a reasonable amount of choice and freedom she may damage the relationship she has with her dcs.
Then again her dcs might with to avoid the big scary world choices and enjoy being cosseted treated like a younger child, many kids seem to struggle with growing up and taking responsibility for themselves, hard to know whether it's parents like her or society that cause this.

lilsupersparks · 20/02/2014 07:43

I'd never been on a bus until I went to uni. There were no buses worth speaking of where I came from. From about 16 I was allowed to go on the train to the local city. I was never allowed to sleep over at anyone's house and my parents always knew the friends and their parents if I went to tea. I was never ever ever allowed to play out or even go out at all without a specific destination in mind. Quite normal I would think?

intheround · 20/02/2014 07:45

People get really concerned that children should be independent . By the time they are adults, yes that should be the case, but its not a race over whose child gets there first. They will all get there in the end barring one or two extreme cases and this isn't one of them.

nennypops · 20/02/2014 07:48

I'm amazed so many people think it's fine never to let an 8 and 10 year old play out on their own, and dragging them off to the doctor every time they get a sniffle. And certainly my ds was travelling on trains and buses on his own at age 11, as were most of his schoolmates.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:50

Not in my world lilsupersparks! Were you tucked up in bed with cocoa at 9pm as a student? How did your parents make the huge jump to not knowing your friends, not knowing who you were with or where you were in a university city? It seems a huge leap from total protection in September to total freedom in October. Working up to it is far better protection IMO.

Nannyplumismymum · 20/02/2014 07:50

Really?!
Is this a wind up?!

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:52

It is very dangerous to let them loose on the world at 18, intheround, with no preparation.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:52

I still think it a reverse AIBU.

Sirzy · 20/02/2014 07:53

So much of the travel and playing out side of things depends on where you live. Some places a safer to play out than others, some places have awful travel links. It's impossible to say that by a certain age children should be able to do something like that because there are too many variables.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:53

It isn't a wind up nanny, I know them in RL and the parents really do think it is good parenting- as shown on here.

DinoSnores · 20/02/2014 07:54

Not really the point of the thread but just wanted to say:

"I do the hand sanitizer thing, because I have emmetophobia."

Then do more handwashing with soap and water. Norovirus isn't affected by hand sanitiser unfortunately.

MeMySonAndI · 20/02/2014 07:54

Is this a reverse? Op has not been back yet, unless I missed her in so many posts.

I worked in a hospital and as someone mentioned above, hand sanitisers become second nature. Peso hunting is off BUT very common place, lots of people really focus in stranger danger to the point you don't know is ok to say hello to the kids as you don't know how the mother will react.

The bus... Well, I live in a relatively small town and walk everywhere, so does DS, he has never been in a bus. I would worry a bit about letting him use one on his own as you do when they are new to certain things. Interestingly, most mothers I know wouldn't even let their children walk to school on their own or see it fit to send them in a bus. I don't think they are extremely overprotective but I know some see the independence-oriented upbringing I'm giving to my son as a very risks thing!

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:55

True Sirzy- but you do need to make situations. You can do a lot in the home too- it is amazing how many 10 yr olds have never chopped vegetables with a sharp knife or boiled a kettle, or been left at home alone for 10 mins!!

Sirzy · 20/02/2014 07:57

I agree tamer - although of course there is nothing to suggest that is the case here - there are plenty of things parents can do to help their child develop independence which doesn't involve (and are probably more undefined£ travelling on a bus.

Bowlersarm · 20/02/2014 07:58

She sounds fine to me.

Sanitiser is a bit OTT.

Agree with those saying, leave well alone. It's not your business.

Can't quite understand why people think a 13 year old should be going on a bus alone. Very odd. It's not a life experience. If she needs to ever use a bus, I'm sure she'll be more than capable of actually stepping on to one when she needs to.

beluga425 · 20/02/2014 07:58

Well done OP!
Six pages of hot debate and they've not been back to discuss their 'friend' once.

TamerB · 20/02/2014 07:58

Mine had no call to go on a bus as small children so we caught a double decker and went upstairs. We were not heading anywhere in particular- it was for the experience. As teenagers the local train to the city was better than the bus.