to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

[rabbitdisposal]

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go . Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

Thank you! You try and talk some common sense and you are 'shouting down'. If you don't like the message - shoot the messenger!

Whether you agree with her parenting methods or not, this mother is certain not ruining her DC's childhood. That's the part I take umbrage with.

Sorry -iPad has ideas of its own- shouting down not shouted down.

She is not ruining- I still think it a reverse anyway.

Either they will grow up and think 'it didn't do me any harm' or just think her a bit neurotic in retrospect.

I'm wondering what this mother does when the 13 yo goes on school trips. Do you think she tries to come along as a parent helper? Follows the coach in her car? Maybe she just doesn't let her daughter go on any.

Another one here quite taken aback by the YABUs.

I think the OP needs to come back and clarify a few things, especially about the bus. Lots of people have posted here that in some rural areas there arent any buses, but the fact that the OP says specifically that her friend won't let the teenager on a bus suggests that there are buses where they live.

I am at the number of people who genuinely seem to think that it's ok to overprotect to this extent.

No, I dont think the woman is "ruining" her dcs lives, but I don't think she's displaying great parenting either. I think she sounds very anxious possibly to the point of paranoia, but I'm not sure what the OP can do apart from my earlier post re suggesting OPs dc to go on bus with her friends teen to demonstrate that it's all ok.

God...I clicked on this thread thinking it would be something terrible! But she only wants her kids to go over to peoples houses that she knows and won't let them watch certain DVDs and won't let her dd go on a bus! The hand gel sounds a little ocd and worrying. Maybe the mother suffers from some anxiety issues but a lot of what you are saying sounds normal. I didn't get on a bus alone at 13. I also never played out on my own, nor would I let my children if the youngest was only 8.

YABVU to say she is ruining their childhood. Perhaps she is a little over anxious but that doesn't make her a bad mum.

Completely agree with tamerB but I think over protective parenting is becoming increasingly common and now appears normal. It's hard to allow your dcs to be independent but you can't let your fear stop your dcs from experiencing life. We have lost the ability to rationally risk assess.

The fear of pedophiles is understandable but fairly irrational - all the people I know who have suffered sexual abuse did so through their brothers, fathers and family friends - not a stranger in sight.

If the parent can't risk access the child has no hope of learning.
I find MN a bit different from RL where many parents of teens are over liberal in things like film ratings, Internet access, alcohol etc.
on MN I appear over liberal, in RL I appear over controlling!

Hear hear snowdon. I do feel v sorry for children who don't get to experience freedoms and the chance to be independent. However it seems as though lots of MNers disagree as theres a 50/50 split here ( which is very odd as I don't know anyone in RL who wouldn't let a 10 year old play outside or a 13 year old go on a bus, or who would vet all playdates ).

Where has the OP gone?

She sounds a bit intesnse, but not exceptional as a parent. I've encountereed many more restrictve and many less so.
Is she ruining her children's lives? Not from what you have posted here, and FF a decade they will probably all turn out fine.
Let her be, increase her anxiety and her need to protect her children is likely to increase, as she will probably only relax as time goes by and nothing bad happens, a bit at a time.
She sounds very like one of my siblings.

But this intrigued me,the poster who said they wouldn't let their 13 year old on the bus by themselves, except in an emergency

That's the wrong way to look at it.
In an emergency, you don't throw people a range of challenges to deal with under stress. They should have a selection of skills and strategies you've taught them that they turn to automatically, and the more serious the problem, the more automatic the response needs to be, so that they can focus on the problem, the emergency.
That way they can deal with stuff because they have an embedded skill set.

I really don't get the whole play outside thing. I never played out...I lived on a normal street in London..I don't get where I would have played or with whom..?

My kids are younger but I wouldn't let a ten year old play outside alone.

I'd rather be called over protective than let DS run wild having no idea who he is with or what he is doing.

There were two or three girls at school that had very lax parents and they all ended up pregnant before the gcse's were taken.

I cant abide swearing so yes tend to stick to ratings on films for DS. Dont care what others but i dont need to follow the herd.

at the idea that allowing your child on a bus at the age of 13 = pregnant before GCSE's. Only on mumsnet.

My 15yo has never caught a bus. She weekly boards so does not need to catch one to svjool. We live in thw middle of nowhere and last time I looked at getting a bus somewhere a chkls return to town was just under £8 and every 2 hours. Its a lot cheaper to just drive and drop off.
Also the one time I tried to get the bus it didn't turn up.
All well and good kids getting buses if you live somewhere with a good reliable bus service that's affordable but not when its irregular and unreliable as well as expensive.
I always speak to any parent of any child coming to our house and vice versa. Its good manners as much as anything else.
Hand sanitiser may be a bit ott.

Basically to me she sound like a good mum doing her best.

You don't have to home in on buses, Sirzy. They can do Duke if Edinburgh awards etc- lots of places you can do life skills in a safe environment.

You are the one who seems obssessed with buses! As I said we have simply a tiny snippet of this life so have no idea what else is being done.

But buses are not essential in becoming independant. Bus service round here is shit so I managed to get to 16 and never really use a bus, at that point I got the bus to college which was a stright on and off thing. I very rarely need to use a bus now but you know what even without people making up excuses to push me onto a bus I know how to do it.

Helicopter parenting at it's finest! You can see where this leads to - parents attending university open days and interviews with their dcs, apparently not that uncommon anymore. Will parents stay for fresher's week too? How on earth do parents and dcs cope with the massive transition or will dcs live at home while at university. Mind you thee were plenty who didn't cope and went home to mummy. No need to leave home till your at least 30 is there?

happy, no one is talking about letting children "run wild" but about giving them a measure of freedom and independence. Are you seriously suggesting that letting a 13 year old travel on a bus means that they are likely to be pregnant by 16??

Giving children the ability to take decisions and risk assess within appropriate boundaries means they are less likely to take unsafe decisions later on. This doesnt mean complete freedom without limits but allowing children to develop appropriate self reliance. This will partly depend on the child. One of my dc was catching the bus into town with friends aged 10, because he was ready to do so, the other was a bit older, because he wasn't ready at 10.

So a conversation like:

13-year-old: OK if I go round to X's house after school on Friday, Mum?

Me: Yep, that's fine. Will you be able to get back on your own or shall I sort out getting you?

wouldn't happen in your house? Because first of all you'd have to meet X's parents and then sort out ferrying teenager there/back?

Snowdon, what exactly is wrong with attending university open days and interviews? Universities put on parents events for the simple reason that lots of parents do attend.

You should have been in Cambridge in interview week before Christmas - you could count on the fingers of one hand the number of kids who DIDN'T have a parent with them.

There are those parents who think that their DC can be at their best when they are supported in an unfamiliar environment. And don't have to take three trains to get themselves there with all the stress that adds.

Agree dcs need to be gently introduced to independence, as a parent you help them take each step and assess their ability to cope - that requirement judgement and trust - these are essential skills to develop as a parent. Waiting until you are ready rather than when your dcs are ready is a big mistake, it's not about you and your irrational fears - it's about your dcs growing up safely and without massive hang up and germs and pedophiles, to teach them to trust their own judgement but that's hard isn't it so best just keep them at home where they are safe and don't take any risks. My mil says to my dcs - don't run you might fall, and I mutter under my breath - don't run, you might live a bit, you might enjoy yourself and yeah and you might fall but most of the time you'll get up and learn that wasn't so bad. Fear of falling is worse than falling itself!

Maybe not how everyone does things but not a cause for concern by any stretch.

stealth boasting much,beckandcall??

Nothing at all Beck you getting a twin room too?