to think my friend is ruining her DC's childhood

[rabbitdisposal]

I realize it's really none of my business, but I'm feeling judgey today. Basically, my friend's been doing a lot of things to her children that make me go . Her kids are 8, 10 and 13.

She won't allow DVD's rated higher than a 12 in the house, won't allow her kids to visit friends unless she personally knows the parents, makes her kids use hand sanitizer pretty much all the time (I mentioned that a few germs are good, immune system and all that and she looked at me like I was mad), never EVER lets her two youngest play out on their own, is constantly on the pedohunt, and every time their is a slight sniffle or cough she's convinced it's hypothermia and they need to be admitted to hospital.

The reason why I'm concerned is because the kids are barely able to do anything without mummy. Her eldest is still dropped off and picked up when she wants to go out with friends - thus, she's never been on a bus. Just looking for similar experiences and how I can make her calm down a bit.

Those who didn't play out as a child won't actually know what they were missing! I am 62yrs and we all played out, we came home for meals.
You can know who your children's friends are at primary- you can't at secondary. If your child has been taught to risk assess they are able to judge situations. Mine all had lovely friends. Before they were 5 they were friends with children of my friends. After 5 I made friends with parents of their friends after they had been to their house. Teenage years I knew very few of the friend's parents. I am not up for vetting. If my DC wants a friend around they invite them- I am not up for vetting by the parent!
I have never had that situation arise.
University Open Days are a complete red herring, they have changed beyond all recognition. The student is asked how many 'guests' they are bringing, you get hot drink vouchers and tours for parents. They would feel an oddity on their own- but I expect some are quite happy with that.

I know the cotton wool parent types in RL.

I haven't a clue who OP is- I suspect a reverse AIBU anyway.

But you said you know them in RL? Do you mean you know the 'friend'?

Oh, sorry I just realised you mean you know the 'type' of parent.

Lots of posters are asking if this is a reverse, or where is the OP. I posted a few pages back that this is the only post on mn under this user name.

I think the OP has just wound you all up and then sat back to watch you go. I hinted earlier, but now I'm saying it outright that, based on the lack of interest in their own, one and only thread, I think OP is messing about.

My BIL is 43yo and has never been on a bus. He either walks, runs, drives or takes the train.

NotEnoughTime I can understand how your experience with your Father has shaped your parenting. I can understand how that would happen and it must be very difficult to struggle with that.

From your list 1 (though not really men but older boys),3 and 4 happened to me at school on fairly regular basis. I have never considered not sending my children to school because of those things.

I don't know if I am just optimistic but I feel the risk of bad things happening don't outweigh the benefits to my children.
The same way I feel the risk of being in a car crash doesn't outweigh the risk of going somewhere fun for the day.

The playing outside thing is hard to compare to how we were brought up due to cars, not paedophiles.

I grew up in the 70s in a street that children played out in (and I mean in the street as in the road) playing football, roller-skating, cycling, trying to throw / kick things over telegraph wires etc) and as it was a straight road on a hill we had clear views of traffic.

Only about half the street had a car, hardly any were parked in the road. I now live (3 miles away in the same corner of London) on a road full of parked cars and in the widest bit where some idiots hit well over 40mph as they rush to get through the narrow bit before the car coming down the road and even the teenagers get fed up playing football in the road after 5 mins due to cars. This is a 'quiet' street but children don't play out.

NotEnough, I can understand how your horrendous childhood experience would add to high anxiety levels.

At the same time, what I would think there would be, the real danger to you didn't actually come from outside but from your home. I would have thought that the child who would be safest would be the one who was quite independent and able to enlist the help of people outside the family. Your other problem wasn't that you had to move outside but that nobody had taught you how to handle bad situations outside the family.

I know several children who were abused by family members precisely because they had been taught that you can't trust anyone outside your family. Their mother was oblivious and they couldn't make it stop because they hadn't been given the tools.

This is something I have always tried to help dc to understand: how you should react in dodgy situations and how you can get help from people outside the family. Not because I think there is a risk from their immediate family, but because I know that sooner or later they will be exposed to dangerous situations and I won't be there to help them.

YABU.

The DVDs, checking out parents are good parenting. I'm with you on the hand sanitizer.

On the whole, butt out.

If the 13 yo is invited to a friend's but mum can't give a lift, what happens? Assuming there's a bus and the route is safe, are people honestly saying that it's preferable to force a teenager to stay with their mum?

It might not ruin a childhood to restrict freedoms this way, but it certainly spoils it.

I can only think that you have younger children if you have to check out parents-it simply isn't possible at secondary and you will isolate your child -the school has a wide catchment area and no one is at the school gate-if they are they are in a car some distance away and don't get out of it. (If you have seen a secondary school at home time you will know why).

They don't stick to just the primary school friends-they make new.

I'm with her on the DVD situation. My DDs are nearly 13 and I don't like them watching 15 cert yet, although i realise they do at friends houses. They've been to many houses where I haven't known the parents but i do draw the line at sleepovers with people i don't know.

As for buses and independence, surely it's our job to encourage that. I left my 12 year old DD in bed this morning and went to work, she was on her own for about 3 hours. Had to get up and make her breakfast, get herself organised, put the alarm on, lock up the house and get the bus to her friends to go swimming. Not difficult at nearly 13 surely, and she is a child that struggles with organisation and time keeping. Usually her sister (same age) would be there and take over, so I'm pleased that she wasn't and DT2 was forced to step up a bit.

Yeah there's a major difference in Open Days at universities for one reason...fees. University education is a major financial investment and one that parents have a vested interest in!

I work in a university and answer phone enquiries about some particular courses. When I first started I was surprised to find the majority of calls were from parents. Can't remember getting my mum involved at that stage of my education!

I can fully understand why university open days have changed. My eldest was before any tuition fees and it was the norm to go alone. My youngest paid £3000 tuition fees and nearly everyone had parents in tow. Now that they are £9000 parents would be mad not to go.
When I went to them the talks for parents on finances were well worth attending for and you need to check that it is going to be money well spent.
They are completely different now.

actually, i think she sounds like a good old fashioned mother :)

That is not the way 'old fashioned mothers' behaved. It is very modern and has steadily got worse in the last 30 years.

Don't most kids have to get a bus to school from about 11?

I was certainly allowed to get a bus into town to go shopping with my friend from 13. From 14 we were allowed to get a train into a town slightly further away. I don't see why it would be any different for my daughters.

The OP's example doesn't sound like a old fashioned parent but a very common form of modern helicopter parent to me. Each to their own, but it's not how I go about parenting.

I'm inclined to agree with you. Being careful, safe, having high standards and principles is one thing, but you have to know where to draw the line otherwise your children end up alienated from their peers, social oddities, and they may resent you and go off the rails at the first opportunity. Sensible moderation is the key - not total control freakery.

OP has got away with it so far because they are young-it will be more damaging as she tried to treat a 14yr old, 16yr old etc like a 10 yr old. She is just on the cusp of difficulties sustaining her way- as shopping with friends, parties, trips to the cinema etc kick in.